Trying to help Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 Where to begin, I have an estranged girlfriend, for lack of a better term. We have been dating for 5 months. I'm a bit older than her and know what I want out of relationships. We went from her telling her parents and best friends that I am the one (for marrying) to not wanting to be with me at all for no real reason. I am not a psych, but I think she may be going through severe depression. I really want to help her even if it means that she might end up hating me in the long run cause she can be such a wonderful person. I truely love her with all my heart and soul. One day, out of the blue she goes I need space. Which I give her, then she comes back to me...then it happens again. (this all in month 5) She loves me more than any person in her life, but she doesn't want to be physical right now and she doesn't know why. She can't sleep for crying about it and she wants a break from us. She was abused as a child and she vary rarely even speeks about High School, when she does, it's always in passing and she clams up about it. Her parents left her in another city at 19 without real warning and she had to fend for herself. Her mom is more of a friend that a parent. So I can understand where the lack of structure in her life has been. Emotionally she acts like a teenager, eventhough at 27 she should be more wise now. Here is a list of what has been going on even while we are dating, some of this even went on before we were dating (her friends have told me): Always tired most of the time, never feels rested unless she takes medicine. Self abosorbed Obsessive behavior with friends (either goes overboard spending time with them or almost never talks to them, seems to "fall off the face of the earth for months"- in their words) Extermely moody Goes from doing nothing at all to all of a sudden bursts of wanting to stay out late and party. Impulsive shopping for no reason (buys odd food for example, why she buying it? dunno, I might eat it, might not, etc) Very affectionate to never affectionate. Puts most of her energy into a job she really doesn't like. Emotional shutdown - sulks a bunch, doesn't talk when she's upset, runs from problems Very negative with most things (hard to see the good things in life) Most men (I am the one exception) she has been friends first (for 6 months or more) then started dating (for a month or two) then got physical. Then breaks up with them for no real reason. (her friends tell me this) Sexual problems (sore sometimes for no real reason even when she wants to have sex and anemic as well) I'm sure there are other things, but this is just what I remember. She wants to be with me but at the same time she doesn't. Wants me to wait on her while she figures things out but at the same time doesn't expect me to. I truely love her for the wonderful person she can be, but she really needs help. As hard as it is for me, I'm being just a friend for her even though I love her dearly and would marry her tomorrow, but I can't handle these swings and nothing will come of our relationship until she gets some help. Any thoughts on how I can get her some help? What should I do besides saying I'm here for her and I'll stand by her etc?!? Thanks, Love struck but trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
tphillip Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 A person cannot be helped unless they want it. IMO your girlfriend should be seeing a qualified therapist and psychiatrist to determine what kind of treatment would work best. Whether she needs therapy and/or drugs is not something that you are I are qualified to determine. How you broach the subject with her is something you'll have to figure out for yourself unfortunately, since you are the one who is able to see here face to face. However you cannot force her to get help. If she refuses your help and doesn't want to try any treatments then your part is done. If she does decide to go for treatment, you will need to be supportive. It's not easy helping those who need a lot of help. It's impossible to help those who don't want to be helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Posted November 13, 2003 Share Posted November 13, 2003 Well now. Full marks to you for wanting to help her, but until she wants to help herself, there's nothing you or anyone else can do. My guess is she has never fully talked about her experiences, and until she gets professional and sensitive counselling, she never will. Her behaviour certainly sounds like that of a troubled person, and what ever happened to her has left a deep emotional scar, demons, evils, that she finds impossible to focus on, let alone discuss. If you are as caring as you sound, then be there as a friend as well as someone who wants a normal every day relationship. Good luck, and I hope she will find peace some day and have a happy life with you. Link to post Share on other sites
heymoeitsmecurly Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 it may be depression but it also could mean other drugs are involved and one night stands--now i am just specualting on this but depression is consistant not mood swings. meth and cocain however will create the same effects as depression when the person does not have the drug of choice. i am a dpressant recipient myself so i can share some of the depression part--she will not be on a so called high one minute and the down the next--it's always a down and it gets lower--thats why they call it depression--it gets low as suicide. drugas on the other hand will depress her if she doesn't have them--and yes she wants to be with you she loves you--but she is trying to figure out what she needs more--you or them--granted her self esteem is very low and the drugs make her feel better about herself==when she is up you are important--when she doesn't have them she wants no one around because she feels worthless again--thats where even her friends come and go in her life. now this is just my opinion but she needs more help the antidepressants. Link to post Share on other sites
heymoeitsmecurly Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 my hat is off to you for tryinmg to help her--you must love her very much--good luck she needs professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
trying to help Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 She doesn't do drugs at all and she really dislikes people who do. She's not even that big of a drinker. Just to clarify some things. - Love struck and wanting to help... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 All you can do is tell her you're worried about her (if you have a few good examples of potentially self-destructive behaviour to cite, so much the better) and ask her to see a physician. It could be any one of many things, including bipolar disorder, but only a professional can figure that out for her. Link to post Share on other sites
lilvoyce7321 Posted February 6, 2004 Share Posted February 6, 2004 There is a book out there called the Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women that Have Gone through Sexual Abuse. Trying going to your local library. It is a wonderful guide. You can even read this with her. The book is ment to be read slowly over a period of time. I am not sure how I even found this web-site ...lol...but here in florida they also have support groups called Incest Survivors Anon, as well as rape support groups. The most important thing to realize is that it is not her fault, it is not your fault, and these issues have to be dealt with in order for her to survive the abuse. As her partner you must understand all you can about a survivors issues. Even if she doesn't read this book, it would be great for you to read too. There are all sorts of women from all walks on the planet. They are amazing, and they tell their story. ****I AM A SURVIVOR******* Feel free to ask me anything. I am not ashamed. I am a proud mother and wife who has been a victim and now I stand tall.....I am free from my denial, and the pain. This did not happen over night. I survived this on my own. Bless you for trying to help her. First get educated, then get tough. -barbara Link to post Share on other sites
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