Why are people mean to generally nice people?

[Wonderlandless]

I don't get it, it absolutely blows my mind how often honestly nice, happy people get so much crap from others.

 

Any ideas/theories as to why?

[Tony T]

I don't get it, it absolutely blows my mind how often honestly nice, happy people get so much crap from others.

 

Any ideas/theories as to why?

 

Man, I would LOVE to have the answer to that one.....standing by along with you!

[RecordProducer]

Because it's not about the recipients.

[bluechocolate]

You present such a broad brush stroke that it's a difficult question to answer. But I'll have a go anyway !!

 

Some honestly nice happy people present as doormats & are therefore easy to walk over. They don't like to say no & they don't like to rock the boat.

 

Some honestly nice happy people really get up the noses of some people who are bitter & unhappy, for whatever reasons, & they want to drag people down to their level. "If I can't be happy no one else should be" - that kinda thing.

 

Any more takers ?

[Woggle]

It's a rough dog eat dog world.

[Tony T]

I've been puzzled by this for years...and NO MATTER what explanations are given and no matter how much they may sound valid I am always totally baffled by the concept of people returning kindness with shxt. Now, I actually do understand how in dating situations too much kindness too soon could be repulsive to the receiving party. However, this happens everywhere in all kinds of relationships outside of dating. It's totally nuts. Nice people get runned over. I simply don't understand it. What is wrong with people being nice to each other? If I were rich I would give millions of dollars for an explanation.

[Woggle]

That's just the way the world works. I don't like it but to survive you have to adapt to it.

[Meaplus3]

I think it has something to do with the nature of good people. They so good that others take advantage of them. I happen to be a very good person and this happens to me all the time.. so I guess I'm speaking from my own experience.

 

Mea:)

[Taramere]

I disagree that being kind and well mannered with people results in you getting the worst from them, but I do think that people will test it out rather than necessarily taking you at face value. Being pleasant and polite to people is kind and considerate. It isn't a free pass to the best the world has to offer...nor is it a reliable shield from the worst the world has to offer. Life and other people tend to expect a bit more from us (if we want to achieve something worthwhile) than simply a pleasant manner.

 

Strength of character, good intellect, skill in a particular field, courage - like it or not, all of these will often be deemed to be of higher value than sheer niceness on its own. That's not to say you shouldn't be a nice person - just don't expect it to give you an easy ride through life, or be regarded as full compensation for any failures in other areas. For example, failure to stand up for yourself in conflict.

 

If the person attacking you tends to employ niceness in a sycophantic way to protect themselves from attack or to get something they want, then they're more likely to perceive other people's niceness as being a similar manipulative mechanism. Others could be testing you out because they've been taken in and let down by superficially nice people-pleasers in the past. I think it's correct to establish your boundaries early on with those people, but I wouldn't necessarily take their testing-out strategies personally.

[Meaplus3]

I disagree that being kind and well mannered with people results in you getting the worst from them,

 

I strongly disagree! And the reason I disagree, is simply because I think that when those of questionable character see a very good natured person those types of people IMO tend to find fault in the good person because they wished they were more like them.. therefore they put them down in order to build themselves up.

 

 

but I do think that people will test it out rather than necessarily taking you at face value.

 

And the "Testing" so to speak is just more proof of their lack of inner peace.

 

Mea:)

[Trialbyfire]

Most people are multi-faceted, in that they have a nice side and a not-so-nice side. Sometimes people are so concerned about what other people think of them, that they put on a "nice person facade". Saying nice things all the time, does not equate to being a generally nice person. It's actions that matter.

 

Perhaps I'm cynical about people due to my line of business. Some of the worst things done, have been done by people deemed as "generally nice people".

[alphamale]

you have to know when to be nice and when to be mean...that, my friends, is normal

[carhill]

I don't bite, much

 

Seriously, OP, IMO it's an ego/self-esteem issue, in most instances predicated upon early nature/nurture as the brain is forming fully. IMO, manipulative people are formed in much the same way, as are good-hearted and "nice" people.

 

Also, IMO, I believe "mean" people are mean to everyone and it's just the "nice" people who are affected by it more, hence the difference is more clearly noted.

[knaveman]

I think it's because people tend to see niceness as a weakness. Actually we tend to see anything positive as a weakness. How often are rudeness, aggression, and anger rewarded?

 

I'm a fairly nice person, but I never get sh*t for it.

[quankanne]

your weakness theory is probably the best answer I could give, too, KM. Add to the mix a chronically unhappy person who can ONLY feel better about him/herself by torturing another with cruel behavior, and you see how that works.

[carhill]

How often are rudeness, aggression, and anger rewarded?

 

Yes, I absolutely without exception reward such behaviors with the black hole of indifference, or, if an especially bad mood, a few deleted expletives about their mother's loins

 

Nothing like a little push back to give an emotional bully pause....

[Taramere]

I strongly disagree! And the reason I disagree, is simply because I think that when those of questionable character see a very good natured person those types of people IMO tend to find fault in the good person because they wished they were more like them.. therefore they put them down in order to build themselves up.

