He gave up the porn...why can't I get over it?

[Inspector71]

The man may be intelligent and perhaps brilliant in his field. Many may admire him for this. But it isn't a reason to marry him. She could have admired him..attended his seminars, read his books or papers, assisted him with his research (or whatever), heck...wrote a book about him...BUT it doesn't mean he was MR RIGHT in terms of marriage. They may be totally incompatible. There union doesn't sound as if it's been a good one from the get go.

 

Not trying to convince Reggie of anything..but I hope the OP continues to read even if she doesn't want to post. And I hope far more posters will offer her their advice on the state of her marriage and where she should go from her.

 

I agree, she needs to remove those rose-colored glasses. He may be brilliant in his field, but I don't think the same can be said about her marriage to him.

 

In one of her posts she puts the problems in the marriage on herself...as if she is doing everything wrong..and she doesn't know how to make it right. Poor girl. She doesn't realize SHE is NOT the root of the problem.

 

 

 

 

Bravo. Finally something from you I can work with. Yes, I do blame myself for a lot of the problems. I'm in therapy to work on my self-esteem. I'm trying to grasp that all of this wasn't my fault...the porn isn't my fault, the emotional abuse wasn't completely my fault. I did fall in love with a mentor-figure, if you will- he has the career I want. He's a great partner. It hasn't been great from the get-go, no. I made a lot of mistakes at the beginning (age related, no less- I was 23); he made a lot, too, trying to adjust to having someone around (been living alone for over 10 years; single for 5). But I married him for more than a mentor...we both wanted a family, both were very attracted to each other, loved all the same things- even had the same favorite TV shows. JUST being a rock star in his field is not a reason to marry him, correct. But wanting the same things out of life, wanting the same balance between family and career, loving the same things, having insane attraction...those ARE reasons to marry someone.

 

But, I am fully aware of the problems. I have set myself up, like I said previously, to have a life without him. I won't fall flat out of this marriage. But I guess that, after a year of separation, I thought it was a sign that I still love him as much as I did the day I married him...still is head over heels for him, still have butterflies to see him...well, that if I still felt all those things, my marriage deserved a chance. I turned here for perspective, but don't think I don't see.

[Inspector71]

I hate big weddings.

 

Oh, also- yes, everyone knows we're married. We don't hide away. I've been asked that before. Why would I marry him to hide? We're a "public" couple, or whatever...it's weird to address that, I don't know the terms. We're normal? lol (In that sense!) I really did elope because I have this CRAZY idea that a wedding is about two people getting married, and not the event.

[Reggie]

Clearly you guys can make this work if there is good communication. The posts from some were just so full of projection, assuming that what was attractive to them was for everyone. It really is unimportant if Taylor is not attracted to older guys. Why she felt it neccessary to disclose her own preferences is beyond me.

At 59, 400,000 in a 401k is not bad at all. With SS and the 401k, he will live better thant the majority of folks(not that this is a big deal).

And where soserious came up with the ideas that your h was cruelly turning you down, holding his nose etc is a mystery.

Sounds liie you have given the age difference plenty of thought, and the benefits of a relationship with your H outweigh the issues you may encounter.

And, you are exactly right. Many marriages between contemporaries have problems. If folks are committed, these can be overcome.

Good luck in your marriage. I hope things work out.

[AnthonyF]

Inspector71.... I never said a single vile thing outside telling you the age difference is too much and that is the reason for every single issue on all the various posts you have made and started. I have read your posts and you are right I will move on. There is no helping you. I wish you luck.

[taylor]

We'd been separated for about two months when he started watching porn regularly. We've seen each other fairly regularly throughout the separation. I expected him to masturbate; I just didn't want him to do it to hardcore porn. Everything about it bother me- the frequency considering how often he turned me down for sex (even during my visits during the separation) all the way to the titles- this was a man who refused to talk about having children with me and was renting mostly titles with "MILF" in it. Him not talking to me about being a mother, and then renting all that...wow, you have no idea how bad that one hurt.[/QUOTE]

 

This is where I got the "crazy" notion that somehow your husband didn't want children with you.

 

Silly me to draw such an illogical conclusion.

[taylor]

We were co-workers and fell in love.

 

Just because you fall in love and you get butterflies..just because you have an "inane" sexual attraction...just because you have similar career objectives...doesn't mean he is the BEST choice as a marital partner. On your checklist you should also include:

 

Does he like porn?

