I don't feel like living anymore

[mental_traveller]

 

I found two guys on a dating site that I might like (they are interested). They're good on paper, but not entirely my types intellectually, in the sense that they are not "philosophers" like me, they seem concrete. So I know that nothing serious is likely to come out of it. Should I get in touch with them or is it too soon?

 

I second the other comments by people on this thread. IMO it's impressive how you've been really determined in your situation - moving country is hard but especially if it's for a marriage and then it gets into trouble. Lots of people would give up, but instead you applied and got into law school - many people try to do just that but fail. You've already shown both with your music back in your home country, and now with law in the US, that you're capable of good achievements even in adverse circumstances. So I am pretty confident you can handle this situation too.

 

IMO your main problem is just you married 2 guys who weren't right for you. I'm not sure if that was just bad luck, or if you made bad judgements - it's hard to tell. But my advice would be to not try so hard to find a guy for a relationship now - instead just date casually with no intention of getting serious. Just enjoy the moment and the company & conversation. If you go into it with no expectations, then you can't get disappointed. What may happen is you have a decent time, and then eventually, maybe even a year or two or more, you might by chance meet someone you really click with.

 

If you go out there "seeking" someone, you are likely to repeat the previous mistakes of going for someone less than ideal. I think we've all done that! So look less, relax and enjoy things more, and let the relationship side happen when it happens.

 

P.S. as for drinking, yeah it's not too good to overdo it as an escape from unhappy circumstances, but it doesn't mean you're an alcoholic or your life is a mess. What about trying to find some platonic friends who are on your wavelength or share interests & philosophy on life? That's easier than trying to find a soulmate. Moving country cuts off your circle of friends, so making new ones is important.

[Storyrider]

RP, sorry you're feeling bad.

 

You are an extremely strong personality, and you should be with someone who is strong enough to appreciate the positives that come with that. I can't promise that you'll find that person, but isn't being single better than being with someone who will never be able to get you? You are too much woman for your husband.

[RecordProducer]

There's no trust or respect left between the two of you. Let go and keep on moving forward.

I realize this. Last week I realized that he doesn't love me and probably never truly loved me. This hurts. He threw me out of his life and doesn't care. I know he's been depressed too, but obviouslyit's not because he wants me back or he'd be on his knees crying and begging. I am sad because I finally know it's really over. We'll never be together again.

 

IMO it's impressive how you've been really determined in your situation... You've already shown both with your music back in your home country, and now with law in the US, that you're capable of good achievements even in adverse circumstances. So I am pretty confident you can handle this situation too.

This sounds like the personal statement I wrote for my law school application. I think everybody is capable of good achievements, especially in adverse circumstances.

 

As for seeking men, I don't feel like dating right now anyway. I want to focus on my music, law school, and my kids in the next year. The problem is that I want to zoom my attention OUT of my marriage, but it's just so hard.

 

You are too much woman for your husband.

Maybe you're right. Or should we say, he's not enough man for me?

 

Thank you, guys. Please, keep posting, you're helping me a lot. I don't know what I'd do without LS. I am still feeling down.

[White Flower]

I think of myself as pure. I don't give people sh*t unless they hurt me badly (and if I care about them). I think I want to make this world a better place. I think I am a passionatre, loving Mama. I am very private and only respond to good vibes. I know I am smart. I know I have character flaws, but I only want to make the ones I love happy - I never try to make anyone misreable, like some people have tried to make ME miserable.

 

I suffer because I am not understood. I suffer because my ex enjoys hurting me. I suffer because he doesn't care and he let me struggle on my own with my pain.

Focus on those good qualities and do not identify with yourself from your H's point of view. I know what he did hurts but the pain will pass. Once you move past that, you still have your great qualities which is all one really ever needs.

[carhill]

Carhill, just because you're only "virtual" doesn't mean I value the friendship less.

Yes, and likewise; however, there is a special nuance to personal contact which cannot be duplicated in any other way. It's why I flew across the country to spend a week in a RV with my best friend and his wife. It's why I flew to Boston a couple weeks ago to accompany a friend on part of her journey to visit her daughter. These are ways friends do things for each other and support each other. When the latter friend came to me many years ago in pain similar to yours, she had no realization of my feelings for her, merely that I was a friend she could connect with. The personal interaction benefited her and she has always loved me for it, or so she has said. I hope you can find such people in your life, those with whom you can experience a different kind of love than that with your parents and children and different from romance.

