She left me, her kids, her church, her house...

[ExRadioDJ41]

In the "Breaking Up" section of this forum, I had a post about a girl I'd been in a relationship with for many years calling off our engagement saying I'd taken too long to marry. She then hooked up with another guy from work like a couple weeks later that seems to me to be like a "rebound guy" but she swore he wasn't the issue that broke us up.

 

Well, I tried to work things out, and for a while there they looked like they might. She said she still cared for me, didn't want to lose me, and still wanted to marry me someday. But then she pulled away completely. Basically, we're neighbors (although we had been living together the past 1 1/2 years), and one day she just didn't come home from work.

 

That was two weeks ago.

 

But she also has three kids - two of them live at home. None of them were mine. One 19 in college, one 18 who is a senior in HS, and one girl, 15. She just kinda left them too. When I've talked to her on the phone since, she tells me they are fine and old enough to take care of themselves. But they are obviously hurt and confused over this. The 18 y/o boy told his grandmother this week that it's been obvious that she doesn't care about them in the past, but now it's totally obvious that she doesn't love them. Just sad. She was never the best mother before. I can tell she wasn't raised right either. But now she isn't even buying like groceries for her kids. They are just like managing on their own with the help of their grandparents or anyone else that will help them.

 

She was also active in her church. She was even in the choir, and attended Tuesday night bible study, so she would be there 3 times a week. It was very important to her. The thing that bugged her most, she always told me, about her first marriage was that the guy didn't attend church regularly (I do; the guy she is seeing now doesn't at all - he's the total opposite of me).

 

Oh, and her house. She isn't paying any bills. The electricity will be cut off in a few days. The grass is growing high. She owns this house and has for almost 10 years (although she doesn't have any equity in it since she took out a second mortgage a couple years ago).

 

Basically, she's acting very immature, like all she cares about is herself and this guy right now. She doesn't seem to be taking care of any of her own responsibilities now. She works, the only thing she's kept from her past, but like I said, isn't paying her own bills. She had to buy a car when we broke up because she had been using/borrowing mine, and shes been driving it more than a month after the temp tags expired without paying the taxes on it.

 

Everyone I know - our friends, her pastor, her family - tells me this is temporary. That this wont work out. Everyone tells me she'll be back and trying to work things out with me when she comes back. I sort of believe this too. While it's been two months since she broke up with me, I still think about her everyday, and I can't help but still love and care for her even if sometimes I can't even understand why. I can only hope that I find someone else before she works things out because I can see that she has problems I can't fix. At one point, I thought I could but I don't think so as much anymore.

 

I guess I'm just curious if anyone has ever seen someone leave like EVERYTHING they are to be in another relationship, and how thats worked out for them?

[CaliGuy]

I'm very sorry you are going through this. This has to suck.

 

Honestly if I were you I would call child protective services and let them know the mother has abandoned her kids and there is a 15 year old at home fending for herself.

 

This woman has psychological issues if she can just leave her kids like that.

 

I'm really concerned for the kids...

[ExRadioDJ41]

Honestly if I were you I would call child protective services and let them know the mother has abandoned her kids and there is a 15 year old at home fending for herself.

 

I don't think that I should be the one to do this. It would definitely seem as if I was doing this for the wrong reasons if I did, in my opinion. In our last argument, my ex has already screamed at me, "so what are you going to call the police next and tell them I abandoned my kids?" In reality, I haven't done anything mean or negative to her. It's like shes paranoid.

 

The 15 y/o has a grandmother thats very concerned. I'm hoping that she will. But she seems hesitant to make too many waves in fears that she'll irritate the mother enough to be shut out of her granddaughters life. Maybe when/if the electricity gets cut off soon as I believe it will someone will do something more.

 

We all seem to be enablers just kind of letting her get by with a lot of this. Even her/our pastor wont really reach out to her at this time. He believes she knows right from wrong and will work it out herself but needs to hit rock bottom, unfortunately. I see his point of view but with her family involved... I don't know.

 

Thanks for your opinion.

[Flying Burrito]

ExRadioDJ, my ex went through a similar situation growing up. If I had any contact with her at all, I'd put you in touch.

 

It seems like your ex is your primary focus instead of the two kids still living next door. I have to ask, WTF? There's obsessing about your ex and then there's humanity. You could at least do neighborly things to help, like mow the lawn right?

