I can't beleive this is my life...

[searcher]

Here’s my story. My husband and I have been together 18 years, since we were 19 and 20 years old. We have been married for 12 years and have to children ages 14 and 8. My husband in my opinion has always been trustworthy and a real family man who loved to spend time with our kids and me. 5 months ago his work asked him to work in another city on a temporary basis, he was coming home on the weekends, it is about two hours drive away. 3 months ago he started telling me that he wasn’t happy with his life or our marriage.

 

His main problems with me were that he thought he could never make me happy and he didn’t think that I had tried hard enough to make myself happy. I have had a weight problem ever since he met me. My weight goes up and down (max 200 pounds) and when it’s up it makes me self conscious and I do tend to become less outgoing. He says he has tried hard to support me over the years but he’s just tired of it. He also said he needed to find himself and needed some time and space. He gave me the “I love you but I’m not in love with you“ speech and said he didn’t think he could see a future for us together. Two weeks later he stopped coming home on the weekends. He does come and pick the kids up every second weekend and takes them to the place he is staying that his work pays for.

 

I was completely devastated, I really didn’t see it coming. Initially I could even get myself out of bed for about a week and started having panic attackes which has never happened before. I did all the wrong things, I begged him to come back, promised to change, told him how much I loved him and how much I and the kids needed him in our lives. Of course this only made everything worse. Before this I was a generally confident person, I have a career and have always worked our entire marriage except for to short periods when our children were born. I am not reliant on him financially and have always earn more money than him. I’ve supported him through a failed business and through three years of re training for a new career.

 

Anyway after the first month of me swinging between begging him to come back and telling him what a terrible person I backed off and gave him his space and tried only communicating with him about the kids, even though he often wanted to chat.

 

This Tuesday was our 12th wedding anniversary and I called him and we had a long talk which seemed to go well and he told me there was a 50/50 chance of him coming back (when he was ready). He asked me if I had been seeing anyone else and I told him I hadn’t as I didn’t think that was part of our separation agreement. Because he asked me I felt I should ask him. He said he hadn’t been seeing anyone.

 

Well on Thursday night he came home with the kids (he had them for a couple of days, and he asked if he could come and stay a few nights because the lease had run out on his apartment and he had to be out for a few days until his new apartment was ready). He told me he needed to talk to me and told me that he hadn’t been honest about not seeing anyone and that he had gone out with a woman a few times he had meet through work. He said it wasn’t serious and he hadn’t slept with her but he wanted to tell me so I would be shocked in a few weeks/months time if I found out he was in a relationship.

 

I told him that it was not o.k. with me that he was seeing someone else of that he was even thinking about it at this stage. He got quite irritated with me and told me that he would make his own decisions about what he did and that me asking him not to see her only made him more determined to do as he pleased.

 

So after a day of thinking about this I told him that I was o.k. with the separation while he was trying to find himself and I was working through some of my own issues but now he had told me he was thinking of persuing a relationship with someone else I couldn’t tolerate it. I asked him to choose between coming home to me and the kids or he could stay were he was doing what he was doing. I told him that if he didn’t choose me the marriage was over. I gave him some time to think about it and he came back and told me if I was going to force the issue he was not choosing me. I had fully expected this, even though I really do want to save the marriage I can’t continue waiting for someone who is treating me the way he is.

 

So about two hours after he gives me his decision he starts following me around the house asking me if I am happy with the decision. I have said nothing really to him other than it is his decision not mine. He has spent a lot of time manipulating and turning thing round into being all my fault.

 

I still in my heart can’t believe it’s over. I’m still devastated and not feeling strong or confident about the future. Some time I think I would take him back in a second if he asked and other time I ask myself why I would want to be with someone who and done this. If I’ve missed anything out I’m happy to answer any questions. Any support or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever you do, DO NOT take him back in a second. He's been a total sheeyot to you! He goes away to work and allows himself to get involved with someone else? Then expects you to deal with it and not react to his selfish behaviour??

 

Right now he's thinking of only himself. Do yourself a big favour and stop giving him the ego feed by showing him and telling him how hurt you are. It just eggs him on more. I know that sounds harsh and all, but the man you married is NOT the man you know now. The man infront of you is a lying, selfish person who is in a fog and has no clue WTF he truly is about to lose..

