My Wife won't quit her job!

[LuckyClover]

My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her?

[LucreziaBorgia]

No, you cannot trust her. She is still holding on to OM, if not still with him. People who want to continue affairs will dig as deep as they have to in order to hide (protect) it.

[Liquid]

My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her?

 

There must be no contact beween the wayward spouse and the affair partner for the marriage to have a chance for recovery. No contact WHATSOEVER for life.

 

With them working together, your marriage have no chance. She is choosing her job (and a chance to continue or reignite the affair) over you and your marriage and you're allowing it.

[PWSX3]

As long as she has any type of contact with the other person she can't work on your situation!!!!!!

 

She has to give 100% & no less.....

[Chrome Barracuda]

My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her?

 

Well until she leaves there's no marriage, and you should gear up to a divorce. You gotta show her your serious about it!

 

I would have filed as soon as she told she, she wasnt leaving. That's very disrespectful, adding insult to injury.

[Enema]

The ol' GFC can play a big part here.

 

Maybe she's in the type of position where if she quits, she will not find another job until we're out of this mess, which could be 5+ years.

 

If I had to choose between an already damaged relationship with my wife and being unemployed for 5 years during my prime... well... hard choice.

[Trialbyfire]

My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her?

This is an easy question to answer but I'm going to ask you a question back. Have you been able to trust her so far?

[lkjh]

For your marriage to survive she needs to be 100% into it and it doesnt seem like she is.

[Cherished]

She probably needs the income. You two end up getting divorced and she has quit her job....she has no way of supporting herself.

It's all about money.

She needs the income.

In this economy, who knows, you could lose your job, hang on to your job!

[Chrome Barracuda]

She probably needs the income. You two end up getting divorced and she has quit her job....she has no way of supporting herself.

It's all about money.

She needs the income.

In this economy, who knows, you could lose your job, hang on to your job!

 

simple choice either loose your job where your still around the OM or loose your husband because he cant trust you and your denial of it is forcing him to file.

 

Take note you can always transfer or find another job if you got the right qualifications.

 

Bottom line she dont want to loose her job because the OM is there. if her marriage was more important she'd be taking steps to find something else. but she's not now is she?

[LuckyClover]

This is the worst thing I have ever been through. I have 2 children. My daughter, she's 5. My son, he's almost 2. I hate this. I understand the economy, she say's WE can't afford for her to quit her job(which is only part true). I reply WE can't afford not for her to quit her job. Have I been able to trust her this far? 2 days after last post and the answer is NO! Have I told her I don't trust her and that she needs to make drastic changes in order to show me reason to trust, YES! Problem is that I'm stuck. On the one hand she doesn't quit her job, I file for divorce, split debt, share custody, and feel cheated. On the other hand, she stays working, I take my chances, try to trust her(with a little snooping), I get to live in the same house as my 2 beautiful children 7 days a week, feel cheated on and really live a selfless life to be with my kids. My only hope is if I choose the 2nd, is that she might see what a great guy I am and regret the decision to cheat in the first place. I know, long shot....but...I don't want my kids to suffer....just so you guys know, we don't fight, some argueing, but for the most part she just won't allow an intimite connection to spark between us. I'm sure it's because she can't stop thinking of him. and the worst part of all this is that I feel like I'm the one who cheated, inside I feel ashamed of myself. I am starting to get my old, fun, energetic self back though. This has truely been the worst time of my life.....I don't wish this on my worst enemy.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This is the worst thing I have ever been through. I have 2 children. My daughter, she's 5. My son, he's almost 2. I hate this. I understand the economy, she say's WE can't afford for her to quit her job(which is only part true). I reply WE can't afford not for her to quit her job. Have I been able to trust her this far? 2 days after last post and the answer is NO! Have I told her I don't trust her and that she needs to make drastic changes in order to show me reason to trust, YES! Problem is that I'm stuck. On the one hand she doesn't quit her job, I file for divorce, split debt, share custody, and feel cheated. On the other hand, she stays working, I take my chances, try to trust her(with a little snooping), I get to live in the same house as my 2 beautiful children 7 days a week, feel cheated on and really live a selfless life to be with my kids. My only hope is if I choose the 2nd, is that she might see what a great guy I am and regret the decision to cheat in the first place. I know, long shot....but...I don't want my kids to suffer....just so you guys know, we don't fight, some argueing, but for the most part she just won't allow an intimite connection to spark between us. I'm sure it's because she can't stop thinking of him. and the worst part of all this is that I feel like I'm the one who cheated, inside I feel ashamed of myself. I am starting to get my old, fun, energetic self back though. This has truely been the worst time of my life.....I don't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

Well what are you gonna do, suffer in silence until your kid graduates high school? You can start over and be a successful single father without the idiot of the mother who wont put her marriage first.

