Need advice on friendships

[Somewhat Damaged]

I have lived hard times lately (See my previous post) but i'm recovering. Right now, I feel so confident that I think it's time to make a big cleanup in my life.

 

I have a lot of friends, but I consider to have only 4 real good friends but I didn't like the way they acted recently and I wonder if I should take my distances.

 

As said in my previous story, one of them (we will call him John) is going to the prom with a girl that I loved (it's all past, I think) to death. Well, I understand that she is free to do go with whoever she wants so is my friend. It's not the problem (ok i'm a little bit pissed but I guess it's normal). The problem is that today John told me he's going to f*** her, btw he knows everything about my story, I think it was a huge lack of respect from him. I was like (in my head) "Could you please talk about it with someone else??? You know how I loved her!!!". A while ago, his first girlfriend broke up with him, she was a cute girl. She wanted to date me, I refused because I think that you shouldn't mess with your friend's ex-girlfriend. She was a slut anyway...

 

My question is : It is me or that kind of attitude is just intolerable? Maybe i'm asking too much?

 

Also, i'm looking for a job, I gived applications to almost everybody. I know from John that there's job that's going to be available in one week. I applied here two weeks ago, so my chances are good. What's the problem you'll ask? He also told another friend that we will call Mark. Mark has more work experience than I do and he said he would take his chance here. I said (louder this time) "Well, if you get the job I'll slap you in the face, ok?", we both laughted. I feel like he's stealing something to me... Maybe I am expecting too much of my friend?? Again I would have never do that to one of my friend but maybe my Jesus Christ attitude is dated?

 

So, are they bad to do this or it's me that has a problem? It is okay to feel like I do? Should I take my distances?

 

Thanks for the advice

[billy the kid- not really a kid!!]

you are in for a lot more hard times if you keep this attitude... I am an ex- marine and when I came out of the service every one wanted to better me.. well just cuz I was a didn't mean that I was great at every thing.. ok?so what do you do???? well you pick what ever it is you want to do and go to the closest libary and check it out on the net and books, you find out how to be the best at what you want to be, then you work your ass off at being the best and if your not you either change your dream or except the fact that someone will allways be better.. but never stop trying to be the best at what ever you try..

I have lived hard times lately (See my previous post) but i'm recovering. Right now, I feel so confident that I think it's time to make a big cleanup in my life. I have a lot of friends, but I consider to have only 4 real good friends but I didn't like the way they acted recently and I wonder if I should take my distances. As said in my previous story, one of them (we will call him John) is going to the prom with a girl that I loved (it's all past, I think) to death. Well, I understand that she is free to do go with whoever she wants so is my friend. It's not the problem (ok i'm a little bit pissed but I guess it's normal). The problem is that today John told me he's going to f*** her, btw he knows everything about my story, I think it was a huge lack of respect from him. I was like (in my head) "Could you please talk about it with someone else??? You know how I loved her!!!". A while ago, his first girlfriend broke up with him, she was a cute girl. She wanted to date me, I refused because I think that you shouldn't mess with your friend's ex-girlfriend. She was a slut anyway... My question is : It is me or that kind of attitude is just intolerable? Maybe i'm asking too much? Also, i'm looking for a job, I gived applications to almost everybody. I know from John that there's job that's going to be available in one week. I applied here two weeks ago, so my chances are good. What's the problem you'll ask? He also told another friend that we will call Mark. Mark has more work experience than I do and he said he would take his chance here. I said (louder this time) "Well, if you get the job I'll slap you in the face, ok?", we both laughted. I feel like he's stealing something to me... Maybe I am expecting too much of my friend?? Again I would have never do that to one of my friend but maybe my Jesus Christ attitude is dated? So, are they bad to do this or it's me that has a problem? It is okay to feel like I do? Should I take my distances? Thanks for the advice

[D.]

Dear Need, I read your previous post and this one as well. You know, in life, you will find leaders and followers and some that can do both. From what you write, you fall into the "follower" catagory. That is not a bad thing unless it causes you harm to yourself emotionally, physically, ethically or morally. In your case, you have harmed yourself emotionally, ethically and morally AND almost physically.

 

You allowed this Anne person to walk all over you because of your unrequited (unreturned) love for her to the extent that you took the blame for drugs that she left at your place ... that is ethical, moral and legal harm you did to yourself. She did not do it to you ... you allowed it.

 

You did not distance yourself from her emotionally when she let it be known she only wanted to be friends with you, that she liked your best friend and when you told her how you really felt about her and she told you you should "kill yourself" you STILL felt "love" for her. First of all, no one can really "love" someone that says that to him and puts him though all she has put you through. You have an unhealthy emotional attachment to her. My guess is fear of abandonment. But here is the flash ..... SHE WAS NEVER THERE FOR YOU TO ABANDON YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!

 

Not only did you allow your grades to suffer and obsess about her so much that you had at least one nightmare about her being hit by a bus and killed, you also went so far as to almost take a knife to yourself over her.

