Must break off affair, is honesty best?

[Trying2BAMan]

Hello there,

 

I've been lurking about for awhile and I need some feedback on the following letter (below). For background I'll tell you I've been engaged in an emotional affair for about two months now. It was one of those 20 year reunion things where I re-connected with a woman who during high school was more like a sister than anything else.

 

She's married to a man who she's been with since 14 and has three children. I have two little ones and have been married 12 years. She lives 300 miles away and we've only seen each other three or four time in those two months. The e-mails, phone calls and IMs have been flying back and forth three times a day. To cut to the chase, we've both professed our love, but I haven't been willing to go so far as to have sex (not that that really matters). Well here's the letter I plan to read to her. I'll be reading it as I don't want to send it over the internet without her having the ability to respond or ask questions. It's more for me to use as notes, so I say exactly what I need to.

 

->

Dearest Mary,

 

Let me preface this letter by telling you that my feelings for you have grown stronger and deeper every day. But that’s really irrelevant to our situation. It only makes this more difficult. As I’ve told you before, I’ve struggled with my self worth for years. I tried to convince myself that I was well adjusted and was smart enough to know where my self-esteem issues came from and that I could rise above that. But it will never go away completely, I will struggle with it until I leave this Earth. I can’t stop thinking about you, but when I do I think about my betrayal, I’m an adulterer, a cheater, a bad man. This isn’t really building up my self-esteem. I find it hard to look at my reflection in the mirror. I place no judgment on you because I know how long you’ve been unhappy. I don’t hold you responsible in any way, let’s make that perfectly clear.

 

We both know that this affair has no future. We both know that the further we take it the more it will make our marriages seem worse. Are we supposed to believe we can continue this way for eighteen years? Wait until my baby is grown and gone away on his own life? I will not have my children become victims of a divorce, ever. I’m not good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that our problems don’t amount to a hill of beans compared the well being of our families. I know you told me about your parents staying together for the children, and how it really wasn’t that great for you kids, but frankly you don’t have my experience to see it from. I just read a new study that followed divorced families for thirty years, and the kids were negatively affected for the rest of their lives. So what do we do.

 

Liza [my wife] is a good and loving person, I respect and admire her. Is this how I show that? It isn’t fair to her, she doesn’t deserve this. Just because I’m bored or long for passion? I can’t stop loving you, but I can stop what we’re doing, the secrets, the lies. I think we need to resign ourselves to a friendship before we cross that line that becomes more and more dim when I hold you in my arms. I hear it in your voice, I read it in your words, you want to be together with me so badly. And it’s just not going to happen. This can’t be doing your marriage any good. I told you once I was going to try and make things better in my own marriage and I can’t do that while I’m having an affair. I want my marriage to be happy again. I want to fulfill the promises I made twelve years ago.

 

There’s another person who is getting something she doesn’t deserve, and that’s you. How can I look at my reflection when I’m only giving you a small part of me, and never intend to give more. How can I say I truly love you, if I don’t set you free from this. It seems all I’ve done is bring you hurt time and time again. I’m not a rich man, I’m not ambitious, I have more faults than virtues, all I really had was my honor and that helped sustain me. It’s time for me to be a man, time for me to do something right even when it’s tearing me apart inside.

 

I’m not a Christian, not in the true sense. I don’t know if there is a God, I don’t have faith. But I believe in the teachings of Jesus and I know that this is wrong. And it’s selfish on my part. It’s cliché, but true, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If somehow we were together how could you trust me? You know 70% of marriages that form as a result of affairs fail.

 

So that’s it, laid out raw and bare. The question is this, can we be friends without the pain being too great. Would I be a ‘Player’ if I didn’t just cut off contact? I can’t stand the thought of not having you in my life in some way, but I will not continue to be a source of pain for you. I’m so sorry that I didn’t just nip this in the bud. I let my selfishness rule, I didn’t listen to my conscience. There aren’t words to describe how awful I feel. Liza never knew so I can live with that, but you, how could I have been so callous, so thoughtless? I hope that you will forgive me. I hope that you will find some way to rediscover the Bob [her husband] you fell in love with all those years ago. I don’t know what else to say, I feel so low. No one ever wins in these situations, I knew that and I still thought there might be a way. I guess there is some arrogance in me, or maybe it was just denial.