 

Yes money is important but take a look at this seriously. How can you trust her, you can't and her being around this OM is keeping you in pain. Then I say do a 180 and focus on your kids.

 

It doesnt sound like she's even listening to your words or arguement. logical as it may seem. Yeah we in a recession but your marriage is more important. she could always transfer or find something else.

[seibert253]

Doesn't sound to me like she really is 100% committed to saving your marriage. If she was, she would do EVERYTHING necessary. Not quitting her job and continuing contact, even if it is only work related, is not a good situation my friend.

Has she shown true remorse? Is she acting the same as when the A was happening? What steps has she taken to insure this will never happen again?

Just saying she wants to work on this, and going to counseling, is not going to cut it my friend. Trust me, with continued contact with OM, and a lackluster attitude toward R, she'll be back to her old tricks in no time.

If she's willing to work on fixing your marriage here's what I would do:

-She tells the OM she wants NC with him, whatsoever. The best thing is for her is to call and tell him while you are present. You may also wish to speak with him and tell him yourself.

-Tell her if she wants to remain married, she's going to quit her job.

-If you cannot financially survive without her income, give her time to find a new job before quitting.

-Complete transparency on her part, unfettered access to cell phones, e-mails, etc.

-MC and IC for both of you.

There are no compromises, these are not open for negotiation.

If your wife is not totally committed to fixing this then start the 180 ASAP.

You need to remain strong and do what's best for YOU and your family. Good Luck to you.

[2sure]

Its clear you want to work this work out. The problem is you want HER to want your marriage to work out...and you are not sure she does.

 

I am sure you have read here that there are several steps that MUST be taken if you want to save the marriage from an affair. Because your wife is an affair "fog" or otherwise not making good decisions - for the moment , it is YOU that has to be proactive. The FIRST step is ALWAYS to stop the A in its tracks. This creates a window of opportunity for you and your spouse to connect and see where you want to go, what you have to do.

 

In your case - the A has not stopped because she still has contact with OM.

 

Given the economy, maybe your wife has to keep this job. Thats a HUGE disadvantage to your marriage. But there is one more step you can take toward recovery. The A has to be revealed. Does OM have a spouse or SO? If so, telling them would mean you are not the only one being affected, not the only victim , not the only one fighting to end this.

 

If he is single - you are going to have to speak to him and the employer as well.

 

I know these things can seem hard to do - but they are necessary steps in any recovery and especially yours.

 

What have you to lose?

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her?

 

Can you trust her? I'd say no. She doesn't seem to care about your feelings if she expects you to be ok with her being around the OM...especially since she still has a thing for him.

 

And even if she never strays again, it is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE for her to be in any contact with the other man, even at work.

 

I say, either she starts looking for another job....she keeps the current one until she finds another, but she should be sending out 1 resume a week until she finds something different.

 

And if she doesn't want to make that effort....then you need to QUIT her.

 

#$%# that...quit her anyway.

[Dexter Morgan]

She probably needs the income. You two end up getting divorced and she has quit her job....she has no way of supporting herself.

It's all about money.

She needs the income.

In this economy, who knows, you could lose your job, hang on to your job!

 

I wouldn't say quit her job until she finds another one. But she DOES need to constantly look for another job. I don't care how long it takes. Even if she can't find another job..she keeps sending out resumes...even if its 5 years or better down the road.

 

If she isn't willing to do that, she isn't worth keeping....as if she was worth keeping after cheating in the first place.

[Trialbyfire]

Unless she's the primary breadwinner, a little additional income isn't worth risking the marriage for. She's already exceedingly lucky to still have a marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her?

 

If she won't quit her job, press with a divorce and having her move out. She wants you and this other man at the same time. Force a decision by manning up.