 

What you can do though is, fake it. Around him, just fake it. Start acting happy, and aloof. It'll make HIM wonder. And stop and think.. Act like you DON'T need him around, that you're fine without him.

 

Fact is, he doesn't know (more than likely) what he wants and you trying to take control away from him, just pissed him and he reacted like "fine, if you tell me this, then I'm going to do THAT.." how babyish is that. He'll wake up and realize that the grass isn't greener and that is the time you make him get to counselling and figure himself out BEFORE taking him back.

 

Sorry that you're hurting. Focus on your kids and take care of you. That's what is important right now.

[pelicanpreacher]

Right now is your time. Your stbx is following the same lame script all adulterers follow so try to view his behavior with detached emotion for emotion is all that rules him now. He will go all out to defend his actions and needs you to take the blame for all of his problems so that he achieves vindication in his choices. Though you might jump at the chance to reunite at the merest hint of reconcilliation on his part remain steadfast in holding to the boundaries laid down in your ultimatum. In the meantime in between time take care of yourself and children. Strive to reinvent yourself in the image you've always aspired to and shun the darkness of despair for the depth of its pain is inversely proportional to the euphoria your husband is experiencing in his affair. The faster you can stabilize your emotions the healthier and happier you'll be. Your husband, on the other hand, will come down out of his cloud sooner or later only to find out that the problems exasperating him in your marriage were more easily fixable than shouldering the weight of the new set of problems he now faces in betraying his family the way he did when reality finally hits home!

 

Hopefully, by then, you'll have emotionally moved into a serene state of indifference to allow him to twist in the whirlwind of his own making until you decide whether or not you want to resume a relationship with him again.

[searcher]

Thank you whichwayisup and pelicanpreacher your advice is excellent and much appreciated.

 

It has taken 3 long months for me to see him as he really is now and not the man I used to know and love.

 

I beleive he will one day have some regret. We had a beatiful family, a lovely home and a financially secure future with everything to live for. But now who knows.

 

I am getting to the point now were I can emotionally distance myself from him. My only problem is that I absolutley believe in marraige, I take my commitment seriously. Marraige was a one time deal for me which is why it's such a sruggle to let go.

[hopesndreams]

My only problem is that I absolutley believe in marraige, I take my commitment seriously.

 

and your husband doesn't

 

You are doing the right thing. Don't let him make the "decision" it is up to you and so far so good.

 

pelicanpreacher says

 

Your stbx is following the same lame script all adulterers follow so try to view his behavior with detached emotion for emotion is all that rules him now.

 

so very, very true

 

Keep detaching yourself

 

Marraige was a one time deal for me which is why it's such a sruggle to let go.

 

And, you know, you must let go. He has let go. You must do the same.

[Gunny376]

1. Step away from the edge! Step away from falling into the abysse!

 

2. Thou shalt not beat thou self up!

 

3. Thou were the BEST person, individual, woman, wife, mother etc that you knew how to be at the time! Had you known, had the experience then what you have now? You would have been freaking awesome in those roles! (And more than likely? You all ready were!)

 

4. The OW/ OM is NOT better than you!

 

5. The cheating spouse almost always "trades-down" while the betrayed spouse most always 'trades-up!' ~ In short? You can't do any worse than what you've already got!

 

6. There's not shortage of men/women! The world is covered up with them!

 

7. What one would abuse? Another could certainly use!

 

8. When cheaters cheat? Its about their own insecurities! Not about yours!

 

9. There's not one monkey that makes a show! People come and people go!

 

10. You were born without them ~ you did just find before you meet them, and you'll do just fine without them!

[delajoonal]

OMG! ok...so this is VERY weird, seacher, while reading your post, i swear i could have written IT...as a matter of fact i did this past week..our stories are amazingly similar..right down to the 12 year anniversary last week...wow!

 

first, i started to read your post, this is no lie, i cried, i was so devastated FOR YOU, i could not finish it at first....so i came back later to finish it...

oh you sweet person ...you did not deserve this.

 

you sound like an amazing mother and wife...and well, don't we all struggle with our weight here and there...we have kids, stress, and everything in between can cut our work out time to zero...but you keep the faith sweetie! you dug in your heels and would not be treated THAT way..i am proud of you and would like to take a page from your book...if you don't mind..LOL...