 

Others here are telling you what a great and strong person you are. I'm here to tell you to take that energy and put it out there; move outside yourself and embrace the broader world. Share it with those you feel a connection with.

 

If you're reading this sitting alone on this Saturday night, take heart. I'm staring at a laundry basket full of clothes I need to put away in a mostly empty house, surrounded by furniture and things from my mom's house since my wife moved all our stuff to her house. I smile as I look around. Home is indeed where the heart is.

 

Oh, BTW, I was overrun today by a bunch of strangers looking to buy my "foreclosed" house (people mistake addresses out here in the country). Nothing quite like looking out the window to people roaming your back yard. I bid them good luck with the foreclosures on either side of me and told them I was looking for "good neighbors" And you think you're tired of living

 

OK, time for dinner!

[RecordProducer]

Focus on those good qualities and do not identify with yourself from your H's point of view. I know what he did hurts but the pain will pass. Once you move past that, you still have your great qualities which is all one really ever needs.

I agree that I shouldn't see myself through his eyes. I know I will let that image go with time. He made me feel so worthless. I just want these feelings to go away. I don't want to love him, I want to be free. OK, I am crying right now, which is very rare. I am a big cryer but I haven't cried for him after this separation more than three times in three months.

 

I can't even say I miss him. There's nothing to be missed about him. I don't miss his passive-aggressive behavior, him ignoring me, the lack of sex and affection, him telling me "Get the F out of my life!'... no, I don't miss any of it. And honestly I can't remember anything good about him. I can't remembner that he ever did anything to make me feel loved. I felt like I was homeless living in his house. The dating phase turned into a night mare when we started living together.

 

What pisses me off is that he'll find some young, hot gold digger as his next victim and he'll rub it in my face that she is better than me. I do wish him the best, but frankly, I don't think he can find the best.

 

Others here are telling you what a great and strong person you are. I'm here to tell you to take that energy and put it out there; move outside yourself and embrace the broader world. Share it with those you feel a connection with.

I don't know how to find friends IRL. I am not good at it.

 

If you're reading this sitting alone on this Saturday night, take heart.

What's the f*cking big deal about being alone on a Saturday night? It's a day like any other. But! No, I am not alone. At 10 pm I went to pick up my kids from his house. I figured, why would HE be privilleged as to spend the night with my kids while I am all alone? I'll have HIM be alone on a Sat night. I picked up my little "jelly fish" (that's one of the names I call them) and made them mac'n'cheese and I feel much better now.

[White Flower]

I agree that I shouldn't see myself through his eyes. I know I will let that image go with time. He made me feel so worthless. I just want these feelings to go away. I don't want to love him, I want to be free. OK, I am crying right now, which is very rare. I am a big cryer but I haven't cried for him after this separation more than three times in three months.

 

I can't even say I miss him. There's nothing to be missed about him. I don't miss his passive-aggressive behavior, him ignoring me, the lack of sex and affection, him telling me "Get the F out of my life!'... no, I don't miss any of it. And honestly I can't remember anything good about him. I can't remembner that he ever did anything to make me feel loved. I felt like I was homeless living in his house. The dating phase turned into a night mare when we started living together.

 

What pisses me off is that he'll find some young, hot gold digger as his next victim and he'll rub it in my face that she is better than me. I do wish him the best, but frankly, I don't think he can find the best.

 

Crying is good. It helps you to heal as I said before. You are starting the process now, believe it or not.

 

And you are right, he'll get on with his life but he is losing the best thing he ever had. You will always know this. Don't ever forget it.

 

I'm making mac n cheese too, as per my son's request;)

[carhill]

What's the f*cking big deal about being alone on a Saturday night? It's a day like any other.

 

Ah, just reminiscing over my many years as a single person

 

No, I am not alone. At 10 pm I went to pick up my kids from his house.

