kimba75 Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 My boyfriend of a year and a half and I got into a major fight (it was my fault, as I lied about being on the phone with my ex who I am NOT interested in, only friends) and he was so angry (drunk) he pushed/shoved me. I couldn't believe it happened and still can't. He did'nt hurt me, but he did in fact push me and it freaked me out. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Should I try to forget about it, or break up, or what? I'm really confused right now. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 Is this the first time he has ever done that? Even if you're just friends with your ex, you should know that is not going to go over well with your new relationship. Some things to consider. Is your relationship with your current b/f more important than hanging onto your ex as a friend...is this a pattern your current b/f might start to use if he gets upset at you for something...and how often is him getting drunk playing a role in his behavior.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author kimba75 Posted April 14, 2009 Author Share Posted April 14, 2009 Yes, this is the first time he's ever done that. I think me talking to my ex causes him to take to drinking. --I do know that it kills him for me to talk to my ex. My ex is my best friend (like family) and I try to keep it from him that we still talk. Well I got caught out the other day lying to him. I don't blame him for being mad. So I had my ex write an email to my boyfriend explaining that we are just friends, there is nothing going on, and that he knows I love the new boyfriend. I just want him to trust me again, and I've violated that by lying to him about not having talked to my ex. Stupid!! Anyway, does this justify him shoving and pushing me? I mean, what the hell? Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 If YOU know this bothers him, why would you continue to do it? No, it does not justify him pushing you.....he also needs to find another outlet or a new way to deal with things that bother him other than drinking. But you purposly talking to your ex and then lying about it is not good. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 I think the issues are much more than "he pushed me." You lied and are doing things that you know he does not like. He reacted in anger in an inappropriate way. You two need to resolve all of the above if you would like to continue together. It sounds like neither respect the other IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 My boyfriend of a year and a half and I got into a major fight (it was my fault, as I lied about being on the phone with my ex This statement, combined with the fact that you are still with him, convinces me you are not only a victim of abuse now - you've been victimized in the past, as well. Kimba, any healthy, self-respecting woman leaves the relationship the very moment her BF pushes, hits or touches her inappropriately. IMO, you need therapy to get out of the victim mode of thinking. First, leave the douche and start giving yourself some more respect, for Christ's sake. Link to post Share on other sites
slimjim Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 gee, i talk to my ex and he gets upset---WTF??? how dumb are you anyway? maybe he shouldnt have pushed you, but he was drunk. me, i would have opened the car door for you, preferably when i was doing 60 on an outside curve. but thats just me. amazes me how some og=f you people have no common sense when it comes to any sort of relationship. you KNOW right is right, or what might ne borderline, yet you do it and then wonder about why someone gets pissed off!!! sorry for the PO rant, hard day, but i just dont get it. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 This statement, combined with the fact that you are still with him, convinces me you are not only a victim of abuse now - you've been victimized in the past, as well. Kimba, any healthy, self-respecting woman leaves the relationship the very moment her BF pushes, hits or touches her inappropriately. IMO, you need therapy to get out of the victim mode of thinking. First, leave the douche and start giving yourself some more respect, for Christ's sake. Uh, I don't quite see this analysis. She talked with her ex. Her bf doesn't like it, so she lied about it. This caused the fight. However, this does not mean he can retaliate in any way he wants. And does that mean that any self-respecting guy or gal should leave a relationship if "touched inappropriately" or "pushed?" I don't think it is that simple of a definition. I agree that if there is hitting and violent pushing, then she should reconsider this relationship since SHE feels the necessity to lie about her friends. I do not see her as in the "victim mentality." I see her as actually being honest as to what caused his actions. The question is...is his reaction appropriate and could it lead to greater violence? This is what she needs to decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 I agree with kizik that any self-respecting woman would leave any man who uses physical force to vent his anger and/or frustration on her. Having said that, any self-respecting woman wouldn't hide conversations with exes or lie about them. Both of you have some growing up to do. The dynamics between the two of you, can only get more toxic. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 I agree with JamesM. She's not a victim and is just as much to blame as he is. He probably did it out of reaching a point of frustration, didn't know what else to do. Clearly, doing the right thing and communicating to her that talking to an ex-bf is unacceptable didn't work. She just hides it and lies about it. He should of just broken up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
firefight Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 I don't see why you shouldn't be able to talk to your ex, as long as these things were made clear right from the beginning. When I started dating my ex, I asked her straight out if she had any attachments to any ex's and she said no, but she is still friends with one. She even invited me to meet with him. I didn't see the need. I'm very secure with myself and was very secure in the relationship I had with her, and she never dissapointed me in this aspect. I think if you were friends with your ex, before you met the current guy, and you were straight with him about it, you aren't doing anything wrong as long as there really is no romantic feelings at all between you and your ex. But don't lie to him, if there is nothing to hide then don't hide anything. If the current boyfriend can't accept this then he is being insecure. As for him pushing you, well you know him. Does he exhibit other abusive traits? Is he controlling, possesive, does he display a lot of angry episodes over nothing? Some abusers make take longer to show thier true colours but there are usually tell tale signs early on. I think you should set your boundaries, and stick to them. Link to post Share on other sites
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