Why are people mean to generally nice people?

[Taramere]

IMO, "nice" is a superficial way of dealing with things, which doesn't necessarily mean that you're a "good" person overall or could even be a manifestation of passive aggressiveness (in this, I agree with your paradigm); but then, too, nice could be a reflection of inner goodness (which is where I depart from you and TBF).

 

I don't think the fact that someone's nicely mannered automatically means that they're either weak or passive aggressive. I think I mentioned earlier in the thread that I think niceness or kindness is a lovely quality, but on its own it won't necessarily get a person far. It has to be combined with some level of personal presence.

 

It's the "I'm a nice person" thing that grates. I feel bad saying this, because I know that Mea did the "I'm a nice, good person" thing earlier on in the thread....and she genuinely does seem very sweet, as much as you can get a sense of anyone from a message board. So I wouldn't want her feeling any of this is directed at her - particularly as she was making those comments primarily to contribute to a thread about nice people getting taken a loan of.

 

I'll give a hypothetical to try to explain what I'm talking about. Meet Bob:

 

"Hi, I'm Bob. I'm a real nice guy. A family man. I play squash like a pro, barbeque chicken like a champ....Great dad, tried to be a fine husband - though my ex wife was a bit too caught up in some of her other activities to appreciate it - loving son, doting grandson, good neighbour etc etc."

 

If Bob's neighbour or colleague were saying all these things about Bob, then I'd think "wow...Bob sounds like someone I might want to meet. I can already feel my little heart going all a-tingle with outrage over the up-herself ex wife who didn't appreciate this great guy."

 

Word does tend to get around about genuinely nice people. They make others feel all warm inside. To the extent that others will do the "he/she's such a lovely person" PR for them. Not that they'd want PR, of course, because they're too nice and unassuming for that kind of thing.

 

But it's not a mutual acquaintance who's telling me these great things about Bob. It's Bob himself....and that throws the whole thing under an entirely different light. It makes me cringe inside....this man who's walking around with a pre-packaged opinion of himself that he wants to share with others. Almost like handing strangers a pearl framed photograph of himself in a soft focus "family man" pose.

 

I mean, I know it's the match.com generation and people perhaps feel they have to sell themselves. Perhaps the situation with his unappreciative ex-wife has knocked Bob's confidence down to the extent that his therapist has him involved in practising some "I am a good, decent person who deserves great things" mantra in front of the mirror each day. But all of it.....the pre-packaged self-assessment, positive thinking mantras, rampant egotism in match.com profiling. It just mildly horrifies me.

 

I like wonderful people. I adore them....but I really would prefer not to hear directly from them how wonderful they are.

[Jake Barnes]

I don't think the fact that someone's nicely mannered automatically means that they're either weak or passive aggressive. I think I mentioned earlier in the thread that I think niceness or kindness is a lovely quality, but on its own it won't necessarily get a person far. It has to be combined with some level of personal presence.

 

It's the "I'm a nice person" thing that grates. I feel bad saying this, because I know that Mea did the "I'm a nice, good person" thing earlier on in the thread....and she genuinely does seem very sweet, as much as you can get a sense of anyone from a message board. So I wouldn't want her feeling any of this is directed at her - particularly as she was making those comments primarily to contribute to a thread about nice people getting taken a loan of.

 

I'll give a hypothetical to try to explain what I'm talking about. Meet Bob:

 

"Hi, I'm Bob. I'm a real nice guy. A family man. I play squash like a pro, barbeque chicken like a champ....Great dad, tried to be a fine husband - though my ex wife was a bit too caught up in some of her other activities to appreciate it - loving son, doting grandson, good neighbour etc etc."

 

If Bob's neighbour or colleague were saying all these things about Bob, then I'd think "wow...Bob sounds like someone I might want to meet. I can already feel my little heart going all a-tingle with outrage over the up-herself ex wife who didn't appreciate this great guy."

 

Word does tend to get around about genuinely nice people. They make others feel all warm inside. To the extent that others will do the "he/she's such a lovely person" PR for them. Not that they'd want PR, of course, because they're too nice and unassuming for that kind of thing.