 

With children, you're never really alone. A gift that I will never know. Fortune smiles upon you

[RecordProducer]

It's been another bad day. I am so depressed. I am sober now and won't buy anymore booze. As of tomorrow, I am going to have to force myself to work on my music, go on a diet and quit smoking (no drinking either, of course). Regarding meeting people, I really don't think this is a good time to meet any new people and make new friends. I am in a terrible state, I don't want anyone to see me like this.

 

I feel stupid that I ever loved that cruel and merciless man who didn't care about me and enjoyed hurting me. I feel betrayed, because when you say "I do" you're supposed to LOVE your spouse. I don't think he knows what love is.

 

In any case, it's over and I don't want him back, just to make that clear. I can't wait to get over him. I had nothing good with him, only pain. That's the thing that hurts me: that I poured my heart and soul into this marriage, and he just walked all over me and finally threw me out like trash. There is nothing he could possibly do or say after all the pain to make me feel better about him. Not that he'd ever apologize or anything. I already know that he's arrogant and NEVER apologizes. He could've at least apologized for the abuse that his family gave me. Instead, he first accused ME of being the bad guy and later said it wasn't his fault that THEY gave me crap. Urgh...

[carhill]

taps desk.....

 

Why meet a new person when an old one will do?

 

Um, IMO, don't try to do too much at once. I'd pick the alcohol as first to go. That'll help with the calories (tons of them in alcohol) and your blood sugar which will help the diet along. When you're feeling good, that's the time to tackle the smoking part.

 

It took me a long time to get to acceptance. I hope your journey is more brief. It's a pretty peaceful place most of the time.

 

Just heard from my best friend's wife from their camp in the Ozarks. She was thinking of me. Interesting how that works

 

You have to take the first step....

[Ariadne]

RP,

 

I think it is pretty normal the way that you feel right now so don't beat yourself too much about it and just try and get mopey for a bit.

 

It's just pretty scary to be all alone with two kids to take care off and no help. Plus, you are about to start law school because you feel like you have to make good money now and the music is unreliable, but you don't like it.

 

I believe in a little while you'll charge your batteries and start feeling better. Good thing Summer is coming and that helps.

 

You said one time that you liked jogging, now it would be a good time. I also think that visiting your family back home it will do you a world of good.

 

If you have the green card, you can apply for citizenship no problem, no questions asked, regardless if you got divorced.

 

Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

[White Flower]

It's been another bad day. I am so depressed. I am sober now and won't buy anymore booze. As of tomorrow, I am going to have to force myself to work on my music, go on a diet and quit smoking (no drinking either, of course). Regarding meeting people, I really don't think this is a good time to meet any new people and make new friends. I am in a terrible state, I don't want anyone to see me like this.

 

I feel stupid that I ever loved that cruel and merciless man who didn't care about me and enjoyed hurting me. I feel betrayed, because when you say "I do" you're supposed to LOVE your spouse. I don't think he knows what love is.

 

In any case, it's over and I don't want him back, just to make that clear. I can't wait to get over him. I had nothing good with him, only pain. That's the thing that hurts me: that I poured my heart and soul into this marriage, and he just walked all over me and finally threw me out like trash. There is nothing he could possibly do or say after all the pain to make me feel better about him. Not that he'd ever apologize or anything. I already know that he's arrogant and NEVER apologizes. He could've at least apologized for the abuse that his family gave me. Instead, he first accused ME of being the bad guy and later said it wasn't his fault that THEY gave me crap. Urgh...

Sweetie it will take time. Your H and his family sound so similar to mine. In time you will see that continuing a life with them would have been toxic for you so you are better for having gotten out of that family. It still hurts me that my in-laws haven't rallied around me like I would have liked after the D, but it just proves what I said about them all along: they only think about themselves.

 

You need to surround yourself with people who THINK ABOUT YOU. Do not settle for anything less.

 

Hugs,

WF.

[RecordProducer]

Thank you everyone for listening. You're all so kind. Please keep posting.

 

Well, I dropped the kids off at his house around 9 pm. I didn't get out of the car nor did I wave or say hello to him. On my way back, I heard this song "It's a great day to be alive" and I just burst in tears and couldn't stop crying.

