My Wife won't quit her job!

[mark982]

lucky,sorry but she has no respect for you.seems like she's giving up alot of posessions,i think she just agreed to them to quite you up during the heat of the argument. i don't see her giving this much up in divorce though.

[Owl]

Get this in front of your lawyer...ASAP!!!

 

Get it in writing, get her signature on it.

[wuggle]

Sorry, I'm all for love and peace but having the OM phone you at YOUR home really is taking the p*ss. Definite no. Good you make this clear, if he does it again, tell him you will break his legs.

[LuckyClover]

Oh - I'll get it in writing...I have proof and that proof can cause both of them their jobs....it seems as though their jobs are more important then themselves or their families. She agrees or else she loses more than she bargined for....I'm pissed...Funny thing is, is that we got along last night better then we ever have...We understood each other when we talk about divorce....it just sucks when we try to talk about staying together...I can tell this morning she is scared sh#tless....she thinks she might be making a big mistake....uh...yeah...I tried to explain that to her a long f'en time ago....

[Owl]

Here's something that you might want to be aware of.

 

"Manning up" like this is attractive to a woman.

 

A woman can't respect a man she can walk all over. Women can't love a man they can't respect.

 

But a man who stands up for himself and his family demands respect.

[seibert253]

Ugh!!!!! So okay check this out the OM has the audacity to call my house at 10pm at night. I pick up and I say "are you kidding me" "are you for real" "you have got to have some kinda nerve to call this number." He said nothing , but my wife said "hang up the phone" "hang it up" So I hung it up! And finished eating my icecream. Then....the fun starts :-)

 

she's off the phone. Q. Hun what the hell was that? A. I told him to call me. Q. "are you fu<I<in kidding me?", in my house with our kids playing in the middle of whaterver converstation you two scarlet letters are having?

 

So anyway to make a long story short. We just layed down the law right there. I get the house...she gets all CC debt....I keep the time share....She keeps my share of the equity in her vehicale.....Wife has until end of may to find a place and move there. I get my guns and camping gear, 61' T.V. , PS3, computer. She gets the **** load of clothes I've bought, not to mention the shoes(were going to need a second truck). It's rediculas, then she's got her cricuit cutter, and her eliptical. everything else what ever.

 

We split kids 50/50.

But with the kids I've got leverage...all I want is 50/50 but I want to be the parent to be able to make that final decision or hire a counceler, or mediator. I will be the parent dropping kids off at school and picking them up, etc.... I'm keeping our house they will probably want to live with me the majority of the time. This is HOME to them...their beds will be here and their dressers. this deal sounds pretty good huh

 

Get this in writing, both of you sign it, get it noterized, and give to your attorney. Sooner rather than later.

[mark982]

who cares if she's scared sh#tless, she made her bed. get things in writing FAST,b4 she backs out.

[Dexter Morgan]

Certainly Dexter, you are a prime example of the type of person I was talking about, you are bitter and angry and advise everyone else to be the same

 

no I don't, I do advise them they can be happier without a cheater...nothing bitter or wrong about that.

 

I do, however, on occasion, when I see someone being walked all over, and they are allowing it that they need to vent, get the anger out and let a cheater know just how they feel instead of being seen as a cowering puppy dog.

 

 

strangly I do think that you will eventually lose that bitterness and look back on your previous advise and wish you could alter it (as I have seen at least one other poster start to do). (ironically I wasn't thinking about you when I was talking about bitter people, I really was just being general, but if the cap fits then wear it , and it certainly seems to fit in this case)

 

 

thats just it, people like you see that those that despise cheaters and the pain they cause as "bitter"....ho hum *yawn*

 

 

 

Lucky, when I was saying be magnanimous I stand by that. I was assuming when I advised you to give her the house and the car, that she would be having custody of the children (which says something that the thought of you getting custody never occured to me - have to concur with the Bay Harbour Butcher on that one ). If she is going to keep the kids then if you are not generous who really are you going to be screwing by turning it into an out and out cat fight and insisting on 50% each.

 

So basically, the cheated husband gets screwed out of everything in your opinion, and they should tank their own life to a cheating wife??

Thats ridiculous.

