I don't feel like living anymore

[RecordProducer]

I know I must live because of my children and I try to put on a happy face for them. But everything seems so pointless. I don't want to die, I just feel like hybernating. I drink to get myself through the day or night. I don't even know what I want right now anymore. My law school is starting in four months, so that's a good thing. I can't get myself to work on my songs and that's very important to me. I am disgusted by myself. Just like he called me "I am disgusted by your personality, that's why I can't have sex with you." The husband who dumped me, that is. He is the second husband who dumped me. I am 34. Everybody is talking about some qualities that I have, but I never get approached by someone I like and connect with. I have no one in this country except my kids. I can't ask my husband for any sort of comfort; he's passive-aggressive and uses any opportunity to insult me.

 

I am just so tired of feeling like crap. I want to feel good. I want to feel loved and understood. Everything is so cold. I don't need the people who abandoned me; I need people who won't abandon me. I am so tired of waiting for my life to start.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why are you even concerned with your ex who dumped you???

 

I mean it's been a long time and the more you focus on still having him in your life you will never move on. Stop feeling down for yourself and build yourself to be better than what you was. So your husband was a jerk and an A-hole. it happens to the best of us. But every post seems to mention a man who treated you like crap! WTF?

 

You need IC. seriously.

[carhill]

I know that rollercoaster feeling. My best medicine has been therapy and valuing and allowing myself to be valued by a few good friends.

 

I'm going to give you some advice, as a person who does care and doesn't abandon people casually...... Really focus on valuing those people who are there for you. You might not notice them right away because their support and love is quiet and steady, not dramatic. Pay attention and think about your history with them. It will come

 

Oh, drink less. I do better when I drink less or not at all.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm mad at you RP! I'm mad because you know as well as anyone else, that alcohol is a depressant. This is not the time to curl up into a fetal ball and give up. That's not you.

 

Please, STOP drinking. It only makes things worse.

 

Come on sweetheart, men don't define you. Women don't define you. YOU define yourself.

 

((hugs))

[kizik]

Really focus on valuing those people who are there for you. You might not notice them right away because their support and love is quiet and steady, not dramatic.

 

Truer words were never spoken. Carhill, I like you a lot more when you open up, instead of speaking in your typical riddles and rhymes.

[searcher]

RP I'm reasonably new in these forums but I have read a lot of the threads you have posted on and if they are anything to go by you sound like a beautiful person who has a lot to live for.

 

I know how difficult it is when you feel lonely and feel like you have no one to lean on but I think you would be surprised how many people around you would care about you if you let them in a little.

 

And like you know and I'm sure you've been told may times, alcohol is not the answer. Unless of course your somewhere and a hot guy wants to buy you a drink:p

[hopesndreams]

I don't feel like living anymore

 

You really need to put down your drink and make yourself a cup of coffee. You are a smart woman, I've read your posts...hey, I don't agree with everything you have to say but you have a great way of saying what I do disagree with.

 

I can't ask my husband for any sort of comfort; he's passive-aggressive and uses any opportunity to insult me.

 

That's terrible! You would do better on your own? What's the point in having a husband if he doesn't comfort you when you are down?

[RecordProducer]

I mean it's been a long time and the more you focus on still having him in your life you will never move on.

Long time? I moved out three months ago and we're still married.

 

You need IC. seriously.

I am sure everybody needs it. I just can't get over the feeling that therapists think we come to therapy because we're defective. The one and only therapist I visited two years ago for only three sessions, gave me a million computer questions (moslty asking about things that had nothing to do with me, like doing drugs) and finally concluded upon reading those tests "Oh, you broke some things, you're aggressive - you need a medication."

 

I wouldn't mind a pshychologist telling me I needed whatever if he actually gave me a minute of his time, but this one just tried to get rid of me - or so it felt for me. Giving me a computer test that lasted for an hour was insulting. Most of the questions were a "no" answer. He was supposed to listen to me. I don't care if giving me a computer test was easier for him or "necessary" - it was important to me to be heard as an individual.

Really focus on valuing those people who are there for you. You might not notice them right away because their support and love is quiet and steady, not dramatic. Pay attention and think about your history with them. It will come .

Nobody is there for me. I am all alone 24/7. From the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep. The people who are - I value them. Sure it helps, but apparently not to the point where I am feeling great.

