Medical School + Board Exams = Stressed to the max. What do I do?!?

[sucker4ya07]

Ok so this is kind of a long story, but any insight would be awesome and very much appreciated.

 

My ex and I have been together for 7 months, and everything has been amazing. We get along, we enjoy each other's company, the chemistry is ridiculous, we respect and support each other...it's just, awesome. He is a 2nd year med student and he's in the middle of a super stressful time with school and preparing for step 1 of the board exams in June. This test will determine where he can go for residency and what programs he will be able to get accepted into...what specialties he can study. A couple of months ago he started to freak out. He sat me down one night and tried to end things. He was really torn up about it, but just kept saying that he knew how much more stressful everything was going to get and he knows how he handles stress and he didn't want to ruin us. He kept saying that he hates not being able to give me everything he wants to right now, everything that I deserve, because of school. But he just kept saying he wanted me in his life, and he didn't want to lose me...so I suggested that since we both wanted to be in each other's lives...that instead of calling it quits...we should just take a step back. Remove the titles, let him focus on getting through the end of 2nd year and the board exams...etc etc. He visibly relaxed when I suggested this...and he agreed that it was a good idea. After the fact, everything kind of just went back to how it was. We spent a lot less time together so he could study...but he still made time for me...whether we met before work and class for coffee at 7am, or got together for lunch inbetween his classes. And we still talked everyday. He went so far out of his way to show me that even though he was busy, and couldn't always be there...he still cared and I was on his mind.

 

Well 3 weeks ago, he completely lost it. I went over to his place and he was a wreck. He just kept telling me that he knows I'm ok with how things are, but he isn't....that it tears him apart to know that I'm 2 miles away and he can't find the time to spend with me...and we can't talk for more than a few mins a day. He said that even when he is studying, all he can focus on is me and us...whether or not i'm really ok with things like I say I am...beating himself up for not being able to give me what he wants to, etc etc. He told me he is worried about doing horrible on the boards and screwing up his medical career. he told me he feels like he is getting depressed...which I can see, everything has really been taking it's toll on him. Anyway...we ended things. I know that right now he has to completely focus on med school and the board exams. I do not want to stand between him and his career in any way...I just want to help him through it. Since we broke up, I hung out with a mutual friend of ours who he lived with and who I went to high school with. She told me that she swears on her life that this has nothing to do with me or our relationship...that for as long as she has known him, he has just not handled stress well...and he's freaking out right now. I also found out through his friend's fiance, that he has told all of the guys that we are just taking time to not talk because of exams and what not, and we'll see where it goes from there. So on top of my gut telling me that he's not jerking me around, all of the other evidence points to the fact that he is being completely honest with me.

 

I know he cares about me, that has never been in question. I guess the advice I'm looking for has more to do with the outside factors. My hope is that he will take the next couple of months and concentrate on the boards, and get through them, and calm down a bit. I know that med school will never be a walk in the park, and I'm not expecting it to get easier...but I'm hoping that when he gets through the boards he will be able to acknowledge where we are at? We haven't spoken in 24 days...We said we would take a few weeks to adjust to things being different and to let him focus on exams. But he said he would call me, and he said we would see each other before he leaves at the end of the month. So I have been respecting his wishes and leaving him alone. I did finally send him a quick text yesterday, just saying happy easter and good luck on his exams tomorrow. He responded thanking me and wishing me a happy easter as well. But I'm still waiting for him to call...

 

I just don't know what to do. I want to be here for him and show him that I am supportive and understand what he is going through. I wish I could make him comfortable with the fact that I don't need everything from him right now...what he was giving me was enough. I'm not a needy girlfriend, I don't need all of his time...just knowing he cares is enough for me. Just knowing that he wishes there was more time is enough for me...He told me he doesn't want to burn this bridge and that he wants me in his life. So Idk...What do I do?!?

[RecordProducer]

Just knowing that he wishes there was more time is enough for me...

You know this is not enough, and when you are happy with the crumbs, it's time for you to admit to yourself that the next step (and your biggest fear) is getting nothing.

He told me he doesn't want to burn this bridge and that he wants me in his life.

He threw you out of his life with no promises, no guarantees. You're done, according to him. Are you sure it's not pressure from parents, like he's a future doctor and whatever? What's your profession/background?

 

Sorry, honey, but this doesn't sound like he truly loves you. This is disrespectful. He can tell you he doesn't have time to see you and you can see each other once a month and talk 5 min on the phone, but to break up completely? He said you're all he thinks about, so how are you not NOW all he thinks about? I wouldn't hold onto anything that his friends say/think. They know what he tells them.

