16 years. I'm watching her waste away. It is my fault.

[Carwhisperer]

We got married in 1993. I've never had an affair nor have I ever been violent. I have a good career (14 years as a HS teacher) and pay the bills. She stays home with our 11 year old daughter. However, I have been a pretty bad husband in many other ways.

 

I have a wandering eye (just looking) and she can't stand that. She is quite good looking so I can't blame her in any way. I might be going through a bit of a mid life crisis (I'm 45, she's 37) but I have been like this since day 1, pretty much.

 

Both of us believe strongly in staying married and have a strong stance against divorce based on our religious views.

 

My Mom says I don't respect her and don't love her based on observing me around her.

 

I'm basically watching her waste away. She seems to get more and more fragile as time goes on. My Mom has suggested that I "cut her loose". My wife won't be the one to demand the separation, her beliefs are too strong for that. Having said that, she did separate from me 9 years ago for 4 months against my wishes. But she claims that she did not want a divorce. I believe her and she never sought one. She says she does not one now.

 

We are supposed to be getting some counseling from a pastor friend of hers next weekend. I have seen counselors, both secular and religious. We have seen counselors together but that was several years ago.

 

I guess I'm looking for reasons to stay married. For my own happiness I'd rather be divorced but I think mostly of my 11 year old daughter, the apple of my eye. I love her so much and feel like I would do anything for her, including forgoing my own happiness for an extended period of time (years).

 

I tend to believe that being married under just about any circumstances is better than being divorced when it comes to the children's well being. I know there are those who would generally disagree with this statement but this is something upon which my wife and I do agree. OTOH, watching my sweet bride almost disintegrate before my eyes is painful.

[quankanne]

you don't say how she's "wasting away," but if it's as bad as you let on, it could be psychological in nature, and therefore possibly helped by medication (depression) ... or it could be that it's long past quitting time, but neither of you know how to leave.

 

For my own happiness I'd rather be divorced but I think mostly of my 11 year old daughter, the apple of my eye. I love her so much and feel like I would do anything for her, including forgoing my own happiness for an extended period of time (years).

 

you sound like a good, loving dad, so please don't take this personally: If a child is in an unhealthy environment and there are problems, divorce is NOT the worst thing you can subject them to. I think parents can still do an awesome job together but not necessarily be married to each other IF they are in agreement how to raise their kid(s). She deserves to be in a situation where both parents are happy, even if it means readjusting to a new lifestyle.

 

meanwhile, good luck with the counselling.

[allina]

So, why don't you start treating her well? Why don't you start respecting your wife and making her feel loved, honored and cared about?

[Carwhisperer]

So, why don't you start treating her well? Why don't you start respecting your wife and making her feel loved, honored and cared about?

I try but it seems like I always take one step forward and two steps back. I write her a love note almost every day when I leave for work. I take her to the movies and out to dinner. It doesn't always feel real on my end (sometimes I'm just going through the motions) but often it is very real. I guess the biggest thing is I generally wish I was somewhere else with someone else. If we do split I'll probably end up with someone "worse" than her. She has many great qualities. But I just don't seem to be able to give her the love she really needs and deserves.

 

you don't say how she's "wasting away," but if it's as bad as you let on, it could be psychological in nature, and therefore possibly helped by medication (depression)

 

Yes, I do believe it is psychological but I also believe it is brought on by my behavior. One pastor told me she is near collapse but he also thinks there is hope for our marriage. My Mom thinks she is near collapse as well.

[bluechocolate]

It sounds to me like your marriage has turned into something that is based solely around the concepts of obligation & responsibility. Don't get me wrong, those qualities are very important in a marriage, especially one with children. They are also qualities that make a good pet owner. My dogs don't give a flying whatsit if I love them - what is most important for their well being is that I feed them, provide shelter & exercise them regularly. That I love them is secondary & really only to my benefit.

 

People don't work like that. Imagine raising your daughter by only providing what is necessary for her well being, devoid of emotion. Could you do that ? What do you think that would do to her ? What is missing from your post is any indication that you love your wife for who she is now, not that sweet bride you married 16 years ago.

 

I tend to believe that being married under just about any circumstances is better than being divorced when it comes to the children's well being.

