Questions on divorce

[CM2009]

My other Post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t186034/

 

 

Hello all, I'm a very strong christian believer. I believe in all things in Christ. My wife and I are having a tough time with marriage we've been seperated for about a month, she seriously thinking about divorce. I know at times I wasn't the best husband I couldn've been. I was laid off from work, money was funny, my wife had a stroke and she was only 33, I wasn't supportive as I should've been, and at times I didn't take care of my wife like I should have, but I always made the effort and we found away to make it through the rough times. Now my wife is seriously pondering divorce, I don't want a divorce because I felt we made a commitment to the Lord that we'll be their through thick and thin, sickness and health (which we had already went through and I was there for her) it just seems as if she's given up. I've always been into the word of Christ, I use to read at least 2 a week and go to church on Sundays. Now recently I've been into my word like almost 5 times a week maybe even 6, I pray constantly for myself, my wife and our marriage.

 

Now my question is how can I show my wife that I've changed even though we're not living together, and what can I do to salvage this marriage before the D-word comes into play. We have kids involved but they are from her and a different relationship, so I have no baggage with me and me leaving won't affect any actual child of mines. But I do want us to work it out. Honestly any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks

[disgracian]

Maybe less time praying, more time actively working on trying to revive your marriage. I don't mean to sound glib, but if you lock yourself in your house and do nothing but pray (not saying you're actually going this far, it's just to make a point) then from her perspective it's not going to look like you're actually doing anything.

 

If, on the other hand, her mind is made up and you realise this, may as well start getting used to the idea now. Denial is more comfortable, but it's going to leave you totally unprepared.

 

Cheers,

D.

[CM2009]

What do you mean by actively, I tried talking to her, I tried taking her out, I tried the NC, i've given her, her space but nothing is working.We pretty much talk everyday either through text or on the phone which was pretty much initiated by myself. She's the one who wants out, I've done pretty much almost everything but get on my knee's and beg (which is not an option) so I figured if I start working on myself and making myself a better man then who knows.

[carhill]

File the paperwork and move on. Paper couldn't keep you together and paper won't keep you apart if that is your destiny

[CM2009]

File the paperwork and move on. Paper couldn't keep you together and paper won't keep you apart if that is your destiny

 

Thanks Darth...

[carhill]

Hey, my day is coming. Mirrors and all

[Lovelybird]

I encourage you to pray, and listen to God, and don't resist God's correction if God corrects you. I admire your courage to look upon yourself and try to improve.

 

If you discuss with your wife, one advise I would give is to LISTEN, listen to her, even the things she says hurt your pride. Did you listen to her when she tried to communicate something to you in the past? Does she give up trying to improve marriage? I think the only way you let her know you've changed is by your ACTION. If you did everything you can and should, then leave the rest to God, I believe God will bring good results to your situation.

 

God bless

[CM2009]

I encourage you to pray, and listen to God, and don't resist God's correction if God corrects you. I admire your courage to look upon yourself and try to improve.

 

If you discuss with your wife, one advise I would give is to LISTEN, listen to her, even the things she says hurt your pride. Did you listen to her when she tried to communicate something to you in the past? Does she give up trying to improve marriage? I think the only way you let her know you've changed is by your ACTION. If you did everything you can and should, then leave the rest to God, I believe God will bring good results to your situation.

 

God bless

 

Thats what I've been doing is trying to improve myself spirtualy first and then work on my marriage second. I'm trying to do the things I should've done in the past. I also have been more wanting to listen to her, I did listen to her in the past sometimes. Pretty much some of the other times I acted like the typical male. During our seperation I wanted to talk about what's going on with us, she may have at the time may not have wanted to and I respected her wishes and left it alone. Now in terms of supporting while were seperated, my last paycheck I was silly and paid house bills, and helped her out with money for grocery's and other things (we have a joint account) even though I moved out but on this paycheck I seriously thinking about not doing nothing because why pay for something in a house and I'm not their, plus if she wanted me to leave then she must have had a plan for her and the kids to survive without me. Now am I wrong for this or not??

[CM2009]

Continue to pray and seek God's voice. I would try marriagebuilders and retrouville(sp?) It may help if you both talked with your clergy member. I would also consider asking her what it is she wants, and really listen. See if there can be some sort of compromise. Maybe suggest time frame of 6 months to a year and then you both work your azzes off.

