My Wife won't quit her job!

[LuckyClover]

Okay....here we go again. I'm going to try again. It's still very awkward around my wife....She said to the counceler that what she is lacking with me is conversation. Okay...well I try to talk to her, I don't get much back. The problem is what do you converse about with someone you know practicly everything about. The things the OM talked about I already know. And she knows it. So please help me, how do you rekindle a lost love? What could I ask that will open us up to deep meaningful conversation? How do you fall in love with someone you think you know everything about? I know these are pretty much the same questions just phrased differently, but I really need some help... it's really awkward. Oh and yes she knows that she still needs to quit her job and is willing to do so, but I did give her two weeks to find a new one. Damn I'm a nice guy...she is very lucky...I have the divorce papers all filled out ready to be signed, sealed, and delivered. (she doesn't know that)

[Gunny376]

Ride through the park after dark in a horse drawn carriage

 

Kiss good night

 

Discover an out of the way cafe

 

Pray Together

 

Enjoy a sunset walk along the beach

 

Have "your" table at your favorite restaurant!

 

Lend support during tough times!

 

Hang mistletoe together!

 

Pass love notes in the library!

 

Sneak away for a moonlit swim!

 

Go to a local grove to pick fruit and then go home and cook something with it!

 

Flirt only with each other

 

Snuggle up while listening to Linda Ronstadt and Nelson Riddle and His Orchestra

 

Stop to make a purchase from a street flower vendor

 

Shar a bag of M&M's

 

Snuggle

 

Make a list of your favorite songs and then record them

 

Relax with a brandy by the fire

 

Share a box of Godiva Chocolates

 

Go parking

 

Steal a kiss while in a corner booth at a restaurant

 

Reserve side by side seat on the couch for Super Bowl Sunday!

 

For a panoramic view, climb a look out tower

 

Attend a golf tournament at a local club

 

Go fishing!

 

Catch the World Series on the tube

 

Read "2002 Things To Do On A Date" by Cyndi Haynes and Dale Edwards

 

Make Brownies!

 

Make mud pies!

 

Laugh, sing, smile!

 

Throw mud pies at each other!

 

Have a mud pie fight!

 

Throw mud pies at the kids the dogs! Clean them up together!

 

Have a water-balloon fight!

 

Live life to its top! Feel invigorated! Feel Alive!

[2sunny]

she's got some nerve putting the blame on you. YOU don't make conversation with her??? why would you? she's cheated and you SHOULD be pissed off!!!

 

her actions have told you that she wants the OM first. she actually wants both of you - she really wants you to go along with her sneaky little plan and she wants you to be quiet while she does her thing.

 

she also wants to manipulate you when she actually thinks you MIGHT walk away... other than that she's willing to stand there and treat you unkindly and with disrespect... and she expects YOU to do the work to repair this marriage.

 

tell me, do HER ACTIONS tell you that she is willing to go to ANY length to repair the marriage and to make sure you are #1 in her life... taking the FULL responsibility for her bad behavior and actions???? NO - she's been telling you the opposite!

 

give her the boot and move on. she's not worth the effort, she's acting selfish and self centered. she's a cake eater at best. :sick:

[Gunny376]

she's got some nerve putting the blame on you. YOU don't make conversation with her??? why would you? she's cheated and you SHOULD be pissed off!!!

 

her actions have told you that she wants the OM first. she actually wants both of you - she really wants you to go along with her sneaky little plan and she wants you to be quiet while she does her thing.

 

she also wants to manipulate you when she actually thinks you MIGHT walk away... other than that she's willing to stand there and treat you unkindly and with disrespect... and she expects YOU to do the work to repair this marriage.

 

tell me, do HER ACTIONS tell you that she is willing to go to ANY length to repair the marriage and to make sure you are #1 in her life... taking the FULL responsibility for her bad behavior and actions???? NO - she's been telling you the opposite!

 

give her the boot and move on. she's not worth the effort, she's acting selfish and self centered. she's a cake eater at best. :sick:

 

OOOOooRahhaaa

 

I like a gal with some spit and vinegar in her eye!

[2sunny]

OOOOooRahhaaa

 

I like a gal with some spit and vinegar in her eye!

 

oh no... you noticed? :lmao:

[Gunny376]

oh no... you noticed? :lmao:

 

Just like Captain Jack Farrow!

[Gunny376]

But where is the rum?

 

Why is the rum always gone?

[2sunny]

But where is the rum?

 

Why is the rum always gone?

 

unfortunately for you - this is the true me - in my very sober piss and vinegar state.

 

when i drank in the old days - it wasn't rum... it was vodka that was always gone. :lmao:

 

thank God for a clear mind... feisty albeit.

