My Wife won't quit her job!

[wuggle]

Love isnt supposed to hurt!

 

Life isn't that simple, maybe it's not but sometimes it does.

 

I have taken her back. I never thought I would, but when it came down to it...I still love her.

 

Sort of knew you did , and did think there was still a chance that this might happen.

 

... Has she quit her job? No. Like I said before she's stuck in a 6 month lease... she hasn't moved back in either....(I kinda like it that way for a little while anyway). She has shown me letters that he writes to her and how he respects her decision to break up...bla bla bla bla bla bs. But whatever.....I don't care about that....

 

Have you discussed her leaving her job after the 6 month lease is up , have you discussed her moving back in ? - no judgments, but most of the other posters seem to see this as indicative of her not 'learning her lesson' or 'showing willing'. I know life often isn't that simple, if it was me I would like to see a 'desire' or 'willingness' to quit her job if it was possible without screwing you both up, what are her thoughts ?

 

 

My problem right now is how to heal and love someone again.....because the truth is guys is I am more scared of getting hurt again ....really love really hurts.... I hated it and I have become really good at numbing myself or putting up a brick wall.... I just need to tear down the wall but I think it's too soon.

 

Common sense says you need to be a bit protective, you have been hurt badly by this person and it's good that you are wary. But, remember when you were dating this person and you didn't know much about them ? you still gave it a chance and allowed yourself to fall a little. You need to find a bit of that. I'm not saying just forgive and forget, even I'm not that liberal, but even though you are still hurting you need to try to make some fun time for the two of you, try to re - date and get to know each other a little. Bear in mind that you are BOTH battered and bruised. You still love her , and she probably still loves you, you are just both hurting. Whilst deciding if you want to make another go of it or not you have to have moments where you are not just dwelling on the sh*t but some lighter moments like you would have had when you first met.

 

Whats funny is that the kids love that they have 2 homes. I'm sure it's because we aren't fighting....we haven't faught since we got back together either... the kids drive us crazy but that's usual...

 

Kids, go figure

 

also it's really hard not to make sly remarks when reminded of OM....things he said, songs they listen to, places they went, etc...etc...etc... I feel there will be no chance in hell for us if everytime a reminder pops up i make that reminder vocal....but ill tell you what, that is very hard to bite my tongue.

 

This I can relate to, but you have to keep trying to put it aside. You can learn to just 'box' these crap emotions up and deal with them later, when you get that feeling like you've been punched in the stomache, just fight it, put it to one side and don't say things in anger. These are the things that REALLY f*ck things up, the things that are said in ager

 

Seibert's got it right.

 

You're rewarding her when she hasn't truly changed her actions and behaviors.

 

She's still working there, and so still in contact with OM.

 

There's no way that you can trust her again while this is the case.

 

Taking her back too soon, before she's met your requirements, sets the stage for a lot of bad juju.

 

Sorry, whilst I REALLY respect OWL, I sometimes disagree with him, this is one of those times. Sometimes when you love someone you have to put the sh*t aside and try to trust someone even when they have done nothing to deserve it , just because you love them. It doesn't sound like you are 'rewarding' her.

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Whatever, you have one life, be tru to what feels right for you.

[Darth Vader]

You have to believe me when I say I went through the exact same thing. We tried to get back together. She was loving and compassionate(somewhat remorsful) when we were together and I thought I was happy too. But every morning she would get ready for work ( she didnt quit either, and he worked there) I would go crazy knowing she would see him. I was second guessing everything. I asked her to quit and end all contact. She said she would but kept putting it off. At one point she said she wasnt going to quit for a year. I was angry but she was with me so I didnt fight it so much. All are fighting during the time after the affair was based on her job and contact with him. Texts were still being sent all said to be "work related". Finally I said you quit and end contact or you have to go, shes gone now.

If your wife will not quit tommorrow morning, dont waste another day. Start protecting yourself and the kids for divorce. She will use the economy as her reasons for not quiting. But fact is if she quit and left her apt you would still be financially better off than divorced and with an apt. Her arguement is mute. I wish you the best. I have a feeling you are not happy with this and flip flopping everyday between trying to save it or divorce, shes flip flopping between two men and two different lifestyles.

 

 

He'll be back on here in less than 6 months, a year Max. Sad to see her dragging this man through the mud.

 

Don't waste your time with damaged goods.

