Darth Vader Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 You need to move back into the house, and kick her sorry ass out! You didn't cheat, she did! Contact a lawyer and find out about your rights! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 I havent proven that she has cheated yet but it is my mission to prove it as soon as possible and when I do all hell will break loose and her family is even on my side right now. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 In my state it doesn't matter if you are having an affair or not so if that is the case in your state I would say; who cares if she is or not?????? You are spending energy that is wasted that should be used on your kids or yourself. Even if you are wanting to make your marriage work as long as she is seeing or thinking of someone else it won't happen.... Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 i know you love your kids. but next time she has the kids call to say " mom said it was ok for you to come over and babysit" say NO. tell them(her) you have other plans,gotta work,make something up. you're making her life WAY too easy.you're gonna have to (for lack of better words)become a dick.by you jumping everytime she bellows you are enabeling this crap to continue.see the kids on YOUR terms. plus you have a 18 yr. old daughter at home.won't be long if she has to baby sit before she's screaming at mom.plus why are you still not at home? hopefully you're putting your $$ in your on acct, and canceling any joint accts,credit cards,cell phones. Link to post Share on other sites
worlybear Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Hi Scott Really feel for you. I am in a similar situation and share your hurt and despair. Its bad enough when adults are involved but kids being involved is the pits. No magic wand I'm afraid but hang on in there as I am doing ,life must get better ,do what feels right for you and your own situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Liquid Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 Anyway, my daughter told me yesterday that she was positive that I didnt need to worry about another man and she was sure of that because her mom tells her stuff. Are you serious? Do you really expect your wife will tell your daughter (her own daugher also) that she has been entertaining another man's dixx? It's so sad that often times, the betrayed spouse used so many justiifcations to be in denial. Here you have a married woman with five children who calls another man, lied (about being in the car with another man (and maybe bed)), goes out at night like a 20 year old girl, hang out with single people at bars and restaurants, tells her husband she is not in love with him, tells her husband she needs "space," tells her husband to move out of the house and you're expecting that she is just having innocent outings at night like some Bible study sessions? Here are some questions you need to ask yourself: 1) WHY have you moved out of the house? (You NEED to moved right back in). It's your house/family too, isn't it? And, you didn't do anything wrong, like abusing the kids, did you? So, why are you OUT of the house like a husband who abandonned his family? Why are you being PUNISHED by being outed of the family? 2) Why are you babysitting for her so SHE can go out and possibly bang some guy while you're cleaning up dishes the kids left behind? You need to stand up for yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted April 18, 2009 Share Posted April 18, 2009 You know what the saddest part about this whole thing is? She is listening to and taking advice from people that are half her age and havent even lived yet and she ignores her mother and the man she has spent the last 20+ years with. The man that has given her everything he has to give and has loved her no matter what. I just do not get it. I'm sorry to say this mate,but I would say the signs are 99.9% pointing to an affair. Your story is a mirror image of mine.The STBX got a part time job and started hanging with younger workmates and go out clubbing. I got the old 'love you but not in love with you' crap. Eventually found out she met some guy and had an affair.Her new 'friends' even encouraged her to dump me (i saw a couple of text messages from them) So when you get to the truth be prepared .... She will most likely blame YOU for the affair and try and re write your marriage history.DO NOT LISTEN TO THAT CRAP.She will just be trying to justify her actions. Now I would definately get back in the house ,you dont want to end up like me stuck in a 1 bedroom apt and now hardley get to see my stepkids who I treated as my own for 5 years. Good luck mate. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 I am starting to think it may be a midlife crisis but she told me just this morning that she really enjoys being with and going out with her friends. I got to stay the night at my house last night with the kids while she went out with her friends. My youngest son (10yrs old) told me that he asked his mom why she was doing this to dad and she said that she still loves daddy but she is not in love with him. She told him that she wanted to see if she could start missing daddy and fall in love with him again. The problem is I dont know how she can miss me when she is having herself a grand old time and im living in hell. This is the toughest thing I have ever had to go through. She's so deep in her affair that she has no compunction whatsoever about gaslighting her own child?!! If this is the type of selfish selfcentered behavior that she feels entitled to exhibit then you are required to obtain unrefutable proof of the affair and move back into the family home to mitigate the damage she's continuing to do to all of your children. That is, unless you really just don't care! Link to post Share on other sites