 

->

 

The feedback I would like is whether I should be honest with her, as I believe I have, or do I say something like, "I never really loved you and I don't ever want to see you again"? You know the cruel to be kind thing.

 

What I'm not asking for is any judgments as I have seen here before. There isn't anything you could call me that I haven't already. Thanks.

[Orwell]

No judgments here man. I feel for you, I've been there. I don't know what to tell you. I don't think you should play the cad and tell her things that aren't true. Seems like there've been enough lies. Seems like you're trying to come off as a victim of your own self-esteem problems. I think she's only going to want you more because you more. Good luck.

[Bird]

sounds good 2 me. well thought out.

[moonspinner]

The question is this, can we be friends without the pain being too great.

 

 

NO

 

 

The letter is good, but you have to disappear from each others lives if you want to stay married.

[bark]

The letter is good, but you have to disappear from each others lives if you want to stay married.

 

moonspinner is right. Get out now before it is too late.

 

There's no middle ground: stop all contact if you want this affair to end.

[Fancy]

I too, agree with Moonspinner. The letter is great. It sounds honest and sincere. You need to give it to her (or read it, whichever may be the case) and then cut ALL contact. Otherwise, the letter is worthless.

 

If you truly feel as your letter stated........if you have no intentions of leaving your wife and family and if you care enough about Mary to want her to have a good life too, then be done with this. Being friends is not an option.

[Arabess]

I LOVE your letter!! It's really refreshing to see a man break off an affair giving the other woman some dignity....rather than leaving her with no closure.

 

You are doing BOTH of you a favor by breaking it off. Very very little good comes out of an affair. Trying to stay distant friends may work. Then again, there are some ties which don't break easily. You may very well have to walk away and not look back.

[emailspy]

wow what honesty, It certainly sounds like you know what needs to be done and I've got to believe that both Mary and Liza will benefit from your plans.

[SoleMate]

Great letter. Don't blame her or anyone except yourself.

 

Just one idea. Could you type or print it, and leave off all names? That way it will not be as explosive a document if it is ever discovered.

 

Just with discretion in mind. Good luck!

[Faerie Princess]

is loving someone bad?

 

Maybe instead, telling your wife that you love someone, but have chosen to stay faithful to her is better. Maybe you can find with your wife some of what you've found with this someone?

 

Maybe you can be deep friends with the someone, and your wife can trust you and love you?

 

Maybe you can have your cake and eat it too?

 

Why does love have to be limited?

 

I'd talk to my wife, even if I planned on ending this interaction. If you've already been deceptive, maybe it's better to work that out, rekindle the passion in your established relationship first and foremost.

[Lytho]

Have you told your wife about your Emotional Affair and your feelings for this other woman? If not, you should because if you don't, the same things that drew you to this woman will resurface -- maybe with another woman. The next time it may be more involved, more intense, and cause even more damage to your marriage.

 

The old saying, "whatever she doesn't know won't hurt her" is bull. You have hurt your wife and your marriage even if you don't realize it now. Your wife will probably get over the emotional connection you felt to this other woman but the continued secrets/lies will destroy your marriage. Your wife deserves a husband that is willing to be "open and honest" about anything that affects her and your marriage. You would expect the same from her. Show your wife the respect she deserves.

 

I know what I am talking about. My husband had an affair twelve years ago and never told me. He began another one six years ago and never told me. By the time he told me that he was unhappy, he had been involved in three extramarital affairs - 2 sexual and 1 emotional -- with female co-workers. One of the sexual affairs lasted five years.

 

The hardest part for me has been the deception -- twelve years of lying and keeping secrets. My memories of twelve years of anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays that are now corrupted, knowing that he wasn't thinking of me -- that his heart was somewhere else.

 

Don't waste the time my husband did in telling me about his affairs. You may think your wife will never know -- that is what my husband thought -- but here I am having to deal with twelve years that will be lost forever.

[VivianLee]

I would not tell your wife for these reasons...

 

It's only lasted for 2 months....although intense, there's not been enough time to really connect and to have neglected your wife and family.