 

Yeah. Its different. They're someone else's kids. You were engaged, living together and so you're understandably upset that your ex took off, but you must have some relationship with those kids. You seem to know the electric bill is overdue...

 

 

 

[Flying Burrito]

I don't think that I should be the one to do this. It would definitely seem as if I was doing this for the wrong reasons if I did, in my opinion. In our last argument, my ex has already screamed at me, "so what are you going to call the police next and tell them I abandoned my kids?" In reality, I haven't done anything mean or negative to her. It's like shes paranoid.

 

The 15 y/o has a grandmother thats very concerned. I'm hoping that she will. But she seems hesitant to make too many waves in fears that she'll irritate the mother enough to be shut out of her granddaughters life. Maybe when/if the electricity gets cut off soon as I believe it will someone will do something more.

 

We all seem to be enablers just kind of letting her get by with a lot of this. Even her/our pastor wont really reach out to her at this time. He believes she knows right from wrong and will work it out herself but needs to hit rock bottom, unfortunately. I see his point of view but with her family involved... I don't know.

What are you? 10 years old saying "not it". Your ex cut out, two highschool age kids were left behind, alone, suffering in your very near vicinity and you are only willing to gossip?

 

F*ck enabling. Helping out two traumatized kids takes precedence. You're going to "tough love" your ex by letting her children suffer when you are able to help? What are you thinking?

 

Seriously. Dude, you've got your head equally up your ass.

[ExRadioDJ41]

F*ck enabling. Helping out two traumatized kids takes precedence. You're going to "tough love" your ex by letting her children suffer when you are able to help? What are you thinking?

 

I've helped and helped and helped. I was the glue here.

 

I know all about the electricity bill because I paid hers last month on the last day it was due when she didn't. And she makes about 3x as much as I do with her job. She's got a very nice supervisor job. At the end of our relationship, she was gambling all her money away at the casinos while I covered for us. She wouldn't even bring a check home. She would cash it right there and spend it. I have no idea if she is still doing this. I struggle with my income to make my own ends meet.

 

But at some point, when a girl dumps you, and acts mad at you, and no longer even talks to you even as a friend, and abandoned everything herself, I don't think my role should be to step up and take care of her house and kids to make everything alright around here.

 

If something comes up and I'm needed, I will definitely be there for them, but by doing more than that, I feel as if I'm enabling her to make these dumb decisions. Even paying the electricity last month goes against what our pastor believes has to happen - where something so divesting happens - a rock bottom - that causes her to rethink everything she is doing. I kind of believe this has to happen for her. Right now, I think she truly believes between myself, and the grandmother, and themselves, that they are "ok enough" and not in any real harm. If she really thought they were in any danger, I believe she would be there. But that still doesn't seem right.

 

It isn't me saying "not it". If I called CPS, I would feel personally like some of my motivation for doing so was being vindicitive towards my ex. And I know she would believe the same. I don't personally believe they are in immediate danger. They aren't receiving proper parenting. It's sad. And something could happen. But for the most part, they are continuing their day-to-day. I'm watching over the house. I've talked to the kids. They aren't good but they are making do.

 

I'm not swearing I'm right. I'm listening to your opinions. This is the first time I've been in such a situation and I'm trying to do the right thing.

[Flying Burrito]

But at some point, when a girl dumps you, and acts mad at you, and no longer even talks to you even as a friend, and abandoned everything herself, I don't think my role should be to step up and take care of her house and kids to make everything alright around here.

 

If something comes up and I'm needed, I will definitely be there for them, but by doing too much, I feel as if I'm enabling her to make these dumb decisions. Even paying the electricity last month goes against what our pastor believes has to happen - where something so divesting happens - a rock bottom - that causes her to rethink everything she is doing. I kind of believe this has to happen for her. Right now, I think she truly believes between myself, and the grandmother, and themselves, that they are "ok enough" and not in any real harm. If she really thought they were in any danger, I believe she would be there. But that still doesn't seem right.

You know, I couldn't quite believe it when Amy, that's my ex, told me about how she got left to take care of her younger sisters all alone. Amy said the community was willing to let them starve in quiet gentility is how she put it.