 

i did ALL the same things, the yelling, crying, please don't go, i love you, i can be a better wife, etc...then wanted to rip my hair out for doing it...but it is natural to be hurt, scared and unsure of what is going on...let alone now we have the WHOLE future thing to think about too...

 

you are NOT alone...this website it filled with the most amazing, gracious, kind, warm and experienced people i have ever met online or anywhere...i just keep getting pulled in everyday to post and read....these people will keep you sain and to help you get thru this horrific time in your life...

 

i would also like to say...my son is 22 years, so i have no children at home, just me and my chihuahua, ( which she is NOT handling this well either..really)..anyway, my hats off to you sweetie! i don't know how women do this AND take care of their children too...to get up and have to take care of ALL the same things everyday, when after nearly 2 months, i still can't get out of bed without someone coming over to make sure i have eaten, or go out for a walk, etc...

well, let me clarify that....i let him come home at one point,, THAT was the worst thing i could have ever done...so do not let him come back, not even for ONE night...it will set your recovery back 10 days for every one day he is there...anyway, i am getting better with each..still cry...but this website and these folks are angels...all angels:)

 

oh, the devastation...i feel your pain so much..and i am SO incredibly sorry:(

 

please keep coming here and posting..i promise it HELPS soooo much!

 

take care Searcher...hope to see you again..and i pray you get the outcome you desire:)

 

p.s. i am in the same, i love him, want him back in a second, but do i want him back after the way he treated me...oh i stories mirror each other:(

[delajoonal]

5. The cheating spouse almost always "trades-down" while the betrayed spouse most always 'trades-up!' ~ In short? You can't do any worse than what you've already got!

 

Gunny...you have done it again... I LOVE THIS!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

 

mind if i cut and paste so i can print it out and post it on my mirror and read it every day

 

you should be a writer..if not already:)

thanks again for your awsome words.

[searcher]

oh give me strength!!

 

Today is the last day he will be here before he goes to back to his appartment. I haven't got out of bed yeat and I dread coming face to face with him.

 

You are so right delajoonal, he has been here three nights and I fell like I'm almost back to square one in the healing process.

 

He is so manipulative. He has tried turning everything around and saying it's my decision to end the marraige. Yes I gave him an ultimatum of some sort, but he made his choice. He's still trying to use the "it's not over for me" line, trying to push my buttons and weaken me.

 

Why do I feel so guilty about being angry at him. I don't want to be bitter. How can I still love someone who has treated me so badly.

 

I'm so confused I fell like i'm always only one step away from backing down again.

 

Give me strength.

[whichwayisup]

We had a beatiful family, a lovely home and a financially secure future with everything to live for.

 

HIS LOSS! And one day he may wake up out of his affairyland fantasy and realize what he threw away and ruined.

 

The good thing is, once you heal from this, YOUR life is going to start again. You have your kids, family, good friends around you to help you through this, so you're not alone.

[Liquid]

5 months ago his work asked him to work in another city on a temporary basis, he was coming home on the weekends, it is about two hours drive away. 3 months ago he started telling me that he wasn’t happy with his life or our marriage.

 

He gave me the “I love you but I’m not in love with you“ speech and said he didn’t think he could see a future for us together. Two weeks later he stopped coming home on the weekends. He does come and pick the kids up every second weekend and takes them to the place he is staying that his work pays for.

 

I am 99% sure that he had and having an affair. Not just a crush or an emotional one, but a physical affair with emotions involved.

 

I was completely devastated, I really didn’t see it coming. Initially I could

 

 

 

This Tuesday was our 12th wedding anniversary and I called him and we had a long talk which seemed to go well and he told me there was a 50/50 chance of him coming back (when he was ready). He asked me if I had been seeing anyone else and I told him I hadn’t as I didn’t think that was part of our separation agreement. Because he asked me I felt I should ask him. He said he hadn’t been seeing anyone.

 

Before reading any further, if I am a gambler, I would bet all my assets on the fact that he's lying!

 

The bottom line is, he has cheated and he wants to be a cake eater. He is somewhat "scared" that you would start dating too. Don't be clingy. Be independant and go out. Make him wonder what you're up to. Don't argue with him, don't call him, don't judge him, just be your own person. Eventually, his affair will end and he would want to be back.