 

Seven months is not a long time. Are you sure it's not about someone else? Perhaps some ex resurfaced?

[sucker4ya07]

You know this is not enough, and when you are happy with the crumbs, it's time for you to admit to yourself that the next step (and your biggest fear) is getting nothing.

He threw you out of his life with no promises, no guarantees. You're done, according to him. Are you sure it's not pressure from parents, like he's a future doctor and whatever? What's your profession/background?

 

Sorry, honey, but this doesn't sound like he truly loves you. This is disrespectful. He can tell you he doesn't have time to see you and you can see each other once a month and talk 5 min on the phone, but to break up completely? He said you're all he thinks about, so how are you not NOW all he thinks about? I wouldn't hold onto anything that his friends say/think. They know what he tells them.

 

Seven months is not a long time. Are you sure it's not about someone else? Perhaps some ex resurfaced?

 

 

Well, no...I wasn't trying to say that he made absolutely no time for me and I was just happy knowing he wished he had it. We saw each other a few times a week...whether for lunch, or coffee, or me staying the night. He would go out of his way to send me flowers, or write me poems and send them to my office. All I meant by what I said was that...I understand right now med school comes first. I understand that he doesn't have the kind of time available to be spending 7 days a week with me. I just meant that I am ok with the balance we have found, and I'm ok knowing that he wishes he had more time to give...because one day he will.

 

And I'm not saying that how he is handling everything is right, because it's not. But I don't think he is being disrespectful at all. I think he is trying to do what he thinks is right. I think he feels that it is disrespectful to stay in a relationship with me and NOT be able to give me everything. He does care about me, it is definitely not in question. And I know why we are where we are....he's losing control of his life right now and the only thing he knows how to do is clear the table and focus on the one thing he knows he has to. Med students are a weird bunch...all of them I know are kind of losing their cool right now.

 

As far as the parents or an ex....no and no. His family loves me, and his family has been supportive of him being in a relationship. As far as exes...it's just not even something that's remotely a possibility. And I am self sufficient. I have a career in advertising and a life outside of him.

 

Idk, it really does just come down to the fact that he is lost and scared right now and way overwhelmed with school. he feels like he is failing everyone who is important to him...me, his friends, his family. The day we broke up his great uncle died...and he couldn't go with his family to the funeral because it was far away and he had med school. He's trying to do what's best for him right now...which is figuring out his life and getting it back under control. I know I can't ask him to give me himself if right now he feels like he doesn't even have anything to give himself. he literally is drowning. He barely sleeps. all he does is eat, study, pass out on his books at his desk...maybe go to the gym every once in a while to blow off some stress if he can squeeze it in.

 

I know it probbaly sounds like bull****, but I know him, and I know the type of person he is, and I've seen the stress he's under, and I know how hard he's tried for us....so yes, i do believe him, and I believe in us. Because he has never given me a single reason not to. And if I hadn't seen what he had been going through in the couple months leading up to this...I would feel differently. But I know that it is all true...the fact is he just doesn't konw how to deal with it all.

[RecordProducer]

OK, well, that's great if you trust him and know he loves you. Then why do you ask what to do?

[eiithan]

Dear OP,

 

Sometimes I think it's a sort of prevalent issue amongst people who never left school. Graduating college, going to grad school straight, getting their Ph.D/M.D/J.D./etc done in a fixed (short) time frame, you get the picture. Their first priority is academic career, and everything else other than school seems like a distraction. Which often creates a misguided, selfish conclusion of "my life is stressful enough, and keeping a steady girl/boyfriend adds up so much more stress, so I must break up" when the core issue has nothing to do with the Significant Other. In other words, it's an immature way of dealing with issues.

 

On the other hand, however, a friend of mine once told me that when one party in a relationship is stressed with his/her life, the best thing the other person can do is not to give additional stress. I think, if you want to give him a second chance, he must be willing to communicate through all these issues including his means to deal with stress, appreciating having someone to support him psychologically, and your approach to the issue. Makes sure that it's not about one's intellectual ability (I take it your ex is a highly intelligent man), but acting as an adult in a conflict that needs to be solved.

 

Good luck to you.

