Wife not being honest

[garyk]

I think my wife is having an affair.

 

First a little background. We have been married 19 years with 3 teenagers. We met when she was married to her ex and I was living with a girl. Great start, huh? Over the years we have had our ups and downs and at one point 4 years ago, I moved out for 3 months. During that time, I had a brief affair that I ended before moving back home. She has never forgiven me for that and I can understand why.

During the past few months, really since last summer when I began to notice, there have been many times when things just didn't add up right. Nothing obvious, but enough to make me go hmmm. Things came to a head about 3 weeks ago when I discovered she had a cell phone that I knew nothing about. A heated exchange followed and I spent the next 4 nights in a hotel.

Things were beginning to get a little better until last Tuesday. While getting ready to take the kids to school, her phone rang. while talking on it, she made it appear that she was talking to a girlfriend but both our daughter and I clearly heard a mans voice. A huge argument broke out and since then she has not said two words to me.

 

A got her phone records and there was all the evidence. Calls to and from a strange number on her days off and while i was at work. I traced the number and discovered that it was for a delivery guy at her work.

In looking back, I realized that I found this number an accident last summer and this is when the pieces started coming together.

 

I just hung the phone up with the other mans wife. Wow was she ever po'd at him! I ask to meet for coffee and was refused. Also didn't want me to send her any e-mail with the evidence. Both things I guess I could understand. The only harder phone call that I can imagine when I called her was if I was on the receiving end.

 

I told her all that I had. She promised to call me before confronting her husband. NOT. She called be back in an hour saying that she had talked to him and he said all he was doing was "helping a friend with a bad marriage" BS! Other mans wife asked if he was talking to someone without mentioning my wife's name and he knew right away who she meant. MORE BS!

 

He then called me and tried to give me a song and dance. I told him that in no uncertain terms that he was to break off all contact immediatly and to get the F*** out of our lives. He agreed. We'll see about that.

 

Wife came home from work and boy it was on. Her screaming at me that I was imaging things etc etc and all the while, in a calm voice I kept telling her that I love her and will be here to talk when she calms down.

 

We had a "civil" conversation just a few minutes ago. She agreed to end it now, no more contact of any kind. She told me that all they ever did was talk on the phone and had coffee a couple of times. Right. She also agreed to MC but I want to wait awhile on that. Need to let the dust settle a bit.

 

Right now, do I trust her? Oh Hell no. But as she said, I had a fling 4 years ago and this was her payback. Whether it was a EA or PA, this still sucked and I have come to better appreciate what I put her through back then.

 

Which brings us to today. We had a big argument over nothing today, and she has reveled that she has no feelings whatsoever for me. There doesn't seem to be much point in trying to save a marriage when then other person doesn't want to.

Seems rather pointless now.

I have wanted to try to save this, but today's revelation has really taken the wind out of my sails.

 

This has really gotten me down and depressed. As I look back, at all the times I've tried to repair what I had admittedly broken 4 years ago, what a waste.

 

it seems the only thing she wants is my paycheck to pay the bills until our youngest is out of school in 3 years. Meanwhile, I think it is time for me to move on.

 

I'm 45 and, while no, I'm NOT thinking suicide, my life at this moment has no direction at all. Would love to hear any advice from the board.

 

garyk

[whichwayisup]

Boy, you two have a mess to fix. Hopefully by exposing the A, that will completely end.

 

You both need to do individual counselling and marriage counselling, but make sure it's the same counsellor for both.

 

Bottomline is this, you and your wife really need to decide if this marriage is worth saving. It WILL NOT work if one of you isn't into it and is only staying for the kid(s). That just does more damage, and I'm sure the kid(s) know something is 'off' at home, no matter how much you try and hide it from them, they aren't stupid and can overhear conversations, let alone pick up on the negative vibe around the house.

 

Take care gary..No decision has to be made right away, but please, start by doing counselling.

[Liquid]

We met when she was married to her ex and I was living with a girl.

 

What did you expect? That two cheaters will be faithful to each other for their life time? Seriously!

 

Eventually one will cheat, and most likely, both will cheat. If he/she will cheat with you, he/she will cheat on you....someday! That day has come.