[Gunny376]

Thanks for the laugh!

[lkjh]

Why are you back to chasing her? If she wants the marriage to work she needs to chase you.

[Owl]

First off...set some point blank REQUIREMENTS around what you'll insist on before you'll consider reconciliation with her.

 

Marriage counseling is good...make sure that it's one you both can agree on.

 

Second...quit her job. Now. I'd seriously make this a point blank, non-negotiable requirements.

 

NC with OM...for life. In any fashion at all, whatsoever. No talk, no touch, no email, no IM, no text, no NOTHING ever again...ever.

 

Full and completely accountability/transparency going forward. Full access to her cell phone, any email accounts/IM accounts she has. She has to rebuild your trust in her...this is how she starts.

 

If she refuses on any of this...deal-breaker, time to talk to your attorney.

 

I'm curious...why did she have to talk with OM now to tell him that "everything's over"?!?! Wasn't that already said and done?!?!?!

 

Last thing...if you start to reconcile...I seriously suggest that the two of you start a new hobby or project together...take up martial arts/biking/anything, or begin working on a major renovation project in the house that the two of you will do yourselves. This will give you guys some "good" times together, and a source of conversation material to start with.

[LuckyClover]

Well...Remember when I said I e-mailed him....well...He used that as an excuse to talk with her....then I had enough of her wishy washy ways and told her point black she was a childish, selfish, little girl. I told her if she didn't make a decision by the end of the day then that was the desicision she made and to start packing. I think your right though, she started panicking. She does sound sincere; however, those ARE just words....she still works there...I don't beilieve there has been any contact thus far through e-mail, cell phone, or telephone *yet*. She will quit her job! That's a non-nogociable. You know I just don't think she knows how to love anymore. It's funny - last night I asked her how she was going to SHOW me she wants to make our marriage, she replyed - well..I have kissed you more and hugged you and stuff....So I asked another question - I asked to think back to those hugs and kisses and tell me "who initiated them?" She pauses and it finally dawns on her - ooooohhhhhhh.....YOUR F"EN HUSBAND thats been spit on and stabbed in the heart 100 times in the last 2 months is still the one that is able to show unconditional love.....NOT HER.... I want to love her again, but it's almost like im keeping score and she's just doesn't know how to play the game.

[2sunny]

Well...Remember when I said I e-mailed him....well...He used that as an excuse to talk with her....then I had enough of her wishy washy ways and told her point black she was a childish, selfish, little girl. I told her if she didn't make a decision by the end of the day then that was the desicision she made and to start packing. I think your right though, she started panicking. She does sound sincere; however, those ARE just words....she still works there...I don't beilieve there has been any contact thus far through e-mail, cell phone, or telephone *yet*. She will quit her job! That's a non-nogociable. You know I just don't think she knows how to love anymore. It's funny - last night I asked her how she was going to SHOW me she wants to make our marriage, she replyed - well..I have kissed you more and hugged you and stuff....So I asked another question - I asked to think back to those hugs and kisses and tell me "who initiated them?" She pauses and it finally dawns on her - ooooohhhhhhh.....YOUR F"EN HUSBAND thats been spit on and stabbed in the heart 100 times in the last 2 months is still the one that is able to show unconditional love.....NOT HER.... I want to love her again, but it's almost like im keeping score and she's just doesn't know how to play the game.

 

please tell me why you continue to take her crumbs when her actions say that she's disregarding you and intends to make NO effort to love you?

 

are you that desperate for a gal to treat you like dirt? because that is exactly what she's doing and you are only asking for more by sticking around.

[mark982]

man,your groveling at her feet and she knows it.she's not one bit worried about you going antwhere.by your actions "you're" letting her treat you like crap.come on grab a pair and set her straight.

[LuckyClover]

I'm scared...I don't want to regret not trying to make it work...I don't want to be the reason it didn't work....I'm afraid that me being selfish myself...that I will think that because of my pride I didn't give her a second chance and try to trust her. I know she's being stupid, everyday I love her that much less...........Please, when am I going to stop hurting, I feel so bad for the kids....they have so much love in them....F#ck her...this stupid stupid little B$tch. Shet Shet SHet. I have to find the f'en nerves to end this, but I don't want to be just as selfish as her...UGH!

[2sunny]

tell me how it is selfish to have self respect?

 

if you allow your kids to see her treating you like dirt and you beg for more of the same - is that considered a good example for your kids?

 

they will carry the example you set into their own marriages and relationships.