 

But keep in mind what the scripture says about what God has joined together. Did you seek his blessing on your marriage before the vows( I didn't and I think most of us do not), if you didn't now is the time to seek Him.

 

I've look through marriagebuilders and it has some great advice. To me right now praying is the right option to go. I'm sorry but what is clergy memeber? I tried asking her what she wants and she says she doesn't know, she just wants to be happy. I think a time frame of 6 months to a year is not an option, cause I feel in order to be the man of this marriage I need to be home to take care of my family. It's really up to her if she wants it to work because I do, she said she is praying and trying to see where it takes her. And oh yes that scripture about joining us together has stuck in my mind for a long time and I seriously feel bound by it, see I don't know what divorce is my parents are still married and have been for 31 years in June so I'm not use to a split up in marriage. Before we got married I prayed that this was the woman for me, nothing in my mind told me other wise so I knew we were meant, I know now that if we do get back together that we have to make an even better effort to make him the head of our marriage and work together on it. But oh yes I know now more then ever its time for me to seek him even more then I already am. Thanks for the info.

[CM2009]

We had a situation where she did find someone it was through a mutual friend where she found some comfort but thats a whole different story right there, I don't think sexual because knowing how she is, she wouldn't go that rout unless she was actually seeing him, plus he's "to old" for her. I want us to see our pastor because the bible says seek wise counsel, but I don't know if she'll do it. I think she might because it's something we haven't tried and I think she may want to at least say we tried everything.

[Eve]

I say, only try and repair the damage if you love her first and foremost and not to keep in line with any religious reasons.. duty can be an aweful bind if the love has gone from one or both parties. As you are both of faith, offer to go to see someone you trust who shares the faith to talk with and see if she is open to praying together. Most important, is that you both focus on the kids and the transitions they are going through. Dont bombard her though. Be reasonable but not a doormat.

 

Give her space and work on yourself. If she wants you to let her go, then you must do so. It could be that the marraige has already ended or is ending. If she has decided to get support from someone else this could be a short-term thing to help her right now. Keep an eye on that because it could be that she has moved on emotionally and is biding her time to get someone new..

 

Take time, this is not a fast process. I hope that the love comes back and gets stronger for the both of you but prepare yourself for the possiblity that this could be the end of your marriage.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[CM2009]

I say, only try and repair the damage if you love her first and foremost and not to keep in line with any religious reasons.. duty can be an aweful bind if the love has gone from one or both parties. As you are both of faith, offer to go to see someone you trust who shares the faith to talk with and see if she is open to praying together. Most important, is that you both focus on the kids and the transitions they are going through. Dont bombard her though. Be reasonable but not a doormat.

 

Give her space and work on yourself. If she wants you to let her go, then you must do so. It could be that the marraige has already ended or is ending. If she has decided to get support from someone else this could be a short-term thing to help her right now. Keep an eye on that because it could be that she has moved on emotionally and is biding her time to get someone new..

 

Take time, this is not a fast process. I hope that the love comes back and gets stronger for the both of you but prepare yourself for the possiblity that this could be the end of your marriage.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

Thank you Eve for the advice, I love my wife more then anything in this world so that is why im trying to salvage this marriage because I love her with all my heart. If I didn't love her and want this marriage I would've just moved on when she wanted space and that would've been the end of it. She says she loves me but not "in love" but for some reason, maybe I'm blind and don't want to see it but knowing her like I do she sometimes likes to say things just to see how I react sort of like a test. I'm not sure if a lot of stuff she's been saying to me is like that or not. I want to see an MC but she's said that she isn't sure if she wants to go that rout, maybe at first during the seperation I was bombarding her and that was probably out of guilt but now if I want to talk to her or do something for her, its totally out of love and care for her, she may think other wise. But I will no longer be a doormat and pay for bills when I'm not there because if you want me then you have to take it all my good qualities and my bad just like I took on her good and her bad qualities.

 

Lately that's what I've been doing is giving her space to see what she wants, I mean we do talk everyday either do text or through phone but I've come to the realization that she may not want me and I can no longer make someone love me who doesn't want to love me. If she gets help its either from her family or her kids father. (who rarely does anything anyway) But yes this is a slow process and is agony because I do miss my wife and kids so much that it hurts to speak of them and not feel sad, but like they say time heals all wounds. Also its hard to turn off 8 years of your life. But thanks for the advice.......

