Stupid mistakes made - need advice ASAP!

[Honora]

Hmm, here's the deal. I am 19 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years. He and I are both mature and intelligent. He went to college a year before I did about 2,000 miles away. He didn't pay much attention to me and I felt neglected, but he came back for the summer and it was all ok. Then I started going to college, still 2,000 miles apart and found out that I was actually attractive, so I thought that, even though my current boyfriend was a great catch, I wanted to date other people and open up the relationship. I got my heart broken and crushed him in the process but we got back together around Thanksgiving. But now the big problem - I cheated on him during the spring semester and the person whom I cheated on him with and I actually have some feelings for each other (on my side, they are deep). I know, I know, I am the scum of the earth, but I'm trying to figure out if I cheated because I'm uncertain about my current relationship (I'm very uncertain) or that my uncertainty caused me to cheat. At any rate, I can't carry on this long distance thing - it doesn't fill my needs or his, and I want to explore relationships with other people. Even though my boyfriend is very attractive, the sex is very very blah and nothing he does really turns me on. But this guy is great and I really do love him - I'm so confused... what do I do?

[Honora]

I forgot to mention that both my boyfriend and I have a terrible fear of being alone - that no one will ever love us. I don't know if I'm staying with him because of the right reasons or the wrong (fear of being alone). PLEASE help me. I am at a loss.

[D.]

Dear Honora, I read your letter and your post script as well.

 

Long distance relationships are most difficult to maintain even under the best of circumstances. From your letter, it sounds like your relationship with your long distance boyfriend is less than satisfying even when you are together.

 

As far as "cheating on him" during spring semester, it would not have been cheating had you both had the understanding that you will be seeing people other than each other. Perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss this option with your boyfriend. He probably will be most upset, but at your age, you really need to afford yourself the opportunity to explore more options in the relationship catagory.

 

I speak as one who knows. I am female, dated a few guys here and there and then became engaged and married at the tender age of 19. Oh, I was ready to settle down with the love of my life, but it turns out that he had not finished sowing his wild oats so to speak. He is a fine man and I do not fault him for that, however, I do wish he had gotten it all out of his system before saying "I Do". Needless to say, we divorced ... it was friendly, but a divorce none the less.

 

It is normal to be uncertain regarding a long distance relationship as you really are both on your best behavior when you are together for those short periods of time, at least that is usually the case. So you both never get to really know each other completely, or at least to the extent one should know someone who they profess to love.

 

As far as the fear of being alone, that is a normal feeling. It is unfounded and can be cured by group dating or even asking out someone you are interested in ... just to study or for coffee. The worse thing that will happen is that the guy says no, and that really is his loss and no sign of rejection of you as a person. I used to go out dancing with the girls and would ask whatever guy I wished to dance with me. Most of the time the answer was YES. There was rarely a no and I never let that bother me as there were so many more guys to ask.

 

I would advise you to not to go steady with anyone at this time, try to get over your fear of being alone (seek counsel if you must, but there are a lot of good books on the subject) and date whomever you wish at this time. That way you will not feel you are cheating because you won't be. At the same time, you will be sampling many different kinds of men and find out how they treat you. I would lay off the long distance relationships unless you are able to hook up on a regular basis.

 

This time in your life should be a blast for you. Just remember there are a lot of STD (encluding AIDS) out there so be very selective of whom you have THAT kind of relations. Go out, have fun, meet people and find Mr. Right.

 

Best of Luck!

[Tony T]

You don't sound confused at all to me. You are just feeling a little guilty and you are anxious about breaking up with your boyfriend.

 

You answered your own question. You obviously like this new guy better. You simply have to get the courage to talk to your boyfriend, end the relationship, and move on.

 

You have GOT to learn that every relationship doesn't work out and that's OK. That's the purpose of dating, to find one that is happy, fulfilling and DOES work out. You also have to know that when you first meet someone you are attracted to and for an undetermined period following, the euploria can be overpowering. Some even call it temporary insanity. Many people dump their friends to be with that person 24/7. That doesn't last forever and one day you come down to reality. So while you are really into this new guy, if there aren't a lot of components of a great relationship (a lot more than good sex), you will want to break up with him eventually as well. But do enjoy it for the time and give every effort to making it work.

 

You are very young and NOT ready to settle down. You will want to have many experiences with a number of guys, most likely, before you are ready to settle down.

 

In your last sentence you said sex with your boyfiend was blah and nothing he does turns you on. So why in the world would you consider yourself confused??? It is clearly time to set him free to find someone he does turn on. That is doing him a BIG, GIANT favor. Doesn't that make you feel GOOD?

 

So stop confusing yourself and see this for exactly what it is. You just want to move on...and don't feel guilty about that. You may be nervous about making the right decision but you have to always go with your feelings. They are speaking loud to you.

 

Enjoy this life, enjoy the relationships you have, be honest with all the guys you date, have fun and chill. If you do those things, you'll seldom feel bad. Remember, you have absolutely no power whatsoever to upset or depress your boyfriend by breaking up with him. He controls his emotions and, just like you made a conscious decision to like this new guy, he is the one that makes the decision to upset himself.

 

Don't worry, be happy!!!

[Princess]

Don't be afraid of being alone. You just said that you found out you were attractive this year. You've been going out with other people and you're still young. Don't be afraid of that sort of thing. As for your boyfriend, I think that maybe you should end it. You probably have the idea that you want to already. Like I said, you're young, you're in college, don't let anything tie you down from what you want to be doing. With your current relationship, if you do have that great of a feeling that you say you do, tell him. Don't lead people on. If it starts to get serious, discuss it. If you don't want to be in a serious relationship, make sure he knows it. Well, good luck.

[Honora]

Thank you so much for your responses... I know that this is what I have to do, but how does one end a five year relationship that was for the most part wonderful? How do you hurt someone you love very dearly - even though you know you cannot be with them due to circumstances?

[D.]

"Thank you so much for your responses... I know that this is what I have to do, but how does one end a five year relationship that was for the most part wonderful? How do you hurt someone you love very dearly - even though you know you cannot be with them due to circumstances?"

 

How do you do it? You do it as tactfully, honestly (give him reasons, but you don't have to tell him that he is "blah" in bed ... that may be TOO honest), with as much kindness as you can, but BE ASSERTIVE as well. You know he is going to try to talk you out of it (probably). Stand your ground and don't waver back and forth.

 

He may be hurt as that is normal for one who has been broken up with by his girlfiend. But, he will get over it. You must be firm as well as kind. ALSO, make sure to choose the right time to tell him. Over the phone or PC is NOT good. It should be face to face and in a public area like a park or open sitting area with privacy. That way no phones will bother you and no chance of interruption by the someone at the door, etc.

 

You know this is something you want to do for yourself and it is only fair to him, too. He has the right to know so that he can experience the pain, give it time to pass and move on for himself.

 

Best of luck and keep in touch!

[Honora]

Wow... thank you guys so much! This is a great place, and I will return to pass the wisdom around (when I get more, that is)... I am taking your advice to heart and the next relationship I am in (scary thought!) I will try to do it right and not be unfair to the guy I am with, as I have been to my poor boyfriend this time. He doesn't deserve to get his heart broken, but he doesn't deserve my shabby treatment either.

[Lorelei]

You are 19. Be 19. Its the time in your life that you should be meeting lots of guys and experiencing lots of new things without feeling guilty about it. Dont have a boyfriend at all. Focus on school and having fun.

I forgot to mention that both my boyfriend and I have a terrible fear of being alone - that no one will ever love us. I don't know if I'm staying with him because of the right reasons or the wrong (fear of being alone). PLEASE help me. I am at a loss.