Author LuckyClover Posted May 3, 2009 Author Share Posted May 3, 2009 Seriously what's the deal! I finally start feeling confident about our decision- I am trying so hard to cover the hurt and move on and I was doing so well. Then I come home for lunch and first of all she's trying to be nice to me...and then I tell her I got some boxes from work for her, and she says she talked to her mom and her mom wants her to ask me if I would give her a second chance and let her keep her job.....are you kidding me! I have already given her like 5 chances and each time i open my heart it gets stabbed and stabbed and stabbbed over and over again...how will she feel tomorrow after she goes to work and there he is mr. the sun only shines because my wife is in his life....so I think okay...first she isn't asking, it's her mom asking, but what did she say to her mom that would make her even second guess the decision? So just one comment and now my gut hurts again, that same gut that I've worked so hard at numbing, I feel like punching something, she's trying to turn this around like it's my decision...well....it is! But my decision is based on her actions....and whether she likes it or not - I'm in no different position whether she leaves or quits her job and stays home.... The same income applies.....so tell me if I'm wrong but no, no more chances unless she quits her job. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 Seriously what's the deal! I finally start feeling confident about our decision- I am trying so hard to cover the hurt and move on and I was doing so well. Then I come home for lunch and first of all she's trying to be nice to me...and then I tell her I got some boxes from work for her, and she says she talked to her mom and her mom wants her to ask me if I would give her a second chance and let her keep her job.....are you kidding me! I have already given her like 5 chances and each time i open my heart it gets stabbed and stabbed and stabbbed over and over again...how will she feel tomorrow after she goes to work and there he is mr. the sun only shines because my wife is in his life....so I think okay...first she isn't asking, it's her mom asking, but what did she say to her mom that would make her even second guess the decision? So just one comment and now my gut hurts again, that same gut that I've worked so hard at numbing, I feel like punching something, she's trying to turn this around like it's my decision...well....it is! But my decision is based on her actions....and whether she likes it or not - I'm in no different position whether she leaves or quits her job and stays home.... The same income applies.....so tell me if I'm wrong but no, no more chances unless she quits her job. LuckyClover, just ditch this loser. She's unbelievably selfish and the worst kind of manipulator. Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 LuckyClover, just ditch this loser. She's unbelievably selfish and the worst kind of manipulator. Lucky, please ignore this crass advice, life isn't that simple I'm afraid. first she isn't asking, it's her mom asking Is it , or is this just an excuse, her testing the ground ? I feel like punching something I understand this totally !, rather than f*ck things up by keeping this anger around , my advice, go to a quiet place where no one can hear you or see you , find a door and punch it (yeah I know other posters will not be happy me saying that but in this case I think it might help, if you don't then the anger might cause more harm by something nasty you say or do, so s*d it, hit a door). she's trying to turn this around like it's my decision...well....it is! Of course she is, she is probably in just as much pain as you are and is probably just as scared. My guess, she hasn't got a bloody clue what is happening either. This whole situation sounds like a tornado hit both of you. so tell me if I'm wrong but no, no more chances unless she quits her job. No, you are not wrong, you have stood your ground and told her she must quit her job now else you are over. Stand by your decision. I think in this case it is the right decision. She sounds like she is reeling and thrashing around inside her head in total turmoil. You have told her what she needs to do to stand a chance of making your relationship work and she hasn't done it. This is not your fault, you may be suffering (you both are) but this is not your fault. If she will not make this decision to quit work then she is the one who is deciding that your relationship is not worth it, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyClover Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Thank you everyone for your support through these difficult times. All of your comments have focused my attention to your words. I have tried many of your techniques, and suggestions. I don't feel there is any hope for this marriage. I do love my wife, and I'm sure I always will. I don't know if the pain will ever go away, but what does it matter. I have no choice....this is the life I live.....I know I'm not alone. I don't feel sorry for myself, nor will I give up on improving my life. Yes she is still living here and is planning on moving out June 1st. She is still in contact with OM but it doesn't really matter now does it. I don't need to check on her, I don't need to worry about her......I do need to learn to live without her...I have felt those