[Eve]

8 years is a long time.. Sorry for not remembering that you said that the children were not yours as such. Still 8 years will be even longer for them... poor darlings are going to have to get used to a new way of life. Still, try and make things as understandable as possible for them. Remember, although this is difficult, it does not have to be negative.

 

Well, its either that you both enter into a new odessey of discovery with each other or not, there are no in betweens.. unless you are into 'seeing people' as my kids call it. Although, this approach could work .. you know, if all pressure is removed and you both just spend time together. However, you do sound as though you want a full committment and it is almost as though you need this in order for the relationship to function. Be careful of this because you could be missing vital cues. Make sure you hear what is really being said between you. This is not an easy thing but it does sound as though you are backing off somewhat now and so will be in a better position to judge whats what.

 

Sometimes women want to be wooed all over again but I can see that there is not much to go on at the moment with your Wife. This makes me think that she actually wants to be single right now, probably so as not to have to carry you. So, yes, keep in touch as you are doing, probably not everyday though. Have you asked her about how often to keep in touch? I would say that the crux of the matter could rest on whether you make a real effort with things which she has said that she dislikes about you... but do it for you. I say this because I see the vow of, 'for better or worse' as a blessing to return to each other, not a bind. I am slightly concerned that you may have an attitude within you which identifies this vow as a statement that both parties 'have' to share all trials. Rather, I see that one has to be aware of how they are affecting others within the vow and it is God between you both who is the guide. So, be careful that you have not made her into a possession.

 

Respect her freedom.

 

From the initial post, it seemed apparent that your Wife had carryied you an awful lot and you have let her down. I am unsure if you realise the enormity of this. Its just that sometimes men have a blindspot where (intentionally and unintentionally) they ignore what is being said to them. Its the classic option of trying to fix rather than participate. I dont know if you can comprehend how this feels as a recipient. I could be entirely wrong and please correct me if I am but overall, there is a negative tone in amongst the positive things which you have said regarding your Wife. Maybe this tone has been there for a while and this is what she wants to leave behind?

 

.. Prayer is wonderfully cleansing. Spend time definately within prayer and active acts of faith. The retreat idea given above was fabulous, even if it is that you go alone.

 

I hope that this is a challenge which can be overcome in time and that you both will learn something valuable... valuable enough to hopefully to continue with the marraige in a renewed state.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[CM2009]

Yeah its been 8 years, her and I have known each other since we were kids. Go went to and still go to the same church. My dad and her mom are ushers at our church, started dating after the youngest was born and your right they aren't mines so the kids have become a part of me and my everyday living so right now I am kind of suffering from withdraws and I'm sure their Mom explained things even though in their young minds its complicated, I mean yeah it can be a positive thing but I just can't see splitting up a family can be good especially since a guy who has no kids of his own took on two children who aren't his and tried to love them like his own.

 

I mean right now people are telling me to see other people and call me old fashion but I take marriage seriously and I couldn't feel good about myself if I saw another woman while I was married, maybe a year or two years ago I probably would have but I guess that's the 27 year old married man coming out and not the 26 or 25 year old. I am trying to spend more time with her, like a few weeks ago I took her out to dinner just the two of us, then 2 days later we went to a basketball game together (her and I both love basketball) just right now the next step will be to go back to myself and spend time just chilling watching TV but that'll be kind of hard because if I go home I'm gonna wanna stay their and right now she doesn't want me to come back yet. Plus her family always comes over and their not big fans of me right now so the whole situation would be awkward. I also talked to her through text this morning and said if she wanted to go out tonight, either her and I or as a family but she wasn't sure and she said she will let me know. Also knowing my wife like I do if she comes back then I'll know she is committed to this marriage. Coming from her main thing is that she wants to be happy again, take care of her and the kids plus do what's best for them, does that include me being her husband, maybe or maybe not that's what she is seriously pondering on. Me being away really made me see what I was missing and that I want it back. I just want a chance to participate in the life of my wife and kids because to be honest it was never a dull moment and now I've noticed how dull my is without them right now. I agree that it isn't easy to just shut my mouth and listen to her especially if she is trying to tell me something I disagree with, I know I have to work on it because her and I going back at one another and me defending myself isn't going to help so I just need to just listen when she speaks because that may give me some answers to what she needs.

