On the brink of depression maybe...

[abouttoloseit]

This is going to be a long one. Even if I don't get any replies, this might be a good read for some of you. I really don't know what the answer is but I think if I write what is frustrating me, it might help take some weight off my mind. Lets start...

 

In the beginning...

 

It's typical to be honest. I met my current girlfriend on my birthday last year, New Years Day of all days! I had just got out of a long relationship, but please jump to the whole rebound situation. I was well aware of certain problems but needless to say, I had a great time with the new girlfriend.

 

We got on so well at the start, I couldn't believe how much fun and laid back she was. Nothing was a problem to her. Anything I suggested, we would do it - movies, walks, clubbing, going out to places etc. I couldn't find fault anywhere, which was actually quite concerning! We pretty much took off in bed too. Sex was amazing, I felt like an animal again lol.

 

Going back further...

 

Before we started going out, I originally knew her through a close friend. He also kinda fancied her but it didn't work out for him. Anyway, my friend, at the time, was telling me how my current girlfriend had problems with an ex boyfriend (we can call this guy John). This didn't bother me at all - but take note of this fact. He also mentioned, the reason my friend didn't make it with my girlfriend was that she actually fancied a guy she had known for 4 years (lets call him Mark). They constantly spoke online. And, during talking to me, she would send me messages, dirty ones that she had sent to this Mark "guy she fancied". I don't now if she was trying to make me jealous, because it didn't work or that she was being silly, as she was kinda flirting with me too.

 

Confused yet?

 

This was all taking places as my ex relationship was coming to a end. So anyway, I took all this with a pinch of salt. Eventually, we started flirting more, and to cut a long story short...we started going out.

 

Going back EVEN further...

 

So, two weeks into the relationship, and I still cant beleive how amazing my g/f is. She is sexy, damn fine figure, cool, funny and awesome...(the list is endless lol). Jokingly, after we had just done the dirty business, I asked "what's the catch with you!? There has got to be something, you're too perfect"...

 

Well, I don't think I was ready to hear what came out next. Still...

 

Apparently, my gf didn't have the best upbringing. According to her, her parents split when she was very young. Her father cheated on her mother by sleeping with a model. So her mother brought my gf up by herself. For the first 10 yrs or so, until my gf was about 12, things were ok. However, when she hit her teens things went south.

 

Around this time, her mother had re-married and was with a man who was only 23 (my gf is now 13). Her mother was much MUCH older. This is a bit weird, if you ask me but I don't want to discuss this.

 

So, as teens get, my gf started having problems, problems with her real dad (she was moving back and forth between parents - not the the moest ideal situation), problems with the step dad, and also problems with her mother. According to my g/f, this lead her to take up smoking weed. At 13. What the parents did about this, I do not know.

 

So, as problems started, arguments, violent ones, my gf was ushered from school to school, and then country to country.

 

At 14, she starts having sex. Boyfriends don't last too long. Days in some cases. Now she is starting to try harder drugs, she is now in her third school and is living with her real dad. Again problems start with her dad and she pretty much runs away from home and ends up staying in a drug house. Her mother was at the time, living in another country, with the step father. Again, arguments forced my gf to move back to her fathers. Things didnt get any better here. After one argument, my g'f tried to commit suicide. Her mother did not come to see her. It was only her dad who came to see her at the hospital, which was very upsetting for my g'f, as he was the reason for the attempted suicide.

 

When I say drug house, apparently it was an abandoned house, with other runaways on god knows what drugs.

 

By the time she was 15, she was in double figures with sexual partners.

 

By this time, she had taken weed, exctasy, poppers and worse of all...ketamine. Up to the age of fifteen, it seems her parents didn't really care (for what ever reason) about her well being. She had been going to rave parties, unprotected sex...drugs...you can imagine.

 

Her mother then manages to convince, or should I say, my gf herself wanted to move back with her mother. They now lived in Spain, with other family members. Sex continued, drunken one night stands, my g/f didnt care...no commitment. Cocaine entered her system. All this before she was 16.

 

Im a bit concerned to her attitude towards sex. Im not against one night stands at all, I just find a 15 yr old girl having them while under the influence a little...sad and disturbing.

 

So anyway, still with me? Some of you might think the parents are to blame...possibly, but she also has to take responsibility for her actions.

 

When she was 17, she been through 6 different high schools, under protest during a boarding school...had 17 different sexual partners and had an abortion with her first "proper" boyfriend.