[garyk]

Thank you. I really appreciate the condensending judgement right now

[mark982]

the other mans tring to make you seem a nut job. i'd send her all the phone records.she don't love you no more, and don't wanna try mc.well honey, i guess you gotta go.if you think she's just using you for a paycheck, you can change that real quick,open new accts,stop all credit cards(check for hidden ones. are you paying for that cell phone? that gotta go also.i sure wouldn't be financing her fun.

[Liquid]

Thank you. I really appreciate the condensending judgement right now

 

Now, you know how her ex-husband felt. You got to taste some of your own medicine. Have you ever apologized to him for sleeping with his wife and breaking up their marriage?

[stampdaddy]

Now, you know how her ex-husband felt. You got to taste some of your own medicine. Have you ever apologized to him for sleeping with his wife and breaking up their marriage?

 

what the f**k is wrong with you???? nevermind, we get it... keep posting your trash and see how much you are actually heard...

[Chrome Barracuda]

what the f**k is wrong with you???? nevermind, we get it... keep posting your trash and see how much you are actually heard...

 

What he saias quite honest. admit it. People only hear what they want to hear, they dont want to hear the truth.

[garyk]

Now, you know how her ex-husband felt. You got to taste some of your own medicine. Have you ever apologized to him for sleeping with his wife and breaking up their marriage?

 

 

Sorry no, I never had that chance. They were separated for over a year and he was living with his girlfriend at the time I met my wife.

[Woggle]

All you people in affairs with MW/MM should take heed. This is what eventually happens when you get involved with them.

[hopesndreams]

First a little background. We have been married 19 years with 3 teenagers. We met when she was married to her ex and I was living with a girl. Great start, huh?

 

That about sums it up. It took 19 years and 3 kids but what goes around comes around.

 

I am sorry for your pain, hurts huh? Fours years ago you broke up for 3 months and had an affair that she didn't forgive you for. She wasn't lying on that score.

 

Meanwhile, I think it is time for me to move on.

 

Sounds like a plan, stan.

[garyk]

But I'm not ready to move on yet. I still think there is hope for us. Perhaps it's false hope at best, but it's what I'm clinging to at the moment.

[SummerLady]

I think my wife is having an affair.

 

First a little background. We have been married 19 years with 3 teenagers. We met when she was married to her ex and I was living with a girl. Great start, huh? Over the years we have had our ups and downs and at one point 4 years ago, I moved out for 3 months. During that time, I had a brief affair that I ended before moving back home. She has never forgiven me for that and I can understand why.

During the past few months, really since last summer when I began to notice, there have been many times when things just didn't add up right. Nothing obvious, but enough to make me go hmmm. Things came to a head about 3 weeks ago when I discovered she had a cell phone that I knew nothing about. A heated exchange followed and I spent the next 4 nights in a hotel.

Things were beginning to get a little better until last Tuesday. While getting ready to take the kids to school, her phone rang. while talking on it, she made it appear that she was talking to a girlfriend but both our daughter and I clearly heard a mans voice. A huge argument broke out and since then she has not said two words to me.

 

A got her phone records and there was all the evidence. Calls to and from a strange number on her days off and while i was at work. I traced the number and discovered that it was for a delivery guy at her work.

In looking back, I realized that I found this number an accident last summer and this is when the pieces started coming together.

 

I just hung the phone up with the other mans wife. Wow was she ever po'd at him! I ask to meet for coffee and was refused. Also didn't want me to send her any e-mail with the evidence. Both things I guess I could understand. The only harder phone call that I can imagine when I called her was if I was on the receiving end.

 

I told her all that I had. She promised to call me before confronting her husband. NOT. She called be back in an hour saying that she had talked to him and he said all he was doing was "helping a friend with a bad marriage" BS! Other mans wife asked if he was talking to someone without mentioning my wife's name and he knew right away who she meant. MORE BS!

 

He then called me and tried to give me a song and dance. I told him that in no uncertain terms that he was to break off all contact immediatly and to get the F*** out of our lives. He agreed. We'll see about that.