 

In the meantime, you might want to consider exposing the affair to his boss and to anyone whom he respect such as his parents, siblings, uncles, best friends, etc. Affair survive on secrecy, once exposed, it will slowly die as it is no more exciting and become something bad with judgment and disapproval from people who he loves and respects.

[delajoonal]

hi searcher...

i really do feel your pain...and confusion, anger, all of it..

it is a awful place to be in emotionally.

they leave, we get time to gain perspective, and then they come back...and ya, like we both said, back at square one...or worse. 10 steps back:(

you can email me directly if you wanna chat..i am always available if you need to talk...cause oh my gosh, i SO KNOW what you are going through..

and our stories are so similar.

anyway...you were here for me today...when i wanted to call OW...oh man, i was SO darn close..i am soooooo glad i didn't now..and it was because of you and intricategirl..you all mean the world to me..thank you again.

searcher, we can do this...we will get through it...hopefully it ends with us being happy, being reconcilation or divorce....but i know we will get THERE some day...that happy day...we just keep posting and venting and LISTENING to all the angels responses here on LS.

[delajoonal]

whichwayis up said IT perfectly...

HE will be sorry...THEY all always are...

the grass IS NOT greener..

it just depends on how much time it takes them to figure it out...LOL

[searcher]

He left an hour ago. We will likely never spend another night under the same roof again.

 

I'm sad, scared, angry and relieved all at the same time. I've walked around and around the house looking at everything we had together. All the furniture we chose together all the photos of the past when things were happy. I feel like I'm never going to stop crying, the tears are streaming as I type. I wish I had a switch to turn off the pain in my heart just for a moments relief.

 

Why did he choose to do the things he's done? All the explanations still aren't good enough reasons to break your childrens hearts.

 

I know I need to accept it but I can't. I can't stop hoping even though he's left and we've agreed that it is over for good that he might change his mind. Surley 18 year can't just end in the space of a few months.

 

I'm only posting casue it's better than starring at the walls. Thank you all who have taken the time to pass on their advise and support.

 

I know tomorrow is another day, lets hope its better than the last.

 

Am I wallowing in my own self pity? My H has accused me of this recently, he thinks I should be able to pick myself up and move on. I wish I could find it in me to let go of all the crap he has filled my head with.

[stampdaddy]

He left an hour ago. We will likely never spend another night under the same roof again.

 

I'm sad, scared, angry and relieved all at the same time. I've walked around and around the house looking at everything we had together. All the furniture we chose together all the photos of the past when things were happy. I feel like I'm never going to stop crying, the tears are streaming as I type. I wish I had a switch to turn off the pain in my heart just for a moments relief.

 

Why did he choose to do the things he's done? All the explanations still aren't good enough reasons to break your childrens hearts.

 

I know I need to accept it but I can't. I can't stop hoping even though he's left and we've agreed that it is over for good that he might change his mind. Surley 18 year can't just end in the space of a few months.

 

I'm only posting casue it's better than starring at the walls. Thank you all who have taken the time to pass on their advise and support.

 

I know tomorrow is another day, lets hope its better than the last.

 

Am I wallowing in my own self pity? My H has accused me of this recently, he thinks I should be able to pick myself up and move on. I wish I could find it in me to let go of all the crap he has filled my head with.

 

Hi, sweetie.. First of all, the 18 plus years will NEVER go away, and because you have children, beautiful children TOGETHER, you will always have a "relationship". just a "different" one.. You WILL be OK. you will, there is no other choice.. Right? you can be miserable (which you have the right to today), but TOMORROW, you don't. your children deserve better. You CAN do this, you WILL be OK. Focus on that, because that is really the ONLY thing you can focus on now.... HUGS

[Gunny376]

The Stages of Grief: Coping With Loss in Divorce

 

The end of a relationship is a kind of death. Grieving the loss of a loved one is a personal experience, and certainly there is no single “right” way to grieve. But whether the loss is brought about by divorce, cult membership, total amnesia, or even just normal death like on the show “Six Feet Under,” the emotional process is the same. Psychologists have identified the stages of grief we must go through, and I hope that my own journey through these stages may, in some way, help you cope.

 

Denial: In this, the earliest stage, we refuse to believe what has happened. We try to convince ourselves that nothing has changed. We may even pretend it hasn’t by holding onto rituals that remind us of our loved one. Setting her place at the table, sleeping on one side of the bed instead of the middle, or lifting the potty seat when you pee… They can all be part of this stage.