 

I was doing fine most of the time since I moved out and didn't even miss him. I don't know why I am so sad lately. I guess it hurts to know that someone I loved so much just kicked me out of his house and life.

 

I know he's been depressed and he misses me, but I think he enjoys (in lack of a better word) the misery. I really think he doesn't want to be happy. I remember, at one point I was a perfect wife and for a month things were great, we were looking to buy a house, etc. Then he suddenly said (one day after my LSAT, apparently, he waited for me to pass the test) "I think we should divorce" - out of the blue. He never withdrew that statement and kept hurting me afterward, but he also gave me mixed signals. So when we were happy, he wasn't happy.

 

Also, a couple weeks before I moved out, he initiated sex and it was beautiful and passionate and in the morning, I told him "Let's give our marriage a chance, let's not split" (which is probably the 4,5628th time I've asked him throughout our marriage) and he said "I think you should proceed with the move." Then why did he initiate sex? He never wanted sex, so it's not like it was just a matter of libido. We had long sexless months (once it was seven!) and it was always me who had to beg him for sex.

 

Despite of him saying that I was a bad wife, I don't think that's the reason why he threw me out. If you're not happy with your spouse's behavior and they offer to work on the marriage and go to MC, if you love them, you'll accept the opportunity wholeheartedly, right? I offered to be exactly what he wanted and to change according to his wishes, and do whatever he wanted me to do. Yeah, I was a doormat. But he always refused and kept hurting me in one way or another, so of course, I was desperate, angry, yelling at him, etc.

 

I think of him as an emotionally crippled man. His emotional equipment is that of a six-year old having feelings for another girl from kindergarten. And if he was so right and I was so bad, why didn't he want to go to MC? And if he loved me, as he claims, why would he want to trash a third marriage in his 50's, especially since he loves my kids so much? He keeps telling me "You ruined what could've been a good thing." How did I ruin it when he NEVER wanted to give us a chance or commit?

 

The only time he wanted to give us a chance was when he found out I slept with someone else (I didn't hide it, on the contrary). But he didn't want to change anything about him - he only changed his mind about working on the marriage. He probably thought (and still thinks) that I'd beg him to take me back. I haven't done that since I moved out and I am determined to move on.

 

It hurts like hell, but I am going to work through the pain. I deserve someone who will love me. I will be good to the man who will appreciate and respect me. Being constantly threatened with breakup and living with someone who's not committed to you is the worst thing in a marriage. It's worse than cheating. I would prefer to have a guy who cheats but wants to stick with me - and since I would never stay with a cheater, you can imagine how painful my marriage was for me. Not even once did he admit any mistake, apologize or say "Let's try to work on this." He only expected from me to eat crap and keep my mouth shut, to act like a piece of furniture.

 

Yes, it hurts, but every day filled with pain, a piece of life wasted in misery, only reminds me of what I don't want. While I was so ready to save the marriage, three months after I moved out, I can only look ahead. From this point, the road of healing myself from the marriage is the shortest and least painful. I don't really have any alternative, and I can't escape from the current pain, but I realize that the end had to come and it's the best outcome. I am grateful for my wonderful children and everything in life that I have. When I graduate from law school (God willing), I will pick a job that will fulfill me. We only live once and I don't want to feel like a slave so I can pay off a big house, fancy cars and luxurious vacations. To the hell with that. I want to feel happy and enjoy my career.

 

He has a hernia-removal surgery in a week. He asked me to drop him off at the hospital. I told him "Why don't you ask some of your dancing partners to drop you off? You call them friends and you chose them over me and our marriage. You told me to get the F out of your life." Then tonight I asked him about some appointment at the school that we have on that very day and he asked me again if I could drop him off. I said yeah, whatever. In any case, it's my little victory. He has parents here, friends and "friends," and at the end, he comes to me. It's not because he needs a ride, he can call a cab. He is hoping for some post-operative TLC, because he knows how caring and concerned I get when he is not feeling well. I'd let him eat his words and find out that when you throw your wife out, you don't get any TLC from her. After all, he told me (when I took a bunch of pills with booze two years ago) "Why would I care if you die? I didn't kill you." Of course, he just SAID that, it doesn't mean he meant it, but he did turn around and go to sleep that night.