 

I guess a lot depends on personal experience. When I think of times where I've been tested out by another person who regarded me as "nice", children I've worked with in the past come immediately to mind. They will often give out more crap to the "nice" staff, and I think they do it for a variety of reasons.

 

a) They're taking ill humour out on someone (or attempting to show off in front of peers). They think the "nice" member of staff will be more likely to take an understanding, forgiving approach. They're less afraid of that person.

 

b) They're not sure what that nice person's boundaries are. What they can get away with. How the "nice" staff member deals with conflict, anger and aggression (other people's and their own). They want to establish some clarity in regard to all this.

 

The nice person dilemma comes up time and time again, and almost invariably underlying a lot of "nice guys finish last/get all the crap" is a sense of resentment that being nice isn't always enough to get us the things we want, or ward off conflict and difficulties.

 

Most people are multi-faceted, in that they have a nice side and a not-so-nice side. Sometimes people are so concerned about what other people think of them, that they put on a "nice person facade". Saying nice things all the time, does not equate to being a generally nice person. It's actions that matter.

 

Perhaps I'm cynical about people due to my line of business. Some of the worst things done, have been done by people deemed as "generally nice people".

 

Agreed. I can't imagine ever saying to someone "I'm a nice, good person". They just have to make up their own minds about that. The best any of us can do is have some code of ethics that we attempt to adhere to, but it's impossible to be all things good to all people.

[alphamale]

I think it's because people tend to see niceness as a weakness. Actually we tend to see anything positive as a weakness.

as i stated earlier there is no reason why you can't be nice yet firm and confident. it does take intellect, education and common sense to pull it off, however.

[Trialbyfire]

Agreed. I can't imagine ever saying to someone "I'm a nice, good person". They just have to make up their own minds about that. The best any of us can do is have some code of ethics that we attempt to adhere to, but it's impossible to be all things good to all people.

Yes, that's exactly it. Give me someone with a strong code of ethics, balance and solid boundaries, over someone who can be pushed/pulled in any direction to "people please" or manipulate, for selfish reasons. What I've noticed of the latter type of people, is that they lean towards victim mentality. "I'm nice and people are so mean to me. It's everyone else's fault."

[Meaplus3]

Yes, that's exactly it. Give me someone with a strong code of ethics, balance and solid boundaries, over someone who can be pushed/pulled in any direction to "people please" or manipulate, for selfish reasons. What I've noticed of the latter type of people, is that they lean towards victim mentality. "I'm nice and people are so mean to me. It's everyone else's fault."

 

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding here. Are you saying that good natured people are always trying to please people? I don't think that's always the case. It may be true for some, but in most cases a person of pure goodness simply has a good heart and the art of beign nice comes natural to them. Now, If someone is beign nice due to their inner nature, then how does that make them a victim or people pleaser??

 

Wonder, IMO.. Anyone who is mean to a nice happy person just for the sake of it, has issues within themselves.

 

Mea:)

[Trialbyfire]

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding here. Are you saying that good natured people are always trying to please people? I don't think that's always the case. It may be true for some, but in most cases a person of pure goodness simply has a good heart and the art of beign nice comes natural to them. Now, If someone is beign nice due to their inner nature, then how does that make them a victim or people pleaser??

 

Wonder, IMO.. Anyone who is mean to a nice happy person just for the sake of it, has issues within themselves.

 

Mea:)

Mea, straight up, 9/10, I've found that people who pretend to be nice on the outside, aren't so nice on the inside. That doesn't mean that nice, happy people don't exist. They're just not in abundance.

 

I've only known one truly nice person IRL, where goodness shone through her, inside and outside. ALL her actions, meshed with her words.

[You'reasian]

Some people are generally more positive and kind spirited than others. People equate kindness to weakness and that draws predatory instincts from those who are predatory minded.

 

There are some truly kind and generous individuals who are that way most of the time because they chose to be, but are fierce when they have to be.

[Meaplus3]

Mea, straight up, 9/10, I've found that people who pretend to be nice on the outside, aren't so nice on the inside. That doesn't mean that nice, happy people don't exist. They're just not in abundance.

 

I've only known one truly nice person IRL, where goodness shone through her, inside and outside. ALL her actions, meshed with her words.

 

OK. But the topic was not about people who pretend to be nice. It was about honestly nice people. I agree there are plenty of people out there who prentend to be nice.. and yes I would agree that on the inside they are probably not very nice or happy. I guess I have known more genuine nice people than you. End of story. I hope you still love me?

 

Mea:)

[Wonderlandless]

Wow! You guys have really blown this topic up! Thanks for all your insight.

 

Now, let me throw a wrench into this: Say the genuinely nice person is also extremely attractive and pretty smart. Do you think that has a factor into the negative treatment as well?

[Trialbyfire]

OK. But the topic was not about people who pretend to be nice. It was about honestly nice people. I agree there are plenty of people out there who prentend to be nice.. and yes I would agree that on the inside they are probably not very nice or happy. I guess I have known more genuine nice people than you. End of story. I hope you still love me?

 

Mea:)

It's possible we have a different definition of what constitutes an honestly nice person.

 

None of this is personal, in any way, so I hope no one, including yourself is taking this personally. It's okay to have differing opinions!