 

Anger: We get angry. We can no longer deny the cruelty of the universe! We may blame others for our misfortune, especially our ex-spouse and her friends. And her family. And her co-workers. We may also experience renewed anger at past injustices we’d thought long forgotten, like that bitch in high school. We may even become angry with ourselves, blaming ourselves for the loss. Don’t turn this anger inward as that is self-destructive — it is always better to blame others!

 

Drunkenness: This stage is pretty self-explanatory. And vital! Take as much time as you need on this stage.

 

Drunken Anger: A potent combination of stages two and three. Avoid contact with anyone during this stage! It’s all too easy to get your ass kicked picking a fight with someone much bigger than you, plus you’re stumbling drunk and never were a good fighter anyway.

 

Drunken Denial: This stage usually involves lying on the floor crying and moaning, “No… no… no…”

 

Drunken Angry Denial: This stage typically involves lying on the floor crying and screaming, “No! No! No!”

 

Understanding Country Music: You never thought this would happen, but you finally get country music. You may wish you didn’t, but you do. Damn it.

 

Bargaining: Bargaining can be with ourselves, other people, or, if you’re one of those religious types, with your god, even though if there were any sort of “God” this horrible **** would never have happened. Still, you’d give anything to reverse reality. It’s only human to want things to be like they were before. But Superman ain’t gonna fly backwards around your marriage and turn back time, so get over this stage, asap! It’s pointless, jackass!

 

Depression: When we realize there is no bargain to be made, depression sets in. There may be a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion. You may burst helplessly into tears, even when not drunk. Any sort of pleasure or joy can be difficult to find, even from activities which had previously delighted you, like cheating on your wife.

 

Drunken Depression: Prepare in advance for this stage by throwing away anything you might use to kill yourself. This should include your car keys.

 

Drunken Anger: Oops, you’ve slipped back into this stage. It’s only natural, but remember: avoid all human contact! And if you have pets, ask a friend to take care of them for a bit. If you have any friends left.

 

Acceptance: The penultimate stage of grief. It is when you realize that your life has to go on. You should now be able to regain your energy and goals for the future. It may take some time to get to this stage, but it will happen. You may still think of the past, but those thoughts will be less frequent and less painful. Mostly, you’ll wonder why you were upset in the first place. Sometimes, you don’t know what you didn’t have until it’s gone.

 

Checking Into Rehab: The final stage of grief. It is when you realize that your liver has to go on. It is better if you handle this yourself rather than waiting for family and friends to hogtie you and drag you in. It makes you look more “together,” and that’s the illusion you’re trying to convey! It’s much easier to pick up chicks in rehab if you check yourself in.

 

Your going through the five stages of grief, how long it takes to how long it take you to work through it is really up to you and no one else. For most it can take only a couple of months, for others? Years and others never recover (because they don't want to ~ as they never make the "decision to do so.

 

Women as a general rule seem to have an easier time with it if they're the ones that didn't initiate the breakup, as opposed to men who find themselves in the same situation, (being the dumpee rather than the dumper.)

 

One of the last things you want to do (OP) is sitting around 'digging up bones" of a love that's already gone.

 

You need to get yourself busy ~ very busy! Now would be the time to start that strenuous exercise program. Don't allow yourself nor catch yourself just sitting around. If your like most of us, you've got 1001 things to do and projects to be working on. Many of them you've been putting off. NOW IS THE TIME TO DO THEM!

 

Volunteer! We're in the middle of one of the worse recessions since the Great Depression! There are plenty of people out there that are in worse shape, and they need all the help they can get!

 

FORCE YOURSELF to get busy and stay busy. Action most often precedes "feeling like doing it" and your going to have to force yourself to do it, before you begin feeling like doing anything.

 

Do not stay couped up in your house, apartment! Get your happy self out there each and everyday and rub some sunshine on that pretty little face of yours!

 

Interact with others ~ this may be the end of your marriage? But its not the end of your life ~ get yourself busy living Life to its fullest and to its top! Each and everyday. Either get busy living or get busy dying! Its just that plain and simple.

 

From cradle to the grave if you live to be 75 you've got 27,375 days ~ don't waste single of them on some @zzhat that doesn't appreciate nor recognize you for the truly unique individual that you are! Think about it, never in the history of mankind has there ever been someone such as yourself, and once your gone never again will there EVER another quite like you.