 

However, I can't be such a monster. It's not humane and I don't want to burn bridges. My best friend advised me to be just civil. So I'll offer him help with whatever he needs, but I'll make sure he realizes that I consider it my duty as a relative. He should see that the whole world abandoned him and the dancers and the pilots won't come to take care of him. He keeps telling me that he was alone and single most of his life. Bullsh*t! In the past 20 years, he's spent 10 years in three marriages and he's lived with a few other women (I know of three), and he's banged and dated dozens of women. He's never been alone and he can't be alone. But it's easy to find women when you're young and many women in your age group are still attractive and single (looks matter to him big time!).

 

He'll never find a better woman than me, and if he does, since he doesn't deserve her, she won't stay too long. He keeps jumping from one person to another like the story of the skunk who couldn't find a place to settle because all the places stunk. No woman is good enough for him to commit to her. He says he holds grudges against me. Well, love is not for those who hold grudges and can't forgive anything. It's not for those who are "always right" and can't admit their own mistakes or can't say "I'm sorry I hurt you." It's not for those who threaten with divorce and want everything to be their way.

 

I just regret one thing: that I begged him to work on the marriage instead of packing my bags long time ago. But then again, it's good that he kicked me out so I know it's him who destroyed the marriage. I know that after this, he can't have me back no matter what, so I don't think about whether I can have HIM back.

[Touche]

RP, hugs! You know I think the world of you. I've hesitated to post on your threads though.

 

Have you seen my "VIABLE" thread?

 

It really didn't take a genius to know that this wasn't going to work out, dear. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me. But at the time you were posting about getting together with him and at the time he was even posting, I thought "No way...I give this 2 years tops."

 

If you never want to talk to me again, I don't blame you but I'm telling you the truth. This had "disaster" written all over it...on so many levels that I wouldn't even know where to start.

 

For now, you need to step waaaay back from him.

 

I must say that I think it's sweet that he's so close to your boys but I wonder why their own father isn't in their life. I'm sure that must affect them somehow. I mean this guy has only been in their life a short time, right? I'm pretty sure they haven't just forgotten about their real dad. I've always wondered about that. Do you talk to them about him?

 

So much about this whole thing disturbs me. The fact that you told them that you had an abortion disturbed me to no end, RP.

 

How are they doing in all of this? I'm very concerned about your sweet boys. I know you love them. Do you think they're coping alright?

 

As for you, you're strong. Continue with your plans. Swear off men for awhile. How about 6 months? Just concentrate on your boys and school. You can do that.

 

Forget about him. He's seriously disturbed. He had red flags waving all over the place but you chose to ignore them.

 

He's a spoiled brat who only can appreciate what he thinks he can't have. How can you go through life playing that stupid cat and mouse game? Forget that.

 

Don't you deserve a good man who can love you and your kids without the games? Someone who can embrace you and appreciate you for the woman you are... even with your faults?

 

Believe with all your heart and soul that you deserve that, and you will get it.

[RecordProducer]

It really didn't take a genius to know that this wasn't going to work out, dear.

I guess I was dumb enough.

 

If you never want to talk to me again, I don't blame you but I'm telling you the truth.

Why on earth would I be mad at you, Sister? Oh, let me guess, you're just jealous of my wonderful husband and want him for yourself.

 

This had "disaster" written all over it...on so many levels that I wouldn't even know where to start.

Actually this helps me the most because if I know it wasn't meant to be, then it's easier to move on. And you happen to be familiar with the passive-aggressive, emotionally screwed up type. Besides, you followed the story from the very beginning. Everybody who was following it stopped believing in us long time ago.

 

I must say that I think it's sweet that he's so close to your boys but I wonder why their own father isn't in their life.

He lives 5,000 miles away and they talk to him and his daughter (their sister) on the phone.

 

The fact that you told them that you had an abortion disturbed me to no end, RP.

I wanted to have his baby and he made me believe he wanted it too, so I announced my pregnancy as good news. Unfortunately, he thought I tricked him into it as if it's a sin to have your husband's child.

How are they doing in all of this? I'm very concerned about your sweet boys. I know you love them. Do you think they're coping alright?