Is he emotionally abusive?

Can we have children together?

Can he meet my sexual and emotional needs?

Am I willing to deal with his inevitable health problems sooner than later?

 

I told myself when I got married that I'd rather have 20 years of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.

 

So how is the "wonderful" working out for you? I don't mean to be flip. Not at all. You really do need to assess this relationship and determine if there is a chance to find happiness in it in the midst of a number of serious marital conflicts. Is it worth it?

 

You thought you were getting "wonderful." But from what you post here, your marriage has fallen short of that. In fact, I wouldn't even say it was "mediocre." Sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

They prefer that I'm with someone who is not out drinking every night, going to clubs, etc.

 

If I were your mother I would prefer you go out and have a little fun with friends your age as opposed to subjecting yourself to the emotional abuse of a man who would rather look at porn than have sex with you.

 

He wants a child, I want a child...don't know where people think we differ on that- my only concern is his ability to have a child. You can call these all age-related differences,

 

Again, this should have been on your checklist. Most 20-something year olds want children and will seek partners who can produce offspring.

 

if I was with someone who was my age, there would most likely be a whole new set of age-related differences- commitment, infidelity, etc.

 

People in your age group don't monopolize the market when it comes to infidelity and commitment issues. This forum proves that. There are plenty of men and women committing infidelity in all age groups. Your husband is not "immune" to it because of his age.

 

I met my husband and he offered me all of it- a great life and great career.

 

Again, how is that "great life" he offered you working? Please assess.

 

What I mean when I say to ignore the age difference is this- if I had posted on here that my 25 year old husband, or 35 year old husband, was looking at porn, what would you all say?

 

If that's all we knew about your relationship, I would say the following:

 

Men enjoy porn and most will continue to use it for entertainment despite the objections of their wives and gf's. Why? Because they have the right to read or look at whatever they want to.

 

If you don't like a man looking at porn, don't be with that kind of man. Find one that will respect you, respect women, and who is more interested in pleasing you than pleasing himself.

[Reggie]

All the above can be worked on and, as she points out, is not exclusive to a May/December marriage. There is no formula and there is something to be said for following your feelings and trusting your instincts. Someone could look very good on paper, but one's feelings may not lead to romance.

Her marriage is a work in progress, not neccesarily doomed by any of the issues raised. The key seems to be his willingness to work on it , as well as hers. This has already been displayed by his work on the abuse and the porn.

[Inspector71]

We'd been separated for about two months when he started watching porn regularly. We've seen each other fairly regularly throughout the separation. I expected him to masturbate; I just didn't want him to do it to hardcore porn. Everything about it bother me- the frequency considering how often he turned me down for sex (even during my visits during the separation) all the way to the titles- this was a man who refused to talk about having children with me and was renting mostly titles with "MILF" in it. Him not talking to me about being a mother, and then renting all that...wow, you have no idea how bad that one hurt.[/QUOTE]

 

This is where I got the "crazy" notion that somehow your husband didn't want children with you.

 

Silly me to draw such an illogical conclusion.

 

You drew the wrong conclusion. He didn't want to talk about having children (i.e., discuss what we'll do with our kids, how we'll raise them, etc.). There was never an issue of IF we would have them.

[taylor]

LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL. OF COURSE. You just made my point, and you've been against me from the beginning!

 

Nope. Not against you at all. In fact, I am FOR you. I just happen to believe you can do better for yourself. You can find someone who can make you happier...someone you are more compatible with..someone who will treat you better...someone who will care for you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

It scared me to read in another one of your threads that "if the emotional abuse got more severe, ie, if he threatened to kill you..." and then some talk about the "mafia."

 

That right there would be enough for me to walk...no...RUN. I wouldn't need to know another thing about your relationship with him to formulate that piece of advice.

 

The young men are in the "dating" and "sex" forum, NOT the marriage forum. I'm sorry...I choose to play with men instead of boys.

 

The thing is, you really aren't in the marriage forum, either. You are in the INFIDELITY forum...far more sinister than the dating or sex forum. I think it's perfectly healthy and normal for single men to be in the dating and sex forum. If you are in the infidelity forum, you've got problems. You've also been in the divorce and separation forum. Again, not a healthy sign.

 

Nothing wrong with playing with boys..or men...as long as they are treating you right.

 

Sorry if that bothers you. My 59 year old husband is an unselfish lover...just because the frequency isn't there doesn't mean it isn't the most mind-blowing sex I've ever had!