 

You've got a lot of good love to offer the world and the people in the world, and it can be as simple as giving a smile to a complete stranger or a shoulder to cry on for your best friend.

 

Accentuate the positive! God has laid a many good and beautiful things at your feet and in your life! Sit down and make a list of all the blessings you have ~ and all of the good things you've got going on! Post it on the fridge, and read it daily ~ better yet? Read it three times a day.

 

Your going to have to muster up some self-discipline, you've got to make up your mind that your going to turn this situation from lemons to lemonade.

 

Refuse to allow yourself to wallow in self-pity, to permit negative thoughts into your mind. The truth be told, "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be." (Abe Lincoln) "Whatever the mind of man can conceive? The mind of man can achieve!"

 

You did and were doing just fine before you ever meet this guy! You'll do fine without him! The graveyards are filled people we just can't do without! With the country and the economy being the way it is right now? We sure could use a couple Thomas Jefferson's, Abraham Lincolns, and George Washington's.

 

What one could abuse? Another could certainly use. You just need to pick yourself, dust yourself off and 'get back out there!"

 

DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP! The cheaters 're-write' the martial history ~ BIG TIME! Don't take it personal ~ its what they've got to do to justify and reconcile in their minds what they've done. Let it go! They're the 'weak-minded' ones, your the 'strong-minded' ones (you had to be to put with their crap all these years! )

 

If your a woman and you've got a bunch of kids, don't sweat it! Because you know what? Out there somewhere? There's a guy out there that came from a large family, always wanted a large family, but who can't have kids? Guess what? You're just what he's been looking for.

 

Besides? If he really loves you? He's going to love your kids as though they were his on. Don't sweat the small stuff ~ and its all small stuff!

 

90% of what we worry about never comes about anyway. Its the 10% that we never saw coming to begin with that beams us between the eyes!

 

P.S. Don't listen to Country Music and drink! Especially George Jones! That s*** is just enough to drive you over the edge of the cliff!

[searcher]

Thank you Gunny, you are very wise and very funny.

 

I had actually stopped felling like crap by the time i finished reading your post.

 

I love this forum, it's the only thing that's stopping me from stepping over the edge today. Thank you everyone.

[delajoonal]

Gunny...again, you have made me laugh out loud while sitting at my computer by myself...my dog is looking at me like i have lost my mind..i just could not stop laughing!

i wanted to add quotes, BUT i lOVE the entire post...every single word i am going to take to heart and practice...you are right, WHY am i wasting even one day on this arse? i am 43, i may not have many left..really..LOL

i have amazing friends, and talent, i need to get back in my studio and start creating again...this is ridiculous!

you made me get mad at myself, laugh at this situation, and think about what i am really doing?

R U sure you aren't a doc or writer..LOL

i have already volunteered for the meals on wheels in my area...so monday morning...that will be my first day of reckoning...meaning, i reckon` i better get the heck out of this house and LIVE MY LIFE!..LOL

 

thanks again Gunny...once again, you did IT!

[searcher]

One of the last things he said before he left was that he thought we would have been able to work this out if I hadn't pushed him to make a choice.

 

I'm torn. I know it could be more of his BS but I still don't want to give up. I'm so lonley. I have to fight the urge to phone him every second of the day.

 

I think some of you will be shaking your heads. I know I need to be strong but it is so so so hard.

 

Posting here is the only thing that keeps me from doing something stupid (like calling him).

 

All words of wisdom are welcome.

[delajoonal]

searcher...

 

although i try to work Gunny's words, and for the most part, i can...there are huge moments of weakness', that is when i post here...like today, when i wanted to call OW...you all stopped me..i am SO glad now.

it would have been one more thing for him to be digusted in me about.

the more they pull away, it seems the crazier we get, right?

and then they say, "look at you, you need help?"

well NO **** sherlock...who wouldn't after what you just did to me..

speaking to my dh of course..LOL

i mean, you cheat, some crazy online trist 3 weeks, and NOW you no longer love me, after 14 years together, and you want a divorce..

and then all the crazy lies, phone numbesrs, email address, movie ticket stubs...i mean how much more can you do to someone that trusted you with their life, NEVER had one jealous thought..and now THIS.