[Nightmare]

Sorry, whilst I REALLY respect OWL, I sometimes disagree with him, this is one of those times. Sometimes when you love someone you have to put the sh*t aside and try to trust someone even when they have done nothing to deserve it , just because you love them. It doesn't sound like you are 'rewarding' her.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Whatever, you have one life, be tru to what feels right for you.

Its obvious he does love her, I dont doubt that. Only reason he is giving her a chance now

after what she did. The question is does she really love him? Hes willing to forgive her cheating, yet in return she wont quit her job......A F***ng JOB. I was in this situation. Fact is if everything was so great now and you werent questioning these isssues, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE RETURNED TO THIS THREAD. And the one thing you stated in your post is "she didnt quit her job. Which tells me its bothering you much like it did me. Good Luck but your at now what was the month of Feb 2009 for me. "Sorry this didnt post right"

[Chrome Barracuda]

Sorry, whilst I REALLY respect OWL, I sometimes disagree with him, this is one of those times. Sometimes when you love someone you have to put the sh*t aside and try to trust someone even when they have done nothing to deserve it , just because you love them. It doesn't sound like you are 'rewarding' her.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. Whatever, you have one life, be tru to what feels right for you.

Its obvious he does love her, I dont doubt that. Only reason he is giving her a chance now

after what she did. The question is does she really love him? Hes willing to forgive her cheating, yet in return she wont quit her job......A F***ng JOB. I was in this situation. Fact is if everything was so great now and you werent questioning these isssues, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE RETURNED TO THIS THREAD. And the one thing you stated in your post is "she didnt quit her job. Which tells me its bothering you much like it did me. Good Luck but your at now what was the month of Feb 2009 for me. "Sorry this didnt post right"

 

Do you know that this is the same job where she works with the same OM she had the affair with, the same OM she is possibly still having an emotional affair with?

 

Really, go back and read from the begining. This guy has tried to put his marriage back after she F-ed it up and now just now when he's finally about to move on, now she sees the light??

 

wTF. I think she's faking! and yes I dont think she's remorseful!

 

None at all! Women do that like when your fed up and about to leave over their BS, they lay act like they can be remorseful.

 

I truly think she's acting because look at her actions, she hasnt quit her job, she has no intention of fixing her marriage.

 

Mark my words this woman is a cake-eater.

[wuggle]

Do you know that this is the same job where she works with the same OM she had the affair with, the same OM she is possibly still having an emotional affair with?

 

Really, go back and read from the begining. This guy has tried to put his marriage back after she F-ed it up and now just now when he's finally about to move on, now she sees the light??

 

FULLY aware of the full history of this thread (read it many times). On his latest post LC says that she hasn't quit her job, he does not give us any indication whether this has been discussed and if she is willing to quit her job after the 6 months lease is up on the apartment. If she is willing , cool. Then they as a couple need to decide what is the best way forward, does she just quit outright and them possibly face financial hardship (which may or may not put extra starin on them as a couple , I don't know their finances) or does she try desperately to get another job whilst still working with the person she had the affair with (which may put extra emotional strain on the marriage)

 

LC does indicate (but not 100% sure) that she has already ceased the affair with the OM.

 

wTF. I think she's faking! and yes I dont think she's remorseful!

 

None at all! Women do that like when your fed up and about to leave over their BS, they lay act like they can be remorseful.

 

I truly think she's acting because look at her actions, she hasnt quit her job, she has no intention of fixing her marriage.

 

Mark my words this woman is a cake-eater.

 

She may or may not be a cake eater\remorseful, I don't think LC has given us enough information to make this conslusion just yet. If she has quit the affair and is remorseful then it's up to LC to see if he can forgive her. Before we can jump to conslusions I think LC needs to tell us a bit more.

[whichwayisup]

Alright guys....it's happen sooner then I thought....We've been separated for 2 weeks now and she is already in regret and is asking if i would give her another chance..... She even said she would quit her job. What should I do?????? She's in a 6 month lease where she's at, so it will be 6 months before anything anyway. I don't know what to do...should I tell her to F off or should I let her back in?????? UGH!!!

 

Tell her once she actually quits and leaves her job, then you two can work on things. Until she does this, life is the way it is..