 

when a healthy boundary is set and shown as an example - they understand that you are only willing to have happy, healthy people in your life. it will eliminate folks that are mean and nasty to you and allow kind, open hearted, giving people will find you attractive. i call it "weeding the garden." he he - you must eliminate the yucky stuff around you so that you can make room for the beautiful parts to grow and blossom and grow...

 

if you allow your wife to treat you with disrespect and disregard - then your kids will learn to have that as an example to live by. it will also encourage you to grow into a mean, nasty, bitter person who is resentful to have to live with this crap for as long as YOU tolerate it.

[PWSX3]

Lucky,

I have said this many times & so have others but it works. Don't worry about fixing your marriage, work on figuring out who you are, what you could have done better.

For me I read books, starting taking classes at a local church & by working on me, it makes how you feel or see your marriage a lot easier.

 

If you work on you the wife will notice. Like you said; actions speak louder then words....

 

The only control you have is from the skin to the inside so work on that.

[LuckyClover]

PWS....so are you saying I should allow her to continue working there and believe her when she says that she won't cheat on me again????? Focus on me and hope she see's what a good man I am and our marriage will work itself out? Will the pain ever go away? Will I get used to the idea that she was a one time(right now) choosing her job over me? She says that she doesn't want to quit her job because she's afraid that I will never trust her again and then when I leave, she will be out of a job. It's really really hard to love someone so selfish PWS. But I don't want to be the one that didn't make the right decision.

[2sunny]

PWS....so are you saying I should allow her to continue working there and believe her when she says that she won't cheat on me again????? Focus on me and hope she see's what a good man I am and our marriage will work itself out? Will the pain ever go away? Will I get used to the idea that she was a one time(right now) choosing her job over me? She says that she doesn't want to quit her job because she's afraid that I will never trust her again and then when I leave, she will be out of a job. It's really really hard to love someone so selfish PWS. But I don't want to be the one that didn't make the right decision.

 

oh geeez, where to begin?... all of your thoughts are based on so much fear... and so much on you reacting to what she is or isn't going to do.

 

step back and take care of your own well being. this eliminates your need to be happy with with her in your life. you CAN and WILL be happy if you decide that taking care of your best interest is what is BEST.

 

if you take care of yourself and your happiness first - you will effectively and instinctually pass that positive and happy energy along to those around you (besides you? - your kids, for one).

 

whether she's there or not will not affect how you end up happy. if she chooses to be a decent, kind and loving person - then she may have the benefit of continuing to be part of your life.

 

you may benefit from reading the book CoDependent No More.

 

your happiness should not be determined by what she is or isn't going to do or not do. and you don't need to REACT to every little thing she does or doesn't do. stay neutral for now by having NO REACTION. at least until you figure out what healthy looks like for you. then you can take ACTION instead of reacting to her.

 

and btw - no action is actually an action... especially when it shuts down the chaos she intends to bring to your daily life.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Stand your ground!!!

 

If you falter and second guess yourself your never gonna get nowhere. Right now your wife sees your serious about moving on with your life! if you back down and let her work there she will not leave!

 

...Ever!

 

Your on the right course. It takes two to make it work but it's all on her. Either she leaves and continues to work with the dousche-bag, over her own husband.

 

Or she leaves her job, finds something else and begins to truly work on your marriage!

 

There can be no third option.

 

Do not waver now your so close!

[wuggle]

I call it "weeding the garden." he he

 

One mans weeds are anothers flowers, I happen to love bluebells on my lawn, but many consider them weeds.

 

PWS....so are you saying I should allow her to continue working there and believe her when she says that she won't cheat on me again?????

 

No, you don't have to put up with her working there if you dont want, but you don't have to equate giving her another chance with being a whimp, You did love the woman at one point (think you still do) so why not give her another chance. This doesn't make you any less of a man as some people on here will tell you, more IMO.

 

But, you do need to make it VERY clear that YOU are GIVING her a chance and that she MUST comply with certain conditions. I'm not going to tell you what these are (quit work, no contact etc), only you know what you will be comfortable with. Make it clear to her that is she breaks these conditions THEN it is over.

 

But please dont feel that you need to NOT give her a chance, especially if you do still love her. Yes she has sh*t on you, yes she has been a selfish bitch, but we all f*k up occasionally, you will too one day, trust me. Treat her how you would hope to be treated if the tables were turned. This is not to say that you allow her to take the p*ss. If she is STILL being a bitch, or selfish then you are totally justified in seperating. But if she is remorsefull, is willing to guit her job, go NC etc you can (if you want) rebuild your marriage.