OF COURSE I NEED HELP...LOL

 

but please searcher, Gunny, and the others are so right.

our dh's are trying to re-write the years we spent as husband and wife, to demonize us, to make it easier for THEM to walk away and not feel guilty for cheating, lying, and destroying not just one but TWO families...as my dh's OW is married with small children...

SO... we are here for you and i am in debted for you all being here for me as well:)

have a good night seacher and try to get some rest.

treat yourself to a mani/pedi tomorrow and make yourself eat something good...like a big fat steak dinner..LOL

 

if you are like me, you are prolly not eating at all..

and you have to be strong for yourself so you can take care of you children:) they need you so much right now..gosh, think of what an amazing accomplishment when all is said and done..

going thru the worst time of your life, and raising kids, and keeping IT all going...my hats off to YOU searcher:)

take care sweetie;)

[Liquid]

One of the last things he said before he left was that he thought we would have been able to work this out if I hadn't pushed him to make a choice.

 

He just want to shift the blame, guilt, etc. to you because he is feeling too much of it. It's the easy way out to blame it on YOU.

 

What he was saying was.....why can't you just let me sleep with the other woman for while and see how it goes while you just stay at home and wait and wait and wait....now, it's all your fault that you don't want to wait while I continue wine and dine and have some motel fun with my new girl friend.

 

I'm torn. I know it could be more of his BS but I still don't want to give up. I'm so lonley. I have to fight the urge to phone him every second of the day.

 

I think some of you will be shaking your heads. I know I need to be strong but it is so so so hard.

 

Posting here is the only thing that keeps me from doing something stupid (like calling him).

 

All words of wisdom are welcome.

 

Keep in mind that affairs do end when realities set in. He misses you as much as you misses him. When he sees that you're not so dependent on him and "moving on" with your life, he is going to wonder even more if he had made a mistake.

[searcher]

It's 6:20am here. I have to get up and get ready for work.

 

I keep the laptop next to me on the bed so I can read some of the posts on LS looking for some motivation to get moving. Today is twice as hard because the children aren't here.

 

I feel so completely and utterly alone. I have no one other than my mother to call and I can't keep calling her. She us so upset for be and frustrated that she can't change my situation. I don't have any friends I can call. I've let them all fall away over the years. I put my marriage, family and career before them. Now I pay the price.

 

The lonleiness is overwhelming. How do other people deal with this? Help!

[Gunny376]

It's 6:20am here. I have to get up and get ready for work.

 

I keep the laptop next to me on the bed so I can read some of the posts on LS looking for some motivation to get moving. Today is twice as hard because the children aren't here.

 

I feel so completely and utterly alone. I have no one other than my mother to call and I can't keep calling her. She us so upset for be and frustrated that she can't change my situation. I don't have any friends I can call. I've let them all fall away over the years. I put my marriage, family and career before them. Now I pay the price.

 

The loneliness is overwhelming. How do other people deal with this? Help!

 

Make new friends, but most of all? Find someone who's worse off then you and lend them a helping hand. Volunteer. I'm being for real!

[2sure]

Searcher -

 

Your story is so familiar to many of us , either because we lived it or have read so many similar posts. Affairs, sadly, often have the same pattern. And it does sound like the immediate issue here is an Affair. The pattern you are going to see is this. The WS takes no real responsibility, makes no changes, and isnt fully engaged in reality until they have consequences that make them, and not you, the victim of their actions.

 

In your case, with him having left for his own apartment....reality and consequences will not hit him until it is too late. When you have filed for divorce, when he is paying child support, when your assets and finances are distributed. When his job ends at his new location or when his expenses are not covered...all of these things are REALITY. Right now, he is just floating around in his affair fog, how nice it is to be free , no responsibility - you cannot possibly compete with that.

 

So, reality and regret will hit him. And he will reconsider. But it will be too late, because odds show that once you have filed , you wont want him back.

[searcher]

My husband called me an hour ago just as I arrived for work. He asked me if there was any chance I thought we could still work things out. He said he was asking becasue he is wondereing if he has made a mistake. He said he wanted to know if there was a chance for us before he put more time/thougth in whether he wants to come back. He has asked me for another week to let him decide.

 

I told him there was still a chance. I'm terrified he will hurt me again though. Is he just trying to get me to take one more ride on the emotional rollercoaster with him? I don't know.

 

Any thoughts?