 

I tend to believe that a marriage without love is not much good for all those involved. I've oftern wondered when people say, "we're staying together for the sake of the children", - how can a child bear the responsibility for holding a family together ? What an enormous burden for a child to carry. I believe at some stage children begin to recognise this burden being placed on them & they grow to resent it.

 

Presumably you loved each other once & if you're both dead set against divorce then you should both try your utmost to find that again or to grow it anew or to come to some other accommodation that won't contradict your religious views & which allows all of you to continue to grow as individuals & as a family. How do you do that ? To be honest I'm not really sure but maybe this is where the counseling comes in.

 

I have seen counselors, both secular and religious. We have seen counselors together but that was several years ago.

 

And what came of that ?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You sound like you are spiritual, committed, and love your daughter (& wife) very much in your original post.

 

I just want to give you a small piece of advice that has ALWAYS worked wonders when I have actually applied it to my own situation. I have 5 children - including 4 daughters. I have even used the opposite analogy with my wife referring to our son, and it has often worked.

 

If your daughter were in your wife's shoes 25 years from now - what would you want for her? I would hope you would see that you would want her husband to let go of all of the negative. To reach out, support and love her. Give her all that she needs to grow as a wife, and a mother, etc, etc... fill in the blanks with your specifics...

 

The road ahead will not be easy; but if you stick it out it will be worth it!

[Cinnamon777]

I know a little bit about how you feel... I've been unhappy and going through the motions in my marriage for some time now. I finally realized that I'm not doing either one of us any favors, nor our 2 children, by my actions.

 

If you are not able to do what it takes to make your wife feel loved, then it's better to not make your family suffer through your presence feeling empty. If you love your wife, then be present and help her to feel better. There is a book that has been recommended on many posts that I believe is called His Needs/Her Needs and a site called Marriage Builders that can also offer you some help.

 

If you do not love her, then stop pretending. You will feel better, your wife will know where she stands and can start healing, and your daughter will adapt with your love and guidance.

 

Counseling will only help if you are open to trying.

 

It's going to be a hard road no matter which way you go... you just have to decide what the reward is going to be and follow the path that will ultimately make your heart and soul the happiest. As painful as it is... I'm trying to follow my own advice.

 

Bright Blessings!

[Carwhisperer]

Thank you all for the advice. I didn't read these posts until I got to work this morning. We went to the movies Saturday Night. We had a big blow up when we got back and I suggested that we should get a divorce. She said over and over again that she does not want that.

 

I thank you all for your support and encouragement but I don't think I deserve any sympathy. In my earlier posts I perhaps did not fully indicate how shallow I am. I don't particularly like being this way and have put a great deal of effort into changing (professional counseling, prayer, self-help books, etc.) but I don't seem to be able to do it.

 

It matters a lot to me how my wife looks and how good our sex life is. She looks fabulous at 37 but our sex life is not generally what I'd like it to be. She has been working on this lately but her and I have different ideas about sex (I know, she's female and I'm male- so that should be expected). At any rate, sex does not occur as often as I'd like. In addition to this she makes me feel guilty for wanting sex.

 

We went to a kid's fair on Saturday. The weather was nice. Two teenage girls walked by in short shorts. I happened to be looking in that direction and leaned over to get something out of the car. I was not looking at them but she held onto this all day and asked me about it hours later when we were alone. This was not surprising to me because this type of event has occurred frequently in our marriage since day one.

 

During the early years of our marriage I avoided going out in public with her because it was so bad. I'm not saying I'm entirely innocent. Sometimes I do look at other women. But she has this hyper sensitivity to where I am looking and if there is a woman there.

 

When she asked me about the girls I asked "Doesn't this make you weary"? She reminded me that her sensitivity to this has varied over the years and this is true, and it did tone down for a few years but remains lurking, ready to rear its head.

 

At any rate, we didn't sleep well Saturday night. There hadn't been any sex for almost a week, but Sunday morning before church when we woke up she approached me and we had a wonderful experience. The rest of Sunday went great and we didn't talk again about it. It is kind of day by day but we are scheduled to go to Santa Cruz to get some counseling from her friend's pastor-husband this weekend.