 

RP I'm reasonably new in these forums but I have read a lot of the threads you have posted on and if they are anything to go by you sound like a beautiful person who has a lot to live for.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

 

I know how difficult it is when you feel lonely and feel like you have no one to lean on but I think you would be surprised how many people around you would care about you if you let them in a little.

New people never care about me. I come out as strong and whatever and people hate me for that. Women are always jealous of me and men only want to screw me. No, people don't care about me. Or you or anyone else.

I don't feel like living anymore

 

You really need to put down your drink and make yourself a cup of coffee. You are a smart woman, I've read your posts...hey, I don't agree with everything you have to say but you have a great way of saying what I do disagree with.

Aw, that's sweet of you. I know I am smart. That doesn't help me with being stupid.

 

That's terrible! You would do better on your own? What's the point in having a husband if he doesn't comfort you when you are down?

I am down because he dumped me. We're separated.

[BW007]

Rp -

As one of my voices of reason I hate to see you as down as I am. You mirrored my thoughts pretty clearly in this post. and you have given me some good advice since I have logged onto this site. It is disheartening that you feel so crappy yet it sounds like you are creative(music) and intelligent (law school) and I wish I had someone that dynamic in my life after all the loss I have felt. You sound awesome to me as an outsider so I bet many others feel that way about you too.

[marlena]

RP,

 

I wish you could get off the booze but I know how hard that is when your world is crumbling to pieces at your feet. Like TBF said, it is a depressant and can only mess with your head more. It will deplete your strength until you have none left to fight with. It will leave you weak, helpless and confused.

 

Now, the question is: how do you do this? I don't know. I don't have any quick fixes but here's how I think it will go. You will drink and drink until you hit rock bottom, until you become so disgusted with yourself that your disgust will turn to loathing and that loathing will shock you into taking steps one day. Sometimes, for some people rock bottom is where they need to go before they crawl out of the pit. And you will get to that point of revelation. Of this I am sure.

 

 

Personally, I think a job, any job that will get you out of the house, would go a long way in alleviating some of the depression that you are feeling. Would you consider this? Another suggestion: school will be over soon. Could you fly back to be with your mom for a while in the summer? Another thing I have not heard you say is that you are meeting new people. Get out and make an effort to make some friends. Life isn't that little hole of despair that you have buried yourself in. Come on, RP. Get a grip. You can do it. I know you can. You are a born fighter. This I know of you with certitude.

 

And why give your husband the satisfaction of seeing you in this state? It will only make him smug and selff-righteous and give him more fodder to criticize you and put you down. Surely, you don't want him to think that he was right!

 

Look. You made some bad choices just like I did. Forgive yourself and move on and learn from your mistakes. Put it behind you, RP. Tell yourself it is over,believe it, put it into practice and start working on healing and discovering yourself again. I know that you will one day soon. You can't do otherwise.

 

Maybe this is the last stage of a process that you need to go through. We all cope in different ways. I am confident that you will find your way out of this mess and pick up and move on and do great things.

 

Hugs sweetie.

 

M

[Darth Vader]

If you went to a bad pshychologist, then go to another pshychologist, get a second opinion, or a third. If you feel like there's something wrong with you in any way, there probably is.

 

Just like bad Lawyers, there are sucky doctors.

 

Furthermore, you need to get to the root cause of the sitch, before it gets any worse!

[Montclair0011]

Hang in there. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Many new and exciting adventures await and you don't want to miss them. I know what it is like to be alone and miserable. It's not like I wish I was dead, it's just that I wish I had never been born. Since that's out of my control at this point I might as well make a go of it.

 

And you should too.

 

I agree with the other poster that suggested getting a new therapist. Find someone good, even if they don't take insurance. It's worth the money. Look for someone with training in pychodynamic therapy as they will help you understand how you repeat mistakes from the past and more positive ways to respond to behavior.

 

You should also join AA to deal with the drinking. I'm not the biggest fan of step programs, but I think it would complement the therapy.

 

Also try to make yourself do things. I am a major procrastinator (like right now I need to get off the computer -- it's my version of drinking) but when I actually manage to get myself to do some of the the tasks on my list I feel so much better. I don't know how cleaning the bathroom makes me feel that at 50+ I might yet have another chance at love, but somehow it does. So get out the pencil and start writing those songs even if you have not a single idea in your head.