 

Wife came home from work and boy it was on. Her screaming at me that I was imaging things etc etc and all the while, in a calm voice I kept telling her that I love her and will be here to talk when she calms down.

 

We had a "civil" conversation just a few minutes ago. She agreed to end it now, no more contact of any kind. She told me that all they ever did was talk on the phone and had coffee a couple of times. Right. She also agreed to MC but I want to wait awhile on that. Need to let the dust settle a bit.

 

Right now, do I trust her? Oh Hell no. But as she said, I had a fling 4 years ago and this was her payback. Whether it was a EA or PA, this still sucked and I have come to better appreciate what I put her through back then.

 

Which brings us to today. We had a big argument over nothing today, and she has reveled that she has no feelings whatsoever for me. There doesn't seem to be much point in trying to save a marriage when then other person doesn't want to.

Seems rather pointless now.

I have wanted to try to save this, but today's revelation has really taken the wind out of my sails.

 

This has really gotten me down and depressed. As I look back, at all the times I've tried to repair what I had admittedly broken 4 years ago, what a waste.

 

it seems the only thing she wants is my paycheck to pay the bills until our youngest is out of school in 3 years. Meanwhile, I think it is time for me to move on.

 

I'm 45 and, while no, I'm NOT thinking suicide, my life at this moment has no direction at all. Would love to hear any advice from the board.

 

garyk

 

Well the fact that you pulled her phone records tells me that you do not trust her or respect her. I am not ok with that and I do not want to be with anyone that does that to me. If you cannot trust what she tells you then its over. You had NO right to do that. Again if you can't trust what she says get out now and in the future curb that behavior entirely.

[SummerLady]

what the f**k is wrong with you???? nevermind, we get it... keep posting your trash and see how much you are actually heard...

 

As much as that seems harsh, there is some truth in it. You have to look at the bigger picture sometimes to see how you got to where you are and this factor does play a little into it. Our pasts do have some validity to where we are here and now. We could put it in a nicer context but I get the point.

[reddog63]

Well the fact that you pulled her phone records tells me that you do not trust her or respect her. I am not ok with that and I do not want to be with anyone that does that to me. If you cannot trust what she tells you then its over. You had NO right to do that. Again if you can't trust what she says get out now and in the future curb that behavior entirely.

 

So, if I can rephrase what you are saying. If a spouse suspects that something fishy is going on, he should not check the phone records??? And that he did which confirmed his gut feeling, instead of jumping on the wife, you blast him that he had no right to do so, AND it showed that he had no respect for her?????

 

Hmmmm.........that sure is interesting thinking...........

 

So.......if your hubby shows signs that make you suspicious, you bury your head in the sand because doing otherwise would show a lack of respect???

[SummerLady]

So, if I can rephrase what you are saying. If a spouse suspects that something fishy is going on, he should not check the phone records??? And that he did which confirmed his gut feeling, instead of jumping on the wife, you blast him that he had no right to do so, AND it showed that he had no respect for her?????

 

Hmmmm.........that sure is interesting thinking...........

 

So.......if your hubby shows signs that make you suspicious, you bury your head in the sand because doing otherwise would show a lack of respect???

 

First my husband did cheat on me and I did not pull his phone records or emails, did not have to, I asked him if he was cheating and eventually he fessed up. Took him about 2 months to admit it, maybe I was lucky. No I would not bury my head in the sand at all. I think its quite harsh to pull someone's phone records and emails. If you pull them and find nothing then what, does that def mean that nothing is going on, of course not. I just think its a rocky road to go down and its not my style. I never said play dead. Just me.

[TrustInYourself]

I am confused by your tactics here? Why even bother trying to stop her from seeing her friend?

 

You have no trust, no love, and no respect. Should that not be your focus in any attempt to rebuild your marriage.

 

Sure, she could have been up to something. What do you accomplish by playing hardball? You are only compromising your own position of security.

 

You are her husband.

 

The more someone strays, the more you should just let them go. Being possessive accomplishes nothing. You want her back? Let her go. You should know this, especially since you were on the other end 4 years ago.

[Billy Bob]

it seems the only thing she wants is my paycheck to pay the bills until our youngest is out of school in 3 years. Meanwhile, I think it is time for me to move on.

