My Wife won't quit her job!

[Liquid]

Nope...no Sex....won't untill she's tested....made that one clear...She's still insistant she hasn't talk with him since Friday and that she has been honest since thursday, since counceler. But I have not seen any actually(extra effort) to show me she wants to be with me, except she's nice to me now, not so ruthless.....I want to believe.

 

She lied to you again and again, didnt' she? She cheated, didn't she? Why is this time different?

 

Sometimes, I think some betrayed spouse are so in denial. Deep down, you know they has been or will be at it again. If they work together, all they need is 30 minutes lunch time and a nearby motel. If not all the way, all they need is 10 mintutes for some romance kissing at any restaurant nearby, including Burger King and McDonald's.

[LuckyClover]

Got into another argument tonight about real effort or evidence of real intent to build trust and making our marriage work. I don't know why I even love her anymore...but deep down I just do. She doesn't understand me...She said she knows that physical touch is my love language and because I'm not getting any of anything, no scratch of the back, no holding hands, no anything...that that is why I'm not feeling loved by her right now. The truth is I'm just insecure about or marriage and need assurance...why can't she see that...I can care less about sex right now. I told her what I need to see is remoarse, I need her to at least say sorry, I need her to ask me what she needs to do to make it work and do it. And now, I feel like the selfish one....why can't I just shut up, be a good man, and hope for the best(have faith). I can answer my own question, because history repeats itself right?....you're right, I can not find one instance where the marriage or any relationship has worked out in the end, when the OM is still available. I found music CD's in her car yesturday. I almost threw them out the window, but didn't. I did take them out of the Disc changer though and set them in a cubbie. She asked me today why I took her CD's out of the changer....I reply..."Honestly, because I didn't want to hear the songs that remind you of him" I told her that everywhere I look and everything intimate has been destroyed because of this OM. That he has embeded himself in e-mail, text, music, books, sex, religion. What's left for us to grow on....everything will fill like a copy cat or a comparison....That's what she doesn't realize. If she was to accept me and submit to the conditions of finding another job and throwing out anything that has anything to do with him.....how then could we make it work....what intimacy is there left that I can introduce to her that would spark some kind of originality?

[seibert253]

Got into another argument tonight about real effort or evidence of real intent to build trust and making our marriage work. I don't know why I even love her anymore...but deep down I just do. She doesn't understand me...She said she knows that physical touch is my love language and because I'm not getting any of anything, no scratch of the back, no holding hands, no anything...that that is why I'm not feeling loved by her right now. The truth is I'm just insecure about or marriage and need assurance...why can't she see that...I can care less about sex right now. I told her what I need to see is remoarse, I need her to at least say sorry, I need her to ask me what she needs to do to make it work and do it. And now, I feel like the selfish one....why can't I just shut up, be a good man, and hope for the best(have faith). I can answer my own question, because history repeats itself right?....you're right, I can not find one instance where the marriage or any relationship has worked out in the end, when the OM is still available. I found music CD's in her car yesturday. I almost threw them out the window, but didn't. I did take them out of the Disc changer though and set them in a cubbie. She asked me today why I took her CD's out of the changer....I reply..."Honestly, because I didn't want to hear the songs that remind you of him" I told her that everywhere I look and everything intimate has been destroyed because of this OM. That he has embeded himself in e-mail, text, music, books, sex, religion. What's left for us to grow on....everything will fill like a copy cat or a comparison....That's what she doesn't realize. If she was to accept me and submit to the conditions of finding another job and throwing out anything that has anything to do with him.....how then could we make it work....what intimacy is there left that I can introduce to her that would spark some kind of originality?

 

You cannot be loving and "be the best husband ever", and hope she will come around and start loving you again. THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN.

You need to stop grovelling and being nice. You are fighting for your marriage and all's fair in love and war.

Right now your wife is still in the affair fog, the only thing that will snap her out of it is getting hit upside the head with the 2X4 of reality.

Start the 180 RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! If you're not familar with it, read up on it here.

You need to be specfic and lay out the conditions for you and her to remain married:

1. She WILL quit her job, (give her time to find a new one if you are financially strapped)

2. She is to call the OM and tell him not to contact her anymore. (make her do this in front of you)

3. She must be completely transparent, give you access to all emails, cellphone, etc.

4. MC and IC for both of you.

These are not open for negotiation. Tell her if she does not agree, then she moves out. She's the one who's walking out of your marriage, she's the one who leaves, not you.

