conehead Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 According to statistics, the rate of divorce for couples who live together first before marriage vs couples who get married before cohabitation is 50% higher. A main theory is that living together before marriage brings lower commitment into the marriage. What do you all think?
pinkberry Posted April 14, 2009 Posted April 14, 2009 According to statistics, the rate of divorce for couples who live together first before marriage vs couples who get married before cohabitation is 50% higher. A main theory is that living together before marriage brings lower commitment into the marriage. What do you all think? Well, having experienced something like this first-hard, never again will I agree to live with someone before an engagement and/or marriage. I was with my ex for 9 years, having lived together for 2 1/2. He was of the opinion that owning a home jointly is 'marriage enough' for him, and why do we need that 'silly piece of paper' to justify our relationship? It didn't matter to him that it was important to me. We could not agree on the issue. Needless to say, it became a HUGE bone of contention within our relationship and was one of the deciding factors when I left. We realize now that we were much better off NOT getting married simply because we're too different, and it most likely would've resulted in divorce anyway because there would always be that stigma of him only having married me because he felt 'forced' into it, and not of his own volition.
SoulSearch_CO Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I've heard that there's a difference in divorce stats if the intention of moving in together is different. If a couple moves in together with the intention of getting married, they're less likely to get divorced. But if they move in with the thought that they can split at anytime and THEN end up getting married, the stats hold true. My XH and I lived together before marriage. I know it didn't have anything to do with us getting divorced. I would try it again. But who knows - I also don't know if I ever want to get married again.
burningashes Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I moved in with my LTR ex of 7 years after being together for 2. It's beneficial to move in before marriage to see if you're compatible with your SO's life style and vice versa. Although if you want to get married, it should be discussed before moving in etc, so that you two are on the same page in regards to marriage. I would do this again, even if my ex and I broke up and I had to move out, it was a good experience in general.
Sam Spade Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I don't think it matters this much. I lived with my ex for 3 years, and things went into the crapper anyway, and my current gf is pretty traditional so living together before marriage is probably out of the question. I don't think it mattes, simply because we're adults - there are common sense things that people should or should not do when they live with somebody else, and you certainly don't need a "try-out" period to figure them out. Unless you've been raised by wolves (or baby boomer parents). A weeklokg vacation is a tryout enough. So it boils down to how committed the couple is, the fact of living together has not much direct influence, IMO.
Chicago_Guy Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I wouldn't live with a girl unless I was at least engaged to her. If I liked a girl enough to live with her, we might as well get married.
samspade Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Personally, I won't give up that much independence until I'm engaged and/or married.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Having lived with 2 boyfriends now I can say that I'm not opposed to it as long as both couples move in for the same reason and there is mutual agreement about why they are doing so. I think some people say "testing the waters" is a bad thing but I really don't think it is. I saved myself from a divorce with the first boyfriend I lived with. The only thing my current boyfriend and I learned was that we disagree/argue over cleaning..we already knew that though! Having said that though, you need to be on the same page about your relationship prior to moving in together. It's saves you from a lot of arguments and hurt feelings.
Star Gazer Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I've heard that there's a difference in divorce stats if the intention of moving in together is different. If a couple moves in together with the intention of getting married, they're less likely to get divorced. But if they move in with the thought that they can split at anytime and THEN end up getting married, the stats hold true. Agreed. If living together were a test of marital compatibility, the statistics should show opposite results -- couples living together should have stronger marriages. But they don't. They have weaker marriages. It's a matter of commitment to the relationship. The statistics show that if one or both people in the relationship moves in together as a "test," that the couple is in fact much more likely to get divorced. However, if the couple moves in with a strong commitment and knowing that marriage is in the cards, they are more likely to survive. Marriage is an agreement that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. You will stick it out together through thick and thin. But the commitment of living together isn't like that at all. It is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. "As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around." Habits are hard to break, and couples that live together before marriage get into the habit of following their month-to-month rental agreement. In fact, they often decide to marry, not because they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to each other, but because the arrangement has worked out so well that they can't imagine breaking their lease, so to speak. Couples who live together before marriage may say the words of the marital agreement, but they still have the terms of their rental agreement in their mind and heart. This is what leads to divorce. Couples who have not lived together before marriage, on the other hand, have not lived under the terms of the month-to-month rental agreement. They begin their relationship assuming that they are in this thing for life, and all their habits usually reflect that commitment.
