Uncertainty is killing me

[Ginger79]

Hi all,

 

I have written before about compatibility etc. I realise now that maybe there's no reason for me to feel uncertainty in my LTR with my amazing partner. I get a little nervous and I feel like all my reasons are entirely trivial.

 

We are trying to have couple nights and he's making more an effort to come to social events with me on my terms, not just his... at least I'm getting the "I might come" answer now rather than "I feel bad for leaving you to go alone but I don't really want to spend my free time hanging out with your friends." I'm happy about it but there's this weight in my chest. He's away for a couple of months in a small town and I do miss him but not tremendously. We had a weekend just the other day and I was truly happy for a while until we spoke about him going to work in another small town for a year and if I would want to be close to him by moving to another small town for my studies which is closer to the small town he'll be in. I felt my heart sink.

 

I want to live on the beach some day and I have a chance next year to live near the beach. I figured that if i'm going to be him for the rest of my life, I'm never going to have the chance to live the dreams I want (trivial stuff like live next to a bustling beach. he'll live in a costal town with me... but the weather can't be too hot.) It's about 2 hs from the small town he will work in. I don't really want to live in the small town he had in mind for me to live in so we can be close together. I feel like the bad person if I insist on moving to the beach which is still close enough to him. But I really want to do it. And I really want to do plastic surgery on a certain part of me but he said he will stop loving me if I have it done.

 

The truth is I feel that if I am truly and deeply in love, I'll go with him into the tundra, no problem, because we'll have so much fun together anyhow. But I'm not having fun with him even though he's starting to try and do the things I like. I still feel like something is missing. And I feel like he'll always try to talk me out of something I want if it doesn't fit in with his plans. I don't know. I feel like I'll always have to follow him. Like he'll pick the country we live in and maybe we can compromise on which town we settle in or the colour of the house. Doesn't matter if I might not like the country because he needs to see a way out of his current situation as he hates where we're living in right now due to the weather and traffic. He reckoned that friends come and go and I'll make new friends or that we'll be rich (which we will be because our careers are solid) that I can fly back and forth to see my friends if I want to.

 

When we argue about where we want to go, he says I assume too much... that's he is not thinking of a remote island where I won't have access to anything but, rather, a smaller town than a real city. I have been to these smaller towns. I know I'll be bored. He also told me things change constantly and I shouldn't worry because he doesn't even know where we will end up. So I'm worry too much about the future.

 

However, he's so perfect in every other way. I mean which other girl wouldn't jump at the chance to have a relationship with a guy who is sure of himself, have a great job, a good sense of humor, interesting hobbies, devoted, loyal, doesn't beat them, is extremely generous with money, respects them, thinks the world of them etc.? I know I have it good. Don't say I'm ungrateful. I'm very grateful and I love him.

 

I want to love him enough. I know my reasons such as uncertainty without a clause and not having fun is so trivial. I'm not ever going to find another guy like him. But WHY am I feeling so down all the time even though it's clear that he has the power to make me happy sometimes? Why am I so narky with him? Why don't I feel the passion? Why don't I want to have sex? It's just so wrong!

 

I thought about breaking up with him but I find we are good together if I can just get over my pickiness. Friends said I'm too picky. I'm too old. I should be contend because my man is as good as they come and I don't know gold when it's right in front of me. I have made a list of all the good things about my partner and all the bad things and still feel the same way. I made a list about my wants and I wonder if they are valid must-haves? I feel like such a teenage girl for a woman turning 30!!!

 

Sorry for the rant. I am so sad right now. I'm going to try really hard though and right now, I can have phone conversations again with him and be genuinely interested. Maybe it's because he used to study medicine and I find it fascinating. Now that I'm studying medicine myself, I can fascinate myself with the subject and he's starting to bore me? I don't know. It's awful... I know! Don't rag on me please. We talk about other stuff as well, like existentialism, religion, philosophy, life... things I don't find many people discussing with the same fervent, knowledge and sensitivity as me.

 

I also feel like I'm going to be extremely busy in future and I don't want to compromise on missing out fun things I like just because he doesn't want to them.

 

LTRs are such a pain. I want committment, I got committment. Now I'm unsure. What sort of sick, selfish person am I?

[TaraMaiden]

If you discuss religion, philosophy, etcetera, then answer this question.

Where is happiness?

 

Give me the precise map location, bearings altitude, distance from nearest town, city, sea or tundra.

You will be sure to have people flocking in their thousands.

Sell tickets, you can be rich!

 

I think though, that happiness is not a place.

It is a state of being.

And if you cannot be happy as you are now, where you are now, transferring to some other place will also not give it to you.

Happiness comes from being serene and content inside. Nothing outside matters, because nothing outside of you remains the same.

If it did, we would all only be happy with one house, one car, one cooking stove, one partner......