 

So now she is going to go to the prom with a friend because SHE asked HIM and this guy has made it clear that he wants to "do" her. That is THEIR business. If she wants to she will, if she doesn't want to she won't.

 

You have found new friends and wonder about 4 of them that you don't like ....... if you should distance yourself from them. What the heck is there to wonder? Hell yes! If new aquaintances are behaving in a fashion that you do not approve or feel comfortable around ..... RUN! Run very, very fast in the opposite direction and pick up some new friends on your way.

 

Listen and listen good. I realize this letter is blunt and to the point, but you need a real wake up call. For example, your friend who told you about the new job you applied for also told another friend. That is his right to do that .... to give both his friends the same opportunity (you and the other dude). He did not betray you. He was giving you the same chance as his other friend.

 

As far as you other friend telling you that he is going to try and "do" Annie after the prom, how is that betraying you? Maybe he knows you have feelings for her, but he also knows that she has NO FEELINGS for you whatsoever. He was only sharing his feelings with you and you had every opportunity to tell him that you did not want to hear it.

 

What it boils down to is this: Stop trying to control the way others think, feel and behave as it will only lead to frustration for YOU! Concentrate more on your own emotions and seek avenues for feeling and expression yourself in a healthier, more appropriate fashion. The way you are going now, you will only frustrate the heck out of yourself trying to get everyone else to conform to what YOU feel is right.

 

People are going to behave the way they are going to behave no matter what your feelings are in the matter ... this is something you MUST learn to accept and deal with. Start working more on the way YOU choose (and it IS a choice!) to perceive other's behavior .... perceive it in a healtier happier way for yourself and remember you cannot control them. But you CAN control your thoughts and opinions about their behavior. You can also control whether you want to stay and listen to them or tell them you don't want to hear it and walk away. You have a LOT of choices. Start making them.

 

Not all these changes will take place overnight and you may require some professional help in obtaining the proper tools to assist you. Do whatever it takes as your head is not in a very comfortable space right now and you also may be suffering low self esteem by still hanging out with those that cause you so much pain just because you still want them to like you.

 

Sorry for the length of this letter, but I wanted to be as thorough as possible.

 

Keep your chin up. There is hope! Best of luck to you!

[Tony T]

You are a bit of an unusual problem. Morality, ethics, consideration, respect, etc. are sort of rare these days, especially among younger people. The vast majority of people in general do whatever they have to do to get what they want. Many of the schrewd ones make it look like they are out for a win-win situation, but the are really for themselves.

 

Stick to your principals but don't expect others to be like you. Don't expect ladies to be principled either. Some of them are but a lot of them aren't. Many friends, male and female, will abuse you, use you and leave you. A small handful will be there for you through good times and bad and treat you fairly and with sensitivity.

 

We live in an age when your very best friend can stab you in the back...because they only pretended to be your very best friend when it serves their purpose at the time. When that purpose is served, they move on without notice.

 

This is stuff you should have learned from your parents.

 

There are some really great people in this world, don't get me wrong. But if you find just a couple of really true great friends in your life, you are doing good. The others are acquaintances and you should see them that way.

 

When you are younger, there is a tendency to consider more people friends. That's because there's lots in common (school, activities, sports, etc.) But when you get a bit older, you start seeing people more for what they are. As you leave high school, then college, the move through your 20s and 30s, the number of people you associate with will dwindle. That's because the amount of crap you take from life becomes less and less.

 

The types of things that have happened to you happen so frequently, it seems they are a part of life, although it saddens me to come to that realization.

 

The very best attitude to take is to be friendly and when anyone, male or female, ceases to treat you with the respect and consideration you feel you deserve after you have given them fair warning, dump them...get rid of them...press the delete button...and get them out of your life.

 

There is no such thing as good or bad people. Only good or bad behavior. People can exhibit decent behavior most of the time but sock it to you real hard all of a sudden. You have to use your own good judgement as to which ones you want to trust and keep in your life and which ones you don't.

 

John is certainly NOT your friend. Write him off without explanation. He deserves no more of your time. Keep your principles and don't change for anybody. Maybe John will get is socked to him one day and grow up. He could change in the future but that's not your concern now. Currently, he is a first class butthole.

 

Life is a lesson we learn more of every single day.

[Somewhat Damaged]

As for Annie, you are 110% right! But I knew what you said about her for months, when I realized that she wasn't even a good friend I got out of my depression. Thanks anyway.

 

Also, you have to know that english isn't my native langage so sometimes it's hard to explain correctly what I feel. As for the leader/follower issue, I am proud to say that i'm a natural leader. I am the kind of guy that tryes to control everything, so i'm more a "control freak" than a follower.

