Addressing porn in a relationship?

[fral945]

With all the problem porn threads, I’d like to ask a question that is more geared to how it is addressed at the beginning of a relationship.

 

For the women, I have two questions:

 

1) How do you generally find out about your bf’s porn use when starting a new relationship or dating someone new (assuming he uses it)?

 

a) He tells you upfront without you asking

b) You bring the subject up (or ask directly) and he admits to it

c) You discover it accidentally

d) You discover it by snooping

e) Other

 

2) For those women that are against a man they date using porn, how soon do you address the issue when dating? And how do you address it?

[JackJack]

This is a good post! I do think alot of the porn threads I've seen lately are women whose spouses or b/f's did NOT know they were into porn OR, their spouse or b/f lied about it, then later on found out. I do think with so many people having porn issues these days, IT IS something that really does need to be a topic of discussion at some point in a relationship. I would say from the beginning.

[Lizzie60]

I never had a problem with porn before...

 

I would never address this issue.. it's not my business what he does in his free time.. unless, of course, he becomes consumed with it... and our relationship suffers from it..

 

Porn could be good.. in small doses I guess. A N Y T H I N G.. can be bad if it becomes an addiction..

[PandorasBox]

With porn being a issue between lots of couples, yes, its good to address the issue.

[Jersey Shortie]

In my experience men either out right lie to your face about porn use or try to downplay it or tell you half truths so that they can conjole you into being more accepting of it. I love the classic "just watch it with me!". Yeah, me watching you get a hard on over other women really makes me feel good about you and being intimate with you. What a joke it can be. I think alot of men have let porn fantasies and porn sex replace tru real intimacy with a real woman. I actually think alot of men are weakly incapable of having truly intimate relationships and subsitute porn for it instead. It might feel like "intimacy", but it's really not. Kind of sucks in today's world how over satuerated men are with pornography. Pretty depressing.

[fral945]

JS,

 

Thanks for responding but nothing you said directly answered my questions.

[Jersey Shortie]

1) How do you generally find out about your bf’s porn use when starting a new relationship or dating someone new (assuming he uses it)?

 

 

 

Err, yeah it did: In my experience men either out right lie to your face about porn use or try to downplay it or tell you half truths so that they can conjole you into being more accepting of it.

[thewingwoman]

I have no issues with porn... Which is why I guess I go into new relationships or dating situations assuming that he watches it. It usually gets brought up in a fun, light-hearted kinda conversation where we are joking about it. I've never had a situation where a guy didn't watch porn, or one that so much as lied and told me he didn't. Maybe that's why I just assume all of them do. And I guess I've never had anyone lie about it because I'm obviously pretty accepting of it.

 

As was said, porn isn't a horrible thing until it becomes an addition of sorts. Actually, I believe it could be a positive thing, as long as it's in moderation. Hell, I've always been kind of relieved to know my guy was sitting at home watching women he'll never have instead of out with some other woman that lives nearby.

[c-riouz]

I've always been kind of relieved to know my guy was sitting at home watching women he'll never have instead of out with some other woman that lives nearby.

 

I've never understood this argument . Are those the only two options you have? He either watches porn or cheats? Puh-leez. No wonder so many men feel like having a free pass. As to the answer to the OP's question: 1a. He brought it up, how I felt about it, we talked about it and worked it out. I don't feel like having sex with a man who watches porn, it turns me off, so I agree with JS - watching porn is not a good way to motivate the woman to have sex with you. Put the energy you put into porn into the woman you claim to love instead - the relationship will certainly benefit from it.

[JackJack]

I've always been kind of relieved to know my guy was sitting at home watching women he'll never have instead of out with some other woman that lives nearby.

 

I've never understood this argument . Are those the only two options you have? He either watches porn or cheats? Puh-leez. No wonder so many men feel like having a free pass. As to the answer to the OP's question: 1a. He brought it up, how I felt about it, we talked about it and worked it out. I don't feel like having sex with a man who watches porn, it turns me off, so I agree with JS - watching porn is not a good way to motivate the woman to have sex with you. Put the energy you put into porn into the woman you claim to love instead - the relationship will certainly benefit from it.

 

Most people will find some kind of justification in their actions. Its kind of like someone saying..."Things could be worse...at least my spouse is verbally abusing me than physically abusing me."