They are fine. My son just told me yesterday that it wasn't meant to be, so no regrets, that it's better that we don't fight anymore. They get to see him and me all the time, so they are not missing on anything. I guess they wouldn't be fine if he brought a woman who hated them, but I don't think he'd do it. We live only 5 min apart, so we're practically neighbors. The kids are happy, lively, and laughing as always.

 

As for you, you're strong. Continue with your plans. Swear off men for awhile. How about 6 months? Just concentrate on your boys and school. You can do that.

That's exactly what I plan to do. I am obsessed with being the best student I can be, I know how important that is for my future options. I totally don't feel like dating anyone right now. I am not ready for a big love and I don't want casual romance. Dating requires energy and puts you at risk to end up hurt - and I don't really need that crap right now. I'll be ready to meet Mr. Right when I am employed and settled. I don't need another Cinderella story. They only work in the movies.

He's a spoiled brat who only can appreciate what he thinks he can't have. How can you go through life playing that stupid cat and mouse game? Forget that.

You're right, I don't want to play games, I am not that type. As for him wanting what he can't have, it sounds like you predict that he'll chase after me when he realizes that he can't have me. I can't wait for that moment, not because I need his fake remorse, but because that will the moment when I will REALLY be 100% over him.

 

Someone who can embrace you and appreciate you for the woman you are... even with your faults?

I want someone who won't trigger my faults. H always pushed my buttons until I would explode. Actually, several times I caught him pushing and pushing, while I was cheerful and not responsive to his crap, and he eventually managed to provoke me and make me scream. Then he withdrew cuz he got what he wanted: she is a hysterical bitch and this is why we don't get along, I am such a great guy.

[Touche]

I guess I was dumb enough.

 

Not at all, sis. You just have a warm heart like many of us who have made a mistake in loving the wrong man.

 

Why on earth would I be mad at you, Sister? Oh, let me guess, you're just jealous of my wonderful husband and want him for yourself.

 

I love your sweet spirit. Please don't lose it. And your great sense of humor is what will see you through successfully in this life.

 

Actually this helps me the most because if I know it wasn't meant to be, then it's easier to move on. And you happen to be familiar with the passive-aggressive, emotionally screwed up type. Besides, you followed the story from the very beginning. Everybody who was following it stopped believing in us long time ago.

 

He lives 5,000 miles away and they talk to him and his daughter (their sister) on the phone.

 

That's good, RP. But don't they miss seeing their dad in person?

 

I wanted to have his baby and he made me believe he wanted it too, so I announced my pregnancy as good news. Unfortunately, he thought I tricked him into it as if it's a sin to have your husband's child.

They are fine. My son just told me yesterday that it wasn't meant to be, so no regrets, that it's better that we don't fight anymore. They get to see him and me all the time, so they are not missing on anything. I guess they wouldn't be fine if he brought a woman who hated them, but I don't think he'd do it. We live only 5 min apart, so we're practically neighbors. The kids are happy, lively, and laughing as always.

 

I'm very glad that your boys are happy. They're precious angels.

 

That's exactly what I plan to do. I am obsessed with being the best student I can be, I know how important that is for my future options. I totally don't feel like dating anyone right now. I am not ready for a big love and I don't want casual romance. Dating requires energy and puts you at risk to end up hurt - and I don't really need that crap right now. I'll be ready to meet Mr. Right when I am employed and settled. I don't need another Cinderella story. They only work in the movies.

You're right, I don't want to play games, I am not that type. As for him wanting what he can't have, it sounds like you predict that he'll chase after me when he realizes that he can't have me. I can't wait for that moment, not because I need his fake remorse, but because that will the moment when I will REALLY be 100% over him.

 

I want someone who won't trigger my faults. H always pushed my buttons until I would explode. Actually, several times I caught him pushing and pushing, while I was cheerful and not responsive to his crap, and he eventually managed to provoke me and make me scream. Then he withdrew cuz he got what he wanted: she is a hysterical bitch and this is why we don't get along, I am such a great guy.

 

Wow, can I relate to that last bit. Screw that crap. You sure brought back old bad memories there for me. I say EFF that. Kick him to the curb. You're a Goddess who can do better than that old screwed up man!!!

