Almost 2yrs later...

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

Almost 2 yrs ago I stumbled upon Loveshack after a breakup. I was a complete and utter disaster of a human. Your words of advice helped me ALOT and for that I am very grateful. I got out of the house, got a new job, made new friends, concentrated on me and my girls. Even went on a few dates after awhile.

During all this time I have had very minimal contact with my ex. At the begining it was once every 2 or 3 months. Mostly about our kids visiting each other or ball games. There were some other times such as his accident at work & the death of his father. I should add that when he left he went directly into another relationship, moved to another city, ect. Anyway! He did throw in the occasional "I miss you, I love you" and still does but I didn't/don't take any stock in that and politely tell him WE miss him and his kids also. Since his father passed away last fall he has initiated more contact asking for advice on a career change, during his schooling (I urged him to go after his dream career and supported him as a friend would), and of course even now after his move (job offer, diff state). He has made it quite clear that he is not interested in looking for a new female and he wants my daughter to come visit when he gets his kids this summer (never did that while was with her). I am wondering what has suddenly gotten him so talkative and wanting my opinions & such.

In one of our conversations when he first got his current job offer, he said it was great pay but that it was awfully far away from me and the kids. I jokingly made light of it & replied with "you already live over a hundred miles away. what's a few hundred more?" His response was that he stills sees us every now and again (yeah, like maybe 5-6x since he left). In our last conversation he said to believe him, I was at the top of his friends list. Also that he leaves his IM on & I should feel free to IM him. I haven't done it though because this is all so odd.

I refuse to tell him that I personally miss him or that I'm still very much in love with him. When we have seen each other in person I am absolutely polite yet distant with him, enjoying my time with the kids, making it clear I have a life without him, and I am happy and doing quite well. So what do you suppose is running through this mans mind?

Any thoughts would be helpful. Sorry for rambling LOL

[vessv6l]

Hi Sunset_cowgirl

 

I dont know any details of your breakup but im assuming he broke it off with you? Anyway it sounds to me like he wants to remain in contact with you and is using the kids as an excuse to do that. He may have realised what you guys had and hasnt been able to move on completely. He may feel quilty at how things ended. I think you have been doing the right thing by remaining polite yet distant when you speak with him or see him. Im assuming again, but did he leave your relationship to enter into another one straight away? Has he ever appologised for that? My situation is similar in that my ex left for someone else but profusely denied that was the case, ie lied to me. Unless an apology is ever given the bridge to forgivness will never be built.

 

You say that you still love him and miss him so do you want to try things again? Is his regular contact making life more difficult for you? If you dont want anything and it is making it harder you could ask him to let you have your space

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

I guess I got my answer!

 

Seems the whole time he has been talking to me he has obviously been playing a game. Got a call from my bff Sunday. Seems Saturday night he called her man (his friend) and told him that he is searching for a house because come June 1st the one he left me for is moving out there and he plans to propose to her this coming Christmas. A few hours later that same night he was talking to me saying maybe he was a dumb*ss for leaving.

 

For the life of me I just don't see what his Mo is. We haven't seen each other since January when he came to my daughter's ball game & it's not like we sat together or anything like that. Why do you suppose he insists on telling me how much he loves me and misses us and all that happy sappy malarkey? He's 2 states away for crying out loud! This behavior makes no sense what so ever.

 

PLEASE! Any ideas what might be running through this mans mind??

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

Hi Sunset_cowgirl

 

I dont know any details of your breakup but im assuming he broke it off with you?

 

Im assuming again, but did he leave your relationship to enter into another one straight away?

 

Has he ever appologised for that?

 

My situation is similar in that my ex left for someone else but profusely denied that was the case, ie lied to me.

Unless an apology is ever given the bridge to forgivness will never be built.

 

You say that you still love him and miss him so do you want to try things again?

 

Is his regular contact making life more difficult for you?

 

Yes.

Yes.

No.

He also profusely lied about and denied it. Still has never fessed up to it either.