 

You're right, if people would put half as much energy and effort into their relationship with their spouse/partner, then the relationships might have a chance. For some people putting energy into a relationship is to much for them, so those are the ones who probably should not be in a relationships, espcially a committed one, and should be left to their computer screens. Alot of people's priorities are out of order too.

[thewingwoman]

I've always been kind of relieved to know my guy was sitting at home watching women he'll never have instead of out with some other woman that lives nearby.

 

I've never understood this argument . Are those the only two options you have? He either watches porn or cheats? Puh-leez. No wonder so many men feel like having a free pass. As to the answer to the OP's question: 1a. He brought it up, how I felt about it, we talked about it and worked it out. I don't feel like having sex with a man who watches porn, it turns me off, so I agree with JS - watching porn is not a good way to motivate the woman to have sex with you. Put the energy you put into porn into the woman you claim to love instead - the relationship will certainly benefit from it.

 

I didn't say it was the only options. Like I said, I have no problem with porn, so of course, I'd feel better about it. Unless it's an addiction, I've never seen any poor effects of porn on any of my relationships. If he were to blow me off to watch porn, yeah that'd probably raise some issues. But most of the time, men watch porn when they don't have the option to be with their women. Atleast in my experience.

[fral945]

Let’s try to keep this on topic, please. This is quickly turning into another thread about whether porn is good or bad. If you don't want to address the questions in the original post please refrain from responding or start another thread. Thanks.

[Jersey Shortie]

It usually gets brought up in a fun, light-hearted kinda conversation where we are joking about it.

 

That's actually an interesting comment and seemingly very innocent. Bare with me at explaining this and it's in no means to say your wrong or pick on you.

 

Just from my own observations, I realize that when porn is brought up, it's often done so in just as you described, light-hearted attempt at joking. The old "poke, poke, of course he looks at porn" mentality. Physcologically, it's interesting because porn is such a sensitive topic in reality. People feel the need to treat it with kid gloves when bringing it up. Not just because of the people that might not agree with it but even the people that do I think feel a certain amount of shame about it. Not because of society and their parents and old school ideas that sex is bad, but I think because on an intrinsic level, people do understand that porn really ain't as good as they might preach.

 

Alot of time people (and really in my experience, men do this more then women), try to over play the casualness of porn and it's importance in their life. Light hearted jokes that are made over and over again at an attempt to lighten a subject that often boils down to serious topics of fidelity, expectations, treatment of the other gender in relationships and sex. Many men might joke about it, but many men appear to be pretty serious about their like for it and wanting it in their life. Just from my observations. THe joking I think hides deeper meanings for alot of people.

[JackJack]

Let’s try to keep this on topic, please. This is quickly turning into another thread about whether porn is good or bad. If you don't want to address the questions in the original post please refrain from responding or start another thread. Thanks.

 

I'll try to bring it back to topic if I can.

 

I was on this site before my wife and I got married. I saw many porn thread's on here then too. It was brought up by ME. I asked her if she enjoyed it herself? She said she had seen some here and there and it wasn't a major deal to her.

 

I told her, I'd seen my share in my life, and I could take it or leave it. Yes, we've watched it before together for some spice, nothing major. Like I said I could take it or leave it, as could she. I've never really seen the importance of it myself. I did more so when I wasn't dating anyone. Not that I never used it while in a realtionship, but it just took back seat to my real life relationships, and probably always will.

[serial muse]

I think this is a really good question, fral.

 

In my experience, it's usually been c) - I'd discover it by accident. And yeah, I think that seriously sucks and sets up a bad situation. I've never raised the issue in a relationship out of the blue, without discovering it; I think my default assumption has generally been that (assuming the sex is going well), he'd tell me or it's not happening, until I'm confronted with evidence that it is. Naive, I guess.

 

I think the secrecy often has to do with shame - and I can understand that it can hard to talk about something like this openly with your partner. But hiding it makes it seem much more nefarious than it generally is. I think there are people who become obsessed with it, perhaps obsessed with fantasy and with a certain type of body/ethnicity/gender/whatever. But the vast majority of porn use is probably pretty innocuous.

 

However, the manner in which it plays into the relationship can be really destructive - from both people. I'm guilty of getting angry over discovering porn. Some of it is insecurity and fear over my own inadequacy, definitely. Some of it is anger, because I HATE the way in which I found out (for example, viruses on the computer, popups, etc.) Some of it is sadness at the distance that lying/hiding things can create in the relationship. It's not a one-person problem; both people contribute.