 

You didn't have sex, although I feel emotional affairs are probably the most hurtful in the mind of the person being cheated on, you still haven't shared the most intimate part of you. I really think that's a very important issue.....you haven't crossed that threshold yet! Thank goodness!!

 

This is a definite case of what she doesn't know won't hurt her!! I truly mean it, since this has been a very private situation, there's no way she can hear it through the grapevine. So you can protect her heart and not let her know your mistake.

 

If you tell her, then your marriage could get very bad (right now you're just experiencing a bit of a rut) and you would have her distrust and hurt to deal with on top of whatever lead you into this relationship.

 

You are doing the right thing by ending it!! You'll have to never talk to that person again to truly make it up to your wife or to get over her. You need to forgive yourself, no one is perfect we all make mistakes and the best way to make it right is to stop, never do it again and work with your wife to have an awesome marriage!!

 

I know you are going to miss the passion and excitement that you felt but what I've read on here from ALOT of people, the intense passion and excitement is part of the fact you are doing something secretive and wrong.....it may not be who the person is and what they mean to you as much as what you are feeling!

 

Find the passion and excitement in your marriage...women miss it too!! Romance your wife as if you have just met her and want to impress her. Don't burp, pass gas or kiss her with garlic on your breath....don't take for granted just because your married it's time to be comfortable to do those things....those are passion killers for women! Treat her like she is the most sexy thing you've ever seen in your life. Set up lovemaking session where candles, soft music and lingerie is involved....Date her!!

I truly believe no matter how long you've been married that if men and women would just stop getting so routine with their romance, the passion could last the lifetime of the marriage.....if you have kids, splurge for a sitter and then set a time for a date or lovemaking!!

 

Now gently break up with "Mary" let her get on with her life, stay far, far away from her (you will experience depression and will miss her for a while that's normal) and get ready to "resweep" the woman you love off her feet and enjoy the benefits of it!!

 

Again, confession may be good for the soul but it's crappy for the person that is hurt and has to forgive!! I would feel differently if this was a long term situation and that there was a way your wife could find out....but that's not the case!

 

Just an opinion!! Take care and good luck!! I personally hope for a happy ending for y'all!!

[Lytho]

Tell your wife!! You may rationalize that you are not telling so she won't get hurt but the "real" reason is because you don't want her to know in case you decide to reconnect to this other woman. You have exceeded the boundaries of your marriage -- even if there was no sexual contact. In order for the marriage to work, you can have no further contact with other woman -- you cannot remain "just friends" with her -- that's how it started.

 

By not telling your wife, you have made a decision that only she can make -- do I want to stay in this marriage knowing that my spouse has had an affair (emotional or otherwise)? You can't make this decision for her -- she is not a child. Since you have experienced this emotional "high" of an extramarital affair, your chances to repeat this behavior have increased, if not disclosed to spouse and you work through the problems together.

[BettyBoo]

I hugely admire your honesty and integrity in handling this matter. Once you deliver the letter you MUST break all contact with her. I think if you tell your wife and assure her that you did not allow it to develop it might be a time in which you can both look at your relationship. What was missing in your marriage that you found yourself relinking with this woman. Perhaps you have both got a little complacent and need to renew your marriage in some way.

 

Dishonesty in a marriage hurts it.. Long term it is like a cancer and it destroys. My boyfriend only told me after one year that he had an affair for two years 9prior to meeting me) with a woman who is still his friend. I felt very hurt that he did not tell me straight off and it has contaminated my view of the first year of our relationship. His keeping it secret from me felt like the affair was still continuing it was there little secret and I felt like a fool as she clearly wants him and is unhappy that he has met me.

 

Women pick up on things and don't be surprised if your wife has not already suspected.

[yogi-mon]

she has a right to know what you've been doing.

Then, you can thank your lucky stars too if she decides to keep you.

[lovestoeatspit]

don't be an asswipe and mess her life up anymore than you already having telling her might well make you feel better but Its gonna tear her apart for once think of her and not yourself

[Tahoe_insomniac]

Having been someone who has found out about an (brief) affair I can honestly say that if I had never found out it would have been much better.