[Nightmare]

Cake eater is right! She is not willing to quit but wants to try with you because she is probably not getting the guarantee from the OM to a longterm relationship. She is also not sure if you will accept her back 100% or if she really wants to stay with you, meaning she doesnt want to quit her job and then a month down the road you dump her.Or if the otherman wants her in a serious relationship she probably would prefer to keep working at the job with him. Those are the reasons I took from my wifes rational. Shes probably telling you the phrase " I dont know what I want". Your point of view im sure , as was mine, is that she screwed up, she made the mistakes, and whats important NOW is the family and fixing it. Anything as far as jobs, leases, and contact from the otherman need to be walked away from today. How can the two of you work on your marriage when your not living like married people. Ive tried these same things your doing now, heard the same things with the job and the apartment. She is not letting go. You will have a day where you see something like a text come through from the OM or find out she sent him one and you will see its not over and realize shes playing both sides. I bet money that she wants to be with this other guy now, but shes starting to see what shes losing and is trying to have it all. If the OM is married and leaves his wife or single and tells your wife he wants to be with her, she will walk out again.Understand that her quiting the job and walking from the lease should not be looked at from her point of view as financial issues. It should be looked at as her proving to you that she F'd up and is going to do whatever it takes to make you comfortable.

[Nightmare]

Also has she made an effort to even find another job. I bet she hasnt sent out one resume as of yet. Mine didnt. I would say to her " did you look for a job today". She would reply " I looked online but theres nothing I like out there". Then I got the excuses she has to make a resume which never happened either. If financially it makes that much of a difference that she has to keep working there now to survive, SHE SHOULD BE SPENDING ALL HER FREE TIME LOOKING FOR A JOB. Have you seen her doing this (and dont take her word for it, you should actually see it).

[LuckyClover]

It's over...I shut it down...trying to work it out was fake...and I knew it was only a matter of time before she did it again...now I'm just trying to get through these feelings of loneliness

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's over...I shut it down...trying to work it out was fake...and I knew it was only a matter of time before she did it again...now I'm just trying to get through these feelings of loneliness

 

WTF? what happened what went wrong???

 

I wish you well clover! you deserve it!

[Nightmare]

It's over...I shut it down...trying to work it out was fake...and I knew it was only a matter of time before she did it again...now I'm just trying to get through these feelings of loneliness

Sorry for what your going through. It takes time. And it wont help as she will continue to play games with you to try to keep you on the back burner. Good luck, Im still dealing with it to on a daily basis still. I just look at it as there is someone out that Im supposed to be with and its not her.

[LuckyClover]

I know what you're saying nightmare. Even today she is still trying to get in somehow and I do the same thing 'just keep telling myself there is someone out there for me and it is not her' It's definitly hard....It's really over but I don't think she has accepted that...she will...that I'm sure of..time heals all......She will live with that guilt for the rest of her life....terrible, terrible situation...what a f'in idot... I love that the kids love to hang out with their dad and are constantly calling for me when they are with her....sweet feelings of revenge..

[Darth Vader]

I know what you're saying nightmare. Even today she is still trying to get in somehow and I do the same thing 'just keep telling myself there is someone out there for me and it is not her' It's definitly hard....It's really over but I don't think she has accepted that...she will...that I'm sure of..time heals all......She will live with that guilt for the rest of her life....terrible, terrible situation...what a f'in idot... I love that the kids love to hang out with their dad and are constantly calling for me when they are with her....sweet feelings of revenge..

 

 

Hang strong! Don't give in to her and just keep Movin on! There's a saying about Payback, well you get the idea!

 

It seems to me the children know more than what they're supposed to, I know they are smarter than what most adults will give them credit for, I'm sure they've seen something wrong with this picture, and it's not with Dad!

[LuckyClover]

Just thought I would touch base and let everyone know how things are. The kids are okay, for now I think they like the idea of having two houses with two of everything. My ex has been so wishy washy since my last post....she's funny, she'll tell me that she is regretting everything and that she just wants everything to go back to the way it was before....then.....she's sleeping with the OM that night. lol what a joke. She must think I'm stupid...don't get me wrong the pain still exists, but its getting much much easier Sometimes I just grab a bottle of booze and pass out, wake up in the morning, go to work, and just forget about the hard times... I've met a couple of girls and have had some fun..but not really what I'm looking for.... oh well, I'm definitly enjoying my new found freedom..

[lkjh]

Good to see that everything is going ok. Did you ever contact your wifes hr department.

[SRV]

LC, this too shall pass, pardon the cliche, if it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger. Good luck, you deserve it.