searcher Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 I got the "I love you but Im not in love with you and I need to spend some time by myself to see if I miss you" speach from my husband. Only to find out that after three months separation he has been out having a damned good time and is in the process of starting a new realtionship. Your situation might be different but don't let this this sort of thing give you to much hope or let it cloud your judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 Well last night she was supposed to go out as you all know but something happened to change her mind. My oldest daughter wanted to go to our house and just have her mom to drop her off at her friends when she left to go out but I guess when she seen how upset my daughter was it made her feel bad. What ended up happening is she came by and got our baby girl age 7 and took her to the house from around 8 to 10 then she brought the little one back to my moms and took the older one out to eat where she works. The older one told me that my wife was asked to go to the bar by one of her friends from work and she said that she felt that she shouldnt go tonight. I dont know what to think because I thought that she already had plans to go out anyway but I dont know with who. All I know is this is tearing my kids apart and Im not liking it at all. They want to stay with me but they dont want it to be at my home with their mom as it should be. Im dying here and I just hate waking up in the morning anymore. Life just sucks for me and I cant help it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 Just a guick update. I went to the house tonight to be with the kids for dinner and I went to our room and found that she now has almost a new wardrobe including panties. It is starting to look more and more like something is going on. The separation is a complete week now and absolutely nothing has changed. People are telling me that this could be hormonal or something but I just dont know. She has started taking birth control supposedly to get her periods under control. I guess she had 4 this month or something. I dont know much about the female thing but whatever. Life still sucks for me but I am really spending a lot of time with my kids and they love me for it. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 ScottT... i just wanted to say i am so sorry for your pain..i truly feel it in every word you write...i SO know that pain...it is almost indescribable:( your wife is at an age when the hormones thing can be an issue...also her being with all those younger single people..i think it could be a mid-wife crisis too...and identity crisis? i have not read ALL the other responses...but my advice, keep posting here, these people are amazing and have been thru it all...also, IC, MC and if you have a faith, go to your church...? i know what you mean about waking up each day...although each day is a gift..opening my eyes means i have to be with MY OWN THOUGHTS AGAIN...it stinks! take care scottT... you are not alone.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 Pelican Preacher I do care very much but I am trying to be patient for maybe one more week. If this is just hormonal I may make a huge mistake. I will keep trying for a week and see where we are at that point. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 scott, step back and read your entire post and pretend it isnt you.christ ray charles can read that she's cheating.you're gonna half to realise this sooner, rather than later. new clothes,and panties, and now bith control. "hello---mcfly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 I am pretty sure she is to but I need hard proof. I will get it im sure. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 hard proof? you have all the proof you need. her actions are telling you everything. she is cheating!!! no reason to wonder. just make the leap of accepting that as a fact and things will begin to make sense. you and the kids are no longer her biggest priority... there is a definite reason. she's seeing the guy. if you really needed to have the solid proof you seem to be hell bent on getting... then just follow her after work. your kids are old enough to stay on their own for a while. after you follow her and understand where she is - just walk up to her and tell her that you are done. no reason to keep loving a gal that continues to push you away - that makes it perfectly clear that she isn't part of the family unit anymore. move money into your name, move to the house and change the locks. that might make her wake up to what tornado she's created. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 what you are saying makes a lot of since but it is scary because if im wrong then I will regret it for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 um - the proof is solid. no one says the divorce happens overnight. proof: new job new "friends" going out late staying out later getting drunk car "ride" with a friend (no surprise it was a man) didn't answer her phone when you originally called neglecting the kids manipulating the kids manipulating you unaccounted phone calls did you check her texts?? cover up of cell bill now spent money on lots of clothes includes panties (big give away) i love you but i'm not in love with you (yes, this actually is code word for "i have someone else i'm totally willing to throw my life away for") stop her from making you a big fool. make HER move! she's the one asking for "space" give her TONS of space - tell her you're willing to move her 1,000 miles away to figure herself out... when she gets it all figured out - you should be a free and happy man for being away from her chaos and selfish behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 ScottT... ok, so this maybe embarrassing BUT...you have to do what you have to do to find what you need for that proof and piece of mind..spying!! get into her emails, get online check the cell phone bills, all carriers have your bills posted online, just set up your online account and you can follow