 

The affair was over. But it still ripped apart the relationship. We are trying to sort through it.... but if it is over... the only thing that gets better is your own guilt.

 

If you genuinely mean to end what has happened and you want to continue with your loving relationship.... heal any other riffs how you like... but do not tell her what has happened. It will change everything forever... and you may not get over it.

 

Its true that you can forgive, but you can never forget... and in cases where you haven't done too much damage and you want things back the way they were.... ignorance is truely bliss for your other half.

[gecolon]

Sounds like you are trying to close the front door, but leave the back door open. If your marriage is going to make it you have to cut it off, point blank. I'm sorry, but I could hear you whining. I don't want to leave you, but I'm trying to be rightous. That sounds more like a he'll be back letter. It's over cuz it's over period. You don't need to tell her all that, and if you do it ain't over.

 

 

This is what your letter should say if you aren't still trying to leave the relationship open "just in case'.

 

Dear --------,

 

We both made a serious mistake. We forgot we were married. I just rememberd. Good-bye.

 

 

Yes, good bye, and mean it. Block her email address from reaching your inbox. Change your cell phone number, and block any other means of communication that you two may have. You can't be friends, you can't be anything but gone.

 

Good luck

[TheFaithfulWife]

Trying2bAMan,

 

Having been in your wifes place, I was moved to tears by your letter.

I think that the way you expressed yourself was wonderful.

 

My husband had an affair that almost destroyed our marriage only with Gods grace and counseling did we recover from the devastation.

 

I agree that your wife should be told, she probably has already guessed something was up.

 

Now the way you tell her is very important. I would take her away for a weekend and sit her down and say " Listen to what I have to say before you speak" I have made a big mistake and I am trying to remedy the situation before it gets out of control" " I have been corresponding with a woman and I feel that our emotions have gotten the better of us" " We have not had a physical relationship and I do not wish to" " I think I was searching for something that is missing in our marriage and I want to work on us finding that something again".

 

I would then tell her you want to maybe do some marriage counseling or maybe tell her you want to put some of the excitement and romance back into your lives.

I would then ask if she can forgive you.

 

I am not a man but if my husband had been in a correspodance situation with the woman he was with, this is what I would have liked to hear from him.

 

I think you are a good man, but have drifted off course.

Good luck

TheFaithfulWife

[reservoirdog1]

First of all, I'm a betrayed husband. TBXW had one affair right before our marriage, a second right after that lasted for months, and a third in 2000. The last one remained as an EA for a few years after that. I was totally oblivious to all of this until she confessed in August of 2003. She told me after she confessed that I now know everything. I'm not so sure; though I have no evidence, it wouldn't surprise me if there were some ONS as well. Doesn't matter much now, since we're separated and will be divorcing.

 

The point being, you can't help how you feel. You can't control who you fall in love with. However, you are absolutely and completely the master of your actions.

 

That being said, it sounds like you are doing the right thing, especially given that you haven't had sex with her. I agree with most of the other posters: tough as it may be, you have to break off all contact with this woman, now and forever. There isn't a middle ground. If TBXW and I were still working on our marriage, I would insist on that (she's still in contact with OM#3, though allegedly only in a platonic way). As long as you're working on it, anybody with whom you have had an EA or a PA is a cancer on the marriage. It's a stark choice, no doubt about it, but you have to decide which you want more: your marriage or your "friendship" with this woman.

 

Then, you have to tell your wife. It will hurt her, yes. I've heard that women are more threatened by an EA than by a PA, but either way, you have to tell her. She has to know so that, if any of your needs weren't being met and that let you to contemplate an affair, she can try to meet them.

 

Your contribution to this whole rebuilding effort must be to rededicate yourself to your marriage in every conceivable way. Make your life a completely open book. Give your wife passwords to all of your email accounts, so that she can check them whenever she wants. You can tell her you have nothing to hide until you're blue in the face, but where trust has been damaged, that's not enough. Your assurances must be independently verifiable.

 

Good luck man... you don't sound like a bad guy, just a regular guy who got too caught up in something but then realized what was happening. At least you're making efforts to stop it before it goes too far and more serious damage is done.