 

Nope, doesn't bother me one bit if you would rather be with a "man" than a "boy" as long as he is treating you right. There are no guarantees that a man will treat you any better than a boy. It's the character of the person, not necessarily the age, that makes a difference in how a person treats another.

 

But what is the common joke in "normal" marriages? Don't the guys want it way more than their wife?

 

Not necessarily. There are a number of female posters here upset because there husbands or bf's no longer find them attractive, don't want sex with them, or don't want it as frequently.

 

can someone just help me out on getting over the porn thing and moving on with my life?

 

The best way to get over the porn issue is to reject a man who values it and find one who will value you more. You move on with your life and he moves on with...well, his porn.

 

REGGIE- BTW- You are freakin' awesome. Thank you SOOO much for your comments. You understand that the porn and age are different issues.

 

Everyone understands that porn and age are different issues. But what you don't understand is that the AGE issue trumps all the other issues. You may solve your porn issue, your financial issue, your emotional abuse issue, your sex drive issue, your procreation issue, but you will always have issues because of the age difference.

 

at least your comments are constructive.

 

All the comments here are constructive because they offer you perspectives you may not have considered. They offer you advice from a myriad of life experiences. But you choose to listen only to the ones that bring you comfort. Sometimes it's the uncomfortable advice that is the most valuable.

[Inspector71]

Inspector71.... I never said a single vile thing outside telling you the age difference is too much and that is the reason for every single issue on all the various posts you have made and started. I have read your posts and you are right I will move on. There is no helping you. I wish you luck.

 

If it was as simple and benign as you are making it seem, then where are all those posts? They got DELETED because of the WAY you choose to make your point- in such a vile manner you yourself stated you were put on "notice" by the site administrators.

[taylor]

 

You drew the wrong conclusion. He didn't want to talk about having children (i.e., discuss what we'll do with our kids, how we'll raise them, etc.). There was never an issue of IF we would have them.

 

Well, to me, HAVING children means BRINGING THEM INTO THE WORLD.

[taylor]

One comment I left out in my longer post above:

 

You say your husband is an "unselfish lover."

 

If he chooses porn over meeting your sexual needs, he is SELFISH.

[Inspector71]

Nope. Not against you at all. In fact, I am FOR you. I just happen to believe you can do better for yourself. You can find someone who can make you happier...someone you are more compatible with..someone who will treat you better...someone who will care for you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

It scared me to read in another one of your threads that "if the emotional abuse got more severe, ie, if he threatened to kill you..." and then some talk about the "mafia."

 

That right there would be enough for me to walk...no...RUN. I wouldn't need to know another thing about your relationship with him to formulate that piece of advice.

 

 

 

The thing is, you really aren't in the marriage forum, either. You are in the INFIDELITY forum...far more sinister than the dating or sex forum. I think it's perfectly healthy and normal for single men to be in the dating and sex forum. If you are in the infidelity forum, you've got problems. You've also been in the divorce and separation forum. Again, not a healthy sign.

 

Nothing wrong with playing with boys..or men...as long as they are treating you right.

 

 

 

Nope, doesn't bother me one bit if you would rather be with a "man" than a "boy" as long as he is treating you right. There are no guarantees that a man will treat you any better than a boy. It's the character of the person, not necessarily the age, that makes a difference in how a person treats another.

 

 

 

Not necessarily. There are a number of female posters here upset because there husbands or bf's no longer find them attractive, don't want sex with them, or don't want it as frequently.

 

 

 

The best way to get over the porn issue is to reject a man who values it and find one who will value you more. You move on with your life and he moves on with...well, his porn.

 

 

 

Everyone understands that porn and age are different issues. But what you don't understand is that the AGE issue trumps all the other issues. You may solve your porn issue, your financial issue, your emotional abuse issue, your sex drive issue, your procreation issue, but you will always have issues because of the age difference.

 

 

 

All the comments here are constructive because they offer you perspectives you may not have considered. They offer you advice from a myriad of life experiences. But you choose to listen only to the ones that bring you comfort. Sometimes it's the uncomfortable advice that is the most valuable.

 

Not all the comments on here are constructive...some aren't even addressed to me, by people who care more about ridiculing the age difference AT me or to other posters and saying vile and at times sexually innappropriate things (which got deleted) than being constructive about porn in a relationship.