[RecordProducer]

Rp -

As one of my voices of reason I hate to see you as down as I am. You mirrored my thoughts pretty clearly in this post. and you have given me some good advice since I have logged onto this site. It is disheartening that you feel so crappy yet it sounds like you are creative(music) and intelligent (law school) and I wish I had someone that dynamic in my life after all the loss I have felt. You sound awesome to me as an outsider so I bet many others feel that way about you too.

You're sweet. Thank you.

 

And why give your husband the satisfaction of seeing you in this state? It will only make him smug and selff-righteous and give him more fodder to criticize you and put you down. Surely, you don't want him to think that he was right!

Marlena, no one has ever put so much energy and time into helping me become ME and get rid of all the bad stuff. You're like my sister or mother #2 or my other self. I know you're right about everything. It just feels so hard to be strong. I just want to lay down and sleep and not wake up until I feel better, until I am over him. You know what's a really stupid thing? If I divorced him now, the INS would think our marriage was sham, just for the green card - so here I am wanting to die because of this guy and if I file for divorce I'd be considered a green-card chaser who never loved him. I am dying to serve him the divorce papers, but I can't. I still don't have my citizenship.

 

No, he doesn't see me this way. I am all happy around him. He doesn't read LS either. And ever if he would, who cares? I am not going to stay away from myself to make him feel bad. He lost me, how much worse can thigns get for him? Seriously, he lost a woman who loved him to bits. I am more than he's ever had and will ever have in a woman. I'll get over him in a year or two, I know.

 

If you went to a bad pshychologist, then go to another pshychologist, get a second opinion, or a third. If you feel like there's something wrong with you in any way, there probably is.

No, I don't feel like there's anything wrong with me.

Hang in there. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you.

Montclair, you're kind and thank you for posting.

 

Everyone, thank you for your replies. TBF, you know I love you but I can't be as strong as you at this point. Your happiness gives me hope too and I am definitely happy for you.

 

I am still drowning...

[White Flower]

RP, you are such a beautiful and inspirational poster here at LS which I'm sure is true IRL. Yesterday I had a day just as bad as you. I don't drink though (except socially) but instead I cried.

 

I cried my freaking heart out.

 

Then I called every friend I had. One of them ivited me over (I went for about an hour) and then another called me back and took me out for cocktails. THANK GOD FOR FRIENDS AT A TIME LIKE THIS! I laughed the evening away in my favorite pub with live music and watched the dancers make fools of themselves. It was good to live again.

 

My point is, let your heart cry because it needs to. You should read John Gray's You Can Heal What You Feel. Feeling the pain and crying helps you to get over ANYTHING. Crying is a must, crying is good. Crying is why women live longer than men because we remove the nasty toxins from our body and we move on. And crying can replace the drinking.

 

And being from another country can oftentimes make you isolated. You need to bring more friends into your life baby. You need to be able to pick up the phone anytime and vent, cry, laugh, whatever. I have surrounded myself with friends and they have all been here for me during my D, my break-up with MM, my foreclosure/loan mod, etc. I would DIE without my friends since I really have no family left except a sibling who is going through the same thing as me.

 

Hang in there, keep posting and PM me. I'll give you my phone number. Maybe we even speak the same language.

 

Hugs,

WF.

[Lizzie60]

WOW.. what's in the air????

 

People are depressed.. everywhere.. come on.. now..

 

Alcohol is NOT the answer.. if you need to sleep ..then sleep.. just listen to your body. but alcohol and drugs are definitely NOT the answer.

 

Heartbreak is tough... but it can be overcome.. don't let the emotions get the best of you... I know you're way stronger than this..

 

This is only temporary.. but I can imagine how it feels while it lasts.. but tomorrow is another day.. take one day at a time.

 

RP.. you're one of my 'idol' on LS.. don't let yourself down.. pllleeeeeze.

[RecordProducer]

Aww, you girls are so sweet. Thank you for your consolation and kind words. WF, I will PM you. Lizzie, I guess spring is time for depression, my mom always used to tell me this.

 

I found two guys on a dating site that I might like (they are interested). They're good on paper, but not entirely my types intellectually, in the sense that they are not "philosophers" like me, they seem concrete. So I know that nothing serious is likely to come out of it. Should I get in touch with them or is it too soon?

[Trialbyfire]

Pffffttt...you're no coward, RP! What you are is someone who's been hurt badly and looks for escape from pain, through alcohol. Booze is self-defeating. You know it.