 

If he were genuinely honest with me & sincere, then yes. But it seems that he just can't do that =-(

 

Nope! It made me start to be hopeful again but it didn't make it difficult.

[vessv6l]

If i were you i wouldnt acknowledge any contact attempts he makes from now on. Maybe he had doubts about his current relationship and was trying to see if you would be his fall girl. What ever he is trying to accomplish hes using mind games to achieve it. You dont need that in your life

[loser101]

so to recap, your ex H is trying to sweet-talk you while planning to move near a woman on 1st June to whom he is planning to propose around Christmas.

 

what's going through his mind? not much I would say. he certainly has no regards for anyone's feelings, he never fessed up to you about the other woman because he probably thinks you would never work that out by yourself and he didn't think his friend's SO would tell you about the proposal plans.

 

he basically puts himself first, doesn't concern himself with anyone else's feelings or the destruction he might leave behind. he doesn't even think about how the children would be affected if he just kept swanning in and out of their lives if he got back with you again (and probably broke it off again).

 

there must be better quality men around

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

I have no intentions of speaking to him. If were tempted to answer it would be to rake him over the coals for his behavior and that really isn't a good thing!

 

As I said though it all seems so stupid especially since we are 2yrs and 2 states apart. I must be his emotional fall girl. NO MORE BUDDY!!!!!!

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

so to recap, your ex H is trying to sweet-talk you while planning to move near a woman on 1st June to whom he is planning to propose around Christmas.

 

there must be better quality men around

 

 

No she is moving there. He got a great job offer and moved there the beginning of April. He implied over and over that he was single. Honestly he has to know that I know. I am still friends with all of his friends & their SO's. He also knows that they have not approved of his actions since day 1.

 

If they are out there I haven't found them yet! Wish they had gps for that kind of thing LOL.

[loser101]

No she is moving there. He got a great job offer and moved there the beginning of April. He implied over and over that he was single. Honestly he has to know that I know. I am still friends with all of his friends & their SO's. He also knows that they have not approved of his actions since day 1.

 

If they are out there I haven't found them yet! Wish they had gps for that kind of thing LOL.

 

I'm sorry but he just doesn't sound very bright.

 

I know do you live in a small town?

[sotired]

Take him off your messenger and your facebook or whatever.

 

He is playing a game and you are letting him. He probably wants to leave the door open for you to be a back up plan in case his other girl doesn't work out. You sound like you are in a good place now, have mostly moved on, cut him out of your life (except for contact about the kids obviously) before he hurts you all over again.

[scootncash]

Hi Sunset Cowgirl!

 

Cool to see someone likes horses like me. You know the thing about men is not that hard once you figure out what to look for. I have a similar situation. I was with my ex for 8 years, out of the blue dumps me for someone else. Its been 3 years and he is still with her but he still contacts me. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of dollars to help me figure it out but believe me it was worth it.

 

I'll tell you what my therapist told me. You have to look at what he does, not what he says, so...he is contacting you but he is still with her. They never never never tell you about what they say to them, hence he tells her a lot and she believes he loves her, aka...he is going to propose.

 

Sometimes they do feel tremendous guilt and they contact to just see how you respond and what your willing to accept. I personally keep it to minimal contact and basic information nothing to do with us or what we used to be and its a lot less painful. But I did have to learn how to handle it before I got to this point.

 

Sometimes u have to accept that no matter how much you loved each other or how much you gave and that you cant believe the one person you trusted could do this to you. But he did. They put themselves first and foremost everytime. Whether or not they do it intentionally is something you have to figure out and decide if its even worth the time to figure out. Sometimes they do really love you and begin to know what they messed up but bear in mind as long as he is still with her he hasnt finished growing and learning and he has not made all the necessary changes to be worthy of having you again. Some men find the perfect woman and turn around and say, do you think there is anything better out there? Theses are just some of the types of men out there and there are good ones. I cant justify blaming the entire male race for one bad man and bad decisions on my behalf too. Yes some women are just as bad.

