Suden disruption.

[vixen]

I know what your going to say, but here me out, this might help some guys get insight in a womans head.

 

I was hunky dory with Jon, happy, no problems. yes he's a bit more extremely busy then usual, but even though he says he can't say if it will pass or not, that doesn't matter to me, what matters is weather or not i'm happy, and he's happy.

 

So last night for some odd reason he thought i was unhappy in the relationship. Well not odd, he thought it was because i keep asking him when he is getting time to see me. My fault intirely. I asked him these things for several reasons, outside the fact i'd like to see him. 1 I feel he is over worked and worry for his sanity. 2 he could use the extra day off to get his homework done, he does do it, but it would be less stressful for him i believe. 3 i want him to know i miss him, to feel loved and wanted. those are the reasons i said stuff, not becouse i was unhappy.

 

So he gets it in his head that I must be unhappy and he wants me to be happy and he's all upset about it. He thinks he's being selfish for keeping me. He said, You should get what you want, (but what i want is more time with HIM) i love you so i want you to be happy. I asked him if he wanted to break up, he said no, but i think you should think about it. I was like What?? I don't get it. I was so oober upset, i havn't cried in 2 months and now i was sobbing, so upset i didn't get to work becouse i was up till 5 am crying on my room mates shoulder. then i tried to find him the next day. He wanted me to sleep on it, hell i couldn't sleep. So finaly i call him when i know he's out of his lab and say we nead to meet. I know he has two tests comeing up on thursday and friday and studying is his priority, but i said we'll drive around and make it quick.

 

I told him he's nuts, i told him he's worring to much, i said i know your busy, i know you don't know if you'll ever become unbusy. He doesn't want me hanging on hopeful that "things will get better" or "he will eventualy have more time" i was like, dude, things arn't bad. I said, i have 4 girl friends, a job, family, and soon school too!, i don't sit around pineing over you. (he actualy thought i did) Not at all realy, i'm happy we have what we have, if it's not so much that's fine by me, becouse he calls me when he can, (usualy every night) he sees me when he can, and that's all i ask for, that's all i want. He had to be told over and over again, that if i was unhappy i promise i'd speek up. (after all i did last time, i will again) I asked him if he was unhappy, if he had reasons outside of worring about me for saying this. He said no, he's happy, theirs nothing wrong with me, or us, or our relationship, just the situation. After repeatedly telling him i was happy till he pulled this, and assureing him i will tell him if i'm unhappy, and i wouldn't put myself in a bad situation, he was finaly ok.

 

I dropped him off at home, and we said our i love you's and good byes. Sure i have no clue when next i'll see him, but he's everywhere in my life. In my clothes, my jewlery, my sleeping gear, the photo's in my room. The nightly calls, and the rare, but well worth it meetings.

 

My mom said to me, In your great grandmothers time, people used to court by seeing each other on the holidays, special ocasions, and through letters. Now there's phone's and e-mail, it's nothing but a revamped old fashion courting. She's right, that's how i see it. Let him be busy, it's good for him, and for me in the long run. When he's stable, when he's on his own with a good job, and has graduated, i will know the man i love is no looser. That is highly important to me. I wont date a bum, collage educations or no me. I have my standerds i'm realy picky. Jon treats me good, and i know he loves me. He was looking out for me ya know. He wanted what was best for me, he put aside his want and looked to my welfare. This has made me happy.

 

But... and here we were waiting for this yes? But, he doesn't know it, but he's on trial. Why? well, as rude as some may think it, i still have those standerds. So with a cute green note book, i will record our conversations. (loosly, the general feel) and i will not ask him when he has free time, when i will see him, (He must now give this info freely) i will watch how often he does call, and make certain i get the e-mails he sends when he can't call. Becouse i am looking out for me. How he treats me, (which has almost always been good) is vary important to me. Duh.

 

This log will only be kept till i get a final grip on the relationship. Meaning, if i find i am unhappy, i will go my own way, or if i find i am still happy, and it has been a certain good amount of time, i will stop recording things, and just be happy. I have a memory problem. If i get emotional i forget things fast. and i'm talking like you just said it, i just lost it fast. It's a delma when in an arguement or trying to come across clearly. For instance i forgot that he said he was happy with the relationship in the car, and had to re-ask him the question.

 

Anyway, i know i continue to solve my own problems and still post them in here, but sometimes feed back after the fact is more helpful then befor.

 

thanks, Vixen

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Thanks for the input.I've always thought women were complicated but only see its true.

I'm glad for you.Its good to see positive thinking in play.

[Curt]

I'm becoming more convinced of this every day...

 

Many women (young ladies in particular) will willingly and almost without question, accept very unequal, even destructive relationships as golden idols in their lives.

 

Once their minds are set on the "dream" guy, many will do whatever is necessary to stay emotionally and spiritually asleep (or at least very woozy) to hold on to that fantasy.

 

Whether he is a destructive, demeaning, arrogant, and/or hurtful person in their lives is really irrelevant and secondary, as long as the larger "dream" scheme survives.

 

Give 'em utter hell, and they'll still lap it up like kittens drink milk.