 

However, all that being said, as another poster pointed out, you do seem to use the 'fear' word a lot. You should NOT just stay with this woman out of fear. If you do not still love her ten dont bother. Fear is no way to lead a life, and you dont have to. One way or another the pain will subside, i gaurentee you that (even though it may take a while), but never life a life of fear. You can thrive on your own and totally enjoy your life without her, it might even be better, who knows.

 

Forget the fear of what might happen, do you love her ? do you love her enough to forgive her and work through this ? is she remorseful ? does she accept that she has been a bit*h ? , is SHE prepared to do whatever it takes to make this work ? these are the important questions, NOT , what will I do without her, how will I cope on my own.

 

 

Stand your ground!!!

 

If you falter and second guess yourself your never gonna get nowhere. Right now your wife sees your serious about moving on with your life! if you back down and let her work there she will not leave!

 

...Ever!

 

Your on the right course. It takes two to make it work but it's all on her. Either she leaves and continues to work with the dousche-bag, over her own husband.

 

Or she leaves her job, finds something else and begins to truly work on your marriage!

 

There can be no third option.

 

Do not waver now your so close!

 

 

Good advice

[LuckyClover]

We just don't get along right now....she is so rude. I am sticking with the divorce! We've been talking a bit about the kids...we'll probably do a 4 on 4 off 4 on 4 off deal. She was pissed I had the divorce papers all filled out and printed...said she needs to be part of that stuff.....She won't even stop for 2 secs to talk to me most of the time...all of the sudden I'm an ass because I won't include her....uh, I've done all the bills,taxes,taken kids to school, planned the vacations, packed the cars for trips, planned the camping, set everything up by myself, all the yard work, dishes, cleaning, shampoo carpets, fix anything and everything broke. the list goes on and on....she does do laundry more then me though and she does get the kids in the bath more then me....I do most of the cooking...yeah...I think I'll be just fine without her.

[LuckyClover]

It so funny.....We get along so well when we talk about divorce. She's officially moving out. She found a place today...she wants me to give her 200 extra dollars to help her put the deposit down. You know I'll do it..But it to me is another example of how dependent she is. She hasn't signed the papers yet, but it is apperant that I am keeping the house(mainly because I'm the only one that can afford it) As far as custody of the kids...she's really fighting to be the custodial parent..(I won't allow it at this point). As far as insides go..I'm all screwed up...Part of me is way excited to move on and give it a go in the single parent world..the other part of me is tore up, scared to death that she is going to regret leaving and try to rekindle what can never be again(I just can't handle anymore heartache, it hurts way too much)....I just hope that I'm not putting up to strong of a wall that even I won't be able to knock down. My daughter is full aware of the move, but still doesn't really understand what it all means. She continues to make comments about her loving her family and how great it is to have the best mom and dad in the whole world. I hope to God she isn't going to feel any rejection or heartache inside of her. But this must be the right thing to do.....I hope. I've been reading a lot of other threads here at LS and am shocked at how many of us are out there....this is the worst thing I have ever had to go through, and according to a lot of you...it's only the beginning.

[PWSX3]

I've done all the bills,taxes,taken kids to school, planned the vacations, packed the cars for trips, planned the camping, set everything up by myself, all the yard work, dishes, cleaning, shampoo carpets, fix anything and everything broke. the list goes on and on....she does do laundry more then me though and she does get the kids in the bath more then me....I do most of the cooking...yeah...I think I'll be just fine without her.

The last few times we went to our MC she was saying that we need to share the work load around the house. I had to help out with house chores and if something wasn't getting done it wasn't my place to tell the former wife, but I just had to do it myself.

 

That was part of our problem, she didn't like having a clean house, she didn't like to cook, and after our separation she even got worse. What happened is during our separation "I" learned I could cook, clean, do laundry, & so when we got back together I ended up doing everything but then she didn't like that, she felt left out so you can lever win......

 

I figured if I helped in the house then it was only fair she could take care of her own car & the maintenance on it. It had a small water leak & I just suggested she get it fixed which she never did & I guess she finally sold the car cheap instead of fixing it, she couldn't even get that done. Luckily now it isn't my problem.

 

Don't worry you will do fine living on your own, you will start finding it isn't all that bad.

Just do whatever it takes for you to grow as a person & don't worry about what she could do or what she can do.....

 

I'm pretty sure you will see things a lot differently 6 months from now and you will be writing a completely different story.

If she really wanted to work on the marriage she would be doing a LOT more to show it....

[wuggle]

Sorry to hear she is moving out lucky, guess I was hoping you guys might work it out. Your life does sound like complete turmoil at the moment and cant offer you any more advice, can say though that the pain will go eventually and if you do end up divorcing you really will be fine on your own.

 

Good luck, take care.