If she doesn't agree to the above, or moves out, consult with an attorney and have D papers prepared.

YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF because right now you're a doormat and she's walking all over you. She does not have the control over whether this marriage continues, you do. It's time for you to take back this control.

I know right now you're hurting and confused, but it's time to get angry and fight.

Good Luck and God bless

[2sure]

You dont want to hurt her.

You dont want her to be fired from her job.

You dont want to offend the OM.

"Adultery is a misdemenor" -WHERE? In most states, adultery is no longer even considered during divorce proceedings.

 

Unless she is the victim of her own consequences - nothing will change.

You dont have do it to hurt her - thats not the reason.

You take action to save your marriage.

[LuckyClover]

You're right.....the 180 has to be there....I plan to present the final 180 tuesday in front of a counceler...she knows how I feel and what I know to be the only way for this marriage to work...right now she thinks she can somehow have her cake and eat it too. I will not be a doormat any longer(after tuesday) I hate that she has to quit her job..it's a great job too, good income, i'm very upset she got herself intangled in this mess. Very selfish of her. Affair fog is a dense fog isn't it. I know she's starting to see that I won't be used as a doormat for much longer. But she is a very strong willed person and may harden her heart that much more in face of oppisition.....she's been trying to play the victium lately. She's confused she says....she really thinks that she can continue to work there and never allow herself to get intangled in this mess again. She can't understand why I can't trust her...can you believe that? She just wants me to take her word for it and because we are seeing a counceler that that will be enough to help us get connected (if it's meant to be). She still doesn't understand that love is not something that just comes along and lines itself up with the stars.....that it's a choice first on who you will love and a journey of mutual intimate expierances that create a long lasting love. She needs to choose to love me and choose to allow herself to be loved by me....she has to find another job.

[seibert253]

You're right.....the 180 has to be there....I plan to present the final 180 tuesday in front of a counceler...she knows how I feel and what I know to be the only way for this marriage to work...right now she thinks she can somehow have her cake and eat it too. I will not be a doormat any longer(after tuesday) I hate that she has to quit her job..it's a great job too, good income, i'm very upset she got herself intangled in this mess. Very selfish of her. Affair fog is a dense fog isn't it. I know she's starting to see that I won't be used as a doormat for much longer. But she is a very strong willed person and may harden her heart that much more in face of oppisition.....she's been trying to play the victium lately. She's confused she says....she really thinks that she can continue to work there and never allow herself to get intangled in this mess again. She can't understand why I can't trust her...can you believe that? She just wants me to take her word for it and because we are seeing a counceler that that will be enough to help us get connected (if it's meant to be). She still doesn't understand that love is not something that just comes along and lines itself up with the stars.....that it's a choice first on who you will love and a journey of mutual intimate expierances that create a long lasting love. She needs to choose to love me and choose to allow herself to be loved by me....she has to find another job.

 

Bravo Lucky. I think you've got it. Best of Luck to you.

[TrustInYourself]

I think you're on the right path. You know what's right for you. Do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. Believe in what you feel is right, because you have the moral high ground.

 

No one ever changes, unless there are consequences. Sometimes you can create consequences, with limited results. Real change will come when people are forced to face the consequences of their own decisions. That's what makes this situation so tricky.

[anne1707]

My story: I had an affair with a work colleague which ended last Summer but I still work with the ex-OM. My H and I have been through MC (and I have done IC). We are on the right path and it is getting better day by day - especially in the last few months.

 

The fact that I still work with the ex-OM though is still very much in the way of the healing process. My H and I agreed that it was not going to help our situation for me to quit my job (reasons included finance plus future career opportunities as I have a senior role in my company which is a specialised area. People are known in the various companies across this sector - to quit would have given me the reputation as unemployable). I am however looking for a job though at my level they come up only once every 4/5 months at best even when the economic climate is good.

 

 

As for the impact on my H and I:

• My H hates it every day that I go to work.
  