[sucker4ya07]

Well...because I've never been in this situation before. I've never had a great relationship that was put in this place because of an outside factor. It has always been the relationship itself that was a problem...and I've always just moved on from it. But now I'm struggling. Because I do care about him and I want this to work. I guess I'm looking for advice on how to handle it....do I just go my own way and let him work through all of it on his own...and let him contact me when he's ready? Or do I try to show him that I'm here for him? Has anyone had experiences like this? I mean, my fears get the best of me when we have nothing but silence between us. I start thinking...I'm really easy to get over, he'll just forget about me, he'll decide I'm not worth it...etc etc. It's all my own insecurities from past relationships...and because right now we aren't talking so he can get through the end of this year...they are screaming at me SO LOUD. And I feel bad because I do start questioning him, and he's never given me a single reason to do so. He's the type of person who's told me since day one, he will never tell me he will do something unless he knows without a doubt he can....and he's always stuck to that. His word is very important to him....and so I sit here wondering...will he call? Will we see each other before he leaves for 2 months? And I hate that I am doubting it...because I don't believe that he would have said those things if he did not mean them. Again...it's my insecurities. I just feel lost...

[eiithan]

One more thing I forgot to mention: DO NOT EVER fool yourself that you can save this guy. He's the only person who can save himself from his state of being lost. The best thing one can do for the other person's well being is to motivate him/her to want to become a better person.

[miss_28]

I've had the exact thing happen to me... right down to me having a career in advertising and him being a student trying to get through bio-chem (well, close enough). He also had to pay his way through school, didn't have a lot of support, and basically had all kinds of external pressures. He had the exact same melt-down, (and yes, we had a fantastic and close relationship).He basically felt out of control with his life and had a sort of crisis. He told me the same things your ex told you; that he can't stand not being there for me more (which was surprising to me, I thought we were seeing each other fine...), that he wished he had spare money to spend on me (he really had no money even to take me to the movies at that point) etc. Prior to his breaking up with me, I let him know that he can count on me, that I understand his pressures, and I did my best to alleviate external pressures. I would tell him if he needed a quiet space to use my apartment (he still lived at home) & not to worry about going to the gym if he needed to blow off steam. To begin with, I was never a girl that needed a guy to spend on me to keep me around, I only ever wanted a man who is honest, affectionate and there with me.

 

I even told him I know that there will be a point during finals where I would need to give him space so he can study, etc. (without him even asking me - I knew because I had been a student too). I was a great girlfriend (without even trying), but he dumped me anyways, right smack during his exams, out of the blue. (just two nights before he was caressing my face while I pretend to sleep and I saw him smiling and looking at me adoringly - I'm great at feigning sleep).

 

So, when he broke up with me, I was shocked, hurt, angry, humiliated, I felt horrible. How could this person take what I was offering and take my heart and just spit on it? And that's what has happened to you, like it or not. It hurts like hell, your confidence rots for a while, but its out of your hands. It's been a year for me, and I still relive that awful night sometimes. But, things are the way they are. I have gone NC since that night, and he hasn't tried to contact me. I've let him be, (I told him off that night for hurting me) and it's the way it should be. He's not ready to be with me, and I can't be with someone who doesn't know how to handle pressure. Life throws so many things your way, so many. If you are able to risk losing someone or something wonderful in your life because you can't cope with something like school (and like it or not, everyone eventually realizes school is not the biggest pressure in life), then you have to be alone until you grow up enough to learn to deal with life. Trust me, you want that in a guy, in anyone really.

 

All I can say is leave this one alone, you did your best, you were honest and there for him, and he knows that (even if you think he doesn't). All you can do by trying to be there for him is end up looking like a doormat, which will not help anyone and will make him lose respect for you (more importantly, make you lose respect for yourself). Try to move on with you life, maybe one he day he'll realize what he's lost and try hard to get it back, maybe he won't. Be ready to let him go completely to find his way. But you have to know you deserve better than that BS treatment - even if he's sincere - it doesn't make it less painful or less sh**ty.

 

One big hug girl! Chin up.

[Star Gazer]

Dear OP,

 

Sometimes I think it's a sort of prevalent issue amongst people who never left school. Graduating college, going to grad school straight, getting their Ph.D/M.D/J.D./etc done in a fixed (short) time frame, you get the picture. Their first priority is academic career, and everything else other than school seems like a distraction. Which often creates a misguided, selfish conclusion of "my life is stressful enough, and keeping a steady girl/boyfriend adds up so much more stress, so I must break up" when the core issue has nothing to do with the Significant Other. In other words, it's an immature way of dealing with issues.

 

Having gone to college, and straight through to an M.A. and then a J.D., and then the California Bar Exam (which I'd say is the most difficult exam of all 50 states), I have to agree that for those who go "straight through" and are focused making it past the pearly gates (whatever exam it is, Boards, Bar, CPA, etc.), the only thing that really matters at that time is the exam itself. Relationships are a distant second. However, I disagree that it's an immature way of dealing with issues. Rather, it's the result of setting priorities.