 

The thing about me backing off some what, I tried it a few weeks ago but she got mad thinking as if I didn't care and was moving on which I wasn't. I went on a business trip a few weeks ago, I was sleep when she called me and I told her I was leaving for a few days and she said "when were you going to tell me, and I said I just did." So anyways I get back home a few days later and she sends me a text saying that I was being rude because I wasn't being considerate in not telling her when I was leaving and when I was coming back. So now its like if I don't call her then she'll think as if im trying to move on which I don't want to. So should I continue to back off or try to keep some contact maybe not everyday but every other day? The only thing is that sometimes I really miss her and my cell phone at times can be my worse enemy in this situation because I keep looking at it seeing if she called or text me. I should ask her though how much contact does she wants, but I think we're gonna make a decision real soon, like within this week or sometime really soon so right now I do have to set up a game plan plus I might see her tomorrow at church. I know what she wants from me and it's kind of hard to show her that I'm for real because I'm not their but I know if I do see her tomorrow I do have to be as positive and happy as possible show she knows that I'm not some sad dog who is desperate even if maybe some of it is true. My attitude towards our vows are to stick together when times are tough and not run from them like I feel she has. To be honest if she really thinks about it, only a few things have to be tweaked and things will be different but I'm only looking from where I stand I don't know how she feels, but at least we can see an MC or a minister to get some proper advice, but respecting her freedom is one thing I've tried to do that's why I haven't really came around because I don't want to seem as if I'm bombarding on her.

 

I'm not going to lie my wife has protected me from a lot of things and I've tried to do the same and a time or two I fell short of her expectations and she's really hurt by it, and I feel that pain now as we speak and I do. But I will definitely stay in my prayer and listen to her as she speaks to me. But one thing is that I know this is a long process on trying to get her back and I don't want to pressure her to make the choice, I actually want her to think and make the right choice. But I kind of feel strung along, I mean let me know what you want to do so I can start rebuilding my life again. But I feel as if im stuck in a room with no doors or windows. I don't know what to do and when I ask her has she made a choice she says, " kind of but it might not be good for you," so I don't know......

[Eve]

Theres a lot going on for you. As long as there has not been any violence maybe you should continue as you are. There are no right answers as to the approach. Do what you feel is right.

 

Regarding my emphasis on saying that things do not have to be negative regarding the kids. It was meant to highlight that even though things are hard not to get caught up in it... oftentimes its like we think that we have to be as negative as the situation set before us. Via practising my faith I have found that it is those times where I have to pull away from expecting negativity. I dont mean that I bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok. Rather it is an awareness that alongside the negativity there is always reach to consider the positive and in doing so alternatives become apparent. I hope I have explained that well.

 

Anyhow, how did today go? You said that you would most probably meet at Church. Any news on whether she wants to try talking things out with a Minister? Could you talk with the person who married you?

 

It is ok if you do not want to respond.. just been thinking about you and wondering.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[CM2009]

Yeah I mean their is a lot going for me in terms of myself personaly, I'm a god fearing young man, who works hard, loves his family, and is about to graduate from

college. But their was never any violence in our marriage, I always lookedij up to my Father and I have never seen him hit my Mom and for all I know sleep around on her. But i'm supportive of the kids, I have done more for them within these

last 8 years then their own father has. But yeah I went to church I didn't really know she was their til I was paying my offering and she was leaving. So when I was going to my car she pulled up to me and we just had small talk nothing serious, she asked how I was doing and of course I said fine and that was pretty much it. I kind of wish she didnt come to church because when i see the feelings of missing her come back. I asked her out yesterday either us alone as a family but she said she was tired because she does have her good days and her bad days in terms of her health, but I asked her to let me know if she wanted to go but I never heard anything from her until late that night when text me "nite" meaning goodnight.

[CM2009]

In terms of us talking to our pastor well see if she wants to go that rout, I may just go to cousling for now alone, but I'll see if she's with it, but thank you for thinking of me in my

time of great need. I guess their is a reason I came in to this fourm, thank you for the great advice.