 

Now I see its true and I'm angry. Angry at the people who let my ex bear the weight of raising a family while just a little girl herself. Angry at you for making excuses about your hurt ego and the church.

 

Yes, it's your responsibility as much as EVERYONE else who just watches and gossips. You once were willing to have them be your family. Tough sh*t if the pastor thinks helping is wrong. You're not helping your ex, you are helping those kids. How do you all sit in church acting all pious knowing two kids are in hell? Some church.

 

Get the hell off the computer, go to the market, buy some frigging groceries for the kids, remember to buy toilet paper, tampons, pads, shampoo, and vitamins, make the kids a decent dinner and then mow the damn lawn.

[CaliGuy]

I don't really care if your ex thinks calling CPS is vindictive.

 

She's a bad mother, she's endangering her child and SOMEONE needs to man up and doing something about it.

 

If you care about the welfare of that child at all, you'll call them. And if you're afraid, give me the info and I will call them....

[RecordProducer]

I can only hope that I find someone else before she works things out because I can see that she has problems I can't fix. At one point, I thought I could but I don't think so as much anymore.

This has nothing to do with finding someone else. There are things we can't forgive and forget. She is acting like the worst scum. She went with another guy, abandoned her children, dumped you, and she keeps neglecting her kids. She is active in Church? What a hypocrite! I feel so sorry for her kids, especially the 15-year old girl. Where's the father of those kids?

 

Of course, we are more upset about the kids than about you at this point, because for you it's a love problem, for them it's an existential problem. But I think any sane advisor would tell you to forget about this slime bag of a woman. Even her kids don't believe she ever loved them; how can you believe that she loves YOU? If she loved you, she wouldn't go with the other guy. I don't think it's because it took too long to propose. I am very familiar with this approach: I don't want you because the wall is white - you paint the wall blue - then they don't want you because the carpet is beige. These are broken people who run from everyone who cares about them, because they know they aren't worth anyone's love.

 

You could at least do neighborly things to help, like mow the lawn right?

I don't see why the kids can't mow their own lawn. That doesn't solve the problem. The kids need a mother at home and they need food, electricity, health insurance and much more. He can help but not care for them. The kids will probably move in with their grandparents if the mother doesn't come to her senses.

[Lucky_One]

It isn't me saying "not it". If I called CPS, I would feel personally like some of my motivation for doing so was being vindicitive towards my ex. And I know she would believe the same. I don't personally believe they are in immediate danger. They aren't receiving proper parenting. It's sad. And something could happen. But for the most part, they are continuing their day-to-day. I'm watching over the house. I've talked to the kids. They aren't good but they are making do.

 

Those kids are unsupervised. They have a grandmother who is a pu$$y. No one is buying them groceries. The electricity is going to be cut off.

 

WHO CARES IF SHE THINKS YOU ARE BEING VINDICTIVE?

 

Would you even WANT to salvage this relationship, with a woman who is willing to behave like this? Why you are caring what SHE thinks is beyond me.

 

Your primary concern (as should be their grandparents) is those children. CHILDREN. You do realize that if you KNOW that a child is not being cared for properly and you do not report it, then you may be held liable?

 

18 states REQUIRE reporting of neglect or abuse by any person. Your pastor is required to report in 26 states. 48 states require reporting by a gazillion different professions.

 

You should be ashamed for thinking of what your stupid XGF might think about your doing your moral duty. Those children's well-being comes first.

 

And shame on your paster, too, and their grandmother.

 

[Flying Burrito]

I don't see why the kids can't mow their own lawn.

RP, I'm sure the kids could give a rat's ass about the lawn. It is something ExRadioDJ41 mentioned as a negative, I figured he meant in his opinion this is another thing proving his ex is lost.

 

Really? Grass growing is on that list? If it's such a problem, go mow the lawn. If nothing else, at least the kids can come home to a tidy yard. Every little bit helps right?

 

What ticked me off about ExRadioDJ41's tear is that geez, these kids live next door? He's complaining about the lawn among other things? Then in the same breath he said the ex is immature. Oviously the ex has serious problems, but come off it, teaching the ex a lesson by leaving her children in jeopardy is bullsh*t.

 

I think my ex was around 16 yrs old when her father lost his marbles and left her and her two sisters alone in a house. He never came back. I never thought too hard about how wretched that existence must have been until I read these posts.