 

On the other hand, however, a friend of mine once told me that when one party in a relationship is stressed with his/her life, the best thing the other person can do is not to give additional stress.

 

Agreed, 100%.

 

When I was studying for the Bar, my LD BF sent me roses to cheer me up. However, I had to drive 20 minutes outside of town to the florist to pick them up. That pissed me off. 40 minutes of driving, plus waiting, to pick up flowers. I know that sounds princessy, but the last thing I needed 2 weeks before the Bar Exam was a wasted hour.

 

It was the beginning of the end.

[eiithan]

Having gone to college, and straight through to an M.A. and then a J.D., and then the California Bar Exam (which I'd say is the most difficult exam of all 50 states), I have to agree that for those who go "straight through" and are focused making it past the pearly gates (whatever exam it is, Boards, Bar, CPA, etc.), the only thing that really matters at that time is the exam itself. Relationships are a distant second. However, I disagree that it's an immature way of dealing with issues. Rather, it's the result of setting priorities.

 

Focusing on one's priorities is fine. In fact, especially when it comes to one's life time commitment that defines who that person is, I think it's the way it should be. By immaturity, I was rather referring to the instances when the relationship/the significant other is blamed for the problems when the real cause is something else. It may also depend on the length/seriousness of the relationship however. It's reasonable to back up from a casual, short term relationship if necessary, to regain some focus in one's life. Ending a steady, serious long term relationship (2 years or more)? I think it says something about the dumper's incapability to deal with real issues when things become difficult.

[Star Gazer]

Ending a steady, serious long term relationship (2 years or more)? I think it says something about the dumper's incapability to deal with real issues when things become difficult.

 

I agree, but difficult for who? Who's to say that the person who's "focusing" is the dumper? Perhaps it's the other person who's unable to "stand by their man/woman" while they go through that trying time.

[miss_28]

I think the OP was more than ready to "stand by her man" during the stressful time... she had been very accommodating without being a doormat about it (at least that's how I read it). What happened to stand by your woman? You don't just bail on someone you love, unless you are too dumb/young/self-absorbed to know what you have in the first place.

 

The issue in this post is that the dumper added extra pressure to himself and then threw away the relationship because he couldn't cope... even after she tried to create as stress-free an environment as she could. It's not that he doesn't care about her (I don't think he doesn't, he doesn't seem that way from the post); it is an immaturity or an inability to cope with stress - a very bad sign for a future doctor, I might add. Nowhere in this post did I see the OP hoping that he would put his career on hold for her... she just wants to know what to do; how can she be supportive without becoming a doormat or pushing him away further. Truth is, she can only control her side of the relationship, and imo, she let it be know that she was there for him. For someone who wants to become a doctor, or a lawyer, or whatever, panicking and hurting someone because you can't manage your stress is not ok... not if you love them anyways. He's not a bad guy, he just has some growing up to do or he's got to do a little more living - that's all. The OP shouldn't have to yo-yo while he figures out his life if he isn't even sure he wants her around? Thinking back, I would have loved to have that kind of support from my SO when I was in university... but I'm not sure I would've appreciated it the way I do now. I myself have learned to manage my time and my life so much since I was 20 - 24... things that would've made me freak out then are managable problems now. It's called growth...

[sucker4ya07]

Hi All...

 

I appreciate all of the helpful responses I have received. They have been really great :-)

 

I have a mini update. We ran into each other last night...it was a little awkward because he was with 2 classmates studying for their last 4 exams they had today...but we talked, and it was ok. He said he would call me soon, he just needs to get through the next 2 weeks...they finished regular M2 exams today, but have 3 shelf exams next week. I told him I understood, and just told him that I want us to be friends, I want us to be in each other's lives. He said he knows, and that we will be. So I said ok and I asked him to please not pull away from me. He told me he wasn't, and that he won't. So we hugged, and said goodbye and that was that.

 

He looked like an absolute mess. I mean over the last couple of months I've seen a change in him...I've seen him go from the happy go lucky, always smiling, full of energy, light up the room type of person to this dead tired, running on empty type person. But last night was a whooooole new level. His eyes were bloodshot, puffy...he just seemed so defeated. It was really hard to see him that way and know I can't do anything to help, but on another level it was kind of the last bit of reassurance I needed to know that he has been 100% honest with me and that I should trust myself on this.

