in love with 2 men--husband & ex bf

[slurpee]

First post ever to any forum, so bear with me as I learn the tricks and lingo.

 

I'm 37 yrs old, married to my high school sweet heart for 17 yrs. Been with him for 21 yrs total. When we were dating, I fell in love first, this scared him off & he broke up with me. There was another guy I had been interested in for months even before husband-to-be (in fact husband--Guy #1-- tried to help me "get" other guy). When we broke up, guy #2 and I got together. Guy #2 and I fell madly in love; very, very intense relationship. So opposite of Guy #1. Guy #2 and I had sex (16 & 17 yrs old), first for both of us. A few months later Guy #1 comes back into picture. After a love triangle for several months, I went back with him.

 

Problem: I never, ever quit loving Guy #2. I eventually had to choose between the 2, chose #1 for many complicated reasons. #2 never left my heart or soul. At first I thought it was because of our shared intimacy and because we were so close (emotionally--soulmates, etc). We also ended on a very bad note--never forgave myself for the way I treated him. Guy #1 was a better choice for me because he was more stable, predictable, etc. Guy #2 was so much like myself (spontaneous, verbal, passionate) and I didn't want another ME.

 

Guy #2 and I have reconnected in the past year via email. We have also talked on the phone. He is happily married with 3 kids. (I have 2 kids). Neither of us wants to jeopordize what we have and I don't think he would even be with me if he were free, but I'm not sure. He has not said that he still loves me too, but he has not said that he doesn't, either.

 

Guy #1 (my husband) has now corrected all of our marriage problems that I've complained about for 17 yrs. He's perfect now. He's not abusive in any way, he's not a drinker at all, he's a very well-respected member of our community and church, comes from a great and highly thought of family in our town, as well. We have zero financial problems. Everything is paid for. I stay at home but will go back to teaching next fall.

 

I have been diagnosed as being depressed; I'm on meds and seeing a counselor. I know I sound nuts! I have everything any woman would ever want! Except Guy #2. I do still truly love him. Wasn't absolutely sure until last year.

 

My decision to make: Should I stay married knowing that I love someone else? I do not ever expect anything to come of Guy #2 with me. I would never try to mess up his marriage. My husband knows all of this, too. Guilt made me tell him everything. He is also in counseling. My biggest concern is my vows. I'm a Christian, believe it or not. So, how can I be in love with 2 men?! What does that say about my vows? Also, I continue to sin by loving Guy #2 but how do you make love stop? I don't think it's possible. And I will love #2 forever, just as I love my husband. What does all of this say about me and my character? I know in the end it's my facing God and his judgment. Is it right to stay married just for the kids? To an outsider looking in at my life and family, we are perfect. I hear that so often. If they only knew.

 

Whew! Do y'all want to kick me out now?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Slurpee, you came to the right place. I too have some experience of depression, infidelity and Christian faith.

 

Your story is very clear and perhaps not uncommon. It is the choice between the (seeming) excitement of the unattainable Guy #2, and the (seeming) ho-hum routine with Guy #1. Depression makes you unhappy and dissatisfied, so you look around for reasons. Hey, you found them! Your husband is the reason you're unhappy! You make him "fix" all his "flaws". But you're still unhappy! What could the reason be? Ahh, yes, a lost love.

 

How can you be in love with two men? Very easily. Love is a feeling, and their is no physical law that prevents you from having it for two men. Although to be accurate, you say little or nothing about love for your husband (do you still feel any?)

 

You say

I have everything any woman would ever want!

but I am afraid this is NOT true. You do not have a deep sense of love and intimacy in your marriage, and yeah, that's what most women do insist on. But, not to worry. You CAN get it back - I bet it was there once.

 

Also, I wouldn't worry right now about God and his judgment. Your real issue is what to do in the here and now. Here's what I recommend:

 

* Keep working the meds and the counselling

* Stop emailing Guy #2 - you can't handle it

* Think realistically about what would be the outcome if you left your husband - would it improve anything?

(Keep in mind that happily married Guy #2 almost certainly won't break up his family to be with you - and if he did, there you go, two homes broken and guilt and stress galore)

* Find some wholesome interests that consume your time so you can stay away from your email temptation

* Try <URL removed> to restore lost feelings of love for your husband

 

Don't leave your marriage until you have tried the above for six months. Actually, I think even six WEEKS is long enough for you to see some results.

[sumdude]

Questions to ask yourself.

 

Are you really in love with Guy #2 or the IDEA of loving guy #2.