 

You do remember my ex was 19 years older than me and controlled me for years don't you?

 

I've been done with that for a loooonnnnggg time now.

 

I was prepared to spend the rest of my life alone before I let anyone not appreciate me the way I was prepared to appreciate them.

 

Hold to that standard and I VERY much doubt you'll be spending your days alone...you're too smart and too gorgeous for that, dear.

[Touche]

I want to touch on something else too. That part about someone not "triggering your faults." That is SO key. I know what you mean.

 

I've talked about this on here.

 

Certain people bring out our very worst traits. No matter how much you love them, they just don't bring our best. You have to steer clear of people like that.

 

They might be perfectly nice people. They just bring out our "crazy" side. They get under our skin. Who needs that?

 

We should strive to be with people who bring out our very, very best.

 

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

 

Even on here...and I've been on here for close to 4 years now, I can think of certain people that I just love but who don't bring out my best. In real life, I'd be running from them so fast it would make your head spin!

 

You have to really pay attention to what side of you people bring out.

 

Remember the time you had a fight with him early on and then you had one that went public on here? THAT should have been your red flag. The die was cast early on.

 

Learn from this. Be well. Expect more and better than what you've gotten in the past, RP. You deserve it.

 

And your boys deserve to see you happy...with or without a man.

[RecordProducer]

I have to come out as a winner from this sad story. I am going to organize myself and stick to the plan.

 

1. I'll wake up early every morning and set up my diet for the day.

 

2. Then I'll work on my music until 3 pm, so no matter how unmotivated, I will have it done before the kids come from school.

 

3. In the afternoons and evenings, I wll hang out with the kids, on LS, watch TV...

 

4. I'll exercise. I love to dance so I'll do that (at home). I also like taking walks so since the weather is nice now, I can do that, too.

 

5. No booze and I'll also try not to smoke.

 

I believe that if I organize myself, I'll be happy with myself, feel productive, and re-gain control over my life. I'll atack the bad emotions rather than succumb to them. Most importantly, when I see the new results (finished songs, nicer body, better mood, more energy), I'll feel much stronger and happier.

 

I am going to stop feeling, looking, and acting like an underdog. I am going to shine like a star. Re-gaining the self-esteem that he systematically deroded for three years is the first step toward healing. And self-esteem comes with achievements and productiveness.

 

Touche, thank you for the extensive response.

[Touche]

I have to come out as a winner from this sad story. I am going to organize myself and stick to the plan.

 

1. I'll wake up early every morning and set up my diet for the day.

 

2. Then I'll work on my music until 3 pm, so no matter how unmotivated, I will have it done before the kids come from school.

 

3. In the afternoons and evenings, I wll hang out with the kids, on LS, watch TV...

 

4. I'll exercise. I love to dance so I'll do that (at home). I also like taking walks so since the weather is nice now, I can do that, too.

 

5. No booze and I'll also try not to smoke.

 

I believe that if I organize myself, I'll be happy with myself, feel productive, and re-gain control over my life. I'll atack the bad emotions rather than succumb to them. Most importantly, when I see the new results (finished songs, nicer body, better mood, more energy), I'll feel much stronger and happier.

 

I am going to stop feeling, looking, and acting like an underdog. I am going to shine like a star. Re-gaining the self-esteem that he systematically deroded for three years is the first step toward healing. And self-esteem comes with achievements and productiveness.

 

Touche, thank you for the extensive response.

 

No need to thank me, RP. You're a strong woman. I love your spirit here. Now THAT'S the RP we all have come to know and love.

 

Yes, stop acting like a victim. YOU'RE in charge. Not him.

 

You can take control again. Do it!!!

[RecordProducer]

Now THAT'S the RP we all have come to know and love.

I knew you would say that!

 

I actually feel like tomorrow morning, this lady will come and take care of me, and make sure I recover quickly. I told myself there's no one to take care of me, so I must take care of myself - my strong side of my weak side. The adult in me of the child in me. I have to play my own mother here. I will have to acquire the split-personality disorder for a while and be slightly merciless toward myself in order to be 100% merciful. The reward will be immense. I am already feeling better.