 

How will the kids eat if there are no groceries? This is a pretty basic need.

 

My ex always said she never made a choice. She did what she had to. I get it now. What a sad truth. Adults get to choose how to live our lives. Your ex's kids are children. Legally, they don't even get the choice to make a choice.

[ExRadioDJ41]

How will the kids eat if there are no groceries? This is a pretty basic need.

 

To clarify, the mom is not providing groceries or anything, and she made no arrangements for them to be provided even up to now, but the 15 y/o's grandmother is stopping by daily with groceries. I've talked to her and I see her coming by daily. This wasn't the case at the very first as the situation took everyone by surprise but it is the case now.

 

This is what I mean that my ex is fairly confident others will make things okay. It's why she believes that she isn't neglecting them I guess. I don't believe she is worried about them because she is farily confident they will be fine. Maybe not emotionally, but she's not thinking of that. I'm not saying it's good parenting at all. It's horrible parenting. She wasn't raised well either (she's given me stories). But that's how shes justifying this. Shes talked to the kids a few times since leaving but they don't touch the subject of where she is or what she is doing. She's asked the oldest son via phone if he was mad at her, he told me. He didn't tell me what he told her as a reply but he probably said no. They are all trying to like avoid thinking about this situation.

 

They know about the new guy. We've all met him once briefly. He came around and threatened me to stay off her property. Younger guy, probably mid-20s, with an attitude.

 

As for the person that mentioned their fathers, the father of the first two lives a couple blocks away but he is an unemployed alcoholic that lives with his mom. They would rather stay in my exs house alone than the alternative of him. But the 18 y/o does visit him near daily lately (more visits now than when his mom was home). The 15 y/o has a father in a nearby city but he's rebuilding his life with another family and doesn't see his daughter much. But shes the one with the grandmother coming over everyday to checkup.

 

It sounds like a soap opera. But when she attends church on a regular basis, she is almost the opposite of where she is now. She tries to make things better. She tries to do right. But when she slips, she slips bigger than anyone I've ever known. It's like it's not even the same girl. I've only seen it twice (this is the 2nd time) in the 5+ years I've known her.

[ExRadioDJ41]

It takes a selfish mindset to do such a thing. Usually this is a trait of younger people.

 

Or perhaps her situation was really bad in some way?

 

I've known that shes depressed and tried to help.

 

She works almost everyday but never has money to show for it.

She had kids too young. I know she sometimes feels trapped.

She feels the grass is greener on the other side. I know shes wanted to move away from here for the longest.

She doesn't have a good relationship with her mom. When she was young, she was raped by her dad. Her mom didn't believe her, and sortof stopped providing care/love to her after she told her.

She does try hard to be in the church, and the messages there conflict with our relationship. Shes wanted to be married to me for the longest time so we wouldn't be "shacking" anymore. I knew it was important to her. I was just nervous about being married.

Her house needs some work. Things like a molded ceiling in one room falling apart. No money.

Her kids asking her for things that she has difficulty providing (new expensive shoes, etc)

The 18 y/o has had some legal trouble this year. He's been arrested for breaking into and stealing from a store. He spent a couple days in jail.

She faced foreclosure on her house until she got into a Ch 13 BK plan.

 

I know all of it combined can feel kind of overwhelming. I have my own sets of problems. Some financial. I think over the years we've each been there for each other through a lot of good and bad times. I think that drew me closer to her.

[Flying Burrito]

Dude, YOU, yes you, have your own set of issues. You wanted to play the hero. Well, looks like you only wanted that role up to a certain point.

 

If you gave a damn about something besides your own sh*t, you would do SOMETHING. You can call social services. You can call the police. You can take the kids in. You can DO SOMETHING other than spouting all this woe.

 

Right yeah. You can act like you're above it all. That's fine, I'm just done listening to your pussy, bullsh*t whining. Its seriously making me sick.

[RecordProducer]

Radio, what I think you CAN do is offer extensive emotional support if you haven't already. Comfort these sad children; they've gone through so much misery in their short lives.

 

Those kids are unsupervised.