 

But the thing is like in my situation the therapist said you see he has two roles. Its like you get to be the wife and she gets to be the hooker. He knows that he must be real with you and the commitment has to be there. He has to be at his best behavior because he knows the relationship reached that status. The other girl on the other hand gets to be the hooker, the one he can play around with, the one he really doesnt have to be committed to but, he does lend himself to the idea because he has to to keep her around. He gets to be free with her. He gets to come and go as he pleases, he doesnt have to be completely responsible in the relationship whereas he does with you. So as long as he isnt ready for that he will remain with her till he either moves on to the next available victim or he changes and accepts that he has to step up to the plate to be with you. No one can say for sure except for him. So I asked myself did I want to wait around for that to happen? No, heck no.

 

I got on with my life, I threw myself back into my children and my horses, I worked on me, I looked at what I did in relationships including the bad. I know now where I made my mistakes but I also know what I did right. It changed my entire outlook on relationships. It has given me the upper hand when it comes to him but I dont abuse that power. I learned the lesson, carry it with me, and left the baggage behind.

 

I had several really good books that my therapist gave me a list to read. One is Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud, another is Boundries in Dating by the same authors and 10 stupid things couples do to mess up their relationships by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

 

Hey you get all this at the bargin price of $ A girl who's been in your shoes and paid about 2 grand for the help and now my goal is to pass any helpful information I can for free. You have a lot of choices at this point in your life and information and advice are mostly free. Its up to you to decide what is right for you but its even better to be informed that there is help out there if you want it and even common strangers can make a difference because there are people who care, LoveShak.org is a prime example.

 

Take care and good luck!

[scootncash]

I found an exert from 10 stupid things, I thought you might get something out of ,

 

Dr. Laura says in the book: Stupid Breakups chapter

 

I'm always amused by this expression, "I have to find myself." First, there is the notion of being somewhere other than where you are (some kind of cosmic lost-and-found), then there is the idea that you cant find yourself under the present circumstances of marriage and children, and finally there is the ephiany that you cant simply find yourself in the bed of someone new.

 

Truly, you find yourself in commitments; you find yourself in the eyes of people who depend on you, you find yourself in your noble responses to life's challanges; you find yourself in your actions and decisions; you find yourself right where you are right now.

 

This notion of "finding oneself" is an intellectually dihonest approach to frustration, a pouty reaction to obligations and routine, and a bratty manipulation of another's compassion and understanding.

 

Why does finding oneself as an individual seem to imply that you must unload siginificant people from yourlife like your spouse, boy/girl friend, and or parents? The answer is that the most immature part of yourself has reverted back to infanthood-wanting to be the center of the universe without obligations: you get to have, you dont have to give.

 

With that attitude, you will either end up alone, or with superficial escapades, and regrets for a stupid breakup.

 

Dont lie to yourself or anyone else. When you feel like its time to get going, stay put and face whatever it is that worries or frightens you.

 

I could not have said it better myself and it helped me understand a lot about why he just up and left for someone new and why he is still with her today and contacting me. There it is up there in black and white.

 

And from that she talks about the grass is always greener problem:

 

That when you imagine improving your life by simple demolition is to miss the truth. The truth is that you are largely the architect of the quality of your life. Therefore, begin first with renovation-of yourself: your attitudes, your reactions, your expectations, and your actions. Only then can you hope to have any credibility or power in your determination to make improvements in your relationship, marriage, and family.

 

The sad thing is that we have a society that doesnt train or support people to search and settle for depth and security. Instead, we urge people to experience, not settle, look for better, get something different; never be satisfied

Girl, go out and get this book it will help to heal your heart I promise!

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

I know do you live in a small town?

 

Actually I do. We have an old "mom & pop" grocery store and one traffic light in the center of town! City Hall and the police Dept. are in the same building (about the size of a 4 car garage) and not only does everyone know each other but, when it snows hard the mayor comes around in his pick up to help residents out of their driveways!