 

My best guy friend is dating one of his classmates...that's how we met actually. But we talked today about things and he said that they are all really stressed right now. They are at this crossroads in their career. Finishing up M2 and all of the classroom stuff and moving into actual rotations. They are at the edge of embarking on the part of their career they have been waiting for for SO long...and I know it's scaring them all. Plus, with boards lingering out there 2 months from now, and the unknowns surrounding rotations, and the pressure of 7 exams this week and next....I totally understand why he looks like the walking dead. But I guess, I know some 3rd years at other schools...and I've seen the 3rd years at his school...and they are a much calmer bunch. I feel confident that once he gets through the boards and starts rotations, the stress is going to level out...Unfortunately, I don't think he even sees the light at the end of the tunnel right now. Which makes it hard for me...because I want to have faith in us...faith that when he calms down we will have a chance to be us again...even if it means we have to start really slow and keep it slow so he can deal with school.

 

I have been keeping my head held high though. I'm not falling apart over this. I miss him, yes. And I'm sad he's gone right now. Maybe he will never come back, idk. I'm not going to put my life on hold for him to figure things out, but I know I'm not ready to walk away from him either. Something inside of me just keeps telling me to have faith in it...and it will be ok. So...I'm trying.

[eiithan]

I agree, but difficult for who? Who's to say that the person who's "focusing" is the dumper? Perhaps it's the other person who's unable to "stand by their man/woman" while they go through that trying time.

 

In that case, It's more complicated and deep-rooted than simply ending a relationship because one has too much in his/her hand in a particular circumstance, unable to accommodate the idea of having another responsibility. A particular situation of stress would only signify what has been discontent in the relationship.

 

I exemplified with the 2 year or more long term relationship because that's where I understand the issue of commitment take a big part. No one can blame on a person for ending a relationship when his/her needs are not met, especially after a certain period of attempts to communicate to solve the issues. In the contrast, bailing out all of sudden because he/she panicks, not knowing how to govern his/her stress or emotional strait, and is quick to jump on a conclusion that the major contributor of the stress is his/her significant other, and somehow convinces him/herself that this is the way to deal with the situation, then I think I can call that emotionally immature.

 

Back to OP,

 

I hope things work out for you. At worst, you did all you can do and you should be proud of it.

[sucker4ya07]

I'm having one of those days...you know the kind where you just have that anxious feeling in your chest and the bad thoughts won't leave you alone. Siiiigh.

 

I really have no idea why I'm feeling this way today. Nothing has happened since I saw him Monday night...I'm used to not talking to him at this point, it's been almost a month. And I know he'll call me and we will see each other when he's finished in another 10 days or so. I'm just sad. I miss him. I hate that I couldn't call him last night and see how his exams went And I mean, I understand that right now he has made the decision that he needs to get through this thing alone...and as a result of that, he needs to see what it is actually like to do this without me. It's just hard not to be concerned or wonder how it's all going.

 

One of my fears, which I believe is irrational, is that he will just fade away. That he will never call, and we will never speak to each other again. I honestly feel like an idiot for letting myself think that way at times...Our relationship was amazing, our breakup was fine...there are no hard feelings on either side, no fights to overcome, no harsh words exchanged when it happened. Basically...if he walked away from us and never looked back, it would mean that I have been dead wrong about him this whole time, and I don't believe that is the case. And I have been so understanding...I'm honestly extremely proud of myself for how I have handled everything so far. The night we broke up I was a mess...but we kissed goodbye and he said we would talk soon, and I walked out of there with my head held high. It took me 23 days to crack and send him a simple happy easter, good luck on exams text...to which he responded. And then we ran into each other. But I have graciously stepped back from him...as much as it kills me...because I know it is what is best for him. I do not want to have any part in him feeling like he didn't do the very best he could do. I don't want him to feel like he could have scored better on Step 1 if maybe I hadn't been in the picture. I don't want him to resent me or us for anything having to do with his performance right now. And it has been a struggle at times...wanting to just call or email, or shoot a quick text. But I know that right now this is about him. It isn't about us. There can't be an us until he's ok with him...and above everything, I want him to be happy. I want him to be confident in himself again. I want him to succeed. I really do love him and if that means letting him go so that he can find himself, that is what I am prepared to do...and what I have been doing. I just really hope that we have a chance to pick back up one day. I know that if we are really meant to be, we will find our way back into this relationship....

 

Sigh...can you tell I have a lot on my mind today?!