The kids are supervised by their grandmother. They have parents who are losers and no one can make up for that. If the case is reported, the girl might end up in foster care, sexually abused and used for labor. She is a big girl, not a little kid, and her brother is an adult. The situation is horrible, but since they have to play with the dealt cards, they're better off with their grandmother taking care of them. They could also find part-time jobs, like many kids and somehow survive. Consider that their mother is dead. I don't think the center of social work can do much for them at this point. They could probably apply for food stamps and other social assistance though if the mother doesn't come back. This started only two weeks ago.

 

Your primary concern (as should be their grandparents) is those children. CHILDREN.

The children are not his and as much as he IS concerned and might/could/should help them, they are not really his responsibility. Only one of them is really a child, and she is an older minor with an adult brother. Let's not call an 18-year old boy a child that needs to be on his back. Reporting the case to the authorities is not his job. If her children need the interference of the authorities, they (e.g. the brother) could report their own case.

 

You do realize that if you KNOW that a child is not being cared for properly and you do not report it, then you may be held liable?

That's very unlikely in this case.

 

She'll defend herself as leaving an older minor with her adult brother and she'll say she went to spend some time with her BF. There is no law that says that a 15-year old can't be alone at home. He can't prove that she abandoned her kids without the kids confirming the allegations. He might even be seen by the social workers/cops as a scorned ex-BF trying to get back at her.

18 states REQUIRE reporting of neglect or abuse by any person.

Yes, if you beat your child or leave a two-year old alone at home hungry.

 

And shame on your paster, too, and their grandmother.

The pastor doesn't react yet, because he is gathering data about the case, obviously. This was only TWO WEEKS ago. If she continues with the same behavior, I am sure the pastor will interfere.

 

teaching the ex a lesson by leaving her children in jeopardy is bullsh*t.

I don't think he's teaching her a lesson. He is obviously concerned and confused.

[RecordProducer]

But when she attends church on a regular basis, she is almost the opposite of where she is now. She tries to make things better. She tries to do right. But when she slips, she slips bigger than anyone I've ever known. It's like it's not even the same girl. I've only seen it twice (this is the 2nd time) in the 5+ years I've known her.

I see. Well, it sounds like she's had her share of problems. But why did she hurt her children intentionally? She could've told them she needs some time for herself, arrange how they're going to be supported, even if that means she tells thme to get jobs. There is no excuse for her behavior. The kids think she doesn't love them. It's so heart-breaking. Even animals care for their young ones. I suppose it has to do with the cruelty seh received from both her parents.

 

What was the previous time when she slipped? What happened then?

[ExRadioDJ41]

There is no excuse for her behavior.

 

I appreciate you, Record. Opinions on this thread seem to be real strong. But basically, I just don't think calling CPS would be the best move either. I don't know for sure that I'm right. It seems to me like the real best solution is for my ex to snap out of this and go back home and be there for her kids, regardless of whether or not I'm in that picture. They do love her. She does love them. She makes extremely poor decisions at times, but has not always. The only positive thing calling CPS could do, in my opinion, is maybe give her that kick she needs to start doing right. Maybe that would be her rock-bottom the pastor spoke of. But that could also backfire so easily. I've never done anything at all like that to anyone before.

 

What was the previous time when she slipped? What happened then?

 

Well, a year and a half ago. It involved me again. I was also dumped then. I was told that I was taking too long to move forward in our relationship. Yes, this is a bit of deja-vu.

 

So she broke things off with me, stopped going to her church, started coming home a lot later from work (but never disappeared entirely like this time), started using pot and drinking with some people from her work (both activities shes strongly against when attending church; I'm not sure if drug use is involved this time too since shes not home), started gambling all of her weekly paycheck away every week, and after breaking up with me, again, immediately started seeing some young bum guy.

 

While I was hurt with her behavior then (as I am now), I felt partially to blame for making her so unhappy with us being this unmarried couple still having sex, etc., so I put it all out there and proposed. She broke it off with the guy, we had a few counseling visits with the pastor to prepare for a life together, and things turned to perfect real fast for a while.

 

I don't know why I love the girl now. There are a million things I don't like about her. The way she handles our relationship, the way she handles her stress, the way she doesn't communicate with me or her kids when she has troubles, the way she gives up on things that should be so important... many things. I don't see her with rose colored glasses at all. I see a lot of problems.