 

You're hanging on to a feeling or moment in time you had 17 years ago. You're also still feeling guilty about how you treated him all that time ago? You must be a Catholic carring that guilt all that time (just kidding, I'm raised Catholic myself). Look, for lack of a better phrase the grass is very likely not greener on the other side. Perhaps you may be..well...Ok I'll say it. Midlife Crisis? You need to lose contact with Guy #2 for a while. You're torturing yourself and your husband. Pay attention to the here and now, make today the best possible day. If you love your husband or have ever loved him work on that relationship. By the way, telling him you loved #2 must have hurt him like hell.... This could take some work. Stop pining away for an unrequitable love of the past. It's the 21st century..Move on. Regret is one of the worst emotions, it can paralyze you. You can't change the past. It's done.

 

P.S. By the way, if you are taking antidepressants such as Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil etc. They can very well kill your sex drive possibly making things worse. Consider Wellbutrin, much less likely to have serious side effects. (I've seen this)

[love2help]

If you have any love and\or respect for your husband, you must stop talking to #2. You owe this to yourself, your kids, and your husband if there is even a thread of hope in your marriage. Your feelings may never completely go away for #2, but I can promise you they won't if you continue talking to him. I don't think you have stayed this long just for the kids. You may tell yourself this, but I don't believe it to be true.

 

It says a lot for your husband that he is still with you at this point (assuming this). Most men would already be gone. But I fear you stand a good chance of losing him too if you continue with this. Do you want to lose him too? Would you be happier if he wasn't around? I get the impression that you still love him too. Is that true? If it is, you need to let go of the past and work on today and tomorrow. This will not get any easier if you continue to put this off. It's time to deal with it and move on.

 

You say your husband knows everything ^ does he know that you coninue to talk to #2? If he does, can you imagine how this must make him feel? If he doesn't know, you are keeping secrets and sneaking around. Which one is worse? Does #2s wife know what is going on?

 

You will never know the kind of love you can have with your husband if you have hung on to this for so long and continue to do so. You say your husband is not abusive^he doesn't have to be^you abuse yourself.

 

My advice to you: Continue the meds & the counseling. Sounds like you and your husband may need some together. Stop talking to #2 ^ forever. Don't think about it, do it. Devote yourself to your husband and children and discover the love that is right in front of your nose. Remember^no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. Forgive and forget.

[higherpower911]

A few questions for you:

 

Do you change your mind a lot? Do you constantly second-guess yourself?

 

You sound like an intelligent person, so trust the decisions that you made and stick with them. You most likely made the right decision when you picked your husband. Things are never perfect and so it's natural to think "what if" or "I wish I had done that". In reality, the "what ifs" are not usually better than what is now and theres rarely anything you can do about it anyway.

 

You seem to have a lack of committment. This has probably been sensed by your husband, though he may not even realize it. You say that he has fixed everything that needed fixing. Have you?

 

It is easy to re-connect with an old love. Rarely do these relationships work out though. Trust me on this. You are experiencing the excitement much like the excitement that people find in sexual affairs. This can lead to terrible, terrible things though.

 

Advice: Fix the things YOU need to fix in your marriage now. I would assume that you have lost trust with your husband over this. Build that back up, it may take an extended period of time to do that. This means purging #2 from your life completely. Perhaps not the memories, but you can't keep him in your life. You are expending tons of energy on this, which takes energy away from your marriage and family.

 

Bottom line: Get #2 out of your life for good and don't look back.

[goodwordmessenger]

i would like to address the spiritual side of your post.

 

if you have asked God for forgiveness, then you have been forgiven. your problem is that you have not forgiven yourself and you have not removed the sin from your life. you must walk away "and sin no more" as the Bible tells us.

 

you can't always completely control your thoughts but you can control your actions.

 

is it right to stay just for the kids? that is not a fair question. it is right to stay because of your vows and your promise before God. your kids deserve a mom and a dad in a loving home. not many kids have that any more. you and your husband deserve a good marriage. you both have to be committed to this and work at it.

 

i know that you can see no end in site with this right now, but i promise you that you can get through this and have a wonderful, loving relationship with your husband. it must be the two of you alone though.

 

continue your counseling (hopefully this is christian based). discontinue contact with #2. open your heart to your husband and pray with him. you probably will not know what you already have unless you lose it.