[LuckyClover]

This is the best thing that has ever happen to me!!!!!! I've met someone! It too may end in disaster, but who cares....honestly I thought I loved my ex... I'm here to tell you that I have never been in love in my life, until now. This is the most amazing feeling in the world! It's indescibeable, I mean.... This girl is everything my wife never was, plus. When you can fall asleep face touching face breathing in every breathe she makes and vice versa, you know something is there..... believe me I never thought there was someone in this world that could make me feel like I was in a fairy tale until now.

 

My ex on the other hand...well...haha she hates that I don't give a damn about her and that I want nothing to do with her. She doesn't interest me in the slightest. We still are civil for the kids, but...other then that...poof be gone. I realized that everytime she acted like she wanted me back wasn't because she wanted me back, it was because she wanted me to want her!!!!!! what else should i have expected from such a selfish person!

[2.50 a gallon]

Another, "The best thing that ever happened to me"

 

Congrats

 

Enjoy

[RegrettingtheAffair]

I find myself in the same situation as your wife. I too had an affair with a guy that works with me. We have very little dealings as I am in the office and he is a site worker. To call it an affair is a broad statement but it is what it is. My "affair" began and ended in 6 weeks. It ended because we both knew we were in over our heads and I did not want to hurt my family like I was doing. I have an eight year old daughter and a six year old son. My H wants me to quit my job as well before we move forward. I am having uncertainties about that because 6 days after the "affair" was revealed he had seperation papers drawn up. In the agreement of sepearation I walked away from all of our assets. I left him very financially secure. My H asked me to do this to prove to him that I was in this for him and to prove that I wanted our marriage not our finanical security. I lived a very comfortable life with him in the material aspect of things (which did not truly make me happy). So I signed the agreement with little apprehension because I am truly regretful for the hurt and pain that I have caused. After I signed it he asked me to move out. So I did. We are now living seperatley and sharing access with the children. He works out of the country for extended period of time so I end up with the kids more than him. I want to work on our marriage and be a family but right now my job security is all I have because we are already living separatley. I have told him that I would look for something else once we reconcile and are living toegther again. To his apprehension, we don't get back until I have found and another job. I understand his insecurities, I do. But I am also insecure now that all I have left is my job and I need it because I am not recieving any child support. I have a good job in a managment position, it's the owners then me. I have to be able to support my children if things between my H and I don't work out. My H wants me and I want him. Oh did I mention another limitation if we reconcile, he wants an agreement drawn to show that I am not included in the matrionial home until the children are 18 and none of the finances until then either. His money will be his and my money will be mine.

 

I am so confused. I want my marriage to work, but I am afraid to give up my job (where I probably only see the OM, once or twice a week). The affair is over with NO contact for 8 weeks now. I am doing all I can to show that it's over. I have given him all passwords to my emails accounts and phone logs. I just want to keep my job and he thinks that keeping it having my cake and eating it too. I think we are over. I am so sad. I wish that I never done what I done. My heart is broken that I could have done this to us.

 

So sad, I am hurting for him so bad.

[PWSX3]

I find myself in the same situation as your wife. I too had an affair with a guy that works with me. We have very little dealings as I am in the office and he is a site worker. To call it an affair is a broad statement but it is what it is. My "affair" began and ended in 6 weeks. It ended because we both knew we were in over our heads and I did not want to hurt my family like I was doing. I have an eight year old daughter and a six year old son. My H wants me to quit my job as well before we move forward. I am having uncertainties about that because 6 days after the "affair" was revealed he had seperation papers drawn up. In the agreement of sepearation I walked away from all of our assets. I left him very financially secure. My H asked me to do this to prove to him that I was in this for him and to prove that I wanted our marriage not our finanical security. I lived a very comfortable life with him in the material aspect of things (which did not truly make me happy). So I signed the agreement with little apprehension because I am truly regretful for the hurt and pain that I have caused. After I signed it he asked me to move out. So I did. We are now living seperatley and sharing access with the children. He works out of the country for extended period of time so I end up with the kids more than him. I want to work on our marriage and be a family but right now my job security is all I have because we are already living separatley. I have told him that I would look for something else once we reconcile and are living toegther again. To his apprehension, we don't get back until I have found and another job. I understand his insecurities, I do. But I am also insecure now that all I have left is my job and I need it because I am not recieving any child support. I have a good job in a managment position, it's the owners then me. I have to be able to support my children if things between my H and I don't work out. My H wants me and I want him. Oh did I mention another limitation if we reconcile, he wants an agreement drawn to show that I am not included in the matrionial home until the children are 18 and none of the finances until then either. His money will be his and my money will be mine.