[Lucky555]

Dear OP,

 

Sometimes I think it's a sort of prevalent issue amongst people who never left school. Graduating college, going to grad school straight, getting their Ph.D/M.D/J.D./etc done in a fixed (short) time frame, you get the picture. Their first priority is academic career, and everything else other than school seems like a distraction. Which often creates a misguided, selfish conclusion of "my life is stressful enough, and keeping a steady girl/boyfriend adds up so much more stress, so I must break up" when the core issue has nothing to do with the Significant Other. In other words, it's an immature way of dealing with issues.

 

On the other hand, however, a friend of mine once told me that when one party in a relationship is stressed with his/her life, the best thing the other person can do is not to give additional stress. I think, if you want to give him a second chance, he must be willing to communicate through all these issues including his means to deal with stress, appreciating having someone to support him psychologically, and your approach to the issue. Makes sure that it's not about one's intellectual ability (I take it your ex is a highly intelligent man), but acting as an adult in a conflict that needs to be solved.

 

Good luck to you.

 

 

I agree with this post. Let him know right now you know he is going through a lot. Offer to help him study maybe? I can imagine how stressful it is. I'm in an intense studying phase of my semester for my masters program and all i can think about is my work and graduating.

 

A guy right now is trying to just trying to get to know me better and I already freak out because I know i don't have time, i am selfish because i want to good in school, getting my career is the bigger priority (because i need to support myself).

 

Sounds like he has a lot of "stress, anxiety, and fear" with just school work.

 

1. I think you can work it out

2. Support his progress but have a life too

3. I think he does care about you and this is not to be thrown away

[sucker4ya07]

I agree with this post. Let him know right now you know he is going through a lot. Offer to help him study maybe? I can imagine how stressful it is. I'm in an intense studying phase of my semester for my masters program and all i can think about is my work and graduating.

 

A guy right now is trying to just trying to get to know me better and I already freak out because I know i don't have time, i am selfish because i want to good in school, getting my career is the bigger priority (because i need to support myself).

 

Sounds like he has a lot of "stress, anxiety, and fear" with just school work.

 

1. I think you can work it out

2. Support his progress but have a life too

3. I think he does care about you and this is not to be thrown away

 

 

Thank you for your POV. It's always nice to hear from someone who is going through similar stress with school.

 

I am trying very hard to just show him I'm here for him. A lot of times I feel like I'm just sitting idly by...because I'm not really doing anything...but I know that it is the best thing I can do right now. Any attempt I make to try and talk to him right now, or tell him I'm here, etc etc...would just feel like pressure to him. Which is the last thing he needs. So I try to remind myself when I start getting anxious and thinking I should "do something"...that I am doing something. I'm doing what's best for him and stepping out of the picture right now. I know in the end, all he will have to look back on is a mature relationship we both cherished, and a girl who respected and cared for him enough to let him go when he needed it. Oooor I go the other route and call and text and think about myself...and then what does he have to think abut when all is said and done...Wow, all she brought to my life was extra stress when I needed it the least

 

I guess I know deep down, that if I am right about him...and he really cares about me, we will have an opportunity to figure things out when things settle down. If I'm wrong...then I just have to be confident knowing I did everything I could do and that I handled the situation to the best of my ability.

 

You are definitely right Lucky...he has a LOT of stress, anxiety and fear right now. I keep wondering how it's been so easy for him to push me out of his life, because it's been so hard for me to step out of his. But seeing him a total mess on Monday made me realize that it's probably not easy for him at all...it's just something he knows he HAS to do right now to stay afloat and get through. Sometimes I think...how hard is it to just pick up the phone and call me for 5 mins to see how I'm doing, to catch up a little, whatever. How hard is it to send a quick text...etc. But I guess I know the answer to that. What's the point right now? He knows that we are in a very weird spot right now, and it's hard for both of us. We both know that whenever we talk, there will be a lot of underlying questions and expectations, whether we actually verbalize them or not. I think to myself, yes I want to talk to him so badly, and hear his voice...but what good would that do right now? He's not in a place at this point in time to address where we are at...so I know I would just be left feeling unfulfilled, and the waiting would just start over. He knows that he's hurting me and that I want things to be different, whether I say that to him or not...so for him, talking to me now is just a reminder of what he can't give me. And it's a drain on his concentration. I mean...if he couldn't force himself to push aside thoughts of me and us when we were together long enough to focus on his text books...I should know that he's not going to give into any desires to contact me until exams are all said and done....otherwise he just risks setting himself back with studying by digging up all of the thoughts and feelings about me/us that he's been trying to push aside for the last 4 weeks so he can get through the end of the year.