 

Summed up (from a female's perspective):

[font=times new roman][color=red]All I want is a reasonable imitation of devoted love in my partner. I know he is a loving partner, even though he is so busy that, he probably always will rarely get time to talk to me or see me that much. He says he thinks I should reconsider our relationship and, yes, he is emotionally unavailable to me as a rule, but I don't need much. I'll do with less, and that's ok. He's doing me a favor being this way, really. It'll make me a strong person. He's a fantastic guy, and I owe him my heart.[/color][/font]

 

Yup...makes perfectly logical sense to me.

 

Curt

[moimeme]

We're brought up to believe that 'hanging in there', loyalty, whatever is the way to demonstrate devotion. Tony's and others' posts about marriage talk about being committed, sticking it out, etc. Those of us who try to be that kind of woman get slanged for being 'codependent', etc. If we want lots of contact, we're clingy. If we let a guy have his space, we're not assertive enough. Oh, yeah, and if we find one of the insecure ones we can't figure out whether to offer a lot of reassurance or whether that, too, is being 'clingy'.

 

Damned if we do; damned if we don't. There is no possible way to win this. Why don't people come with manuals or gauges?

[Curt]

See Moi, the thing is that even loyalty has limitations.

 

Loyalty only works so long as the other partner is being respectful, reciprocal, and loyal in the relationship as well.

 

Yes, ups and downs will occur in communication along the way, BUT, in general, there will not be a large gulf in emotional availableness in a good, warm love relationship.

 

I hate to appear as though I'm passing judgement...but to you, does the situation that vixen has explained to us all over the course of many weeks appear to be one of true devotion and cherished attachments?

 

Please forgive the "temperature" of the words.

 

Curt

[jenny]

Let him be busy, it's good for him, and for me in the long run. When he's stable, when he's on his own with a good job, and has graduated, i will know the man i love is no looser. That is highly important to me. I wont date a bum, collage educations or no me. I have my standerds i'm realy picky.

 

hmmmm...is it also important to you that *you* have a college education or can support yourself? i think the most important thing is to find someone who treats you well and is kind; the only bum is someone who is treating you the way he is treating you.

[moimeme]

Being physically unavailable doesn't mean emotionally so. While I was doing my BA paper (like a thesis), I couldn't see my BF as much as I dearly wished I could. I had to work. He felt neglected and ditched me just before my defense.

 

So I 'get' being too busy. If you devote time to your relationship to the detriment of other things, you're irresponsible or clingy. If you devote time to your other responsibilites as you should, you're also up a creek. Now I try to be sure to be attentive and to let people know they are being thought of so they won't feel neglected - that'll likely land me with a 'clingy' label.

 

I tell ya, it's hopeless. Think I'll go into the back yard and eat sand.

[cindy0039]

Moi - Is this more about you or about Vixen? I sense you're dealing with a problem of your own possibly (?) We're here for you too, you know.

[moimeme]

The angst about figuring people out is me, however I am posting my experience because I think it's analogous.

 

She has a BF in school who's very busy. I was very busy in school, too, and lost somebody because he felt neglected. Maybe this guy really does want to keep her and is genuinely busy. It'd be a shame if he dumped him for being 'emotionally unavailable' if the guy is just trying to keep his head above water in school is all. She's trying to not be 'clingy' and give him time to do his stuff and she's getting ragged for it.

 

But thanks, Cindy.

[vixen]

Hug's to Moi, hugs hugs hugs. T_T finaly someone in here who understands me. Do you all know jon pays for his collage out of his own pocket? Do you know this? The 60 or so hours he puts into work is nessicary, becouse like me he hates to rely on others. (no loans, no finacial aid and collage isn't all he's paying for in life) I understand that so much, i hate even asking my own mom and dad for help. It's a foolish pride i know but it's something we two have in commen. If jon didn't love me or want me, he'd have left by now. I am going to be going to collage soon to, and this will be my first time, and i'm 25, i'm going to be spending my life studding becouse i'm not the brightest bulb on the tree. Jon comes to my aid when i say i nead his emotinal suppport. Jon loose valuable sleep over me when i have a problem, and he does so without complaint. Jon gives me all of his attention when he isn't buisy with responsibilties, how is that not love. He calls me on his ride home from work, and if he doesn't have home work on his day off he sees me. I mean he crams like hell in the hopes he doesn't have the homework. He makes all the effoforts, no one sees these things but me.

 

Moi knows and replies becouse at one time in her life she was Jon. I'm not leaving him just becouse he's busy. Becouse when you love someone, and they love you too, you don't go ditching them becaouse you can't come first. After all i have to put me befor him, so he has to put him befor me, it's being true to ones self.

 

hmmmm...is it also important to you that *you* have a college education or can support yourself?

Yes jenny it is, verry important. I have to give finacialy as much as he, or i will feel a bit like i'm a leech, even though i know he wouldn't look at me that way. I would. So it's off to collage for this woman.

 

Vixen

[moimeme]

Hug's to Moi, hugs hugs hugs

 

 

Thanks, Vixen, and hugs back to you! I, too, worked to put myself through university and lived on my own while I was doing it. It's a lot of work.

 

It sounds to me as though you two are a great couple and lucky to have found each other!