ScottT Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years and we have 5 wonderful children together. With this marriage we have the common problems of stress over money and the kids fighting from time to time but no big deal. I know she has not been happy for around 6 years now but it was never a big deal until just recently. She has started being short tempered with me and the kids and just really hard to live with. I finally went in to talk to her about what was wrong and she told me that she just was not happy with her life with me and could not understand why. She told me that I was a model husband and father and I did not deserve to be treated the way she treats me. She told me over and over that I deserved a woman the would treat me good and be affectionate to me. She added that she was a horrible person and she hated herself for the way she feels but she said she doesnt even feel like the same person anymore. I guess these feeling really got strong about 2 months ago when she started her new job. Everyone there is young and single and good looking and they always tell her that she is the hottest waitress there. About a week ago she decided to go out after work around midnight with her friends from work. She did not call me to let me know that she was not going to be home so I started calling around 1:30 am and got no answer. She finally called me around 1:45 am and said that she went out with her friends and had a couple of drinks and that her friend was dropping her off at her car so she would be home shortly. She sounded pretty drunk so I went down to her job to make sure that she arrived ok. A small sports car pulled up not long after and just set there by her car for about 10 minutes and she finally got out. I seen that she was there and I know she only had a couple of miles to our home so I left and went home so she wouldnt get mad at me. When she got home she was pretty drunk which is totally out of the normal for her she never does these things. She started call people she had been with and her story about who really dropped her off was not making any sence. I couple of days later I needed to know if she was lying so I asked who drives the little sports car and it turned out to be a guy that she works with. She wanted to know why I asked and she finally figured it out. She got mad at this point and told me that she didnt tell me because she knew I would freak out. She said that she was not the only girl in the car but she was the only one the got out. After this she stood by the fact that her feeling had nothing to do with another man and that she needed to be away from me for a while to figure things out. She dont keep me from my kids or anything but she just dont want to see me and she says its not me because I have done nothing wrong, she says that it is her and she is a bad person for doing this to me. Im open to any advice or confort. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 You should really start investigating her. Get a key logger on your computer and get into her email accounts and facebook. Find out who this guy is, if hes married, and what hos job title is. Her reason for not being happy sound like she is investing her feelings elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Dude, classic signs of something sinister going on. If she's not having an affair, she's on the brink. Time to start snooping. Keylogger on her/your computer, check out call and text history in her cell phone. If she deletes this, get a detailed copy of her phone bill. This will show all calls and texts. Hire a PI if necessary. Dude I'm telling you something's not kosher. You feel it and know it, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking. Keep us updated and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 Well I cant keep an eye on her from the computer because she dosent use it at all. completely a computer dummy if you will. What I do know is that since this has all been going on I check her phone records a lot online and I have found that she is talking to one of the girls she works with a lot and she is about 15 years younger than my 40 year old wife and she talks to her mom every night. So no real strange calls for more than a minute or two. I just dont know what to think at this point. I know that today she is out and about somewhere but who knows where. Link to post Share on other sites
Campingman Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Hey ScottT, I know kind of what you are going through. We have wives that are the same age and my wife is doing the same thing basically. Read and listen to the advice of the veterans on here. They CAN help. I am slowly trying to get control of my situation (i'm in big trouble) and my wife is STUBBORN and has her heels dug in deep but I'll share with you what I have learned. You can make you own conclusions and apply them to your situation if you see fit. First.... something is up and if it isn't it is about to be. You have to CAREFULLY figure out what is going on. Your wifes interests have been sparked by something or someone else. I believe this is because of the daily routines that have been happening day after day after day. Second.... after I weighed in on all the pros and cons... i.e. what reaction would happen for whatever action I took.... I put together a game plan. LOOK AFTER #1 before you start the plan. Third.... Since my wife won't even look at me let alone talk to me. I gave her space and only made contact with her regarding the kids. NO FIGHTING, ARGUING ETC Fourth... I went for advice with MC and examined myself from my wifes point of view. I have learned that women bore easily. You have to win her back emotionally. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK. You have to become THAT GUY that she fell in love with however many years ago. That is where I stand today.... that is just a summary of my story.... it is too early for me to know if I have a chance or not or even if I am doing the right things but I can tell you that since I have changed my attitude a little and started being a positive person.... my wife has calmed down somewhat. She still won't spark up a conversation but she will give me a short and blunt answer once in a while and will at least come into the same room if only for 5 seconds til she realises that we are in the same room. LOL!!! That took me about a month to get to this point. Hang in there and post, post, post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 Thank you for the advice guys I think you are all right but I dont have the means to get a PI on her right now so I just have to sit and wonder. This is the worst thing I have ever been through and it is not only killing me it is tearing my kids heart out because I am the one that has always been there for them and been their tower of strength and hope. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoulmate Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Thank you for the advice guys I think you are all right but I dont have the means to get a PI on her right now so I just have to sit and wonder. This is the worst thing I have ever been through and it is not only killing me it is tearing my kids heart out because I am the one that has always been there for them and been their tower of strength and hope. Don't jump the gun. Trying talking to her again. Perhaps she is having a midlife crisis? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 16, 2009 Author Share Posted April 16, 2009 You know you may be right because she said that she didnt even feel like the same person anymore. She said that she still loves me and has feelings for me but she is just confused right now but she dont know about what. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 she says she won't keep you from the kids,or that she don't want to see you! well if she don't want to see you tell her she better get packing,cause you ain't going nowhere! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 Well I went for counseling yesterday and she told me that she wanted me to start seeing her ounce a week. She told me that I was greiving right now and that I really needed someone to talk to. I talked to my wife this morning and she is still no where near ready and she still wants me to stay away. She said that she dont know how long it will take but she didnt want to make a hasty decision that we would both regret. She reashured me that she just needs some time and that this is not about another man. I really believe her but im dying here and it has only been a week. Does the pain and hurting get any better? I mentioned to her that if she wanted I would stay at the house and she could stay somewhere else and she got real mad and said that I just wanted to take her kids away from her so I just let it go. I guess I just need to find some strength somewhere I just dont know where. Link to post Share on other sites
Campingman Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I am not an expert by any means but my wife told me exactly the same thing! Word for word basically. I believed my wife too.(denial...couldn't happen to me). Later on I told her I wasn't moving out and she flipped because it threw a wrench into her plans. There is more to this story ScottT. Some of the best advice I was told was that older women (around 40) with multiple children don't do things like this without a gameplan because lets face it... how many "future guys" are going to be willing to take on 5 kids? It made sense to me once I thought about it. You need to regroup IMHO and do some more digging. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 From what you have posted here...I am gathering she is in her late 30's or early 40's. (guessing) Has anyone thought of "hormonal issues?" I have several friends that thru those ages went thru quite a few emotional & confusing times...& myself included. One friend in particular, married early, & at 40 thought she's fallen out of love with her husband. It ended up being hormonal. Just a suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 From what you have posted here...I am gathering she is in her late 30's or early 40's. (guessing) Has anyone thought of "hormonal issues?" I have several friends that thru those ages went thru quite a few emotional & confusing times...& myself included. One friend in particular, married early, & at 40 thought she's fallen out of love with her husband. It ended up being hormonal. Just a suggestion. Could be, but the fact she works with alot of younger people leads me to think she's admiring the "freedom" they have to do as they please, without the tie downs of a husband and kids. Mid-life crisis? Don't know. But, I do know that a majority of the women, and men, who tell their spouse they "need space", their "confused", and they need to "find themselves", usually involves someone else in the picture. May not be true in this instance, and I certainly hope it is not, but that senerio is out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 I am starting to think it may be a midlife crisis but she told me just this morning that she really enjoys being with and going out with her friends. I got to stay the night at my house last night with the kids while she went out with her friends. My youngest son (10yrs old) told me that he asked his mom why she was doing this to dad and she said that she still loves daddy but she is not in love with him. She told him that she wanted to see if she could start missing daddy and fall in love with him again. The problem is I dont know how she can miss me when she is having herself a grand old time and im living in hell. This is the toughest thing I have ever had to go through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 17, 2009 Author Share Posted April 17, 2009 You know what the saddest part about this whole thing is? She is listening to and taking advice from people that are half her age and havent even lived yet and she ignores her mother and the man she has spent the last 20+ years with. The man that has given her everything he has to give and has loved her no matter what. I just do not get it. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 hummm, the only thing she enjoys, is being with and going out with her friends. i'd either next time you babysit,follow her, or have someone (one of your friends she don't know)follow her azz. i got a sneaking feeling you're gonna be in for a BIG surprise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 Mark number one I really dont have any close friends that I do stuff with outside of work. My whole life for years has been my kids. I mean I do everything with them. I go to all of their activities and I was with them at the end of each day and at night before they go to bed. It has gotten to the point now that my oldest daughter (18yrs) is getting very angry at her mom. She and her mom share everything with each other and this is one thing that she doesnt want to be involved in and I guess that her mom and myself included have been talking to her a little to much. Anyway, my daughter told me yesterday that she was positive that I didnt need to worry about another man and she was sure of that because her mom tells her stuff. The thing my daughter dont know is before my wife blocked me from checking the phone records I found out that she was talking to the guy I suspected. The funny thing about the calls is that they only last for like one or two minutes and thay are at random times. I dont think she is having an affair with this guy yet but I sure think she finds him very interesting. Also, usualy if a woman wants to hide something from her family she will keep them away from it. She works with this guy and she still takes the kids to eat where she works and introduces them to all of the people there and it is no big deal. Maybe I am just blowing this all out of proportion. Link to post Share on other sites
Liquid Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 WAKE THE HELL UP!!!!! Just spend an hour or so to read around here, you will find that what your wife said to you the EXACT thing that was being said again and again by cheaters. I love you, but I am not in love with you. (that's in and of itself is 90% chance she is having an affair). Going out with "friends" is a cover up for a date with another man, or group dates. You can be sure that there are tons of flirting, joking, messing around, and maybe an hour or two at his house or local motel. "I need some space to figure things out" means I need you out of this so I can continue the affair. What kind of mother of 5 goes out without her kids or her husband more than a handful of times per year? She is romancing or being romanced by another man. Find out who this other man is. In addition, she need another job and be surrounded by a better group of people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 You are right but I have no way of catching her because just like always she is having the kids to call me and tell me that I can be with them today and tonight because she going out again for the third time in a week. I have had my kids 90% of the time since this separation and I dont even live with them right now. For instance, today she works until 4 so she could go after work and do stuff with her kids instead she is going out. Tomorrow she works a double so she will not be home until around 11 pm. I wish I could get some hard evidence because I could take action. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Dude, you need to wake up. Find away to follow them tonight or get someone to do it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Liquid Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 You are right but I have no way of catching her because just like always she is having the kids to call me and tell me that I can be with them today and tonight because she going out again for the third time in a week. I have had my kids 90% of the time since this separation and I dont even live with them right now. For instance, today she works until 4 so she could go after work and do stuff with her kids instead she is going out. Tomorrow she works a double so she will not be home until around 11 pm. I wish I could get some hard evidence because I could take action. Can you not pay a non-professional person (friend, neighbor, cousin, etc) say $50/$100 to follow her for ONE night? A good friend/cousin might want to help for free. By the way, don't sleep with her if you don't want any STDs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 dude i cant sleep with her i dont even live in my own home right now and besides she wont have anything to do with me at all. not even a phone call. Link to post Share on other sites
Liquid Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Can you not pay a non-professional person (friend, neighbor, cousin, etc) say $50/$100 to follow her for ONE night? A good friend/cousin might want to help for free. You never answered my above question. Can you get that done? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 I am going to see if my uncle will do it but I have no clue when she will leave or where she is even going. I mean there are a hundred possibilities Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 dude i cant sleep with her i dont even live in my own home right now and besides she wont have anything to do with me at all. not even a phone call. ScottT, sad but true, she is having an affair. Her emotional needs are being met elsewhere. You need to start being proactive, the self-pity that she might see coming from you is making her gravitate further away from you and towards the other man. Women love to see strength & resolve in men, you need to act, she is living her life. It's best that you start preparing for life without her and just for you and your kids. Wish you luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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