 

So I agree that how the two people deal with it is key. But I don't think there's an easy solution to that, because society, too, plays a role - women do get a lot of messages about how they're supposed to look/behave from society in order to please men, and porn plays directly into those fears that they'll never measure up. And men do get the message that they're being cruel/evil for looking at porn, even though, as I said, for the most part it's really pretty innocuous. I don't know what the answer is, except maybe not to dismiss the other person's feelings out of hand. But that can be hard, when you're fixated on your own fears.

[Enema]

My most recent ex-gf used to snoop.

 

Then she tried banning it. I said no.

Then she tried imposing rules:

- Only keep <10 videos

- Don't get porn with women that look very different to me

I said no.

Then she wanted to replace my porn with "our" porn. I said no.

Then she gave the ultimatum: porn or me!

 

Anyhooo, she became an Ex of course and now I'm married to a woman that isn't crazy.

[Els]

I watch porn and don't have a problem with my bf watching porn as long as it doesn't interfere with our sex life.

 

So OP, my answer is, none of the above. There was no 'interrogation' or 'admitting'. Very early in the relationship, we were just talking about our sexual preferences and how each of us gets off... and it led into that.

 

Honestly, it was nearly like discussing each of our favourite movies! Except a bit more... exciting.

[fral945]

In my experience, it's usually been c) - I'd discover it by accident. And yeah, I think that seriously sucks and sets up a bad situation. I've never raised the issue in a relationship out of the blue, without discovering it; I think my default assumption has generally been that (assuming the sex is going well), he'd tell me or it's not happening, until I'm confronted with evidence that it is. Naive, I guess.

 

Do you still go by that assumption? And if so, why are you still hesitant to bring it up? Why not bring it up early on since it bothers you when you discover it by accident?

 

Personally, I’ve never had a women I’ve dated ask me directly whether or not I use porn (I think they are either too shy to ask or assume I don’t [like you do] because the sex is good and frequent), but I would be honest in saying I look at it if asked. And if they told me early on they wouldn’t date someone who did I would be honest as well. I understand it may be awkward, but I think it is a bad idea for women to assume men don’t look at porn or stick their heads in the sand. I usually assume if a woman doesn’t ask about it she either doesn’t care or doesn’t have a problem with it.

[serial muse]

Do you still go by that assumption? And if so, why are you still hesitant to bring it up? Why not bring it up early on since it bothers you when you discover it by accident?

 

Personally, I’ve never had a women I’ve dated ask me directly whether or not I use porn (I think they are either too shy to ask or assume I don’t [like you do] because the sex is good and frequent), but I would be honest in saying I look at it if asked. And if they told me early on they wouldn’t date someone who did I would be honest as well. I understand it may be awkward, but I think it is a bad idea for women to assume men don’t look at porn or stick their heads in the sand. I usually assume if a woman doesn’t ask about it she either doesn’t care or doesn’t have a problem with it.

 

To be honest, it's not that I'm "sticking my head in the sand," it's that I don't think about it. I wouldn't say I'm assuming anything one way or the other; I'm just not looking for problems. But for argument's sake, I'd like to ask why you think the woman should be the one to introduce the topic? It's as incumbent upon him as it is upon me to address it, as coming to an understanding is equally for the comfort of both. Thus, one could take the same tack and ask, why wouldn't the man just say matter-of-factly, "look, honey, I like to look at porn from time to time; can we figure out how to keep that from being a problem?"

 

As I said, I think both partners may have issues with it, although the women's may be more obvious and easier to target; unlike Enema, who seems to have a rather pragmatic approach, one or two of the guys I've dated were downright embarrassed and defensive about it (not because of me, but because they felt like it was "wrong" and didn't want to talk about it in the open.) It's not just a problem for women - men get weird messages from society, too. Let me put it this way. My current BF has looked at porn, of course. I found it by accident (it was my computer). He was embarrassed about it, and became very defensive. It became a fight; but it was only a fight because we were both working through our individual fears and weren't able to empathize with what the other was feeling at that point. But that doesn't change the fact that raising the issue at all is not likely to go anywhere good for many women, if the guy doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I see that on these boards, too, when the topic comes up - for guys, it's just "why can't she just deal with it?" - for some that might just be an unwillingness to see things from another's point of view; for others, that might just be an unwillingness to talk about something that the man himself finds kind of difficult to discuss and would rather sweep under the rug. Either way, it becomes the woman's problem alone, and I don't think that's a good way to conduct a relationship.