 

Bottom line, she cheated...she will get custody, he will pay for the privelige of not being with his kids on a daily basis...and by your logic...he should give up the farm and be completely miserable.....in your logic...the cheater wins!! What a deal for him huh?

 

I say bulls##t to that. There is nothing "cat fight"ish about getting everything split 50/50 by the law.

 

But in your view, the cheater walked all over him in marriage...and should be allowed to walk all over him in divorce.

 

But I did add that you should draw the line somewhere and not be a doormat.

 

Oh, and where is that line? you advocate giving her the house without getting any of the equity, the vehicles, etc. Where is your line?

 

I said go ahead and give her all of that, but she should owe him half the value of said stuff and half the equity in the house. She can negotiate this by agreeing not to touch equal value of his retirement.

 

Anything wrong with that? Or is the poor cheater going to get screwed in that fair proposal?

[Dexter Morgan]

Ugh!!!!! So okay check this out the OM has the audacity to call my house at 10pm at night. I pick up and I say "are you kidding me" "are you for real" "you have got to have some kinda nerve to call this number." He said nothing , but my wife said "hang up the phone" "hang it up" So I hung it up! And finished eating my icecream. Then....the fun starts :-)

 

she's off the phone. Q. Hun what the hell was that? A. I told him to call me. Q. "are you fu<I<in kidding me?", in my house with our kids playing in the middle of whaterver converstation you two scarlet letters are having?

 

ya, they both have some nerve. glad to hear you are getting rid of this sorry excuse for a "woman"

 

 

 

So anyway to make a long story short. We just layed down the law right there. I get the house...she gets all CC debt....I keep the time share....She keeps my share of the equity in her vehicale

 

 

You know, that sounds good, and is the fair thing to do seeing as how she is the cheater here and you didn't want any of this to happen.

 

But don't be fooled into thinking that will stick. If she gets her own attorney, that attorney WILL tell her she is making a mistake. So just protect yourself.

 

Wife has until end of may to find a place and move there. I get my guns and camping gear, 61' T.V. , PS3, computer. She gets the **** load of clothes I've bought, not to mention the shoes(were going to need a second truck). It's rediculas, then she's got her cricuit cutter, and her eliptical. everything else what ever.

 

We split kids 50/50.

 

That also sounds good, IF she does end up agreeing to it. Again, if she gets her own lawyer, expect this to change. If she wants full custody and goes for it, she WILL get it.

 

So if you can keep the 50/50 custody to stick, try to keep the lawyers out of it. She'd be dumb not to get her own lawyer....so are you 2 suggesting to go with one lawyer and you stick to what was agreed? Document what you 2 agreed on.

 

 

But with the kids I've got leverage...all I want is 50/50 but I want to be the parent to be able to make that final decision or hire a counceler, or mediator.

 

that isn't going to happen. with 50/50, it would be joint custody. And if you push it, she could change her mind and go for full custody.

 

 

I will be the parent dropping kids off at school and picking them up, etc.... I'm keeping our house they will probably want to live with me the majority of the time. This is HOME to them...their beds will be here and their dressers. this deal sounds pretty good huh

 

Yes, sounds like a great deal.....IF she doesn't get her own attorney.

[LuckyClover]

She might get an attorney now...I don't know. She woke up shaking...oh I think I'm making a mistake...blah, blah, blah... I think okay we have the counseler to go to...lets hear her out. She says she knows what she needs to do to make the marriage work. She acts like she wants to. Then she goes to f'en work. Counceler determinds.... Converstation is what she nees, She needs for me to buy her stuff-to show my love, she wants more help with the kids and around the house. OKAY are you f'en kidding me.... I work my ass of all day long...I come home and cook dinner...do the dishes...clean the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... have no problem getting the kids in the bath...LOVE IT actually. She's cheated on me and I have gone to the dept store and bought her an outfit with matching ear rings and necklace..just because no real reason and yes I have done this many times thoughout our marriage...thats why she has so much damn clothes, jewelry, shoes, and every other thing she's ever wanted. I'm done! There is a real woman out there that wants to be pampered and has no problem showing appricieation for it..... I called her on the phone today at work and told her I don't give an f about her work...that thats what people do they find a job, capitolize on the experieance, put it in a resume, and move on to other jobs. That's success. I told to shet or get off the pot. that this guy is full of bullshet...that he is no better then me, that in the end he's going to make the same d@mn scrammbled egg in the morning as anyone else. I told her she is childish, selfish, cold hearted and that I'm looking for a new wife.