 

_/l\_

[Ginger79]

I personally believe there's a difference between happiness as we experience it, contentment with ourselves, and blissfulness.

 

I know the often bandied axiom:" happiness comes from within". However, unlike contentment with ourselves and loving ourselves, I believe that our happiness level are, to a certain extent, influenced by external factors. I.e., I can be very contented with the person I am. But it doesn't mean I'm happy everyday. Misery can be productive and is not necessary a bad thing. It forces us to reevaluate our lives.

 

Some may argue I'm unhappy with my relationship because I'm not happy with myself. The fact is I'm truly ecstatic about the person that I am. I wouldn't change myself for anything other than the natural change which comes with growth. But external factors are stressing my life. I'm re-evaluating my situation. The constant pull of what I want vs what I need vs what I have vs what I may lose is the source of my anxiety. Currently, I'm trying to pinpoint what can be fixed and what cannot be fix, what I am happy to go without and what I'm happy to compromise on.

 

I can see how this would relate to my situation. I'm trying to find out what will make me happy... leaving this relationship and the stress and losing a great guy for a "gut feeling" that won't go away... or working on it. I'm working on it and it's a painful process because ultimately, I know it's about compromise and how much do I compromise before I lose myself?

[TaraMaiden]

I personally believe there's a difference between happiness as we experience it, contentment with ourselves, and blissfulness.

Ok.

Please tell me what it is then.

I know the often bandied axiom:" happiness comes from within". However, unlike contentment with ourselves and loving ourselves, I believe that our happiness level are, to a certain extent, influenced by external factors.

Possibly, but all external factors are transitory. Internal factors are as permanent as we are.

 

I.e., I can be very contented with the person I am. But it doesn't mean I'm happy everyday. Misery can be productive and is not necessary a bad thing. It forces us to reevaluate our lives.

Yes, but re-evaluation should be done while you are happy, not miserable, because our decisions will be tainted by anxiety, greed, disillusionment and grasping. The time to re-evaluate is when you do not feel pressed to do so.

 

Some may argue I'm unhappy with my relationship because I'm not happy with myself. The fact is I'm truly ecstatic about the person that I am. I wouldn't change myself for anything other than the natural change which comes with growth.

 

The snag is that you are the only thing you have control over.

But external factors are stressing my life.

because you give them permission to do so.

 

I'm re-evaluating my situation. The constant pull of what I want vs what I need vs what I have vs what I may lose is the source of my anxiety.

What would happent to you personally if you got what you wanted?

What would happen to you personally if you did not?

 

getting what you want, is not the same as wanting what you have got.

your anxiety is internal. It is grasping and desire. But even if you got it, you would not be satisfied for very long, I fear.

 

Currently, I'm trying to pinpoint what can be fixed and what cannot be fix, what I am happy to go without and what I'm happy to compromise on.

All internal. nothing on the outside. Do you see this, or not? Why insist that if only you could change that, or that, or him and that, you would then be happy?

No guarantee of this at all! so concentrate on being content in the present. The future is beyond anyone's grasp.

 

I can see how this would relate to my situation. I'm trying to find out what will make me happy... leaving this relationship and the stress and losing a great guy for a "gut feeling" that won't go away... or working on it. I'm working on it and it's a painful process because ultimately, I know it's about compromise and how much do I compromise before I lose myself?

 

The moment we decide that part of our contentment depends on the presence of a partner, we give part of ourselves away.

Nobody else can make you happy but you.

You don't have to lose any part of you. You don't have to compromise.

You need to learn to accept.

Even with the successful gain of your highest achievement, this too will slip away one day. so even the most ambitious, high-flying earners, ultimately, will be poor.

[Ginger79]

Happiness to me is a light-hearted emotion. You smile/laugh, generally feel good about the world when you are happy. You can be happy because you scored 100% on a test or because your partner gave you a flower unexpectedly. You can be happy for absolutely no reason.

 

contentment with self: You accept yourself for who you are and who you are not. No one can take that away from you whether you are happy or not.

 

Bliss: This, to me, has to do with spirituality. To me, it's a connectedness with the spiritual side of yourself, the world, and to some, God or gods and goddessness. For some, it could be a connectedness with nature. A oneness with the Greater whatever.

 

Internal factors are transient as well. We grow, we change.

 

I disagree that evaluation should be done only when we are happy. I'm not talking about misery as in a depressive state where one lacks insight. Misery as in a state of unhappiness with something... a recognition that something is wrong and needs investigating into because that something is causing a snag.

 

I'm not trying to change him but only getting the relationship to meet my needs because those are needs that can only be met in a relationship. A recognition of who I am, what I need and I want from him. True, I can be content and not desire to have those needs met. Unfortunately, I'm not Buddha. I am also trying to meet his needs so he feels fulfilled. We do that because we love each other and yes, the effort is painful because what we are doing run contrary to our nature. But relationship is compromise, isn't it?