daily and with some hourly EVERY call she is making and getting, literally. and call those numbers you do not recognize from a blocked number. its like in junior high, remember prank calls, just make up a name, and then hang up...but then you know if she is calling men or women? and like 2sunny said, follow her...get a sitter or if the kids are old enough, just tell them you are going to the store and bring back candy and stuff... but follow her if you have to...just get that proof to put your mind at ease...and by ease i mean the frustration of not having that solid proof either way...so YOU can make a more informed decision.. IF in fact you do catch her...don't approach her..she will lie and say he is a friend, a co worker a boss, etc... just go home and get your $$$$ in check, all your accounts, etc... just move on it.... the clothes, panties, etc...might mean she is just getting ready to start an A or is actually still looking, but either she is hoping it will lead to sex...if it has not already...i am telling you from my own experience...i was not the cheater...my dh was:( also, go through her purses in the closets, and drawers, look under the drawers for taped pieces of paper with numbers or names on them? look under her side of the bed, under the matress...just get in that house and start looking everywhere...she has to have left one tiny clue behind somewhere? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ScottT Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Alright, things are going from bad to worse. Last night she gets off of work at 10:30 and tells me that she will be home shortly and I should go home. At 11:30 my daughter calls me and tell me that she is still not there and she is scared so I go back over there and stay until she arrives at 2:11 am. Turns out she went out to "have a couple of drinks with her friends". Im getting a lawyer now so I can do everything the right way. She will not even talk to me face to face she says that she does not want to see me right now. This sucks for the kids more than anything because they are getting ready to get caught up in a nasty divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 slow down, first i'd take some time writing things down. how much you watch the kids,when she comes home-is she drunk?are yo in any wat supporting her lifestyle($$),time to get some new accts for yourself,cancel joint checking,credit cards.cell phones,the whole bit.be smart,don't go jumping off all angry,and doing stupid stuff.sure talk to a lawyer, but just get advice. why didn't your daughter call your wife when she wasn't home and she was scared? Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 ScottT...i am so sorry for you and especially those kids...THEY so do not deserve this. but now i am telling you, she is in an A for sure...THAT IS WHY she cannot look at you..that is why she has NO answers for you..i am going through the exact same thing...so you are doing the right thing, get a lawyer get your kids home with you...etc...but i can almost put $$$ on this, she will be back, when this 'fog' lifts and realizes what she just gave up for a few romps with a stranger.....they always figure out that the 'grass is NOT greener'. plus i still think she is having HUGE hormonal issues? good luck ScottT...we are ALL here for you:) Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 So sorry to hear that man. If there were no kids involved I'm sure it would be much easier but that's not the case. You now have a new role in life and that is to protect those kids from the crazy mom. Document everything that depicts her as the unfit mother that she is. I'm sure she will try to destroy you in a divorce / custody battle. I'm sure you would like her to change, but SHE will need to WANT to change. Whatever she says will not be proof. Her actions will speak volumes. you cannot force her to do anything at this stage. Don't even bother. She is "liberated" at the moment. Reality will set in eventually. Do not wait around for that to happen. When it does she will most likely not even be truly sincere. She is a liar now. Self centered and fake. Go to IC if you can. It will help in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Alright, things are going from bad to worse. Last night she gets off of work at 10:30 and tells me that she will be home shortly and I should go home. At 11:30 my daughter calls me and tell me that she is still not there and she is scared so I go back over there and stay until she arrives at 2:11 am. Turns out she went out to "have a couple of drinks with her friends". Im getting a lawyer now so I can do everything the right way. She will not even talk to me face to face she says that she does not want to see me right now. This sucks for the kids more than anything because they are getting ready to get caught up in a nasty divorce. I would say she is definately in affair fog mode now. You could have been writing about my STBXW the story is so similar. At the moment she doesn't care about you,doesn't care about your daughter,and is only interested in spending as much time as she can with OM. From now on do not trust one single word from out of her mouth.And I guarantee when you expose the lies she will still deny it and then blame you. My stbx would put on work clothes and pretend to go to work.When I caught her doing this she went crazy. She would also take her daughter at 11 at night to have rendevouz with OM,only for him to not show up. Time to get your affairs in order mate.Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 You should have took your daughter out of there and back to your place!!! I think it's time to lawyer up and get a bulldog of a parental rights lawyer. You need reisdential custody because her staying out til 2 am while her kids are probably alone is just bad parenting. she sucks as a wife and a mother. MLC be damned. Link to post Share on other sites
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