[TrustInYourself]

I wouldn't say quit her job until she finds another one. But she DOES need to constantly look for another job. I don't care how long it takes. Even if she can't find another job..she keeps sending out resumes...even if its 5 years or better down the road.

 

If she isn't willing to do that, she isn't worth keeping....as if she was worth keeping after cheating in the first place.

 

No way, that's enabling her. She can not be trusted. Why give her free time to game the system (you) and see this other man.

 

If she truly wants to work it out with you, she'll do as you ask. Otherwise, kick her ass to the curb.

[Dexter Morgan]

No way, that's enabling her. She can not be trusted. Why give her free time to game the system (you) and see this other man.

 

If she truly wants to work it out with you, she'll do as you ask. Otherwise, kick her ass to the curb.

 

I normally agree...I wouldn't stay with a cheater in the first place.

 

but he agreed. At the very LEAST she needs to be busting her ass to find one.

 

something tells me she wouldn't want to even give a squirt of piss try in finding another job. If that is revealed, then he should tell her to pack her bags.

[LuckyClover]

I did e-mail OM two days ago.....no reply....I told him to back off 100%..(nicely) I'm keeping the divorce in mine...I figured if I go attacking him, his character, motives, etc.... then that e-mail would more then likely be in front of a judge. No, he is not married...the reason my wife even started talking was because he had just broke up with another women(she left him because she wanted kids and he is unable to produce anymore). As far as letting the work know...her boss is pretty religious and would be devestated that this would be going on, in fact, he'd probably be quite discusted. I don't know if she would get fired, but I know if I was to basically "let the cat out of the bag" she would resent me for it and it would probably give her reason to start talking with him again. I don't know what to do but wait until we see the counceler this tuesday. I will tell her that this marriage will not work, that there will never be trust, unless she finds another job and shows the least bit of remorse for what she's done. My hell.....seriously people...what the hell am I doing....She is using me as a doormat....I hate to be pushey, but i hate to wait it out too...I don't want to threaten her....I mean really...Adultery is a misdemenor, I have the e-mail's saved to forward to her boss(she'll probably get fired, him too). But how vendictive can one person be. Can't I just trust her, pretend she's telling the truth, be the best person I can be for me, and hope it's enough to guilt her into trying to fall back in love with me..... Anyone that's been through this let me know....I've been through the initial shock, then sorrow, pain, broken heart, bawling, stress, guilt, change of heart personnely, anger, patience, hate, unconditional love, I can go on and on....right now im confused on how to be the one to leave her without it making it all my fault(disicion), after all, she really is the one who left me a long time ago, she just won't leave. If I leave, in the end she will justify and reason to herself that she did what she could and that I couldn't bring myself to forgive her and trust her, she will say I left her.

[Liquid]

Pick 100 stories/posts from this board, I guanteed that you won't find one of them that includes the wayward spouse still in touch/work with the affair partner and the affair ends on its own. Not ONE!

 

Get yourself tested!

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's right. I would no0t F her until she took an std' test. Get your cards ready and begin to make moves. If that means splitting the accounts, and going to lawfirms to know your rights than do so. Also look into AOA lawsuits if they exist in your area.

 

Play the cards close to your cheat and do a 180. it's all about you now. I bet you anything your wife remains in intimate contact with this man, you can't trust her.

[LuckyClover]

Nope...no Sex....won't untill she's tested....made that one clear...She's still insistant she hasn't talk with him since Friday and that she has been honest since thursday, since counceler. But I have not seen any actually(extra effort) to show me she wants to be with me, except she's nice to me now, not so ruthless.....I want to believe.

[2sunny]

actions are more telling than words. she's telling you that you don't matter, that the family isn't her priority.

 

the OM is her priority - so is her job.

 

you can find comfort in the fact that you will owe her less support money when you divorce since she's hell bent on keeping her job.

 

i'm sorry. get things in order to protect yourself and your assets. expect her to hide money or to put her valuables somewhere else.

 

she's made it perfectly clear what she intends to ultimately do, so your actions need to be acknowledging that she's making no effort for the marriage - but she's making effort for the OM and the job.

 

let her have her way - see how fast she turns around when she knows you are ready to accept that it's over and you are moving on.

 

ps... there are good women out there who would never do this to there husband... to the men they love. i promise.