 

Is this the woman who embarked on a new life in a new country? Is this the woman who lives life with passionate zeal?

 

Get off the booze, if only for awhile. Really look at yourself in the mirror. Don't use someone else, like your two exes, as your mirror for self-worth. Is this who you are, who you want to be, who you're capable of being?

 

Give your head a good shake, woman. You're not some whiny teenage weakling, folding due to a lack of external male validation. You ARE, RP!

[carhill]

IMO, what you need now are good friends, both male and female, not guys from a dating site. People who you can share your experiences with and share theirs without any strings or expectations attached. Validation of the essence of who you are. Such people exist in real life just as they do here.

[Trialbyfire]

I totally refuse to validate self-medication by alcohol. I've seen first-hand, what it does to people, through my cousin, my good friend's husband and a number of essentially good people. It will tear you and your loved ones apart.

 

Kick it where it counts, out the door. You don't need it. You NEED to be you, which is your strong core. You don't NEED a prop, including male validation. You NEED to be honest with yourself.

 

You ARE lovable. You're adorable, full of passion, are talented, are intelligent. Believe it.

 

You're not adorable when you're hopped up on a mind-effing drug like alcohol, curled into a fetal ball, giving up on life. This isn't RP.

[RecordProducer]

Don't use someone else, like your two exes, as your mirror for self-worth. Is this who you are, who you want to be, who you're capable of being?

I don't know anymore, TBF.

 

IMO, what you need now are good friends, both male and female, not guys from a dating site. People who you can share your experiences with and share theirs without any strings or expectations attached. Validation of the essence of who you are. Such people exist in real life just as they do here.

You're probably right. I only have internet friends, though.

[carhill]

I only have internet friends, though

 

Although I resist believing that is true, we'll go with that and fix it. When and where?

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know anymore, TBF.

I'm going to ask you this in another way. Take away the element of romantic love. Tell me who you are. Tell me what you value about yourself. Tell me what's good in your life.

[RecordProducer]

Although I resist believing that is true, we'll go with that and fix it. When and where?

Carhill, just because you're only "virtual" doesn't mean I value the friendship less. Trust me, I don't have any freinds offline. My parents and kids are obviousl ymy best friends, but there is so much I can tell them without hurting them, so I refuse to tell them everything. Of course, you understand why I fake happiness with my kids, but I also don't want to upset my parents. And they are far away anyway.

 

I have a psedo-friend (former childhod neighbor) who lives 2.5 hours from my place, but she isn't quite a friend alhough I confide in her. Carhil, I'll PM you.

[RecordProducer]

I'm going to ask you this in another way. Take away the element of romantic love. Tell me who you are. Tell me what you value about yourself. Tell me what's good in your life.

I think of myself as pure. I don't give people sh*t unless they hurt me badly (and if I care about them). I think I want to make this world a better place. I think I am a passionatre, loving Mama. I am very private and only respond to good vibes. I know I am smart. I know I have character flaws, but I only want to make the ones I love happy - I never try to make anyone misreable, like some people have tried to make ME miserable.

 

I suffer because I am not understood. I suffer because my ex enjoys hurting me. I suffer because he doesn't care and he let me struggle on my own with my pain.

[Trialbyfire]

I think of myself as pure. I don't give people sh*t unless they hurt me badly (and if I care about them). I think I want to make this world a better place. I think I am a passionatre, loving Mama. I am very private and only respond to good vibes. I know I am smart. I know I have character flaws, but I only want to make the ones I love happy - I never try to make anyone misreable, like some people have tried to make ME miserable.

 

I suffer because I am not understood. I suffer because my ex enjoys hurting me. I suffer because he doesn't care and he let me struggle on my own with my pain.

You're going to law school in the future. Do you suppose you can make a difference with these skills?

 

You suffer because you allow him to get to you. If you think about it, why would you allow someone the ability to hurt and harm you, when he's not wanting the best for you? Only you can stop him.

 

You've given him your heart. He's shredded it into a thousand pieces. Do you feel you deserve to be emotionally abused? If not, why allow him the ability to hurt you? To be fair, you also lash out at him. So his heart is probably in a thousand pieces. He's not going to be thinking about what's good for you. He's going to self-protect.

 

There's no trust or respect left between the two of you. Let go and keep on moving forward. Do this for both your sanity and the sanity of your beautiful children.

 

And for the love of god, stop self-medicating. Stop self-harming. Please.