[Kenyth]

We're only hearing one side, but it sounds like there are issues on both ends of things here.

 

For you, I would say that you are equating sex to love. They are intertwined, but different. Once a week should be OK for now. Wait for the marriage to get better before attempting to improve your sex life. Also, there is a difference between looking and ogling. Only you know when you've crossed the line. You're at a point where you need to make a decision. You want this marriage or you don't. Each decision has it's ups and downs, but you've got to make the decision and accept it wholeheartedly. Your sitting on the fence is part of what's making everyone miserable, so pick a side and get down already.

 

For her, she needs to ease up a bit on her anxiety. Her always being on edge is making you miserable and contributing to the decline of things. She needs a little self confidence work. Sure, you might glance at other girls, but other men are also appreciating her. She has nothing to fear. If you left, she'd be able to bounce back and find someone else. Probably even quicker than you could. Her insecurity is wearing her down.

[lostsoulmate]

You, your wife and your children deserve better than this.

 

You deserve someone you truly love and respect.

 

Your wife deserves someone that truly loves and respects her.

 

Your children deserve two happy, healthy parents.

 

Not one single person on this entire earth deserves a relationship that is toxic.

[TrustInYourself]

You don't work on problems by talking about problems. You work on them by taking action on the solution.

[Just Angel]

According to the Bible, you are cheating on her. Small wonder she feels inadequte. In Gods eyes, sinning in your heart is just as bad as actually doing it.

You're checking out other women, you're wishing you were with someone else.

 

You've already divorced her.

[stuckinoz]

So, why don't you start treating her well? Why don't you start respecting your wife and making her feel loved, honored and cared about?

EXACTLY! If you know what you're doing....& you don't want to divorce...Then KNOCK IT OFF! Man-Up!

Figure out how to treat her better ~ Not HOW to walk away

[Kenyth]

According to the Bible, you are cheating on her. Small wonder she feels inadequte. In Gods eyes, sinning in your heart is just as bad as actually doing it.

You're checking out other women, you're wishing you were with someone else.

 

You've already divorced her.

 

 

I believe his particular sin is referred to as "coveting".

 

"Adultery" requires a bit more interaction.

[Carwhisperer]

I believe his particular sin is referred to as "coveting".

 

"Adultery" requires a bit more interaction.

 

 

According to the Bible, you are cheating on her. Small wonder she feels inadequte. In Gods eyes, sinning in your heart is just as bad as actually doing it.

You're checking out other women, you're wishing you were with someone else.

 

You've already divorced her.

 

I believe Angel is referring to the passage in Mark where Jesus says "If you look upon another woman lustfully you have committed adultery in your heart", more or less.

[TrustInYourself]

There are tactics and strategies to increase her libido and decrease yours. Self discipline is key.

 

I see the problem already. The constraints of morality. You want what you can not have. It's not the fact that you have an attractive wife who doesn't give you what you want. It's the fact that you always want more.

 

Consider that. Let that roll around in your head for a bit. Consider a plan to address your side of the dynamic.

 

Your wife gives you what she has to offer, but it's not enough. You want her to reciprocate in her desire for you sexually? Tone it down. Be happy with what you have. Focus on your own addiction/need for sex, sexual gratification, stimulation.

[Carwhisperer]

There are tactics and strategies to increase her libido and decrease yours. Self discipline is key.

 

I see the problem already. The constraints of morality. You want what you can not have. It's not the fact that you have an attractive wife who doesn't give you what you want. It's the fact that you always want more.

 

Consider that. Let that roll around in your head for a bit. Consider a plan to address your side of the dynamic.

 

Your wife gives you what she has to offer, but it's not enough. You want her to reciprocate in her desire for you sexually? Tone it down. Be happy with what you have. Focus on your own addiction/need for sex, sexual gratification, stimulation.

That sounds like reasonable advice. One psychologist I saw suggested I seek out a 12 step program for sexual addiction. I don't look at porn or participate in any deviant behavior and he said I would be shocked by the other participants. It seems like it might be an unsavory experience but I might try it.