 

So, I was told SOME of this after two weeks of seeing her. She at first lied about the amount of sex she had. By at least a third. But who was I to judge at the time. She didn't have to lie. This lie was kept for 5 months, until I found out by accident the truth - which is another story - which hurt. And afterwards, until this day...I sometimes find it hard to fully trust her. It's annoying but I cant help it.

 

Back to current...

 

So, that's the brief history. Kinda messed up? So now, after two weeks of seeing her, I start getting serious moral issues about what I beleived about abortion, sex, drugs...my stand on these things, was getting turned upside down. And I then started to doubt myself. Could my opinion be easily turned? I was having serious moral dilemas.

 

So anyway, cought up in the heat of things, a few months pass and things (believe it or not) are going great. Im trying my best to overcome her history, but sometimes we have slight arguments.

 

With her past view on one night stands...and how "easy" it was for her to get a guy in bed, I became slightly paranoid with every guy she knew. I bet you can guess, my g/f didn't have many femake friends. Hardly any...yet she was quite popular with the guys.

 

The crush

 

One guy in particular who I had my suspicions about. This guy was in her class at university, and was also in the same groups, and same team as my g/f. They would work together on projects. So anyway, as part of the course, they have to take a trip with the whole class to New York...there is nothing I can do...or should do lol. They both go, but before she goes, at the bus stop, I catch her glaring at him for more than just passing look.

 

I call her up on it, and she says I was just day dreaming. I then ask...do you fancy him? (She had previously told me, before we a couple, that she had a crush on someone).

 

She said no. And I left it at that. They went to New York. I believe she didn't do anything, Im a positive thinker. But I do get paranoid and over protective.

 

When she came back, she told me about the trip. Was all fine, until she told me how she spoke to this guy all night in a pub and then had a small party with friends and this guy in a hotel room. She said nothing happened...but when I found a guys pair of boxers in her suitcase, I kinda hit the roof.

 

After a day of not speaking, she explained how she got them. I don't wanna go into it, it was innocent but totally not cool.

 

After a couple of weeks, things were ok, we went on a trip to Belgium. Where I confronted her about this crush. I asked again, and I wanted the truth. She said he was a crush but I didn't fancy him anymore.

 

This comes after I had already asked her twice about him. Paranoid again.

 

 

Mark (The other guy she fancied)...

 

SO again, we have our ups and downs. I argue with her about her past, and I later learn she has depression. She was taking prozac and sedatives during school. Again this is all new to me. I read up on depression, having never really experienced it with anyone and she appreciates i try to understand it.

 

Anyway. The following part, I am not proud to say but I will say it anyway. One afternoon, I have the strangest paranoid thought that she may still be speaking to this Mark guy. So I read her MSN logs. BAD I know, but how many here have done it? Please don't flame me for it

 

It turns out my suspisions were correct. Not only that, one line which is now forever embeded in my mind and at the time made me feel so insignificant to my g/f (I felt so small)...

 

My gf: "Hey I still wanna hang out with you but I can't cos my bf will get jealous"

 

Him: "Why would he get jealous?"

 

gf: "Cos...he knew I fancied you before we started going out, all that sex talk"

 

him: "Hmm...but I havent done anything wrong"

 

gf: "It's ok, all you need is a g/f so that I can come up with him (me) and then he can talk to your girlfriend and be distracted and we can sit and talk and play silent hill together -shy face-"

 

 

This didn't go down well for me. I pretty much dumped her. And after a day of arguing, we managed to sort it out and get back to together.

 

However, I cant say I feel good about the fact she still talks to him to this day. And this happened nearly one year ago.

 

Loveshack

 

We then came here to sort out problems. She wrote a very long article explaining how she had a bad upbringing and that i was too controling and intrusive of her past. Which is true I was. But what pissed me off was that she lied in the article (again) about her past in order to swing it her favour. She also lied about the number of partners.

 

So I then had 3 pages of people off here telling me I was a dick, I was an arse and i should be dumped. If only I could get the orginal post I would show you.

 

Denmark

 

Last year, July. This is where the rest of the so called truth comes out. She told me that 17 wasn't her sexual partner # She had more byfriends when she was older. The total number being 22. I am now number 23.

 

I sorta hit the roof. We argued again. I was more upset with the lies. I idnt care TOO much about her sex partners. I just didnt like all this lies. I was starting to think that i couldnt beleive a word she was saying. And I told her. This upset her and I said well, you only have yourself to blame. You keep telling mistruths, halftruths, missing out facts and I have to find them out by accident which hurts.

 

Anyway.