[slurpee]

I do appreciate the advice I am receiving. Thank you. I know what the right thing to do is. I just don't know if I have the guts to do it. My counseling is Christian based, thank you for asking. I am Baptist, by the way, but evidently I have Catholic qualities.

 

#2's wife does not know the extent of our communication. Neither one of us wants to hurt her with that information. Also, I assume #2 is protecting himself from her wrath. #2 saved my life last year when I was deeply, deeply depressed and near suicide. And believe it or not, he's the main one who encouraged me to stay in my marriage and try to work it out. We have grown as friends more than anything; however, I am still in love with him and not the idea. For 20 years I thought it WAS the idea, then I reconnected with him and well, here I am now.

 

I can stay in my marriage. I can continue the charade of my life that I've been living. I will do anything for my kids. My problem is my knowing and my husband's knowing that #2 is there in my heart, has been for 20 years, and always will be. I feel it is unfair to stay with my husband when I can't give him 100% of my love. Does that make sense? I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than continue to hurt him the way I am doing.

 

Just because I cut off contact with #2 won't make my desire to talk to him, be with him go away (not in a lustful, sexual sense). If I can continue to have #2 in my life 2 or 3 times a month via email, I am satisfied. Because I have missed him so much over the years, I am willing to have just that. And this is ME talking, not my depression. #2 thinks that I have pretty much put this behind me so I let him believe that.

 

When I say that my husband has fixed all of our marriage problems, I mean the ones he was responsible for. Obviously, I have not done my part or #2 would be no more. When I revealed my feelings for #2 to my husband, it was like a lightbulb went on in his head and he was a changed man. We're communicating now (was always a MAJOR problem in our relationship), he lets me make decisions now, he treats me more as an equal than a submissive wife (a Baptist quality I do not follow). He was always the superior one in our relationship. I have things to overcome, as well. I am in no way perfect!

 

Anyway, I appreciate the response I have received. Nothing has ever been simple with me and it doesn't appear that I will ever be a simple person. Thanks!

[higherpower911]

I'm not sure why you seek advice unless you are just looking for someone to say what you are doing is fine. It's not. I believe you have gotten good, sound advice from each post here. Has your counselor advised you to discontinue talking to #2? I'm guessing he or she has. From your last post, I can see that you are lying to #2, to yourself, and to your husband. And #2s wife is left in the dark also. How would you feel if your husband was playing games? Maybe you wouldn't care. Hard to tell.

 

Here is what I think has happened with you. You fell in love with two men (or boys) at a very young age. You entered into sex with one and had incredible guilt about this. You then chose the one that you thought would be best for you. I'm thinking you probably really loved him is another reason. You didn't really let go of #2 though either. Then things aren't perfect and you had second thoughts. Evidently you had second thoughts about #1 also since you "let him back in the picture". Since you never dealt with this many years ago, this has grown to a point that you can't see out of. Though your husband may have many faults, as we all do, you have driven a wedge between the two of you with #2. It's time to pull out the wedge and finally deal with this.

 

I know that the love for #2 feels all so real. I know from experience. I doubt if anyone will convince you otherwise. You are in love with memories and some qualities in #2 that you miss. Talking with someone is one thing. Living with them is another.

 

If you and your husband had no love for each other, I would still tell you to work on it and try to make it better. I sense that there is still love between the two of you. Do you feel that your husband love you? You say you don't want to hurt him anymore, so I think you must still love and care about him also.

 

Here are your options as I see them:

1. Continue contact with #2, hurting your husband, lying to #2, while #2 "sneaks" around on his wife also. You risk losing your husband and family as well as #2s.

2. Leave your husband and split up your family. Continue contact with #2 and hope he leaves his wife someday? Would your husband be happier alone also?

3. Accept that #2 is happily married and be happy for him. Maybe he is just an easy guy to love. Be happy that you knew him and happy for him that he found someone to be happy with after you broke up. Continue your counseling (with your husband) and fix the things YOU need to fix. Most importantly: stop talking to #2.

 

I would imagine that the wounds that you have inflicted on your husband through this are deep. He will have scars for the rest of his life, whether you stay or go. Do you stay and help him to heal by loving him or do you leave and let him heal on his own? If you continue contact with #2, neither of you will ever heal.

 

Your life does not have to be a charade. I am confident that you can put this behind you (though it will take some time and courage) and have the kind of marriage that you long for with your husband. It takes time and it will take some effort, but it will be worth it. I know. I've seen it happen.

[headintheclouds]

You think its unfair to stay married to your husband if you cant give him 100% of your love? SO, you think it is fair to in effect cheat on him with your ex bf? Give me a break!!!!