 

OMG why does this have to be so complicated? lol serioulsy. I mean...what is it with men and the whole pride thing. What is it about him that makes him feel like if he can't give me everything, then it has to be nothing right now? Why is it so hard for him to just be ok knowing I'm ok...and why is it so hard for him to let someone be there for him? What is with the "I have to do this on my own" mentality?

 

Yikes...sorry that post was sort of all over the place!

[SophieA]

I am the only one who thinks that if you "don't handle stress well" you shouldn't become a physician? I mean, we're talking work that deals peoples' health/lives here. I work closely with physicians and their work is very stressful....

[sucker4ya07]

I am the only one who thinks that if you "don't handle stress well" you shouldn't become a physician? I mean, we're talking work that deals peoples' health/lives here. I work closely with physicians and their work is very stressful....

 

hahaha...beliiiieeeeve me I've had that thought myself. I'm like...wtf? You need to pull yourself together kid! You can't be an emotional disaster for the rest of med school! But I think he'll be ok...I think it's just dealing with the transition. They all seem to be going through the same thing...however, my lovely ex-bf seems to be choosing to handle it in a more extreme way than most....chopping things out of your life is NOT an emotionally mature way to handle the stress of it all.

[GorillaTheater]

chopping things out of your life is NOT an emotionally mature way to handle the stress of it all.

 

Absolutely. I'm no Rock of Gibralter when it comes to stress, yet I managed to get through law school and the Bar while married with a small child and a job. Going through a stressful time is no excuse to dump on people.

[miss_28]

I agree with SophieA and Gorilla regarding the career choice... his handling of the situation seems young and immature and the future doctor needs to grow up and learn to deal (sorry if that sounds harsh).

[stefspets]

I didn't read all of the responses, but I wanted to add to this since my fiance is graduating medical school this year. I met him at the end of his third year, so I did not have to go through the second year/step 2 exam, which is the most difficult point of medical school (I believe), but I think I can contribute.

 

My fiance is an extremely even-keeled person. He does not get worked up or stressed out about much generally speaking. He has told me, though, that the second year of medical school was basically hell, that he didn't have time for anything (he never went to class, he studied at home all the time) and he would NOT have had time for a girlfriend then. He was extremely stressed out during his second year while studying for that test, and any time his friends talk about it he groans about how difficult it was (exaggerated whining about how awful it was, etc). Maybe his memories of it are worse than it actually was at the time but that's not the impression I get.

 

My point is, I think your ex has tried really hard to maintain the relationship up to this point and you have been extremely accommodating to him. That doesn't mean that he's handled this the best way, but if he has reached his breaking point, I can see why he would break up with you even though he cares.

 

If I were you and believed that things were completely good up to the point where he broke up with you due to his stress level, I would wait until the tests for the year are done, then call him and try to work it out (if possible). Let him get past this hurdle then try to reapproach him.

 

Most people here will probably tell you to just ditch him because he's too busy, but you have to decide that for yourself (how good was the relationship? is there a future in it?).

[sucker4ya07]

I didn't read all of the responses, but I wanted to add to this since my fiance is graduating medical school this year. I met him at the end of his third year, so I did not have to go through the second year/step 2 exam, which is the most difficult point of medical school (I believe), but I think I can contribute.

 

My fiance is an extremely even-keeled person. He does not get worked up or stressed out about much generally speaking. He has told me, though, that the second year of medical school was basically hell, that he didn't have time for anything (he never went to class, he studied at home all the time) and he would NOT have had time for a girlfriend then. He was extremely stressed out during his second year while studying for that test, and any time his friends talk about it he groans about how difficult it was (exaggerated whining about how awful it was, etc). Maybe his memories of it are worse than it actually was at the time but that's not the impression I get.

 

My point is, I think your ex has tried really hard to maintain the relationship up to this point and you have been extremely accommodating to him. That doesn't mean that he's handled this the best way, but if he has reached his breaking point, I can see why he would break up with you even though he cares.

 

If I were you and believed that things were completely good up to the point where he broke up with you due to his stress level, I would wait until the tests for the year are done, then call him and try to work it out (if possible). Let him get past this hurdle then try to reapproach him.

 

Most people here will probably tell you to just ditch him because he's too busy, but you have to decide that for yourself (how good was the relationship? is there a future in it?).