 

That is exactly all she wants from you. Seriously, if I were you I'd move on.. Check alimony rules for your state.. I was divorced after 13 years.. luckily that was before the 15 year threshold where I would have to pay some sort of long-term maintenace.. Just a thought.. your state could be 20?

 

Sounds like both of you have gotten to the point where your marriage is just a sham.. Let her move on to her new friend, it serves you no purpose to try and control her actions or feelings. You can't make someone love you or respect you. Start planning a new future without her.

[garyk]

Well the fact that you pulled her phone records tells me that you do not trust her or respect her. I am not ok with that and I do not want to be with anyone that does that to me. If you cannot trust what she tells you then its over. You had NO right to do that. Again if you can't trust what she says get out now and in the future curb that behavior entirely.

 

 

Excuse me, but we seem to have a different perspective on this. I was not invading her privacy but rather revealing her secrecy. What other good purpose is served by hiding a cell phone from a spouse and making calls to another man when the spouse is not around? It seems you want me to be the bad guy in not trusting her, but I choose to look at it that there is a reason for that lack of trust.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Excuse me, but we seem to have a different perspective on this. I was not invading her privacy but rather revealing her secrecy. What other good purpose is served by hiding a cell phone from a spouse and making calls to another man when the spouse is not around? It seems you want me to be the bad guy in not trusting her, but I choose to look at it that there is a reason for that lack of trust.

 

Yeah,yeah, but all that aside what are you gonna do now?

 

Are you gonna stay or end it? She's a serial cheater anc can't be trusted, she cheated on one ex husband with you and now she's cheating on you with someone else. I mean I know you set yourself up for this misery when you openly pursued a cheater. but now that you got a chance for a fresh start, why dont you take it.

[garyk]

I guess at this point just hold on for a bit. I started the paperwork for a 401k loan and should have the cash in about a week. Once I get that, I can leave and take our youngest with me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I guess at this point just hold on for a bit. I started the paperwork for a 401k loan and should have the cash in about a week. Once I get that, I can leave and take our youngest with me.

 

Sounds like a plan, have you went to a lawyer to know about your rights. clearly if she makes a ruckus about things. I know where I'm from alot of women be filing false charges on men and it doesnt stick, it's not true, but it does hurt the guys credibility if you level enough allegations against him.

 

I dont understand why you started dealing with this woman from jump in the first place? You didnt know or have that feeling in back of your head that she would do it to you? I mean that's why I could never be with a married woman even if she was "seperated" there are too many issues.

[Lizzie60]

Humm.. this doesn't look good.

 

When you had your A... it was after 15 years of marriage.. the passion was already gone.. so your A.. only made her more 'indifferent' of you .. IMO.. sure it must have hurt for a while.. but nevertheless... she got over it.. and eventually got into an A herself..

 

I think she fell out of love with you a long time ago.. making her much vulnerable to fall for someone else.

 

My advice: get ready to divorce and move on with your life..

 

Take care of your kids.. I just hope you're both mature enough to take good care of them.. they should always be the priority in both your lives.

 

Anyway... good luck with everything..

[SummerLady]

Excuse me, but we seem to have a different perspective on this. I was not invading her privacy but rather revealing her secrecy. What other good purpose is served by hiding a cell phone from a spouse and making calls to another man when the spouse is not around? It seems you want me to be the bad guy in not trusting her, but I choose to look at it that there is a reason for that lack of trust.

 

I am just saying when it comes down to pulling someone's phone records its over for me at least. Its just not right. That is not the type of relationship I want.

[SummerLady]

Sounds like a plan, have you went to a lawyer to know about your rights. clearly if she makes a ruckus about things. I know where I'm from alot of women be filing false charges on men and it doesnt stick, it's not true, but it does hurt the guys credibility if you level enough allegations against him.

 

I dont understand why you started dealing with this woman from jump in the first place? You didnt know or have that feeling in back of your head that she would do it to you? I mean that's why I could never be with a married woman even if she was "seperated" there are too many issues.

 

Question for you Chrome, since you feel uncomfy with a woman who is seperated, how long after the divorce is final would you wait. You have a good point.