[White Flower]

The reward will be immense. I am already feeling better.

That is great RP! Now get some sleep. It is waaaayyy past your bedtime!

[Athena]

RP, I just read your entire thread and am glad to see you are taking action today to make yourself feel better!

However, I would still like to comment on your previous posts, and to me -- it is obvious you were struggling to understand your H and his actions towards you... I don't know if you realize this, but your husband sounds like a classic Narcissist.

 

Please look it up on the Internet, and read as much as you can about Narcissism, because it will give you the key to unlock and understand your H's thoughts/actions/ and lack of ability to have an emotionally fulfilling relationship with you. Knowledge is Power. It is important to know what you have been dealing with all along.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks WF and Athena.

Knowledge is Power. It is important to know what you have been dealing with all along.

Hm.. I never thought of him as a Narcissist, probably because I associate this term with a different type of people, but I will definitely look it up (never have before) and let you know if it fits. Oh, I absolutely agree that knowledge is power, not just to figure out the past, but also the future.

[RecordProducer]

I don't know if you realize this, but your husband sounds like a classic Narcissist.

 

Please look it up on the Internet, and read as much as you can about Narcissism, because it will give you the key to unlock and understand your H's thoughts/actions/ and lack of ability to have an emotionally fulfilling relationship with you.

Athena, everybody on this forum has given me great no-nonsense advice and support, but nothing has worked for me as such a huge revelation as your diagnosis. I read about NPD for the first time, not expecting any discoveries, and I was shocked as to how much he sounded like the profile described.

 

Some people on those websites stated their own experiences and attributed irrelevant traits to NPD, but this is simply because they can't discern the personality disorder from regular flaws. However, the medical description absolutely describes my husband. Thank you so much for posting here. I don't even care if what he has is NPD or not. I can call it SMP (sh*ty marital partner), but reading about this cruel, arrogant, self-centered, uncompassionate person - and being so reminded of my husband - just made me realize that nobody could ever have a relationship with him. That no matter how faulty I (or his exes) might be, he is defective in his core.

 

I also got to read some of my emails to LS members, because I had to empty my mailbox, and I was reminded of the pain I felt throughout our marriage. Until today, I would get sad thinking of our years together and our separation. After reading about NPD and after realizing that he is severely disturbed, I feel like I was saved from something horrible.

 

Everybody told me that he's sick, but I always thought "these people only know my side, maybe I am the bad one." I always question myself and try to establish if I am at fault for my unhappiness - because if I am, I can improve things by changing myself, not others. But it's not about me being the bad one or the good one. I might be the worst or the best or anywhere in the middle; he is incapable of creating a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

Without going into more details. I feel so much better for the first time after three months. I mean better as in happy and relieved about the end of my marriage. And I feel genuinely sorry for him. I don't think he doesn't love, because I know he loves my kids. I know he loves his family and he probably loved his wives. But he is incapable of being a good partner, which is very sad. Wives come and go, but he has to live with himself. Now that makes me sad. I am not sad for myself anymore, I am glad he kicked me out; now I wish I could help him. I don't see how though.

[Athena]

RP, I can't tell you how pleased I am for you that you have found some information to help you let go of a severely flawed man and a marriage that must have been impossible to maintain!

 

I can see you take your marriage vows seriously and did everything you could to try to make your marriage work.

But, sadly you could not.

The next best thing is to walk away from him and start a new life without looking back.

 

As for your thoughts about trying to find help for him -- sadly you cannot... a narcissist is not unhappy enough to want to change. He only leaves a wake of destruction behind him as he moves on to his next source of narcissistic supply.

I can only caution you to be very careful next time to NOT be taken in by a Charmer (this is my weakness too, and I have a N husband as well). Learn what you can to never repeat that mistake of man again.

Personally, I think that the way to avoid the same choice in man is to take a new relationship really slowly... as much as a N. man will try rush the romantic side of the relationship, you must try to slow it down... TIME will expose them...their real character leaches out with time.

Best of luck to you in regaining your sense of normality and self-dignity after being subjected to a cruel man. You have a bright future ahead of you with your studies in law opening the door. You will be fine.