Star Gazer Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Having lived with 2 boyfriends now I can say that I'm not opposed to it as long as both couples move in for the same reason and there is mutual agreement about why they are doing so. I think some people say "testing the waters" is a bad thing but I really don't think it is. I saved myself from a divorce with the first boyfriend I lived with. The only thing my current boyfriend and I learned was that we disagree/argue over cleaning..we already knew that though! Having said that though, you need to be on the same page about your relationship prior to moving in together. It's saves you from a lot of arguments and hurt feelings. You really didn't answer the OP. Statistics don't lie. Living together prior to marriage means you're more likely to divorcethan couples who didn't live together prior to marriage. So, while you may be successful in getting your BF to propose to you, your chances of really making it for the long haul aren't very good, particularly because both of you (or at the very least, your BF) went into your living arrangement to "test the waters." He may say the vows, but as I said above, his "test the waters" and "rental agreement" mentality will remain. He's more likely to bail than someone who entered the marriage without that "test" mentality.
fral945 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I don't doubt the statistics. The better question, however, should be whether the relationships that develop into marriage from cohabiting are better or worse than those without, and not whether or not they turn into marriage. I personally think my chances for developing a quality relationship are higher by living with someone before marriage. I could care less whether or not my chances of marriage are higher or lower. Being married itself is not the best gauge of a good relationship.
Art_Critic Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 You really didn't answer the OP. Statistics don't lie. Living together prior to marriage means you're more likely to divorcethan couples who didn't live together prior to marriage. While the statistics may not lie they are also not a predictor of the future in something as unpredictable as a couples personal relationship. I didn't live one single day or do a sleep over with my first wife until after we were married and came back from the honeymoon and we still got divorced after 5 years. I also lived with another girl for 4 years and was engaged for 1 year of that and we broke up and never got married... so I guess the same result.. There have been others that I have lived as well throughout my life and personally I don't think it matters which way you want to do it.. One thing you cannot control in a relationship is the other person....
Star Gazer Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 AC, I agree with you to an extent. I really think it's all about WHY you move in together. Is it because you WANT to be together? Or is it to "test the waters"? That, to me, is the deciding factor for long term success.
refurb Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I think the statistics you mentioned are misleading. Sure you have a higher chance of divorce if you live together first, but its not a cause and effect. My opinion is that people who live together before they get married tend to be the same people who treat marriage more casually (don't crucify me, I didn't say everyone). The people who don't live together before getting married tend to be the religious types who consider marriage for good or bad. Divorce is not an option. At any rate, I don't think it matters much one way or the other. You can get a good sense of compatibility without ever living together. RF
Enema Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 Very hard thing to get accurate stats on. ie. The type of person that doesn't live with their partner prior to marriage is probably a "traditional" person that is naturally less likely to divorce. Doesn't mean they're happily married.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 I think the statistics you mentioned are misleading. Sure you have a higher chance of divorce if you live together first, but its not a cause and effect. My opinion is that people who live together before they get married tend to be the same people who treat marriage more casually (don't crucify me, I didn't say everyone). The people who don't live together before getting married tend to be the religious types who consider marriage for good or bad. Divorce is not an option. At any rate, I don't think it matters much one way or the other. You can get a good sense of compatibility without ever living together. RF I think people get divorced because they stop working at their relationship. It doesn't matter one way or another whether someone lives together before marriage, for how long, why they do, ect. Couples who move in to test their relationship get divorced, couples who move in because they want to get married can get divorced, couples who never live together can get divorced. Anybody can for the same exact reason: you aren't committed to your relationship anymore.
Lizzie60 Posted April 15, 2009 Posted April 15, 2009 According to statistics, the rate of divorce for couples who live together first before marriage vs couples who get married before cohabitation is 50% higher. A main theory is that living together before marriage brings lower commitment into the marriage. What do you all think? Could you post anything that can back up your stats.. I'm not so sure about that statement. I think most marriage (and common-law relationship) will end up in divorce/separation. Life has changed.. we live in a disposable society.. and partnership/relationships are also disposable. We'll never go back to where we were 50 years ago.. thank gawd.
