Abusive and mean boyfriend. Why??

[sarah]

Hello

 

I am just wondering whether you have any thoughts on my Ex-boyfriend's behaviour.

 

I was with my Ex-boyfriend for six years until I finally left him one year ago.

 

I met him when I was twenty years old (very young) and travelling abroad. I fell in love so much but unfortunately had a plane to catch that would take me back home. Anyway, we spent 4 great days together and then had to say goodbye. I didn't really hear from him until one year later when he told me he was coming to Europe for work and that we should meet up, which we did. We were both thrilled about it.

 

Well, we still didn't live in the same country but saw each other pretty much every weekend for two years until he decided to move to my country.

 

The relationship looked as follows: he twotimed me 4 times (among others with a college "friend" of mine, his secretary etc). He abused me to the worst verbally and even hit me a few times, he insulted me in front of my friends and insulted them.

 

Everybody (even some of his friends) were always on my side saying what a nutter he was and that I should leave. Fact is, that they only saw the ice-berg of it all. Had they known how bad he really was, he would have probably got beaten up at some point.

 

I always kept silent about our problems as I would have felt embarassed to let anyone know what a crappy relationship we were having.

 

Anyway, I could go on and on. But my question is: he seemed to have really hated me (at least through his behaviour), but really wanted to stay around, never dumping me or whatever. He seemed to need me and in some funny ways adore me (that's what he often said)

 

When I broke up, he wrote emails to all my relatives saying what a bitch I was etc. Friends told me that they had never seen him so upset, sad and depressed?

 

Why would he treat someone he obviously needs so mean?

 

I can say, that I really got over him and don't want him back but am just interested why he behaved so bad through all those years.

 

I don't think it was his upbringing as his family is absolutely lovely and always provided him with whatever he needed (love, support, lots of money, time)

 

your thoughts on this?

[MercyRose]

I've been thinking about this lately, and funnily enough today I came to the conclusion that verbally/emotionally/physically abusive people want to make you feel down and unworthy because they feel unworthy themselves.

 

Its a way of putting you down saying 'you are really not good enough are you,' but what they are really saying is 'I think you are better than me and I will make you feel worthless too before you discover how worthless I am and leave me. That way you will stick around and not go if I keep you believing you are worthless and make you feel that you don't deserve any better.'

 

Probably also 'I resent/hate you for being more worthy than me. I hate myself for being so worthless.'

 

Just my opinion. I am sure there is a lot more to be added.

[sarah]

Hi Mercy Rose

 

I think that you are right and I remember a few things my boyfriend said, like:"damn, why do my friends like you so much?! If only they knew how you really were!" He was constantly telling bad things about me. But every now and then he came home, telling me how low he felt etc.

 

He was also the nicest to me whenever I failed in something or life wasn't going well. He just hated me being successful.

 

Absolutely whenever I came home happy and smiling, he would say something really nasty and completely out of the blue! I never understood why he did that? My birthdays, graduation day etc. were special targets.

 

Strange huh?

[moimeme]

I think they think that the woman will take away their pain (usually abusive people have themselves been abused) and, when the pain is still there, they 'blame' her subconsciously. I also think they suffer from generalized anger but since our brains tend to look for reasons, their brains assess whatever situation exists in the house as the reason for their anger and then they direct their wrath at that.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Hi there,

 

I only recently got out of a real abusive relationship. Let me tell you my story. I was with him over 5 years we met when we were 20. As I am asian I kept him a secret and after a couple of years I told my parents. Soon after my Dad passed away suddenly, soon after that we started having problems, then I left him. The hardest thing was that we bought a house together round the corner from my mothers house and we bought a nice new car and when I left him I left all of that as well.

 

All the way through he was extremely abusive calling me a bitch, dog ,slapper, whore, you think of it he called me it. He really made me feel depressed about myself and I can’t believe that I allowed him to make me feel that way. As you I didn’t tell anyone because I was so embarrassed but I did really love him because of the sweet times. I don’t know for sure but my heart tells me that he has also been unfaithful. The thing is a year later he still tries to contact me and get me back but that is never going to happen.

 

After losing my dad and coping with his abuse he has also told me that he will kill me, he is glad my dad is dead and so much more. But anyway after losing my dad I couldn’t cope I put on soo much weight I was turning into a uk size 14 since leaving him I have concerntrated on the gym and am a size 8 – 10 now.

 

After the verbal abuse which it definitely was as I have attending counselling, it turned into physical abuse as he thought he had the right to slap me three times and it was my fault.

 

Basicly I wish I got rid of him ages ago, when I first got that feeling inmy gut that he isn’t treating me right I should have told him to piss off. You live and learn though don’t you.

 

He treated me so badly and I felt as though a little more of a push I would have tried to kill myself or done something silly as I was also on anti-depressants. But I have realised now that I’m a beautiful person and all he wanted to do was put me down, to make himself feel better and he is an abuser.

 

There is no reason why people behave this way but the world is full of many nasty people and I have learnt and am sharing this with you so you can do the same, is love your self so so much that nobody ever treats you like that. You have to love yourself because if you don’t you won’t get treated right or respected!

 

I feel for you and your questions.

[ziggue]

I think I just escaped a relationship with my ex that could've ended up abusive like a year ago.

 

Everytime we went out with my friends he would get so uptight and at the end of the night start yelling at me for no reason. We would have fights right outside the club for no reason. I would get really upset, have enough and dump him and then he would have to find his way back home himself.

 

I gave him a couple of chances after that but it was always the same He always thought I was getting with other guys behind his back too and that I couldn't live without my friends. I only go out every couple of weekends and only see my friends every now and then. I would never cheat if I was with anybody either. Girls can say no to guys. Even if they are single.

 

It ended on my friends 21st birthday last year. I didn't want him to feel insecure so I hung around him a lot at the start of the night. When I gave him a hug and went off to talk to one of my friends at one time he said are you trying to tease me? Really angrily and I thought I was only hugging you and gave you a quick kiss.

 

When we got outside the yelling started. My friend. The one having the birthday was trying to calm things down and so was I. I didn't know what was wrong. It just got the guy even more pissed off. Her brothers didn't like the way he was treating me and a big brawl started. I ran inside crying and avoiding the fight. I could hear my friend having a go at everyone outside as well. I felt so bad because it was her party. In the morning she said that was one birthday she won't forget. We are still friends by the way. A couple of my other friends were comforting me inside. We were all comforting eachother. The guy ended up leaving and that was the end of that relationship.

 

I left because I hated they way I was being put down for no reason. The guy had a pretty bad rep around the area too. I even got warned by a couple of people about him. His ex even ran out on him while he was at work with his two kids who he hadn't seen in two years so there must have been something even worse going on there.

 

I'm glad I got out before things could've gotten worse. I think the guy just took everything out on my because he had a rough life. Losing his mum when she was young, losing his own kids having an abusive father as well.

 

He should have never taken out his anger out on me though. That guy had problems that I couldn't deal with.

 

I wonder where all the good guys are that don't have any bagage. I am still single now but it's really hard too find a guy worth having a relationship with now a days. If there is any nice guys out there. Where are they all?!

[LikkleMissConfused]

Hey there,

 

I agree. Where are all the good guys gone the ones worth having a relationship with. I my case I have a senior position in a repuatable UK University, good salary, nice car, nice personality and am genuine, so why is it the=a we get mistreated.

 

I don't have any answers to these questions but one thing I know is look after yourself and never go for second best ever.

 

Take care and just pray for yourself and me please LOL