 

I am so confused. I want my marriage to work, but I am afraid to give up my job (where I probably only see the OM, once or twice a week). The affair is over with NO contact for 8 weeks now. I am doing all I can to show that it's over. I have given him all passwords to my emails accounts and phone logs. I just want to keep my job and he thinks that keeping it having my cake and eating it too. I think we are over. I am so sad. I wish that I never done what I done. My heart is broken that I could have done this to us.

 

So sad, I am hurting for him so bad.

I am very sorry, your story I feel is very complicated.

 

I also had an affair many years ago & what I've learned is you need to break off all contact with the other person, which would mean you would need to quit your job.

 

I do understand if things don't go well then you would be out of a job and you do need to support you & your kids.

 

Have you thought of maybe doing other things to show your H you are serious such as IC, classes, small groups for this type of stuff, etc....

 

My marriage didn't last, my former wife moved out then filed for divorce and because of that I started looking at what I could do for me & getting back into church & classes that they offered was what "I" needed so I do believe they have helped & they would help others.

 

I also believe it will be hard for you with him not being around much, not being able to do the work it will take to get that trust back......

 

I do wish you the best, even though my marriage didn't work I still believe people need to do whatever to make it work....

[RegrettingtheAffair]

Thanks for your reply. I can't picture my life without my H. With that said I don't know if I can go back with those restrictions, I'd go back now if I didn't have to leave my job and it has nothing to do with the, OM - he's dead to me. I will agree to be transparent and stay transparent to gain my H trust. I would look for something else while we are working on things. We have been in MC and have done 4 sessions. I hope things work out.

[PWSX3]

We have been in MC and have done 4 sessions. I hope things work out.

It takes a lot more then 4 sessions. I heard 6-8 months is a good start.

 

There is a lot of pain that he is going thru & needs to work on as well. What you had is over, now he has to realize from now it's starting over.

[lkjh]

Thanks for your reply. I can't picture my life without my H. With that said I don't know if I can go back with those restrictions, I'd go back now if I didn't have to leave my job and it has nothing to do with the, OM - he's dead to me. I will agree to be transparent and stay transparent to gain my H trust. I would look for something else while we are working on things. We have been in MC and have done 4 sessions. I hope things work out.

 

Your kidding right? You want to keep the job where you only see the OM twice a week. You let another guy inside of you and you will really have to work to get your family back. 4 sessions is not work. You need to change your attitude, if you really want your family. I don't think you get what exactly you did, sex with another man isn't something that your H is just gonna get over. Think about your children and not yourself. Also, you are deluding yourself if you honestly believe you can go nc while working with the guy.

[RegrettingtheAffair]

No I am not kidding and I know exactly what I done. I am thinking of my children and not myself which is exactly my point. We are already legally seperated with no child support. We are sharing access with the children. If i do this and quit my job, I have no income to support my kids. This OM is far removed from me at work. Our A didn't begin at work it was facebook. We only saw each other because we wanted to. I know that I have to find something else in order for my H to move on. It's a difficult realization.

[Chrome Barracuda]

No I am not kidding and I know exactly what I done. I am thinking of my children and not myself which is exactly my point. We are already legally seperated with no child support. We are sharing access with the children. If i do this and quit my job, I have no income to support my kids. This OM is far removed from me at work. Our A didn't begin at work it was facebook. We only saw each other because we wanted to. I know that I have to find something else in order for my H to move on. It's a difficult realization.

 

Sounds to me like your minimizing your actions, the more you wait and procrasinate, your husband is just gonna get frustrated and move on. He is seperated because you refuse to do what is neccessary. and why should he have to pay child support it should be 50/50. I dont get that crap, a woman cheats and the man has to pay for it? for what?

 

Your inaction is only gonna make things worse. Stop making little justifications. You can find another job. And it doesnt matter if your affair started on facebook, you allowed it to happen. period!

 

Have you turned over the emails, gave him your passwords, been transparent, You need to make it up to him and court him, if you want him back. Plan A.

 

Your procrasinating is only making it worse.