 

What would happent to you personally if you got what you wanted?

What would happen to you personally if you did not?

 

getting what you want, is not the same as wanting what you have got.

your anxiety is internal. It is grasping and desire. But even if you got it, you would not be satisfied for very long, I fear.

 

I will be unashamedly happy if I got what I wanted. It's part of my human nature to want what I want and be gratified and happy when I get my wants. If I don't get what I want, I wouldn't be happy. But I can deal with it. I still have me.

 

And I'm working on wanting what I've got and ignoring what I want because that's committment and loyalty, isn't it?

 

No one can make us happy but us. We shouldn't need our partners to feel content. Why even have a partner at all if we are so self-satisfied and content and thus not even need to share our lives with others? Why not stick with a bastard just because we are so content with ourselves and happy within? It's a fallacy, I think, to think that our partners are not in anyway responsible for our happiness. Unfortunately, our society evolved to a stage where marriage vows are seen as permanent and sacred... that long term relationship and marriages should be saved at all cost (as long as you're not abused in any way). For better or worse. Human beings crave companionship. Our culture evolved to that where people partner up and marry and that partner is our constant companionship. That is a big factor in our happiness.

[TaraMaiden]

Happiness to me is a light-hearted emotion. You smile/laugh, generally feel good about the world when you are happy. You can be happy because you scored 100% on a test or because your partner gave you a flower unexpectedly. You can be happy for absolutely no reason.

 

contentment with self: You accept yourself for who you are and who you are not. No one can take that away from you whether you are happy or not.

 

Bliss: This, to me, has to do with spirituality. To me, it's a connectedness with the spiritual side of yourself, the world, and to some, God or gods and goddessness. For some, it could be a connectedness with nature. A oneness with the Greater whatever.

There is nothing greater than you.

 

Internal factors are transient as well. We grow, we change.

Internal factors should only grow one way, and that is beneficially. If they change in any other way, they were not rooted at all. The perception of internal contentment was a false one.

 

...I'm not trying to change him but only getting the relationship to meet my needs because those are needs that can only be met in a relationship.

 

But how can you expect to have your needs met in the relationship without trying to get him to change? Do you expect to be able to do this all from your side? or are you saying you need to alter your own evaluation and perception of the relationship, in order to accept it willingly the way it is?

If you have needs that can only be met in a relationship, this is a reliance on external factors. factors over which you have no ultimate complete control. You are losing before you start, because you csnnot govern thing to meet your needs, without him also radically doing so.

 

 

 

A recognition of who I am, what I need and I want from him

If he is together with you on this, 100% then you may get your wish. But recognition of who you are is flawed. his pewrception of you will always be from his angle, in his mind, in his eyes. Not through yours. We can want all we like for someone to see us in a particular way, but if they cannot, then there is little we can do.

 

. True, I can be content and not desire to have those needs met. Unfortunately, I'm not Buddha.

neither am I! But simply because we are not somebody, it doesn't make the teachings wrong! Hard work, maybe, but attainable never the least.

remember, buddha is not a god. he was an ordinary human being. just like we are.

 

I am also trying to meet his needs so he feels fulfilled. We do that because we love each other and yes, the effort is painful because what we are doing run contrary to our nature.

Why? Why so contrary?

The purpose of life is to be happy and to make others happy. Not the other way around. It cannot be the other way around. We must be happy first before we can be able to bring happiness to others.

 

 

But relationship is compromise, isn't it?

yes.

But compromise doesn't mean equally divided.

 

 

I will be unashamedly happy if I got what I wanted. It's part of my human nature to want what I want and be gratified and happy when I get my wants. If I don't get what I want, I wouldn't be happy. But I can deal with it. I still have me.

From what you insist, I don't think it sounds as if you can deal with it. There is a lot of I want, I want, in there.

 

And I'm working on wanting what I've got and ignoring what I want because that's committment and loyalty, isn't it?

Sounds like a lot of unnercessary effort to me! Why not just relax and be content, instead of working on it so hard?

 

No one can make us happy but us. We shouldn't need our partners to feel content. Why even have a partner at all if we are so self-satisfied and content and thus not even need to share our lives with others? Why not stick with a bastard just because we are so content with ourselves and happy within? It's a fallacy, I think, to think that our partners are not in anyway responsible for our happiness.

No, it is fact. believe me. I am there. But I am there with choice and open eyes. My happiness and contentment in my life is my job, my duty and my gift to myself. The fact that I am with someone who does not - as you say - meet my needs, is of no consequence. I meet my needs. I am more necessary to him than he is to me.

And I am content with that.

Do I sound trodden on? Forget it, please. believe me, I most certainly am not.....