[wuggle]

Dexter, on the issue of bitterness I am not going to argue with you any further as it isn't helpful to the OP, we are obviously 2 completely different individuals, Let the OP decide what he wants to hear.

 

On the issue of how much would I give, this I will answer as if nothing else it will give the OP a different perspective from the usual 50\50 split.

 

Ordinarily if a relationship was disolving and there were no children I would agree that a 50\50 split is best and fairest and should be fought for. In these circumstances there is no reason why either partner should be handicapped in thier future life. However in this case the OP states they have children, this in my opinion changes things radically and it was for this reason that I earlier advised being magnanomous, mostly for the sake of the children.

 

Look at it this way, there are actually three parties involved in this split, the OP, the wife and the children. a 50\50 split of assets between husband and wife neglects to take into account the fact that there are children who will need to be looked after from that point on as well. A 50\50 split would actually handicap the wife in having to raise the children.

 

If your asking me to put a figure on it, difficult as I don't know how many assets they have or how much the parties are earning, but I would say if there was one child there should probably be a 60\40 split to the wife, 2 or more kids roughly a 70\30 split. And so that you can't accuse me of evading the question, what would I consider unreasonable , anything over about 75% or anything more than the OP could actually afford to keep living.

 

Lucky, reading your previous post it looks like your wife might change her mind ? am i reading that right ? what would you do if she did ?

[Dexter Morgan]

She might get an attorney now

 

yup, i saw that one coming. Don't count on any of the things to which you agreed to play out. Her attorney will advise against it. Her attorney will definitely advise against the 50/50 custody. And her attorney will also be asking for everything as a starting point for negotiation.

 

Just remember, let your attorney handle it. no matter what they demand, 50/50 is the law. If you let a judge decide it, it would all get split down the middle.

 

So if she ends up wanting custody and wants the house and vehicle, let her have it. In return she leaves her mits off your retirement.....things like that.

 

 

 

...I don't know. She woke up shaking...oh I think I'm making a mistake

 

good

 

 

I think okay we have the counseler to go to...lets hear her out. She says she knows what she needs to do to make the marriage work. She acts like she wants to.

 

most do when they are faced with losing their comfortable situation.

 

 

Then she goes to f'en work. Counceler determinds.... Converstation is what she nees, She needs for me to buy her stuff-to show my love, she wants more help with the kids and around the house. OKAY are you f'en kidding me....

 

uh...she is the cheater...she isn't in a position to demand sh#t.

 

buy her stuff to show your love? thats not love and your so-called wife doesn't know the meaning of the word.

 

 

I work my ass of all day long...I come home and cook dinner...do the dishes...clean the kitchen, bathrooms, etc... have no problem getting the kids in the bath...LOVE IT actually. She's cheated on me and I have gone to the dept store and bought her an outfit with matching ear rings and necklace..just because no real reason and yes I have done this many times thoughout our marriage...thats why she has so much damn clothes, jewelry, shoes, and every other thing she's ever wanted. I'm done!

 

good. I think this is why she realizes she is making a mistake. She had you wrapped around her finger. Didn't have to do crap.....just like my x-wife. She left a husband that did everything she wanted....and now she has a man that physically abuses her.

 

 

There is a real woman out there that wants to be pampered and has no problem showing appricieation for it..... I called her on the phone today at work and told her I don't give an f about her work...that thats what people do they find a job, capitolize on the experieance, put it in a resume, and move on to other jobs. That's success. I told to shet or get off the pot.

 

nah, you shouldn't even try after what she told the counselor.

 

so speaking of "pots"....just flush this turd.

 

 

that this guy is full of bullshet...that he is no better then me, that in the end he's going to make the same d@mn scrammbled egg in the morning as anyone else. I told her she is childish, selfish, cold hearted and that I'm looking for a new wife.

 

whoa....easy thunder....while I like what you said...don't be in any hurry to get a new "wife". Date a while....have fun. look for a new woman definitely....but don't let yourself make a rash decision and get into marrying another wrong woman.