 

Even if I kind of know we wouldn't work out because of these issues she has, I still have feelings for her. I still miss her. She was a good friend before she was a romantic partner. And it's the first time I've ever gotten close to a family. First time I've ever proposed to anyone. So all of that is hard for me. She is able to turn it off apparently. I'm not. But I don't agree with anything shes doing now. I'm not meaning to sound like I'm defending her. I don't know anymore which attributes are her "true colors" - the positive or negative ones. And I don't know if a bond of marriage would keep her on a right track (she swears yes - I don't think so - but it's the only thing we haven't actually done). I don't know if therapy would help her, or if she could ever permanently charge, or if the good outweighs the bad, etc. I do know I see a pattern here, and when in this patten, she obviously doesn't seem to care about anyone else but herself.

 

So I posted here to vent and seek opinions from others who have had people completely walk away from everything important in their lives. I couldn't imagine doing such a thing, and I know my mom never would have done such a thing to me.

[RecordProducer]

While I was hurt with her behavior then (as I am now), I felt partially to blame for making her so unhappy with us being this unmarried couple still having sex, etc., so I put it all out there and proposed. She broke it off with the guy, we had a few counseling visits with the pastor to prepare for a life together, and things turned to perfect real fast for a while.

So why didn't you get married then? Things turned bad in no time?

 

Why do you think she wants to marry you? If you marry her, her daughter will be your responsibility next time she dopes something like this. If marriage would prevent her from going crazy, does that mean that she would consciously refrain herself from cheating, but she would want to? Or is she doing this just to get back at you? If she loves you so much, she shouldn't want to be with other men. It'd be OK if you dumped her, but you were together. She dumped you.

 

She told you that she sees herself married to you soetime in the future and she doesn't want to lose you.. If I were you, I'd tell her that now that she did that thing for the second time, she definitely lost you and you'll never marry her. Let her sweat. Stop being a door mat. If you take her back, she'll do this to you again. You need to cut this thing in the root and make her beg you to take her back - and beg you for a long time. Then, YOU decide whether you want to give her a third chance.

[seibert253]

So why didn't you get married then? Things turned bad in no time?

 

Why do you think she wants to marry you? If you marry her, her daughter will be your responsibility next time she dopes something like this. If marriage would prevent her from going crazy, does that mean that she would consciously refrain herself from cheating, but she would want to? Or is she doing this just to get back at you? If she loves you so much, she shouldn't want to be with other men. It'd be OK if you dumped her, but you were together. She dumped you.

 

She told you that she sees herself married to you soetime in the future and she doesn't want to lose you.. If I were you, I'd tell her that now that she did that thing for the second time, she definitely lost you and you'll never marry her. Let her sweat. Stop being a door mat. If you take her back, she'll do this to you again. You need to cut this thing in the root and make her beg you to take her back - and beg you for a long time. Then, YOU decide whether you want to give her a third chance.

 

No better advise then right here.

[ExRadioDJ41]

So why didn't you get married then?

 

Human nature for guys to try to resist marriage? lol

 

I don't know. To her and our families/friends, I blamed finances. That we should wait until things are better for a wedding. But really, I guess it was just the typical guy stuff. In reality, it's ironic because I agree with all of the principals of marriage. I have no problems being faithful in or out of marriage. One woman is way plenty for me. I don't have the same kinds of worries about breaking religious principals as she does so it maybe wasn't as important to me due to that. She's been raised going to church all her life. I had started going with her and the kids for family stability.

 

Ironically, I want to be married now more than at any stage of our relationship or my life (not just to her, but in general) but I guess thats how all that "don't know what you've got til it's gone" stuff works.

 

Why do you think she wants to marry you?

 

I do think shes loved/cared about me. I think it takes away the guilt she associates with the relationship. It would've made it "right" to her. I would cringe everytime at church when our pastor would start a speech about "shacking" or sex before marriage and it seemed to happen frequently. I can see where she was conflicted there.

 

If I were you, I'd tell her that now that she did that thing for the second time, she definitely lost you and you'll never marry her.

 

In our last real phone call (she was still calling me every day, or every other day even while she was gone with this other guy), before I started NC (I stopped answering her calls, and a couple days ago, I finally turned off her cellphone), she finally stated she was happy now doing what she was doing. Before she would use descriptions like "in a mess" and "confused". But she asked me if it was a temporary happiness if I could see myself in a relationship with her again. I told her no. She didn't protest or anything. Just said she understood. So I switched my approach from trying to work things out to acting as if I don't want to.