[TrustInYourself]

That sounds like reasonable advice. One psychologist I saw suggested I seek out a 12 step program for sexual addiction. I don't look at porn or participate in any deviant behavior and he said I would be shocked by the other participants. It seems like it might be an unsavory experience but I might try it.

 

Why would it be unsavory? Is your behavior unsavory? What makes their behavior any more unsavory? Is it easy to be judgemental when it comes to other people's behavior? It can be very hard to consider our own behavior in the same context.

 

Some of the feelings you have for some of the people you will find in a 12 step sex addict program are the same feelings your wife has to your behavior, yet you choose to defend it or explain it as part of your nature. These people also consider their addictions part of their nature.

 

Everyone can change, if they choose to do it for themselves rather than for others.

 

There are also changes that your wife should consider, but she's not on these forums. It's pointless to focus on what needs to happen with her perspective. You have 100% control over yourself, not your wife. That should be your complete and total focus.

 

Many times it's easier for people to just check out of their marriage than work on themselves. How empowered are you?

[laRubiaBonita]

maybe this is your wifes passive aggresive way of making your life miserable too....

[TrustInYourself]

maybe this is your wifes passive aggresive way of making your life miserable too....

 

Crap. Blame your spouse and you're going down cheeseless tunnels. It's all about making ourselves happy, not blaming our misfortune on our spouses.

 

She could change. But read my post. It's pointless to demand change from others. It creates resent.

[laRubiaBonita]

Crap. Blame your spouse and you're going down cheeseless tunnels. It's all about making ourselves happy, not blaming our misfortune on our spouses.

 

She could change. But read my post. It's pointless to demand change from others. It creates resent.

 

i am just stating a different perspective.....

[Carwhisperer]

Why would it be unsavory? Is your behavior unsavory? What makes their behavior any more unsavory? Is it easy to be judgemental when it comes to other people's behavior? It can be very hard to consider our own behavior in the same context.

 

Some of the feelings you have for some of the people you will find in a 12 step sex addict program are the same feelings your wife has to your behavior, yet you choose to defend it or explain it as part of your nature. These people also consider their addictions part of their nature.

 

Everyone can change, if they choose to do it for themselves rather than for others.

 

There are also changes that your wife should consider, but she's not on these forums. It's pointless to focus on what needs to happen with her perspective. You have 100% control over yourself, not your wife. That should be your complete and total focus.

 

Many times it's easier for people to just check out of their marriage than work on themselves. How empowered are you?

My behavior involves nothing illegal and has been limited almost entirely to what is going on inside my head. But you're right. I need to take responsibility for my own actions. Those are the only actions I can change.

[quankanne]

rubia's got a valid point: If your wife is seeking out reasons to justify her hurt/disappointment/anger, then she's part of the problem too, and SHE needs to work on cleaning up that behavior as much as you do, CW ... otherwise, it's a vicious cycle where no one wins because one or both of you set yourselves up to fail.

[TrustInYourself]

My behavior involves nothing illegal and has been limited almost entirely to what is going on inside my head. But you're right. I need to take responsibility for my own actions. Those are the only actions I can change.

 

Yet, you choose to be defensive. Personally, I think you are perfectly normal in terms of sexuality. The only problem is, I'm not your wife, lol.

 

Something else to consider is why you would justify your behavior and thoughts in terms of legality or that they are only thoughts in your head? Your actions and thoughts may be legal and contained within your thoughts, but that does not change that fact that they hurt your wife, the woman you love, emotionally.

 

Does that make you a bad person? No. No one is perfect. That's what makes all of us beautiful. The first step in this solution, is addressing what we personally have the most control over. Our own behavior.

 

Perspective is everything.

[TrustInYourself]

rubia's got a valid point: If your wife is seeking out reasons to justify her hurt/disappointment/anger, then she's part of the problem too, and SHE needs to work on cleaning up that behavior as much as you do, CW ... otherwise, it's a vicious cycle where no one wins because one or both of you set yourselves up to fail.

 

Hardly, one person is 50% of the dynamic. Does that mean the OP is the only one who needs to make changes. Definitely not, but that's who is here posting and asking for advice. That's who we can help.

 

Too often, we will blame others for the issues we create. Stop creating issues, start focusing on the person who is here for help, and stop casting blame. We might actually start creating solutions.