She is expecting trust and forgiveness for affair without being ashamed or sorry

[KennyB]

[font=courier new][/font]Hello to all, and thank you upfront for taking time to read my problem. My wife has been caught having an affair. I am not the one who caught her, although I have been suspicious. I could read her well enough to know something was going on, but did not know what and never really expected this. It was brought to my attention by the lover's wife that she knew of the affair and that she thought I should know. When confronted, my wife denied it all the way. The lover happened to be a friend of mine since the 2nd grade and we are all in our mid 30's.

 

I have been married for 9 years. The affair, as I have been able to get out of them, has been off and on for past 4 years. She would only cop to it when I drove to the lover's house to retrieve her bracelet that she apparently left in his hotel room 3 hours away from home on the night I returned home from a 2 week training out of state. We have 3 children 11 (who was hers from a previous that I have adopted) 8 and 6. They know of the wrong. The wife says she wants to work it out, as I do too. I did say through better or worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. And I firmly believe in forever. I am a christian man who desires the best for my entire family, but I am required to be gone working more than I am home.

 

We have been to 2 counselling sessions and the last one we were told that there is no half trust, either it is 100% or it is 0%. Either we trust each other and it will work, or one of us doesnt trust and should get out of it. I have to be honest, I dont feel I can trust her. I feel that the trust has to be rebuilt. Now here is my problem. I happen to work with the lover, and personally, I want to kill him, it will never happen, but that is how i feel. They were both consenting adults, and I cant put blame on either one of them. I put the blame on both of them, after all it took 2. I havent worked more than 4 days in the past month. I dont want to go in to work because he is talking about it, and people are coming to me and asking if it is true...forcing me to relive the pain. I just tell them unfortunately yes it is, and that I would prefer to not talk about it any further. She has told me that it never should have happened.

 

She has never really said that she is sorry. She has said indirectly that she wants me to trust her now. I have told her that I am willing to forgive her (it has been 6 weeks of living the pain now) but that she needs to apologize and ask me to forgive her so that I can. I also told her that that would show me that she is sorry. She says kind of standoffish that she is sorry. I have asked her if she is ashamed of what she has done. She told me sorry that she is not ashamed. That pushed the knife further into the heart!! I am not so sure that I can forgive a person that is not ashamed for cheating and lying about it for 4 years. And that is putting my healing process at a stand still.

 

What I dont understand is that she seems to be that selfish that she wants it all to work out, but is not seeing the other party in the partnership just hurting. I am at a point that a decision has to be made, and I would like some input as to whether it sounds like these are improper signs that she is throwing around, or is this my imagination?

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

I am really sadden by your story and also upset and would not blame you for wanting to kill the Fuc*er at work.But its best not to and let the good lord find his sorrow.

You should really consider LEAVING her for many reasons.

1st,she cheated on you with .

2nd,she denied it and feels no remorse.She knew what she was doing and she feels she got away with it .

3rd,its brought you problems and humiliation at work,I hope your not still friends with this guy.

4th, there is NO trust and probably never will,whats to keep her from doing this again and her lie to you about it.

 

I understand your belief but I don't think GOD intended for you to go thru this kind of $hit.I am also a Christian,but I would definitely leave and not look back.

 

 

Please excuse my language but I feel that what she did was very stupid and irresponsible.

If she loved you she wouldn't have done anything of this sort.I strongly suggest you leave and find better.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

Unfortunately I agree with the previous poster.

Your wife has cheated on you for the past 4 years and does not feel ashamed at what she did to you and your marriage. I believe she is sorry....sorry that she got caught. She apparently had no problem lying to your face, humiliating, disrespecting, and putting your health at risk. What a role model for your children. She clearly has a broken moral compass. For 4 years your anniversaries have been one big joke to her. You had to go to a hotel to pick up a bracelet she left after being with her lover?

She is an example of a cakewoman. She enjoyed the material benefits of a marriage with you and enjoyed screwing a man you work with for the past 4 years who was a good life long friend. She wants to stay with you to at least keep her standard of living the way it was.

Let me ask you this: if your child grew up, married and was in this situation what would you tell them? Would you tell them to accept this long term humiliation from a person who still says they are not ashamed of what they have done. If they are not ashamed then you can count on them doing it again since they do not feel they have done anything wrong. Please do not waste your life with someone who is so morally corrupt and so humiliating and disrespectful to you. I guarantee you if the roles were reversed, your wife would have been long gone by now. You don't deserve this.

I wish you luck.

[HeatMos]

Leave her and DO NOT look back. Take the kids and run. Make HER pay support for the kids. You're better off without the bull****. Good luck.

[midori]

Forgiveness is important, but that doesn't mean you have to be a sucker. She cheated on you for four years with a good friend and coworker, and she expects it all to be swept under the carpet? Sweeping things under the carpet doesn't get them out of the house. They're just out of sight, somewhat, and will eventually leave you with a bigger mess to clean up.

 

Your wife demonstrates a fundamental lack of empathy, remarkable self-centeredness, and, finally, no moral compass. What's right is what she can get away with? And if she's caught, well, all she has to do is toss off a casual "sorry" (or not even that) and all will be forgiven?

 

Is that the kind of example you want your children to grow up with? I'd say your wife needs a serious wake-up call, perhaps in the form of divorce papers.

 

I was raised in a Christian household, and still put stock in many Christian beliefs. I think marriage ought to be undertaken seriously, with determination to see things through thick and thin. But sometimes you have to acknowledge that it's a lost cause. Some people don't take second chances with gratitude, they expect them, and they have no intention of changing. I don't know what sort of counseling you've been to, but if it's faith-based and your particular strand of Christianity highly discourages divorce, you might want to seek some more secular help. Your wife is a toxic person. Sacrificing your mental and emotional well-being, as well as that of your children, for the sake of religious principles is neither admirable nor prudent.

 

And as for your coworker: I think you should have a word with your supervisor. Make him or her aware of the situation overall, and specifically that your former friend is making things uncomfortable for you in the workplace by discussing your deeply hurtful and personal problems with everyone. If common decency can't keep his mouth shut, perhaps management can.

 

But don't hang your head in shame. This former friend is the one who should be ashamed: he is not a good friend, nor is he a good husband. His talking about it may be a pathetic attempt to win people over before they can condemn him, but you should quietly, calmly make your contempt for him known should anyone be so stupid as to bring up the matter in your presence. Maintaining your dignity doesn't mean biting your tongue altogether.