 

In reality, since I still love her thats not really true, but I also sortof don't want to work things out again. I don't want anybody else either tho. I have no idea how I'd even find someone else to be interested in right now in this state. But I wish I found someone else before she comes to her senses because of all the risks involved continuing this as you've stated. She just isn't good relationship material 5% of the time. But the 5% ruins the other 95%.

 

As for you suggesting I be support for the kids. The 18 y/o came over to my house yesterday for close to a half hour just to sortof talk. I was told that he always thought he would be like 40 years old and coming over to our house with his future kids and all of that. Being someone that isn't part of an original family, this experience now has really been an eyeopener to me because I've always gotten along with her kids as like close friends (my ex always told me she never wanted me to take a parent role - she said they all had dads) but I didn't even realize how much they'd accepted me (which growing up with a single mom myself; I realize they didn't have to do. I was much more immature about my mom dating). They can be very mature, and great.

[RecordProducer]

I would cringe everytime at church when our pastor would start a speech about "shacking" or sex before marriage and it seemed to happen frequently. I can see where she was conflicted there.

How does the statement above go hand in hand with the statement below?

she finally stated she was happy now doing what she was doing. Before she would use descriptions like "in a mess" and "confused".

 

So, suddenly, she doesn't care about sex without marriage? Moreover, she sees herself married to you in the future, so this guy is only fo "shacking" purposes, right?

 

A woman who had three kids from two guys (was she married to both of them at the time?), leaves her kids, and screws another guy is "conflicted" about premarital sex? The premarital sex refers to the period when we're virgins and have never been married before. I know that extremely religious people don't approve of any sex that's hapening outside a marriage, but I can't see how she is extremely religious with all the crap she's doing. Sje doesn't even go to church now.

[ExRadioDJ41]

How does the statement above go hand in hand with the statement below?

 

Yeah, I agree, she doesn't make sense. It's a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde thing. Someone in the other post I made in the "Breaking Up" section originally on here suggested that these guys sound like total "rebound guys". Just flings that even she knows aren't permanent meant to get over a relationship. And that she probably did originally break up with me because she thinks I'm a flake thats never going to really commit as some guys string women along and don't. That made a little sense to me.

 

But it's obvious that he isn't the kind of guy that she says she wants 95% of the time. And the pastor says shes staying away from church now because shes embarrassed or ashamed from what shes doing. And while she might say she is happy, whenever you know you are doing things that are wrong but you continue doing them anyway there is internal conflict and shes not really happy. I sortof believe this too.

 

I cried everyday over this at first. I'm still not comfortable but I'm getting better with being dumped by this girl and thinking I should really make an effort to move on. That we're not talking at all via phone, and that shes not coming home at all, seems to be helping that a little. No one knows what the future holds - I'm probably still open to anything if it feels right at the time - but I do see a lot of signs that shes just not ready for the kind of serious relationship that I am.

[CaliGuy]

but I do see a lot of signs that shes just not ready for the kind of serious relationship that I am.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but she wanted to get married and you kept putting it off?

 

Sounds like a contradiction to me.

[ExRadioDJ41]

Correct me if I am wrong, but she wanted to get married and you kept putting it off?

 

Sounds like a contradiction to me.

 

::sigh:: Okay, true.

 

All I probably needed was a serious conversation about the topic. I needed the kind of conversation she had while breaking up with me where she was crying and indicated that I hurt her by repeatedly pushing back a date. While I should have guessed this, I didn't really realize at the time.

 

I still feel like I was more committed to the relationship, whereas I guess she was more committed to the idea of marriage.

[Chrome Barracuda]

 

You sir are an idiot. I've been wanting to stay outta this thread but you need to stop pining and whining over some dumb broad who cant even keep her legs closed!!!

 

She left her family what for like the 4th time? WTf and your still crying over it hopeing she comes home? Mayn WTF are your wevos?

 

Man up call CPS and have those children taken away. She's an idiot who needs her tubes tyed and your an idiot in broken armor pining for a woman with more problems than a mathbook! WTF?