 

I'm really surprised that your answer would be to end a marriage over porn...you say to find someone who puts porn above me. If he's not watching it anymore, and didn't when we were together (only during a separation)- really, the best advice is to get a divorce? I mean, if you only take that piece of information in and of itself without looking at the rest of my marriage (which is seems, if I get the correct impression, you do- that the porn would be enough to end it).

 

No wonder the divorce rate is so high. I just wanted some coping techniques.

[Inspector71]

One comment I left out in my longer post above:

 

You say your husband is an "unselfish lover."

 

If he chooses porn over meeting your sexual needs, he is SELFISH.

 

 

I wasn't in the same state! He watched it during a SEPARATION. People are so quick on here to make statements, they don't even read the OP or follow-up posts by the original poster. I wanted to know how to cope/get over it. I was upset at the discrepancy between him being able to masturbate everyday for a week when at times we were together, he couldn't have sex with me everyday for a week straight. That was hurtful. I also felt like it was a form of infidelity, and wanted to know how people deal with it. He did PICK porn over me.

[Inspector71]

 

Well, to me, HAVING children means BRINGING THEM INTO THE WORLD.

 

Ok, then, there was never an issue of us HAVING children, if you want it in your terms. We just didn't daydream about it like women like to do. We never had a discrepancy of if we would BRING THEM INTO THE WORLD.

[Inspector71]

I wasn't in the same state! He watched it during a SEPARATION. People are so quick on here to make statements, they don't even read the OP or follow-up posts by the original poster. I wanted to know how to cope/get over it. I was upset at the discrepancy between him being able to masturbate everyday for a week when at times we were together, he couldn't have sex with me everyday for a week straight. That was hurtful. I also felt like it was a form of infidelity, and wanted to know how people deal with it. He did PICK porn over me.

 

Sorry, I meant to say he DIDN'T pick porn OVER me- again, wasn't in the same state. During a separation.

[Reggie]

I really do not think Taylor or any of us are in a position to advice you to divorce. Many couples have overcome emotional abuse, sex drive differences, porn addiction(not saying he has this).

There is something about the age difference that sticks in Taylor's craw. It is like she cannot accept the fact that some women find older men attractive and feel they make good husbands. I think it is very revealing that she consistently pointed to her own personal attraction preferences and made assumptions about the preferences of others. Attraction is not an issue for you, so I do not know why she felt the preferences of others is relevant.

Life is full of tradeoffs. Some folks marry smokers or folks that are overweight despite the likeliehood that the marriage may be shortened due to the health of the partner. If you are comfortable with a potentially shorter marriage , but one that fulfills you, that is just fine.

And, as you mention, your H has addressed the issues and you guys are working on them.

[soserious1]

One comment I left out in my longer post above:

 

You say your husband is an "unselfish lover."

 

If he chooses porn over meeting your sexual needs, he is SELFISH.

 

If there is a big mismatch in desire levels at the beginning of a marriage, that isn't going to get better over time. A partner that can't/won't satisfy their partner's sexual needs but who has plenty of interest in porn and solo self-pleasure is imho, sending a strong message.

[Reggie]

Bravo..... Well said. She is so over the place, it is hard to figure everything out. For instance she has claimed in one place they have been married 4 years, other places 2. She is 25, yet yet claims at 23 she had already been alone for 10 (making her 13) and single for 5 (since 18).....

 

They have been separated multiple times. When I brought up her post of March 6 in another section, she claims that was 2 reconciliations ago!!!!!

 

I will reiterate and apologies to Inspector71, that there is no such a thing as a 59 yo who is "in place" with 20 yo as she claims.

 

Add to that he is a 59 virile, stud??? Sorry if I find that unbelievable.

 

The good news is he never had kids and there is only a divorce that is 30+ years ago.

 

And finally to Reggie, you are telling me a $400,000 401K for the most respected Professor in the country (in his field) that has been amassed by a 59 yo is good???? Remember he has no immediate family (maybe parents) and has been a single male. Maybe if he has multiple millions in Real Estate, which again if so shows that Inspector71 has again left out a huge chunk of the story and better not sign the post nup.

 

I can't keep up with her stories.

 

On the 401k thing, I assume it has taken a hit, recently and was probably worth more a year ago. If he has no plans to cash in for a while and plans to continue to contribute he will be in a position to bring in 80-90 a year if he includes SS. I know it is not rich, but, it is still way more than the average 4 person household in this country. So, yeah, to some folks, that is decent. Just depends on what you want , materially, in your retirement. I know i could live on it , no problem.