 

To me, that is the crux of the matter. This is not just about women needing to get over it; what I was trying to say is that there are many factors involved, including his fears, her fears, society's pressures. Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who just threw up his hands and said it wasn't his problem. If he can't bring himself to even try to empathize or understand where I'm coming from - about porn or any other deeply felt emotional issue - then I don't think we'd suit.

[Adunaphel]

With all the problem porn threads, I’d like to ask a question that is more geared to how it is addressed at the beginning of a relationship.

 

For the women, I have two questions:

 

1) How do you generally find out about your bf’s porn use when starting a new relationship or dating someone new (assuming he uses it)?

 

a) He tells you upfront without you asking

b) You bring the subject up (or ask directly) and he admits to it

c) You discover it accidentally

d) You discover it by snooping

e) Other

 

2) For those women that are against a man they date using porn, how soon do you address the issue when dating? And how do you address it?

 

Since porn is an issue for me, I tend to bring up the subject asap.

I usually say in the lightest and more calm way I can manage something along the lines of "btw, I have porn issues, meaning that it deeply bothers me. If I am away or we are in a LDR I can understand that my partner might look at porn from time to time, but the thought makes me not jump for joy. The idea of my partner using it basically turns me off and I feel hurt at the idea of him getting turned on using pictures of other women. I guess that if he were smart enough to convince me that he is turned on by the sex, and not by the girls in the porn, it might be different, and I might be less bothered by it. Anyway, I love men who do not like or "need" porn."

 

I usually try to talk about it before snooping. But I am a bit of a snooper anyway.

[Lydz]

Im in my first ever relationship (being only young) that has lastest a year so far.

 

I wouldnt leave it too long into the relationship to bring the subject up just as long as i was confident we were both honestly in love with eachother.

 

And that's what i did. Id say it was answer b) however my boyfriend said he'd watched it before when he was single but won't be doing it now (id said it would hurt my feelings getting turned on by another woman bla bla) but he went and did it anyway. I found out in a horrible way (he'd said no dont come round but i did and to my horror found out why he didnt want to see me!) Therefore its probably answer e).

 

Im guessin he was just too ashamed to tell me at the beginning when i brought it up that he would like to watch it. Anyhow i've asked him again if there's a chance he'l still watch it because if he wants to id rather he tell the truth than continue to do it behind my back and he AGAIN has said no he wont. I wont be surprised if i find him doing it again to be honest. Gutted.

[fral945]

But for argument's sake, I'd like to ask why you think the woman should be the one to introduce the topic? It's as incumbent upon him as it is upon me to address it, as coming to an understanding is equally for the comfort of both. Thus, one could take the same tack and ask, why wouldn't the man just say matter-of-factly, "look, honey, I like to look at porn from time to time; can we figure out how to keep that from being a problem?"

 

I don’t think the woman has to unless she has a problem with it. If she does, then it is her responsibility to ask. If I have an issue that is common to women then I would generally ask early on (or at the very least state my feelings about it). I would think a woman who is against porn would want to know early on whether or not her SO watches it or not. It makes no sense to wait for him to volunteer and/or be hurt later on.

 

If a woman is not against it or indifferent about it then it really isn’t an issue unless it is to the point of addiction.

 

As I said, I think both partners may have issues with it, although the women's may be more obvious and easier to target; unlike Enema, who seems to have a rather pragmatic approach, one or two of the guys I've dated were downright embarrassed and defensive about it (not because of me, but because they felt like it was "wrong" and didn't want to talk about it in the open.) It's not just a problem for women - men get weird messages from society, too. Let me put it this way. My current BF has looked at porn, of course. I found it by accident (it was my computer). He was embarrassed about it, and became very defensive. It became a fight; but it was only a fight because we were both working through our individual fears and weren't able to empathize with what the other was feeling at that point. But that doesn't change the fact that raising the issue at all is not likely to go anywhere good for many women, if the guy doesn't want to talk about it.

