Will my guy consider my financial status before proposing marriage?

[Layla]

hi

 

to those out there, who have already read some of my posts: I hope I am not boring you with sort of similar questions.

 

First of all, I love this forum, as I can just ask blunt questions without embarassing myself in front of friends or parents (I know, they're there to help, but still, I enjoy being anonymous for a change :-)

 

Maybe some of you remember me: Been with boyfriend for 16 months, good relationship with lots of ups and some downs as well. But generally, he seems to love me and truly forgive me for often being too touchy, etc. Anyway, he's the one for me (I feel it deep down in my heart). I am 28 years old and truly feel that I can say that he is the one as I have never felt like this before. (He says the same thing)

 

My problem is, that I am an absolute academic and spent year after year at uni ending up with a really good degree in Economics (finishing just recently), and still doing some research for uni every now and then (which doesn't really pay), but I just love staying connected to "Academia". I do have another job, which pays quite well now.

 

THIS MEANS, I have practically NO SAVINGS. (Ok, at least there is no loan to pay back) but he is 31 and has already bought a 1 Mio. USD house, has got an expensive car etc.

 

I have NOTHING, which doesn't worry me, as I LOVED my studies and think it was worth it but it probably bothers him. Also, my parents aren't particularly wealthy.

 

Your honest opinion: do you think this could be a reason for him not to marry me or at least to postpone proposing until I have more savings?

 

It would bug me if that was the case, because I don't think money should change the way you feel about a person. Unless that person gambles etc. but that's a different story

 

I would happily sign a prenuptial agreement if he wanted one to save his finances. Because I know 100% that I would take him, even if he had nothing.

 

What do you think? Would you guys marry me ;-) I mean would this matter to you?

 

I know that I have potential and will make good money in the long term (also do all right at the moment) but just spent much much longer studying than others.

 

I know that I will always work, never wanting to stay at home, taking kids to swimming classes: I have always been a hard worker!

[Tony T]

If a guy wouldn't marry you because of your financial status, as long as you are financially responsible and not heavily in debt, he's pretty shallow and doesn't deserve you. That you are having these feelings may be a danger sign. If you really feel this guy would look at you with financial statements in mind, there's a problem. I have never, ever ever ever ever considered a woman's financial status when considering her for dating material, etc. It's simply immaterial.

 

And, yes, if he won't marry you...of course I will...as long as you set up a good savings plan from here on out now that you're all finished with school and have a good job. And I'll even let you quite work in a few years if you'd like.

 

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and see where his head is on this matter. If your finances bother him, get rid of him. He's way too shallow to be in your life. It's not like you're a shopaholic out blowing money everyday.

[Iamhappy]

I have NOTHING, which doesn't worry me

 

I think this is a contradictory statement. Why would you bring this up if you weren't concerned about the inequity of the situation?

 

do you think this could be a reason for him not to marry me or at least to postpone proposing until I have more savings?

 

Maybe you're looking for a reason why you shouldn't marry him.

 

It would bug me if that was the case, because I don't think money should change the way you feel about a person.

 

But it's ok for you to feel that way about yourself?

 

I know 100% that I would take him, even if he had nothing.

 

I'd say you have two problems here:

 

1. You have low self-esteem and are equating your self-worth with your ability to make a living.

 

2. Maybe you're the one who's not ready to marry this guy. Wasn't there some thread of yours that brought into question the possibility of you still having issues regarding your last relationship?

[HokeyReligions]

Money is one of the key pieces in divorce. It shouldn't matter how much, or how little a person has going into a marriage, but it often fosters resentment and bitterness and must be considered and discussed before making a commitment.

 

The idea that you may feel that you need to prove your financial worth to him sounds to me like t here may be some other problems with the relationship that need to be worked out.

 

Discussing finances is something you two should do together. Money can filter objectivity sometimes and the best combatant for that is open communication, AND knowing where money is in your priorities. Just because he has money now doesnt' mean he always will have it. My husband used to make a good living and his income was higher than mine. Less than a year after we got married he lost his job when he became ill, then jumped around from job to job for a while, and finally became totally disabled. We lost everything we had saved and now rely on my income to survive and are surviving hand-to-mouth. At one point a few months ago we had zero in any kind of savings. We only have a couple thousand now because I got laid off and the only job I could find pays considerably less than what I was earning.

 

Anything can happen in a marriage, and while finances are important, knowing where they are in your individual and couple priorities, and how to communicate and address any concerns either of you have over the finances is more important than who has what.

[Layla]

Tony: thanks, I do believe my boyfriend isn't that shallow but don't want to ask him bluntly as I don't want to look as if I had no self esteem and felt like I didn't deserve him. I believe I do. I was more interested in how other guys out there feel about those filthy rich chicks or those "poorer ones".

 

Your answer sounded genuine - i liked it and wish that more people out there were less materialistic.

 

Iamnotnothing: Yes, my last relationship wasn't a particularly nice one and I may still be on a bit of a rebound. I don't believe that it blinds you so much as not to see who you love and want to be with. (I may be wrong)

 

I probably do have "low self-esteem" in money matters because, simply, I have less than him. Me and my boyfriend are from different countries. Where I am from, the highest you can achieve is doing a doctorate, starting making money at 30 is absolutely normal, even envied by people who have to start working in their early twenties.

 

He, on the other hand, got his bachelor's very very very young (in my opinion) and has been working for a whole ten years. That's normal where he comes from and our problem is probably more of a cultural issue as in his culture (and among his friends) I would probably be considered a loser, whereas in my culture I have achieved the highest goal possible and am now starting a "hopefully" successful carreer. But where he comes from, people think it's a waste of time.

 

Was that a bit complicated? Sorry!

[Iamhappy]

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

 

Money is one of the key pieces in divorce. It shouldn't matter how much, or how little a person has going into a marriage, but it often fosters resentment and bitterness and must be considered and discussed before making a commitment.

 

Discussing finances is something you two should do together. Money can filter objectivity sometimes and the best combatant for that is open communication, AND knowing where money is in your priorities.

 

Anything can happen in a marriage, and while finances are important, knowing where they are in your individual and couple priorities, and how to communicate and address any concerns either of you have over the finances is more important than who has what.

 

This is sound advice. You shouldn't be fearful of discussing this with your boyfriend especially if this relationship is headed for marriage.

 

Originally posted by HokeyReligions

 

The idea that you may feel that you need to prove your financial worth to him sounds to me like there may be some other problems with the relationship that need to be worked out.

 

I think it's wonderful that you are trying to understand the issues you have with this relationship, but maybe it's time to start talking about these things with your boyfriend. You will gain a much better perspective if you talk to him instead of trying to read his mind.

[LadyX]

I think him not proposing has nothing to do with your lack of money, As I said before, you really haven't been together THAT long, and marriage isn't something to be rushed. Stop obsessing.