 

 

Thank you for your response. It seems to be the consensus among all the medical school people I know that this time is just super stressful and sucky and I should just let him get over the hurdles. I do believe our relationship is worth fighting for, and I definitely see a future with him. So I know I am willing to wait it out and get through this with him. I know we will either pass through the storm together and be stronger as a couple because of it, or we will go our separate ways. But I do not ever want to look back on this situation and regret walking away from him when he was struggling. I do not want to regret doing something stupid, or adding stress to his life when he already has enough of it. He will get over this hurdle, and he will either realize...man she really cares, and she handled this well and she stood by my side when most people would have walked away...or he'll realize that in spite of it all he just can't be with me.

 

The silence is just so hard. I want to hear his voice, I want to see how it's all going. I can't wait until M2 is done Friday....now, if only boards could be done too!!

[Lizzyb6938]

Oh honey I know exactly what you're going through. my ex and i broke up because of med 6 months ago. i've too heard the same stuff like I love you but I don't know if I can handle this, I don't want to let you down, i don't want to scare you off forever because I won't be able to be there for you bla bla bla. it really really sucks.

 

i've seen him three times since we've broken up and everytime he gets really emotional (before we broke up I never saw him cry in 2.5 years) and tells me the same that he's barely keeping his head above water etc etc. last time i saw him he gave the speil about how he's missed me, loves me, bought me a ring (which i think is really inappropriate) but every time he thinks he can do both he gets another sh*t load of work which reminds him how tough it would be. so we've agreed to try again after July because that's when i'll be back from overseas and he will have gotten through his exams. but i'm not relying on that. i know that he could very likely say the same things to me in July.

 

so anyways basically i've been moving on, dating a little, going out, going away, working at my OWN CAREER (which is just as bloody important lol). you just gotta keep moving and honestly i would not be so available. be friendly, yes, always be nice, but don't be there for him all the time. he is never going to come back if he thinks you are always going to be there. i know you want to be supportive and help him through this but i agree with what someone else above said you CAN'T help him through this, only he can. just let him be. honestly i know that feels like giving up but the only way you two will ever have a chance is by letting go. let him miss you- disappear for a while. you might worry that he'll forget you, but i think it will be the opposite, he'll find himself worrying what you're doing, what you're up to

 

I know it's really hard, I had a dream about my ex the other night about us being at my house together watching tv and i woke up crying because i realised that it wasn't real anymore. yes i miss him like crazy, yes i wish he were here but i've realised i need to let him go if i'm ever to find him again (correction if he's ever to find ME again).

 

i really feel for you babe, it honestly sucks. they think they are making sacrifices for some bullsh*t greater good lol (sorry about the language, i get very worked up, i refer to medicine as the 'm' word now). but in their defence i think when it comes to guys they feel like they need to have themselves together and sorted out before they want to take on another person. they don't like to fail, they don't want to fail as your boyfriend or disappoint you. crazy i know, but i really do feel that's how they think. anyways stay strong, i really understand what you're going through :-) when i read you're topic i was like wow lol i'm not alone hehe

 

lizzy xx

[sucker4ya07]

Lizzy, I am sorry you have been going through something very similar. It is not an easy situation :-( You seem to be handling it all very well though! I hope you guys will have an opportunity to work things out this summer :-)

 

It has officially been one month since we broke up. And the only contact we have had was running into each other and that text message. It's the home stretch though, for this leg of the race at least. Shelf exams all day tomorrow and Friday....and then he's doooone. Well, done with M2. But at least all he will have on his plate from now til June is Boards prep. I'm getting really anxious/nervous about talking to him. I'm trying not to think about it too much...I'm trying not to have expectations about what will be said or not said. But at the same time I want to be prepared to handle whatever he throws at me. I want to hold it together, but I'm afraid I'll cry. I want to leave the convo in his hands, but I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself in the moment from asking the questions that have been running through my head for the last month. I'm afraid I will tell him I miss having him in my life and I don't want to lose him, etc. And those are all things I don't want to do!!! I definitely don't want him thinking I'm just going to wait here for him forever to figure things out. I want him to know that I care, and I want him here, but I don't need him and I am fine without him. And that I have expectations/needs as well. I know relationships are give and take, and right now he needs to be in his own headspace and figure it out...but I need to know that we are either going to be in each other's lives, or we're not. I can't sit here for the next 2 months while he's 180 miles away studying for the boards...wondering if it's ok to call him. Scared of doing something wrong...wondering if today will be the day we talk. Lol...it's exhausting. Mentally and emotionally.

 

Hopefully we will talk this weekend at some point and have a chance to sit down with each other. Until then, it really is pointless for me to be running through scenarios because I have no idea what he is going to say. Although, I do just have this gut feeling that he's not really going to come to a resolution with things until after June/July. We'll see...