 

 

Unfortunately, our society evolved to a stage where marriage vows are seen as permanent and sacred... that long term relationship and marriages should be saved at all cost (as long as you're not abused in any way). For better or worse. Human beings crave companionship. Our culture evolved to that where people partner up and marry and that partner is our constant companionship. That is a big factor in our happiness.

Ridiculous,man-made ideology designed to make people conform to a determined pattern of behaviour which is contrary to human nature.

marriage vows are certainly not permanent, and they don't have to be sacred - certainly in any religious way.

we may crave companionship, but we also need and deserve to be on our own sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with being alone. It does not concern me, whether I am alone or with someone. alone does not signify 'lonely'....

Our culture has vlearly not evolved to partnering up and marrying in a constant companionship. If it had, there would be much less divorce, less cruelty and no fora like this one. Proodf if you wish, that all this relationship with one person for ever and ever is the exception to prove the rules.

It happens for many. But for many it does not.

And sometimes, we fight and fight and fight to keep something stupid alive, because we are simply too scared to face the alternative choice.

[Ginger79]

Thanks Tara, I really appreciate your Buddhist outlook to life. But for me, I cannot subscribe to that ideal even though many people told me it's the way to go. My experience and own thought processes leads me to think otherwise.

 

Unfortunately, I'm still a concrete person in a concrete world. I guess I'm wondering if a nagging feeling or a prolonged disastisfaction with a long term relationship is worth breaking the relationship over? All my reasons sound trivial. Sure, I can do fun things with other people and create new fun things to do with my SO. But I can't help what I feel more fun. I can see myself as an old woman with my guy but I can't enjoy myself right now.

 

I guess I'm wondering if there're anybody out there who rejected an otherwise perfect guy (career, generosity, impressive income, devotion, love, loyalty, intelligent conversation, shares the housework etc.) because of that phase in their life when they just couldn't be happy and regretted? How did you deal with that regret? do you pick yourself up? Was there any karma?

 

I do admit I'm the sort of chick who would buy a car and regret not shopping around for the best deal on the same car. So yah, maybe that's me. I want a lot of things. But when the wants are not met, is it necessary a deal breaker?

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks Tara, I really appreciate your Buddhist outlook to life. But for me, I cannot subscribe to that ideal even though many people told me it's the way to go. My experience and own thought processes leads me to think otherwise.

This is classic obstinacy and the refusal to let go. the clinging and grasping I told you of. Everybody does it. I do it all the time. So please do not think anything I am saying is meant to be a criticism or a judgment of you. I cannot do that. You are a human being whom I wish to treat with compassion and respect, so please know I am not being argumentative to be nasty....

But a constant refusal to accept a truth, especially when others also tell you it is so, is commendable, but ultimately frustrating.

 

Unfortunately, I'm still a concrete person in a concrete world

Where did you get this impression?

let me ask you something.

Who are you?

 

if we remove your arms and legs, does this make you any less a person? What if it was medically possible to strip everything away but your head.... and keep you alive... would you still be a 'concrete person in a concrete world'?

There is no solidty, no concrete, no permanence. There is nothing lasting. We are a simple breath away from dying, so we should function with this in mind at all times. if we are concrete people in concrete worlds, why do we not leave a lasting impression, a hole where we once were?

 

. I guess I'm wondering if a nagging feeling or a prolonged disastisfaction with a long term relationship is worth breaking the relationship over?

I think it's not the relationship that is unsatisfactory. I think it is you who is unsatisfied, and you happen to be in a relationship.....

 

All my reasons sound trivial. Sure, I can do fun things with other people and create new fun things to do with my SO. But I can't help what I feel more fun. I can see myself as an old woman with my guy but I can't enjoy myself right now.

What guarantee do you have of this old age? It is a desire, a hope, a wish.... but what if it ended tomorrow? Problem solved, I guess.....

 

I guess I'm wondering if there're anybody out there who rejected an otherwise perfect guy (career, generosity, impressive income, devotion, love, loyalty, intelligent conversation, shares the housework etc.) because of that phase in their life when they just couldn't be happy and regretted?

This is largely irellevant, because you are seeking a common ground with someone completely different to you. Their experience is their experience, yours is yours. Interconnected as we all are, you cannot hope to gain validation for your thoughts by relying on the thoughts of another....

your life is your life.

What are you doing with it?

 

How did you deal with that regret? do you pick yourself up? Was there any karma?

There is karma with everything you think, say and do. How can there not be karma? Karma is not something which brings judgment and retribution. It is a mere procedure... it is something we all go through and carry with us, good and bad. many people in the west have an inaccurate idea of what karma is.

basically it is the consequence to everything you think, say and do. what more is there to know?

 

I do admit I'm the sort of chick who would buy a car and regret not shopping around for the best deal on the same car. So yah, maybe that's me. I want a lot of things. But when the wants are not met, is it necessary a deal breaker?

Forget whether the wants are met or not. Are they skilful? or even necessary? That is the question.....

 

_/l\_