[Eve]

Well, the late night text sounds good... she must be missing you. Its all down to that really. Things can get heated and stressed but whats underneath is what matters. You are doing well young man.

 

I have been married for nearly 10 years and I understand how difficult things can be. Marriage and raising children is not an easy thing to sustain. Our main rule is to never carry things over to the next day. This seems to work for us. We sort out matters straight away and pray together every now and then. God is our centre, especially regarding leading the kids! Sometimes it is hard to know what to do but I have come to the conclusion that this is ok and you just have to do what feels natural.

 

I know that nowadays it seems old fashioned that the man is seen to lead the family but I do believe in this very much. Fathers and Husbands are SO important. Never underestimate how vital you are and find ways to express yourself. Entering into counselling on your own sounds like a good idea. I will always advocate therapy. I think we should all have therapy on a regular basis! Its good to have someone who does not know you personally listen to concerns and help you to find the way for you. I see counselling as a very precious gift to give to someone.

 

Take care of that heart of yours and keep your chin up. Oh, and well done you with the College course... things will hopefully improve on the money front once that is done. That must have been a real strain but keep going.

 

Please keep posting/PM. I will be praying this morning for you both and for the children. Focus on the Psalms and Proverbs and write down a Bible Verse which you love and keep it with you.

 

God is good.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[CM2009]

She text me again while I was on my way home from seeing my sister, it wasn't much just talking about the weather (really it was that) then she told me that she was tired and said "goodnight" and I did the same. I also sent her a message later on saying that she looked beautiful when I saw her at church. I guess time apart has made me appreciate her, and how lovely she is both physically and mentally. Yeah things have become stressed the last year and half in our marriage, me being laid off, not able to find a job to provide, her getting sick, both sides of the family bickering, it was just a lot going on at the time to where their was a division in our marriage which ultimately led us to being separated. I just feel if her and I had communicated better things would've been different. She may say other wise but she knows down in her heart that I care deeply for her, I may not have always shown it but its there.

 

Yeah marriage is tough and it’s been only 3 years I feel if we can get past a lot of this stuff it will make us stronger. I try not to go to bed upset at her, my Mom told me that before her and I got married is to never go to bed mad at each other because tomorrow isn't promised and you don't want that to be the lasting memory of her and I. So I'm a true believer of that, but her on the other end is not like that, she likes to think everything out and sleep on what's wrong which I think can be a bad idea, but whatever works for her. I've expressed that many times to her but she said that's what works for her. But I know that I could've made a better effort to bring us closer to Christ as a couple, I mean I read my bible and pray daily but I could’ve included her at times in my prayer and reading and she could've also done the same. I also feel counseling is good just so you can vent and not have to really worry about your business being spread all over town, so I will go for now and then when my wife and I return as a couple she can come to.

 

Yes trying to balance out college, working 40+ hrs a week, being a husband and a father, WHEW!!!! It’s tough but for some reason I like, and I like it a lot. I guess the fact I'm always busy is cool to me, I mean don't get me wrong I love to rest and have time to myself but I like keeping myself busy. My wife is the same way and she made it through college being a full time single Mom and started her own business so she is one incredible woman. And thanks again for the advice and please keep my family in your prayers. Have a wonderful and bless day/evening Eve.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, yesterday I watched TCC, and they advised a good book, "Marriage on the rock", the aurthor is a Christian, he and his wife ever considered divorce, but by God they not only saved their marriage but have a good one. I heard they helped many christian couples, then I thought of your post, hope it helps:)

[CM2009]

Hi, yesterday I watched TCC, and they advised a good book, "Marriage on the rock", the aurthor is a Christian, he and his wife ever considered divorce, but by God they not only saved their marriage but have a good one. I heard they helped many christian couples, then I thought of your post, hope it helps:)

 

You know whats funny, I was at my sister's church this past sunday and they had a library and I brought that book

[Lovelybird]

God wants to use me to show you that you should study that book diligently and use the tools it offers

 

I will pray for your marriage, not only be restored, but have a great one

[CM2009]

God wants to use me to show you that you should study that book diligently and use the tools it offers

 

I will pray for your marriage, not only be restored, but have a great one

 

It will because I have faith in it. Thank you for your prayers I really do appreciate them