future lonely nights and are not looking forward to them. I won't have a dime to my name when this is said and done. But I do have a library card . That's somewhere I might go and learn to get into. I can't afford t.v, internet, telephone, fuel, nothing. I'll figure something out......Damn her........I do keep the house! (upside down, but secured debt), I get 50/50 split with kids(me as custodian), I'm paying for a 2008 F150(interst free)(I might have to self-repo that one), and she's taking the CC's(19,000). So yeah I'm broke, but not as bad as it could have been. I've picked up boxing, working out, playing basketball, and softball, so far it's helped me feel better about the direction i'm going...I always felt like I did nothing but whatever my wife wanted.....oh wait...that's right, that is all I did...Damn she made me a loser...I'm going to the top people..it may take longer then I thought but I will not be stopped...no longer will I allow my STBXW(my babies momma)(I can't believe I have a baby mamma) be a ball and chain. Thanks Wuggle I wanted it to work too....the new me with a remoarsed cheater would have been okay. Oh well...I wonder what tomorrow brings... Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 STAND YOUR ...GROUND! Your doing great what your doing, because that way when someone else comes along in your future, your gonna be way better of and in a better state of mind to receive an even better woman! Detaching from a unremorseful woman like her is exactly what you need to do. Actions speak louder than words! Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 My wife works with the man she has had an affair with emotionally and phisically. We are seeing a counceler and she says she wants to work it out. she is still emotionally attached to this OM. But she won't quit her job. Should I believe it will end or am I setting myself up for more heart break? Can I trust her? She cheated, you should divorce her. She will do it again (possibly already is.) Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Sorry to hear that Lucky. But I do think you will get through the pain of a split and you will rebuild your life. I know it sounds cliched and a bit condescending (honestly don't mean it to be) but you are still quite young and possibly in the long run it might be better this happens now, rather than 20 years time. The only chance your relationship stood was if she saw her faults and was remorseful, which she hasn't. Take care of your health and try to eat well. Look after your kids and yourself. Hopefully you will get through this as undamaged as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
avenger Posted May 7, 2009 Share Posted May 7, 2009 I agree, God say's; I HATE DIVORCE....... Even though I am divorced I still believe keeping a family together if all possible is the best thing. I also don't believe that saying; once a cheat always a cheater. I was the one that cheated in our married, but that isn't why my former wife divorced me. But I also learned why I did & what I need to do to make sure it doesn't happen in my next relationship...... I do believe trust can be rebuilt but it will take LOTS of time & LOTS of work. Don't let her just come back & be like; oh things are all better now. You are the one in control now so make her show you she is 100% ready to work on the marriage. I would suggest a better counselor, look around for marriage classes at a local church, & start slow rebuilding..... Like someone else said; make sure you love her, make sure you want to work on the marriage, & then get started..... Google Henry Cloud/John Townsend & they have a great web site with little videos that you can watch. I am taking classes at my local church that are very helpful & maybe it might shine some light on your situation for you as well.... Yeah but remember you cant force someone to love you back when you put int the effort. But in this case it sounds like she is gone in my opinion. We all know God hate divorce but it happens and he allows it because of our hardened hearts. Some are selfish and some will not forgive and some just dont care anymore which is sad but life goes on. I suggest that movie fireproof. It was really good. The husband and wife both were selfish and the husband changed but the wife started having an affair but worked it out in the end. But I am like this. If she does not show remorse then move on and make her chase you. Show her that you can live without her. But if she don't put up the effort then separate or divorce. I caught my ex cheating and she was not remorseful therefore I left her and the look on her face was priceless. She knew she just lost a good one. But my life rolls on. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 She still needs to quit her damn job though! I've got a novel idea, Drop the DAMN bomb on them both! What I mean is, inform her boss of them two screwing each other! They've faced NO consequences for their actions! Make them hurt NOW! You've hurt long enough! Then contact a Lawyer get get rid of this cancerous woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I've got a novel idea, Drop the DAMN bomb on them both! What I mean is, inform her boss of them two screwing each other! They've faced NO consequences for their actions! Make them hurt NOW! You've hurt long enough! Then contact a Lawyer get get rid of this cancerous woman! Send the E-mails to their boss! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Send the E-mails to their boss! Oh, you're Divorcing her, Good man! Oh, you can still send a copy of the E-Mails to her boss, she needs a wake up call anyway! So does OM! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyClover Posted May 11, 2009 Author Share Posted May 11, 2009 Problem with dropping the bomb on them at work is, then I wouldn't have any dirt to hold over her head when she talks about child support and keeping the house. And Yes she has been trying so hard to convince me she is entitled to my money....she's not getting a dime and I am keeping the house and the reason is, not only because, I've earned it, or deserve it for what she's done to our family, but because she doesn't want him or herself to lose their jobs....and I have that in the palm of my hands. We have never fought so much in our lives....she is a different person....a person I can not believe I ever let into my life.....So far she has balance trasfered the CC's into her name, opened her own checking account, is going to get a cell phone in her name today, and put a deposit on a townhome today... Yes I am helping her with the deposit, basically I'm helping her with everything....but believe me people she needs to go....I can't stand her being here.....she discust me when I see her, hear her, or even think of her. I want her out...and I would do anything to get her there. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 Problem with dropping the bomb on them at work is, then I wouldn't have any dirt to hold over her head when she talks about child support and keeping the house. And Yes she has been trying so hard to convince me she is entitled to my money....she's not getting a dime and I am keeping the house and the reason is, not only because, I've earned it, or deserve it for what she's done to our family, but because she doesn't want him or herself to lose their jobs....and I have that in the palm of my hands. We have never fought so much in our lives....she is a different person....a person I can not believe I ever let into my life.....So far she has balance trasfered the CC's into her name, opened her own checking account, is going to get a cell phone in her name today, and put a deposit on a townhome today... Yes I am helping her with the deposit, basically I'm helping her with everything....but believe me people she needs to go....I can't stand her being here.....she discust me when I see her, hear her, or even think of her. I want her out...and I would do anything to get her there. Who says tell them now? Get done what needs to be done, Divorce her sorry ass, then when everything's done, drop the bomb! Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 god i love alittle blackmail---oops that's illegal,i love when you got a ace in the hole. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyClover Posted May 13, 2009 Author Share Posted May 13, 2009 Hey guys....I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really missing my stbxw really bad right now...why does it have to continue to hurt even when I know it's over....I feel so weak..I am doing things for me...but there are moments like right now when I feel very lost and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
webmuse Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 believe me people she needs to go....I can't stand her being here.....she discust me when I see her, hear her, or even think of her. I want her out...and I would do anything to get her there. your answer, in your own words.. Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 Hey guys....I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really missing my stbxw really bad right now...why does it have to continue to hurt even when I know it's over....I feel so weak..I am doing things for me...but there are moments like right now when I feel very lost and alone. Normal stuff. Expect some post traumatic stress for quite a while. Counseling helps a bunch during the early stages. Anti anxiety pills work when it gets real bad. It's mostly a physical trait that happens when you go into defensive mode. Same as when a soldier is in a foxhole for days at a time. It's natural and it will pass. Give it time...a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 don't give in, time will heal all. you've got a great life ahead of you. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyClover Posted May 14, 2009 Author Share Posted May 14, 2009 You know I think I like being nice to my ex. Even though I know she would feed me to the sharks and take everything I've ever worked for away from me(even my kids) and make me suffer through life...I'm going to hurt regardless of how I treat her.......and when i'm nice to her...I don't escalate the anger that festers inside.....instead sometimes she can be nice back. I know it's over, I know she's not the same person I fell in love with, but sometimes I can't tell the difference....The only thing I know is that she is in Love with someone else and has traded me in like a broken toy from wal-mart. I never would have imagined the emotions one goes through when faced with such heartache and pain. Such confusion and lack of control. The up's and down's - all of it, in the end it really doesn't seem worth the fight. But I fought, and I fought well.....I didn't win her back, but I am winning. Affair fog? or True love? Only time will tell right?....the thing is, when I read others' threads, all that have been and are going through my same situation, it's like reading my own thread. So if others' experiances rein the same for me, then they're probably going to be the same for her....which can only mean...'true love' is going to be far fetched.....that what will really happen is unfortunate for us both, that she will regret her decision, and thats it....we both move on and find happiness with someone else. I think one of the biggest issues I will have coming out of this is of couse trust issues, but also commitment issues....