 

But it's not a mutual acquaintance who's telling me these great things about Bob. It's Bob himself....and that throws the whole thing under an entirely different light. It makes me cringe inside....this man who's walking around with a pre-packaged opinion of himself that he wants to share with others. Almost like handing strangers a pearl framed photograph of himself in a soft focus "family man" pose.

 

I mean, I know it's the match.com generation and people perhaps feel they have to sell themselves. Perhaps the situation with his unappreciative ex-wife has knocked Bob's confidence down to the extent that his therapist has him involved in practising some "I am a good, decent person who deserves great things" mantra in front of the mirror each day. But all of it.....the pre-packaged self-assessment, positive thinking mantras, rampant egotism in match.com profiling. It just mildly horrifies me.

 

I like wonderful people. I adore them....but I really would prefer not to hear directly from them how wonderful they are.

In writing there's a phrase "show, don't tell". In the context of writing it means reveal things to your reader through action and dialogue instead of telling them the story in strict narrative format. That way you can convey the characters of your story in a way that doesn't seem phony.

 

In the Bible also (im not a Bible-thumper by any means) Jesus often compares the conspicuously pious people who have stone-cold hearts to the sinners who have a genuine affection for those suffering around them

 

The analogies arent perfect, but I think they speak for themselves better than I could further deconstruct here

[White Flower]

I don't get it, it absolutely blows my mind how often honestly nice, happy people get so much crap from others.

 

Any ideas/theories as to why?

The answer may be simple but it will tick you off. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who are nice and those who take advantage of nice people. The 'takers' can sense it in you. A friend of mine would say, 'They take advantage of you because they can, it's a dog eat dog world.'

 

So, even though nice people don't deserve it, they will be hurt or taken advantage of.

 

OTOH, bad people DO deserve to be hurt but usually they are so swift in seeing it coming they avoid it. Sometimes they get it anyway.

[You'reasian]

The answer may be simple but it will tick you off. There are two kinds of people in this world: those who are nice and those who take advantage of nice people. The 'takers' can sense it in you. A friend of mine would say, 'They take advantage of you because they can, it's a dog eat dog world.'

 

So, even though nice people don't deserve it, they will be hurt or taken advantage of.

 

OTOH, bad people DO deserve to be hurt but usually they are so swift in seeing it coming they avoid it. Sometimes they get it anyway.

 

On a sligthyl unrelated note, I've been told that well-trained animals (pets) can sense malicious people from good natured ones.

[kizik]

Mean people are jealous of nice people's inherent happiness.

 

As a nice person, I just remove myself from the meanies. Bye! is what I say. It's not too complicated.

 

I'd rather be alone with my "nice" self than in the company of a bitter jerk.

[Taramere]

In writing there's a phrase "show, don't tell". In the context of writing it means reveal things to your reader through action and dialogue instead of telling them the story in strict narrative format. That way you can convey the characters of your story in a way that doesn't seem phony.

 

I know. I love books where you're encouraged to have positive or negative feelings about a particular character at the beginning, then as the story draws out your feelings about them start doing a u-turn.

 

The ultimate evil "nice guy" for me has to be Ellsworth Toohey from the Fountainhead. I first read it just after becoming qualified for one of the quintessential do-gooder professions and it kept me awake at night, even though I knew that the writer was completely manipulating the reader to further her own philosophy.

 

"Ellsssssssworth Toohey's niece. Hahahahahahahaha!"

 

Edit: Excerpt from a character analysis which sums up what I feel about this whole topic:

 

Katie serves to illustrate an important aspect of Ayn Rand’s philosophy. Her sweetness, innocence, and good nature are inadequate to protect her from Toohey’s evil. She was a conventional person, dutifully following her family and her uncle, not too ambitious, not committed to living by her own judgment or pursuing her own dreams. Her lack of independence—her unwillingness to bear the responsibility of sustained, self-initiated thought—costs her the loss of her soul. An uncritical emotional sweetness of disposition is insufficient to gain a person happiness or to protect her against evil. She needs to use her own mind to think for herself.

[serial muse]

Edit: Excerpt from a character analysis which sums up what I feel about this whole topic:

 

I almost like that passage enough to make me rethink my low opinion of Ayn Rand.

 

Almost.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

I've been blindsided by "nice people".

