blue7 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 STBXW & I are doing our best to be civil. We decided to wait a few weeks before we let the word out to extended family, friends, neighbors, & co-workers. I was hoping to gather my thoughts & feelings before we told the children. That has come and passed, and all went as well as expected. We are at the point where we are both fine with letting others know. She has suggested that we say "we grew apart" or somethng along those lines. And I thought that was a good idea. As I go to tell my firends & family, I feel like they see right through it. Truth is, she quit. She is the one leaving me. She gave up on our mariage. Truth is, she did not try to work on our marriage with me. (we did a little MC, maybe 6 sessions-had a really bad counsler, found another a few months later..but by that time it was too late for her..we never made it. I see the counsler for indivd.) btw- i recognize that she is not the sole reason our marriage has failed..it was both of us that messed it up. When you tell someone that you are seperating from your spouse, their typical response (besides "sorry to hear that") is usually, well- can you try marriage counseling or maybe you just need some time away from each other. I don't think she gave it an honest effort to make things work. And therefore, I feel like I am lying to my friends when I say we just grew apart. Not to mention, they can see it on my face and hear it in my voice....I want to say she left me. I believe that is the truth. My concerns are first with my children, I don't want them ever in a bad light. I don't want people to ever say their mom left them or any negative inuendos. I don't want to get in a tit-for-tat situation with her. (he said she said BS) But I don't want to lie to my friends & family. Any suggestions on what to say? Or how to say it? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 why sugar coat it? just tell the truth,and let the pieces lie where they fall. Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 be honest with them Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Sorry, I disagree with other posters, depending on your kids' ages. It sounds to me like you are both trying to put as pleasant a face on the situation as possible. I understand that it is difficult, and painful, but it seems like you are trying to do things as nicely as possible. I also commend you for putting your children's wellbeing first - not all parents do that. I can only tell you that from my experience, only the very closest people in my life know the exact reasons my husband and I are splitting. Neither of us were angels, but neither were devils - we each played our part in the marriage dissolution, but I just happened to be the first to mention it. He and I discovered rather quickly that people seem to choose sides even if it isn't necessary. We decided early on that even if we wouldn't be married, we would still be a parental team, putting our child's needs first. We have already distanced ourselves from a few people who felt the need to talk behind our backs to the other. I would highly recommend that if your children are younger, leave the split as neutral. Try and maintain a friendly relationship with your ex, if for no other reason than to show your children how to handle this kind of situation. Even if they know it is painful, placing the reason for the split at your ex's feet will only taint their vision of their mother now (what a horrible mommy!), and may taint their vision of you later (i can't believe you would blame mom for that, what kind of father are you?). If you go around telling a lot of other people what really happened, it could get back to your children secondhand... not something a child should have to deal with. But I would recommend seeing a counselor, or confiding in one very close person. Working out your feelings will help you maintain a good relationship with your ex. I really wish you well - just keep putting the kids first and you should be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 how about... i would have liked for it to work out - but it just wasn't possible at this point. it's not a lie at all. it doesn't carry any animosity and shows the truth of the situation at hand. Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted April 16, 2009 Share Posted April 16, 2009 Good one, 2sunny. I should have added that when discussing my situation, if someone asks what happened, I say we just realized we were much better friends than we were husband and wife, and that we are very disappointed it didn't work out in the long run but we have no regrets (hey, we got a beautiful daughter out of it, it can't be a bad thing!). It is the truth without placing blame. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue7 Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 Thanks guys you are awesome. I've been away from my computer for a few days. The advice you suggested has really helped. At the moment, I am feeling horrible. I just see us going down a road that will never lead us back together. It's tough. The toughest part is that everyone I talked to has been encouraging & helpful. They have all said how I've done the right thing. I've been a good father, a good provider, even a good husband...but she is just hellbent on doing her thing. I've worked my behind off to have a beautiful house, provide a comfortable situation for my children, and now she is taring it all down. When all is said & done, I'll be in debt (just a little) my kids will be passed back & forth between us, their lives will be so much more stressful then they are use to. (ahh, i'm just so over it!) Link to post Share on other sites
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