(which is basically the same thing). It will be hard to trust others after being betrayed so close to home. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted May 14, 2009 Share Posted May 14, 2009 she is a different person Maybe it's time you show her a side of you she hasn't seen before. I'm not advocating anything crazy, but don't be afraid to get in touch with your inner sh*thead. In most situations, I would advocate restraint and moving on. If my girlfriend cheated on me, I'd be pissed but I could move on. If we eventually got married, didn't have kids and I found out she cheated, I could still probably move on. But if kids were involved, assets were involved...I wouldn't move on. I would fight to defend what I feel is mine -- and she'd better get the f*cking picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 your answer, in your own words.. believe me people she needs to go....I can't stand her being here.....she discust me when I see her, hear her, or even think of her. I want her out...and I would do anything to get her there. She was very controling wasn't she? Wouldn't let you get that Big screen LCD screen, huh? Well when the Hex- I mean the EX, is gone, get one, or two, or three! Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Lucky keep moving forward. Ex only wants to bring you back to her level. Be the better person. You will feel so good, when in 6 months to a year, her relationship with the OM goes to hell. When she comes waffling back with the "I made a big mistake, please take me back" speech you can tell her too bad so sad, that ship has sailed. My dear you made your bed, now you can sleep in it, ALONE. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuckyClover Posted May 15, 2009 Author Share Posted May 15, 2009 I know seibert....it's just hard....she put her deposit down on her apartment.....she acted like I was suppose to try and stop her....then because I wasn't enthused about the idea.....she snapped back that I was being mean....so...I left and played basketball with a bunch of friends....I never do that....I've always just stayed home with the family because that's what a good husband does....spends time with his family....Yeah, that didn't get me very far.....well.....at least I have a great relationship with my kids.....The thing that really bugs me is that the kids went to this new apartment and they're just so excited....what other 5 year old and 2 year old wouldn't be excited about something new, but this tears me up inside because now I'm afraid they're not going to want to live with me anymore...it breaks my heart that I have to share them.....They are my life.....I'm heartbroken! In 6 months to a year when she comes crawling back saying she made a mistake will just make me feel like shet all over again- I am not looking forward to this.....Payback is just not justice to me...this is a lose/lose situation....what else can I say....I am emotionally stronger - Yes, I have taken more control of my own life and the decisions I make - Yes....I even went out and bought a couple of chickens she would never let me have>....hehe. anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is I tried, she can't say that I didn't try.....I'm afraid she is going to have to live with that guilt for the rest of her life....I was willing to forgive, I was willing to try and forget, I was willing to trust her, love her, buy her gifts, clean the house, take care of the kids, get two jobs, and live a selfless life to show her true love and happiness.....I had only one request, one condition......all she had to do was.....quit her damn job! She said we couldn't afford it...well guess what....I am affording it! SO KISS MY ASS ASHLEE! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 good job... way to grow a pair of huevos! way to get some chickens too! find a few new egg recipes and make good use of the chickens and the eggs. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 15, 2009 Share Posted May 15, 2009 Lucky the only thing you can do now, is be the best father you can be for your children. They will love their mother, even though she's pond scum IMO, but they also love their father. Kids will always have plenty of love to go around. Just enjoy your time with them. There's plenty of parents out there who don't get that opportunity. Sounds like you're walking toward the anger stage. You deserve a little anger. Helps you to get over the pain. I don't know if you are into physical fitness, but channeling your anger/hurt into the gym is great. Plus there are always plenty of great looking women there. That will get your mind off things. Peace be with you my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
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