 

Sounds like you have an addictive personality. When you find something that makes you feel good, you crave it. You can't go without it. That is not love. Do you have alcohol or drug addicitions in your family? You say your husband doesn't drink. I hope that you don't either. Talking to #2, 2 or 3 times a month is like an alcoholic getting drunk 2-3 times a month. You will never beat it if you continue to give in.

 

You have to give up your addicition completely to get through this. You may still have the craving, just as an alcoholic does, but addictions ruin lives and your case is no different. Just because something feels good, doesn't mean it IS good.

 

The devil uses many things to temp us away from God and what is right. Drugs & alcohol are just a couple of them. You have been tempted for a long, long time. Don't give in to this. I can tell from your post that you are better than that.

 

Ask your counselor about this and please take his or her advice.

[VivianLee]

Hey gal....

Okay this is going to be weird so try to follow me.....I guess you could say that I would be guy number 2's wife...not actually but I was in that situation. When my husband was 15 he fell in love and had his first sexual experience with a girl. I don't know how long they were together (she was a bit older than he) but he had to move about 1,000 miles away so they didn't have a choice but to break up. She got married and had a child but they stayed in touch. He tried to give me details one time but I didn't really want to hear them. She and I had the same first name (EWWW) and so when he asked me to marry him, the first thing he said was "I always thought I'd marry someone named ******.....well I was a bit naive and very crazy about him so he got to live!

 

I didn't realize it but he never broke off communication with her. They talked till he got another job that wouldn't allow him to communicate with each other, in other words, they talked all through our early marriage, through my pregnancy and until my daugher was 2.

 

11 years past supposedly without communication. She found him on our churches website (he's a minister) and e-mailed him. They started talking again for the next 2 years. She even sent my daughter a birthday card and told my hubby how much she wished that was her child with him. The grass got greener and greener for both of them, she was in her 4th marriage (supposedly ALL of them cheated on her) and had 4 kids. She happened to live in a place where he had to take a business trip so they met up and had sex.

Apparently they renewed their romance and wanted to be together. The affair lasted for 5 months, he went one more time to her state and they had sex again. Apparently from the e-mails I read, they were in love (it had always been meant to be) and were going to marry.

 

When he told me about the affair, we agreed not to divorce right away and I agreed even to see about taking him back but he needed to end the affair soon. I didn't give him a time frame because I thought it should run it's course....

Well, it did, she separated from her hubby (who was very, very well off) and my hubby was separated from me. They could communicate all day and night and even try to meet each other.....well.....once everything was out of the way, the intense interest of "what might have been" started going away and they started getting on each other's nerves.....the grass was getting dull.....

 

In the end, they ended it. I was able to get her e-mail address and tell her about her "green grasses" flaws (some she'd already picked up on) and believe me, reality isn't as beautiful as fantasy....

 

You're Guy number 2 may by some miracle after the wear and tear of life, still be the same person you loved. But 9 times out of 10 we remember things alot more fondly than they really are. You haven't been with him since beans don't sit well on his stomach, you've not washed stains out of his underwear, you've not smelled how icky his breath can get in the morning, or had to clean the toilet after he's missed a few times.

You don't know what kind of temperment or attitude he has now after all these years. He may not like certain things you do or say. He may not think it's amusing the way you do this or that wrong, he can't be in tune with your emotions or know what you mean when you say this or that because he hasn't lived with you or been around you for years. I am not a guru of a perfect marriage.....I'm totally the opposite....I've just been part of this scenario and if you are having a good marriage with a good man, don't mess it up over a long ago romance between idealistic teens......you aren't the same person and neither is he, you can't be and have become the mature adult you are......you better off just remembering "that time back when" than finding out in reality that it isn't that great......

 

I don't see how what you feel is love......it's fond memories but you can't be in love still if you haven't been with this person all these years.....love is not fed or can grow that way.....or put it this way, your in love with an ideal or a time in the past! Live in the present, don't ruin your marriage!! Please!!

[divahelp]

Best advice I can give you

 

Get #2 out of your life for good

 

Go to http://www.divorcebusting.com

Read the articles{all of them}, buy the books, and work on your marriage.

This saved my marriage. Put forth a little effort and it will pay off.

Sounds like your husband is trying, so give it a chance to work.

 

Love is giving, not taking

[divahelp]

Go to Infidelity forum and read "husband had an emotional affair" for another perspective.