 

I agree, and that is why I generally don’t raise it unless a woman tells me specifically it is a problem. I don’t think you should assume your partner will know what might bother you. Based on the responses so far, there seems to be a split between women who are and women who aren’t bothered by it.

 

I see that on these boards, too, when the topic comes up - for guys, it's just "why can't she just deal with it?" - for some that might just be an unwillingness to see things from another's point of view; for others, that might just be an unwillingness to talk about something that the man himself finds kind of difficult to discuss and would rather sweep under the rug. Either way, it becomes the woman's problem alone, and I don't think that's a good way to conduct a relationship.

 

To me, that is the crux of the matter. This is not just about women needing to get over it; what I was trying to say is that there are many factors involved, including his fears, her fears, society's pressures. Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who just threw up his hands and said it wasn't his problem. If he can't bring himself to even try to empathize or understand where I'm coming from - about porn or any other deeply felt emotional issue - then I don't think we'd suit.

 

My goal here is to figure out how men and women can address porn in a civil manner and not let things get to the point of snooping or accidental discoveries. I agree it may be difficult, but someone needs to extend the olive branch first, and IMO women are probably going to have to do it. I don’t think it is going to be men because they are scared to talk about it (for the reasons you stated above).

[Juniper22]

I think my biggest issue would be, if it were brought up, regardless by who...but if he said he DIDN"T watch it when he really did. Don't lie about it, be straight up and upfront. It wouldn't be just about porn either...if any kind of topic was brought up and they felt the need to lie about something no matter what the topic was, then they can find another...I don't have time for games.

[fral945]

Juniper22,

 

What has been your personal experience with men? I'd like to know your answers to my OP (or just the 1st question if #2 doesn't apply to you).

[serial muse]

I don’t think the woman has to unless she has a problem with it. If she does, then it is her responsibility to ask. If I have an issue that is common to women then I would generally ask early on (or at the very least state my feelings about it). I would think a woman who is against porn would want to know early on whether or not her SO watches it or not. It makes no sense to wait for him to volunteer and/or be hurt later on.

 

If a woman is not against it or indifferent about it then it really isn’t an issue unless it is to the point of addiction.

 

 

 

I agree, and that is why I generally don’t raise it unless a woman tells me specifically it is a problem. I don’t think you should assume your partner will know what might bother you. Based on the responses so far, there seems to be a split between women who are and women who aren’t bothered by it.

 

 

 

My goal here is to figure out how men and women can address porn in a civil manner and not let things get to the point of snooping or accidental discoveries. I agree it may be difficult, but someone needs to extend the olive branch first, and IMO women are probably going to have to do it. I don’t think it is going to be men because they are scared to talk about it (for the reasons you stated above).

 

De facto, you're right - it probably will have to be the woman who brings it up in the majority of cases. I understand that that's how things are likely to work, but you know, that doesn't make it fair or right. Sigh, I guess.

 

As I said, I just don't think it's a matter of "bring it up if it's a problem to you" - because, just as you note that not all women feel the same way about porn, I note that not all men feel the same way. And that was the point I was trying to make, fral - you may think that it's easiest if the woman does the olive branch thing, but trust me when I say that that is asking a LOT.

 

It's not just about being willing to break a barrier first. What I am trying to get across is that there are men who do NOT want to talk about it...and who will therefore not only make it difficult to discuss, but will heap double blame on the woman for bringing it up in the first place and making them feel bad. Which makes the woman feel not only insecure but also a nag, which makes the man feel both defensive and a heel, which...you get the picture. Bad cycle. Is the woman alone responsible for the emotions they both feel? Of course not. But you're saying she should be the one to navigate the minefield on her own, at least initially - read her guy's mind to figure out how he feels about it and how to broach the issue. Not a small thing to ask. Is it any wonder many women shy away from it - especially considering they're already feeling iffy about porn and what it means about the relationship? I mean, yeesh.

 

I'm sure this would be a lot easier for many guys if women just didn't care about porn in the first place. But the fact is, many do and that isn't going to change, any more than men wanting to look at it is going to change. So it would help if everyone would be willing to roll up their sleeves and talk with their partners on it. And that starts with empathy and listening. I don't actually think that's too much to ask.

 

That said, plenty of women who have a problem with porn aren't willing to listen to the man's point of view, and are just going to accuse, accuse, accuse out of fear - and that's supremely unhelpful as well. Both sides need to be willing to listen and empathize.