 

Want exemples? When a politian came to my sister's school (Where I live we call this kind of school Cegep, it's between the high school and university) he was doing a conference about mondialisation, I am against it (ok I won't start a political debate here). I didn't have any fear to express my (really strong) opinions in front of 150 person that I didn't even knew. I did the same thing when I was 14 in my religion classes, the whole class followed me out of the class. I got kicked out of school... I didn't change my opinion/attitude even if everyone who has autority in the school was against me . I also used to do theater, at the time I was always having a "Standing Ovation" (not sure of the spelling) and finally when people ask questions like "what could we do tonight?" i'm always the one who answers. I could give exemples like that for hours... The guy that you know from my very first post (the one about Annie) isn't the guy that is responding to you right now. I feel like I taked 10 years of maturity in 6 months. Right now, I don't really care about Annie, I don't care if she getting laid or not, it's not my business, it's all past to me. In fact I thank god everyday for what happened, I learned so much... Now, my self-esteem is HIGH, much more than it has been in years! That's why I feel it's the time to clean things up, I don't feel like I need anything from anybody.

 

So here comes the dillema : who I am going to keep and who I am going to trash? Let's take John for exemple, seriously he has been my closest friend when I was in the hard times, he was very caring. We have been friends for 2 years, until recently he was like a brother to me, we were always together. But it seems that the more I feel good, the more he tryes to lower me by saying things like "you're thin and hairy" or "you'll sink this course". That's not the John I know, something is happening to him but I don't know what...

 

I just wanted to know if going out with someone that your friend loved is okay for most people? Do real friends should tell it when they want to f*** somebody that they knew you loved? To me it isn't but to me capitalist isn't also okay. I don't think that I should live in a igloo just because I don't like our society, I'd rather try to change it. Sometimes I just feel like I have more principles than the pope himself!

 

What I want is simply a yes or a no, I don't want to hear anything about Annie or my self-esteem, for me they are past fixed issues.

 

And as for the job story, it's okay, I think that I was angry for nothing.

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear enough... and thanks for the advice

[D.]

Dear Need, I apologize for my misunderstanding of your personality. It definately looks like you ARE leader material. You have done far more in that area with your debates and talks in front of your school than most could ever dream of doing. Kudos to you for that!

 

As for John, it was a rotten thing for him to tell you that he wanted to "do" Annie knowing how you feel. No doubt about that. Regarding him telling you things like "you're thin and hairy", "you'll sink this course", I would normally ask if you are sure he is not teasing you. But you have said that he has changed and never used to be like that.

 

People do change, sometimes not for the better. I realize you have been best friends with him for quite some time, however now may be a good time to distance yourself and find another friend ..... one who will be supportive to you, care about your feelings and not feel that he is in competition with you. Now, it is just a wild guess that John may have been listening to Annie and she may be telling him things that would cause him to behave toward you this way. If that is the case, you certainly don't need a guy friend who would choose her over you instead of addition to you. If this is NOT the case, he still has changed for some reason and you deserve so much better.

 

I say to keep doing just what you are doing at the present by looking for different friends, weeding out the bad from the good and hopefully connecting with another best guy friend that will offer to you what you so genuinely, freely and honestly offer to him.

 

Also, I hope and pray you will find a girl who is deserving of your attentions as you really sound like the kind of guy I would love to have known several years ago myself (I am female). You are a REAL catch and don't you forget it!

 

Best of luck and please keep me posted!

[Somewhat Damaged]

Wow! Exactly the kind of advice I wanted to hear, thank you!

 

And as for this polititian, well he is one of the most important of the Federal Parlement of Canada but between you and me, he's a total a**h***! (they wanted me to join their party after my intervention, I said no way! I fight for poor people, not business!)

Dear Need, I apologize for my misunderstanding of your personality. It definately looks like you ARE leader material. You have done far more in that area with your debates and talks in front of your school than most could ever dream of doing. Kudos to you for that! As for John, it was a rotten thing for him to tell you that he wanted to "do" Annie knowing how you feel. No doubt about that. Regarding him telling you things like "you're thin and hairy", "you'll sink this course", I would normally ask if you are sure he is not teasing you. But you have said that he has changed and never used to be like that. People do change, sometimes not for the better. I realize you have been best friends with him for quite some time, however now may be a good time to distance yourself and find another friend ..... one who will be supportive to you, care about your feelings and not feel that he is in competition with you. Now, it is just a wild guess that John may have been listening to Annie and she may be telling him things that would cause him to behave toward you this way. If that is the case, you certainly don't need a guy friend who would choose her over you instead of addition to you. If this is NOT the case, he still has changed for some reason and you deserve so much better. I say to keep doing just what you are doing at the present by looking for different friends, weeding out the bad from the good and hopefully connecting with another best guy friend that will offer to you what you so genuinely, freely and honestly offer to him. Also, I hope and pray you will find a girl who is deserving of your attentions as you really sound like the kind of guy I would love to have known several years ago myself (I am female). You are a REAL catch and don't you forget it!

 

Best of luck and please keep me posted!