It's sort of like the age attraction thing. It's personal preference.

[taylor]

Maybe I am trying to gain some control, but the control I am trying to gain is over feeling secure in my marriage. The reason for the separation was being he was emotional abusive. I've lived through him threatening my life, my family, insulting my looks, my intelligence, the way I speak, the way I dress, what I enjoy, my hobbies, etc. I've forgiven him for everything, and then he takes away my security and peace about our sex life-

 

THIS is why I think you should divorce...not just the porn. Porn is minor in light of all the other issues in your marriage.

 

Bottom line is this man does not respect you and with no respect there is no love.

[taylor]

I really do not think Taylor or any of us are in a position to advice you to divorce. Many couples have overcome emotional abuse, sex drive differences, porn addiction(not saying he has this).

There is something about the age difference that sticks in Taylor's craw. It is like she cannot accept the fact that some women find older men attractive and feel they make good husbands. I think it is very revealing that she consistently pointed to her own personal attraction preferences and made assumptions about the preferences of others. Attraction is not an issue for you, so I do not know why she felt the preferences of others is relevant.

Life is full of tradeoffs. Some folks marry smokers or folks that are overweight despite the likeliehood that the marriage may be shortened due to the health of the partner. If you are comfortable with a potentially shorter marriage , but one that fulfills you, that is just fine.

And, as you mention, your H has addressed the issues and you guys are working on them.

 

Reggie,

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinions. The OP can do with them what she wants. It really doesn't matter what she does or doesn't do. None of it will affect any of us. Only her.

 

It's my opinion she should divorce because this man demonstrates utter lack of respect for her AS A PERSON and AS A WOMAN.

 

I repeat, where there is no respect, there is no love. She deserves better.

 

Hey, if this OP finds this man attractive, so be it.

 

I don't. Not so much because of the age difference, but because of his behavior. Would you want your daughter married to a man that would treat her the way this man treats the OP?

 

And if she felt so fulfilled, she wouldn't be posting.

 

Yes, life is full of trade offs. OK, she has traded respect for...what?

[AnthonyF]

THIS is why I think you should divorce...not just the porn. Porn is minor in light of all the other issues in your marriage.

 

Bottom line is this man does not respect you and with no respect there is no love.

 

 

She doesn't want to hear this.... It is more and more obvious. I find this a fascinating thread, that only 3 of us are participating in. You, Reggie (who I still don't get) and myself (censored). Inspector71 then returns applauds Reggie for being so smart and on the ball and condemns our advise, comments and observations.

 

Truly fascinating......

[taylor]

Not all the comments on here are constructive...some aren't even addressed to me, by people who care more about ridiculing the age difference AT me or to other posters and saying vile and at times sexually innappropriate things (which got deleted) than being constructive about porn in a relationship.

 

I was not aware of injurious posts. Must have been deleted before I got a chance to read them. Sorry this happened to you here.

 

I'm really surprised that your answer would be to end a marriage over porn...you say to find someone who puts porn above me. If he's not watching it anymore, and didn't when we were together (only during a separation)- really, the best advice is to get a divorce? I mean, if you only take that piece of information in and of itself without looking at the rest of my marriage (which is seems, if I get the correct impression, you do- that the porn would be enough to end it).

 

To some, porn would be a deal breaker. Check out Jersey Shortie's posts on porn.

 

No, my advice to divorce is based on looking at your entire marriage as you present it here.

 

Your husband demonstrates a gross lack of respect towards you..by his porn use, his emotional abuse, his insults, etc. It's sad. You deserve so much more.

[taylor]

She doesn't want to hear this.... It is more and more obvious. I find this a fascinating thread, that only 3 of us are participating in. You, Reggie (who I still don't get) and myself (censored). Inspector71 then returns applauds Reggie for being so smart and on the ball and condemns our advise, comments and observations.

 

Truly fascinating......

 

Yes, Anthony, I would still like to hear from some 25 year old males. I want to hear from them why or why they would not marry a 60 year old woman.

 

And I would love to hear from any 25 yo who is happily married to a 60 yo....

 

Or anyone who knows of a 25 yo married successfully to a 60 yo.

 

There is a reason why these unions are far and few between. Good reasons.

[Reggie]

Well, I truly don't get you, as well, Anthony. And , apparently, while few and far between, some of these marriages work.

As far as respect goes, I believe they can work on this.