 

but yes, get yourself a new woman, or just hang out with friends and let the dating happen naturally.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ordinarily if a relationship was disolving and there were no children I would agree that a 50\50 split is best and fairest and should be fought for. In these circumstances there is no reason why either partner should be handicapped in thier future life. However in this case the OP states they have children, this in my opinion changes things radically and it was for this reason that I earlier advised being magnanomous, mostly for the sake of the children.

 

Thats what child support is for.

 

Look at it this way, there are actually three parties involved in this split, the OP, the wife and the children. a 50\50 split of assets between husband and wife neglects to take into account the fact that there are children who will need to be looked after from that point on as well. A 50\50 split would actually handicap the wife in having to raise the children.

 

Again, thats what child support is for. I had a 50/50 split, I pay child support....I'm living small, and she is living large. A better arrangement would have been I take the kids and I wouldn't require her to pay support whatsoever...but she'd have none of it. She wanted the money.

 

 

If your asking me to put a figure on it, difficult as I don't know how many assets they have or how much the parties are earning, but I would say if there was one child there should probably be a 60\40 split to the wife, 2 or more kids roughly a 70\30 split.

 

So a man has to pay child support for the privilege of not being with his children on a daily basis, and loses 70% of his retirement to his cheating wife?

 

70%? are you insane?

 

Again, if a man has to give up 70% of everything...then why not let the father have custody and the father could waive support from the mother?

 

Lucky, reading your previous post it looks like your wife might change her mind ? am i reading that right ? what would you do if she did ?

 

What? change her mind and want me back? I'd tell her not a chance in hell. Why would I want her?

[wuggle]

70%? are you insane?

 

Again, if a man has to give up 70% of everything...then why not let the father have custody and the father could waive support from the mother?

 

Maybe here we have a point we can agree on, why not indeed, or why not let the father have custody, take 70% of the assets and have the woman pay child support as well ? with this I would be in total agreement, sadly for some reason unbeknowns to me, despite a supposedly gender equal society, from what I see judges still seem to favour the woman in these matters most times, the woman usually gets most custody of the children, why ?

[Dexter Morgan]

Maybe here we have a point we can agree on, why not indeed, or why not let the father have custody, take 70% of the assets and have the woman pay child support as well ?

 

because child support is to support the child.....there isn't a need to unequitably divide the assets to the custodial parent's advantage.

 

 

despite a supposedly gender equal society, from what I see judges still seem to favour the woman in these matters most times, the woman usually gets most custody of the children, why ?

 

trust me, it doesn't seem that way....it IS that way.

[LuckyClover]

Okay...I really really really don't know what to do....when I'm nice and try..I get shet on.......when I'm an ass....This is what she just wrote me.

 

[sIZE=2][COLOR=#545454][sIZE=2][COLOR=#545454]Wife says:

[/COLOR][/sIZE][/COLOR][/sIZE][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][sIZE=2]Alright I am just starting with Baby step, but I have honestly talked with OM.

He knows that it is over! I mean really over!

I am ready and excited to 'make' our marriage work.

I am still not sure about the quitting my job thing and we will really need to talk about this, but I am willing to try

I do feel at peace! I feel like I really want to make it work and this time it will, you are not responding and that is OK, maybe we can talk later

 

I never responded.......what the hell am I DOING??????

[/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

[delajoonal]

ok, this post peeked my interest, i am going to go back and read ALL of the responses, and re-read the OP...

brb..

[seibert253]

Okay...I really really really don't know what to do....when I'm nice and try..I get shet on.......when I'm an ass....This is what she just wrote me.

 

[sIZE=2][COLOR=#545454][sIZE=2][COLOR=#545454]Wife says:[/COLOR][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][COLOR=#545454][/COLOR][/sIZE][/COLOR][/sIZE][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][sIZE=2]Alright I am just starting with Baby step, but I have honestly talked with OM. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif]He knows that it is over! I mean really over![/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif]I am ready and excited to 'make' our marriage work.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif]I am still not sure about the quitting my job thing and we will really need to talk about this, but I am willing to try[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif]I do feel at peace! I feel like I really want to make it work and this time it will, you are not responding and that is OK, maybe we can talk later[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif] [/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif]I never responded.......what the hell am I DOING??????[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][FONT=Microsoft Sans Serif][/sIZE][/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I wonder if the OM threw her under the bus, now she's going with plan B.