 

Current

 

Things have been going ok since last summer. We havent had any big arguments, at least not about her past. But, thats not to say its going great. Since around July last year, she has been rejecting me in the bed. And actually I don't blame her. But, I ask her to talk about it, she says she is just too tired, or stressed because she has too much uni work. From July to christmas I think we had sex about 6-8 times. Meanwhile I was trying my best to give her an easy time, I started really cleaning her flat, looking after her pets, taking her out shopping, driving her around when her car broke, doing all the small things.

 

We went away at christmas, and had a great time. The best Christmas ever to be honest. And finally we had sex. I know I seem to be thinking about sex a little too much in this situation, but I think it's important in a healthy relationship.

 

Anyway, Christmas day was the last time SHE actually wanted sex. There was one other time, in febuary. Since then. Nothing. I don't even try anymore to do anything. We went to london in march, she got turned on, but we didnt have sex...we just fooled about.

 

Am I wrong to be thinking about sex? Im 26, male and straight and I still find her incredibly attractive. Yet she is not interested. I am met with shuns, "leave me alones", "stop it Im not in the mood" when I try and instigate it. We have had sex twice since christmas Day...inc. xmas day. It's now mid April.

 

Thoughts...

 

I believe that having recently been kicked out of her dads house (yet again), uni work...and work...is getting her down and she might just not be interested in sex. SHe might not have gone off me.

 

But she has started playing fantasy role playing games where she acts out characters and role plays with other guys online. Im nosey but not too nosey to know exactly what she gets up to on this. I just asume its all harless fun. But this games you can roleplay sex and relationships. It's called mud'sexing. But she says she doesnt play it for that.

 

And also, she has started talking to that Mark guy again. She gets on with him so well. I honestly feel like I Interupted something between them and I dont know whether to just deal with the fact this guy is gonna be part of her life for ever or just...end it. I don't know.

 

So anyway, the reason I might be on the verge of a stressful depression, or just not feeling great at the moment is because I think I have g/f who doesnt find me attractive anymore, in which I case I dont feel very confident in myself. Im not eating very well, and being a musican it's affectin my performance on stage which also adds pressure to me.

 

This Mark guy and her persistance in talking to him makes me feel insignificant, and annoyed that nothing seems to be improving. If I didnt instigate, I think we would have sex anymore.

 

Anyway. Thats my problems.

 

How is your day going?

[samspade]

I didn't read your whole post, I'll admit. But here is what I believe some sound advice.

 

1. Don't date a girl who has/had serious family issues growing up. Divorced parents is one thing, but drugs, suicide, rampant sex...She has more red flags than Chairman Mao's living room.

 

2. Don't dig into your mate's sexual history. You probably won't like what you find out. And she is probably covering up 75% of the truth, anyway.

 

3. If you think she is cheating, she probably is. If she's not, then her behavior is unbecoming of a girlfriend, and she should be jettisoned. A good girlfriend or boyfriend does not engage in behavior that would make his/her mate suspicious. Something is indeed rotten in Denmark.

 

4. Don't tolerate bad behavior. She's committed too many offenses by now. You were right to dump her and weak to take her back. It happens.

 

You MUST dump this girl. She wants to be with Mark? Let her! Do you honestly think being alone and masturbating (at the very least) would be worse than being with this crazy ho? Walk away, my friend. At most you will give yourself the strength to date better women.

 

This girl is MAKING you feel depressed. Stop finding validation in how she feels about you and about anything else. Her upbringing sucked, but you cannot solve her numerous and sundry issues. You are down because you know the best option is to cut her out of your life, but you are scared of being alone. She's put you on the sidelines, already, buddy. Stand up and walk away.

 

Good luck!

[xpaperxcutx]

Oh my, where do I start?

 

Your gf has alot of problems and you let yourself become entangled with her. Ask yourself why you are still with her. Aside from her physical attributes, what attracted you to her? What about her personality? Character? The only things you mention and bring up is about her body and sex. So to me, it seems that you're more jealous of your gf because she's a sexual person but she wasn't willing to have sex with you.

 

You're 26, and you're a dating a girl who parties and does dangerous drugs. If you do the same things, then the two of you are definitely a match made in heaven. Unfortunately, she doesn't seem mature ( due to family problems), and you're looking for someone who wants a more committed relationship.

 

A relationship should be build on trust. The lack of trust between you two is enough to designate this relationship doomed. And it is.

 

Let her go for both your sake and hers. She needs to find help for herself, and you need to find someone who can give you the support and love you're looking for.