Author conehead Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 I think people get divorced because they stop working at their relationship. It doesn't matter one way or another whether someone lives together before marriage, for how long, why they do, ect. Couples who move in to test their relationship get divorced, couples who move in because they want to get married can get divorced, couples who never live together can get divorced. Anybody can for the same exact reason: you aren't committed to your relationship anymore. I think what SG said was interesting. It seems that alot of people move in together to 'test the waters' and when they get married they still carry that 'test the waters' mentality in their marriage.
Author conehead Posted April 15, 2009 Author Posted April 15, 2009 Could you post anything that can back up your stats.. I'm not so sure about that statement. I think most marriage (and common-law relationship) will end up in divorce/separation. Life has changed.. we live in a disposable society.. and partnership/relationships are also disposable. We'll never go back to where we were 50 years ago.. thank gawd. Check out this link http://marriage.rutgers.edu/ and go to where it says "cohabitation, marriage, etc' section...some cool stuff there
Trialbyfire Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 AC, I agree with you to an extent. I really think it's all about WHY you move in together. Is it because you WANT to be together? Or is it to "test the waters"? That, to me, is the deciding factor for long term success. This is an interesting theory, one that's never crossed my mind. If you're "testing the waters", there's already uncertainty whether one or both parties, are who you want to consider spending your life with. This is a different mindset, than people who don't believe in marriage but cohabitate. In testing the waters, you in essence hold the other person hostage for good behaviour, "or else I can't marry you". Wow, that's pretty insightful and nuanced.
Star Gazer Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I think what SG said was interesting. It seems that alot of people move in together to 'test the waters' and when they get married they still carry that 'test the waters' mentality in their marriage. I totally believe that's the case. Using LB's BF as an example, he clearly entered the living arrangement to "test the waters," and has gone as far as to tell her that she'll be a "bad wife." LB has always been on eggshells in that relationship, thinking she needs to "prove" herself to her BF to get him to want to and actually follow through with marrying her. Their relationship is a "rental" relationship, just like the status of the lease on their apartment. If one of them pisses the other off, or doens't "prove themselves," they're outta there. There's intention right now to have a permanent commitment. Thus, because he has the "test the waters" mentality now, that mentality WILL be carried forward into the marriage. He will ALWAYS be testing the waters, and LB will forever be fearful that he'll cut and run. Why? Because as Refurb pointed out, people who live together before marriage DO treat marriage more casually than those who live together after marriage (or after engagement).
Star Gazer Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 This is an interesting theory, one that's never crossed my mind. If you're "testing the waters", there's already uncertainty whether one or both parties, are who you want to consider spending your life with. This is a different mindset, than people who don't believe in marriage but cohabitate. Precisely. Those who don't believe in marriage, but cohabitate, or those who have committed to marry one another (engagement) and then move in together to begin the process of building a home, are in an entirely different relationship than those who are "testing the waters," as the former have committed to building a life with the other person. On the other hand, those who are "testing the waters" are, like you said, holding the other person hostage for good behavior. The individuals in those relationships are rarely truly happy, as they're never truly free to be 100% authentically themselves because they're trying to keep the waters calm to "keep" the other person around.
Star Gazer Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 There's intention right now to have a permanent commitment. ACK! I meant to say There's NO intention right now to have a permanent commitment.
allina Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Using LB's BF as an example, he clearly entered the living arrangement to "test the waters," and has gone as far as to tell her that she'll be a "bad wife." LB has always been on eggshells in that relationship, thinking she needs to "prove" herself to her BF to get him to want to and actually follow through with marrying her. Their relationship is a "rental" relationship, just like the status of the lease on their apartment. If one of them pisses the other off, or doens't "prove themselves," they're outta there. It's annoying how you take every possible opportunity to insult LB's relationship As for the original post, what do you mean by good or bad? Do you mean does it lead to happy marriages? I'm not a bit fan of the statistics you posted because I feel like they fail to account for many variables. Couples that live together before marriage tend to be more liberal and modern and not oppose divorce. While a traditional couple who doesn't live together before marriage may not end an unhappy marriage due to religious/cultural stigma. Education and money are also issues that aren't factored in with these surveys. You have to remember that it's not as black and white as this leads to a lasting marriage and this does not. And a marriage that doesn't end in divorce isn't necessarily a healthy or happy one. I should also mention that I live with my bf. He's the first bf I have ever lived with and I'm thrilled to be living with him. We're solid and have a secure future together. However I do think it's odd to see people my age (25) moving in with every person they have a relationship with.
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