 

I'm actually hold back a bit when someone is very nice...I often find they have these unspoken contracts/expectations of you (that you aren't even aware of and never asked for), and when they don't get fulfilled, the "nice person" can turn into a raging c**t.

 

It's unsettling.

 

Just my experience.

[Trialbyfire]

I've been blindsided by "nice people".

 

I'm actually hold back a bit when someone is very nice...I often find they have these unspoken contracts/expectations of you (that you aren't even aware of and never asked for), and when they don't get fulfilled, the "nice person" can turn into a raging c**t.

 

It's unsettling.

 

Just my experience.

Passive-aggressives tend to come across as "nice" people because they rarely, if never, confront or stand up for what they believe. One thing about PAs is that they're not always nice people inside and it will come out in ways that blindside you.

 

One consistency I've noticed about some PAs, is that they lack internal boundaries.

[Taramere]

I almost like that passage enough to make me rethink my low opinion of Ayn Rand.

 

Almost.

 

Haha. I understand that. In some ways, her work is like one enormous rationale for narcissism. On the other hand...remember Mr "What sport to see you almost fall off the back of the motorbike into the path of a speeding lorry?" He hated her, so I figure on that basis alone she couldn't have been all bad.

[OldEurope]

I know. I love books where you're encouraged to have positive or negative feelings about a particular character at the beginning, then as the story draws out your feelings about them start doing a u-turn.

 

The ultimate evil "nice guy" for me has to be Ellsworth Toohey from the Fountainhead. I first read it just after becoming qualified for one of the quintessential do-gooder professions and it kept me awake at night, even though I knew that the writer was completely manipulating the reader to further her own philosophy.

 

"Ellsssssssworth Toohey's niece. Hahahahahahahaha!"

 

Edit: Excerpt from a character analysis which sums up what I feel about this whole topic:

 

I loved The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged--Dagney is my gal...

 

There is the scene in TF where Elsworth Toohey, ulimate "selfless humanitarian" finally breaks down and screams, Power! It's power I want!...Priceless!

 

OE

[Nikki Sahagin]

What constitutes a nice person?

 

I think, as others have said, that its a dog eat dog world. Society seems to reward those that are powerful, assertive, aggressive and can do a certain amount of treading on the toes of others, to get where they need to be. Society doesn't tend to reward the nice, harmless, almost fluffy individual. Again as people have said, that niceness, if coupled with firmness, directness or confidence, is a POWERFUL combination that will open many doors. But I think many nice people, do not know how to be forceful, direct or to ask for what they want.

 

But there are different types of nice people;

 

* the manipulative nice person - i.e. always suspect the quiet ones / dark horse types

 

* the nice person who is nice to avoid conflict or argument

 

* a genuinely nice person

 

* a generally passive person

 

* a person who does not know how to stand up for themselves

 

* a person who does not know what they want

 

* a person who lacks fulfillment and so seeks validation from others - the 'niceness' achieves this

 

* a person who feels the need to allign themselves to others in some way - again, niceness enables this

 

I also see myself as a 'nice person' but I know I have my manipulative side. I also have some of the strongest and some of the most controversial opinions of anyone I know, but I don't always reveal them. I am not one of the loud, aggressive ones. I don't always stick up for myself but I don't always know how to. I think being nice is one thing but its difficult to then learn how to balance sticking up for yourself with being nice.

 

But the question as to why people 'pick on' nice people - - - many reasons;

 

* its easy

* as people have said, to test the boundaries

* envy towards the nice person

* exert their power over others

 

I mean really, who would you take on? Another w***** or the unassuming nice girl/nice guy?

[kizik]

I mean really, who would you take on? Another w***** or the unassuming nice girl/nice guy?

 

Rrrright... but if you're choosing targets that way, that's still really, really f*cked up.

 

Other than that, I like your post Nikki.

[Isolde]

Nikki Sahagin, that's a good list.

 

No one is truly without some selfish motives in their behavior but there's a scale.

 

I TOTALLY fall into the category of people who are nice 1) because being nice is pleasant for myself and others but also 2) because they're somewhat too eager to align themselves with others and therefore avoid conflict. This is both a good and a bad thing.