I don't know Lucky. If it were me, I'd meet and see what she's got to say. But, in the end I would tell her that in order for this marriage to work, 1st thing she HAS to do is quit her job. No negotiation. Then we can work on everything else from there.

[lkjh]

First off your therapist is a idiot. If the therapist really believes you need to start showing your love when she is the one that cheated. If she does want to get back together, think really hard if you even want her back after all of this

[avenger]

Mark 9:47

And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.

 

This means it is better to cut off what caused you to get intro sin than to hold on to it....

 

She should have quit her job.

I bet she will still get it in with the OM.

Most cheaters never change until they get hurt themselves in order to break the cycle maybe.....

 

I would have left her no lie and got separated or even divorced.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your response should have required her to "prove" her intention by action of deed. She has already stipulated her obstinance to immediately relinquish her job but, you don't know whether it's due to the economy or her lingering attachment to her OM. You should have never backed down to hang up the phone when she demanded because when she forced you to hang the phone up during your interception of her convo with OM by relinquishing control in the face of both of them, your actions spoke volumes as to who is really the

"Boss of Me".

 

Think about it!! He said nothing to your railings yet he heard you aquiesce to her order to hang up the phone when she asserted control over the situation. That was your tell that she still needed to harbor a secretitive liason between her OM to which you were not to be invited or privy to. Her sudden 180 toward her special OM in favor of deciding to revitalize the marriage should be construed with extreme skeptisism as there is a darkness in her ways and something wicked this may come! Now they both know that you will sooner or later bow to the status of....dum, dah, dah dummmmm... super hero "Cuckold Husband"!

 

Take care!

[wuggle]

First question you need to ask is 'do you still love her ?' second is 'do you love her enough to make a go of this, despite all the **** you will have to go through ?' third is 'do you want to ?'. Only if the answer to all three is Yes should you. If the answer is no then you should tell her outright that tit is over and there is no chance.

 

And then, you should ask her to quit her job. If she isn't prepared to then she isn't really comitted. If she is prepared you need to decide if it's best to simply quit or wait to get another (which may take time, and as Owl pointed out earlier is very difficult and open to problems).

 

But think about the questions first, do you want to do this ?

[wuggle]

Mark 9:47

And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell.

 

This means it is better to cut off what caused you to get intro sin than to hold on to it....

 

She should have quit her job.

I bet she will still get it in with the OM.

Most cheaters never change until they get hurt themselves in order to break the cycle maybe.....

 

I would have left her no lie and got separated or even divorced.

 

 

Sorry Avenger but this totally pees me off, you quoute scripture then say don't forgive her, just divorce - how totally hypocritical can you be

[Chrome Barracuda]

Bottom line is actions speak louder than words, and now that she see's your at the end of your rop and serious. She's panicking. I still bet overall is that she's still in emotional contact with the OM and doesnt want to give that up.

 

But stay the course, let the actions speak for themselves.

[PWSX3]

Sorry Avenger but this totally pees me off, you quoute scripture then say don't forgive her, just divorce - how totally hypocritical can you be

 

I agree, God say's; I HATE DIVORCE.......

 

Even though I am divorced I still believe keeping a family together if all possible is the best thing.

 

I also don't believe that saying; once a cheat always a cheater. I was the one that cheated in our married, but that isn't why my former wife divorced me. But I also learned why I did & what I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen in my next relationship......

 

I do believe trust can be rebuilt but it will take LOTS of time & LOTS of work. Don't let her just come back & be like; oh things are all better now. You are the one in control now so make her show you she is 100% ready to work on the marriage.

 

I would suggest a better counselor, look around for marriage classes at a local church, & start slow rebuilding.....

 

Like someone else said; make sure you love her, make sure you want to work on the marriage, & then get started.....

 

Google Henry Cloud/John Townsend & they have a great web site with little videos that you can watch. I am taking classes at my local church that are very helpful & maybe it might shine some light on your situation for you as well....