• He hates that I see the ex-OM every day
  
• He hates that I have to talk to the ex-OM
  
• To be honest, it slowed down my recovery from the affair - seeing that ***** every day is a constant reminder of my stupidity
  
• It annoys us both that the ex-OM is more than happy not to look for another job - he thinks it is fine for us to work together
  
• The ex-OM is seeing someone (who I am sure does not know about me) - but even this week he was looking me up and down, getting an eyeful
  
• I now do not say anyting to the ex-OM about his behaviour like the looks he gives me. I do not want to give him the satisfaction that he has got to me in some way
  
• I never talk about personal issues with the ex-OM - it is all work related conversation
  
• My H drops me off at work and picks me up too most days - whilst he may still question my actions between those hours, he has a clearer idea of my whereabouts than he would do if this did not happen
  
• We make a point of meeting for lunch now and my H will come to my office - he loves seeing the ex-OM squirm
  
• If my H has his way, when I finally get another job and leave, the ex-OM will finally feel his wrath
  

So what am I trying to say? Yes, a marriage can recover whilst the WS still works with the person they had an affair with but it is extremely hard and the only reason my H can tolerate this situation is because he knows I am looking for another job and hate working there as much as he does. Your wife needs to commit to your marriage and she cannot do that unless she also commits to looking for another job. If she starts looking (and means it) then it is possible to recover.

[Chrome Barracuda]

My story: I had an affair with a work colleague which ended last Summer but I still work with the ex-OM. My H and I have been through MC (and I have done IC). We are on the right path and it is getting better day by day - especially in the last few months.

 

The fact that I still work with the ex-OM though is still very much in the way of the healing process. My H and I agreed that it was not going to help our situation for me to quit my job (reasons included finance plus future career opportunities as I have a senior role in my company which is a specialised area. People are known in the various companies across this sector - to quit would have given me the reputation as unemployable). I am however looking for a job though at my level they come up only once every 4/5 months at best even when the economic climate is good.

 

 

As for the impact on my H and I:

• My H hates it every day that I go to work.
  
• He hates that I see the ex-OM every day
  
• He hates that I have to talk to the ex-OM
  
• To be honest, it slowed down my recovery from the affair - seeing that ***** every day is a constant reminder of my stupidity
  
• It annoys us both that the ex-OM is more than happy not to look for another job - he thinks it is fine for us to work together
  
• The ex-OM is seeing someone (who I am sure does not know about me) - but even this week he was looking me up and down, getting an eyeful
  
• I now do not say anyting to the ex-OM about his behaviour like the looks he gives me. I do not want to give him the satisfaction that he has got to me in some way
  
• I never talk about personal issues with the ex-OM - it is all work related conversation
  
• My H drops me off at work and picks me up too most days - whilst he may still question my actions between those hours, he has a clearer idea of my whereabouts than he would do if this did not happen
  
• We make a point of meeting for lunch now and my H will come to my office - he loves seeing the ex-OM squirm
  
• If my H has his way, when I finally get another job and leave, the ex-OM will finally feel his wrath
  

So what am I trying to say? Yes, a marriage can recover whilst the WS still works with the person they had an affair with but it is extremely hard and the only reason my H can tolerate this situation is because he knows I am looking for another job and hate working there as much as he does. Your wife needs to commit to your marriage and she cannot do that unless she also commits to looking for another job. If she starts looking (and means it) then it is possible to recover.

 

And that's the difference Anne. You are actively changing things and is remorseful enough to gain a sliver of your husband's trust back...

 

...she is not.

 

So what does he do? I think he should plan on divorcing her anyways. If the shoe was on the other foot im sure she would have been irate for him to work in the same office and interact with the OW, daily! how would she trust him, she couldnt'. Period.

 

Can you believe she said trust me, you have my word? WTF her word dont mean jack ****!

[anne1707]

Can you believe she said trust me, you have my word? WTF her word dont mean jack ****!

 

 

I do not expect my H to trust me. Why on earth should he? But I do all I can to show him that he can trust me. I have had enough with all the lies and mess of an affair. I want my H and our marriage.

[imagine]

LuckyC,

 

You must break up her contact. Gather your evidence and show it to her boss. You have communicated your displeasure. Expose. Do not tell her what you are going to do. Take control.

 

You are being disrespected.

 

Woman don't like wimps. Stop acting like one.

[wuggle]

Pick 100 stories/posts from this board, I guanteed that you won't find one of them that includes the wayward spouse still in touch/work with the affair partner and the affair ends on its own. Not ONE!

 

Erm, Me !

 

LuckyClover, I understand where your head is at, trust me. So let's clear a few things up. You are the victim here, she had the affair, not you. Do NOT doubt yourself no matter how much she twists things. You may not have been the perfect husband (but you might have been I dont know), it doesn't matter at this stage.

 

If your marriage was sh*t it was her responsibility to talk to you and make it better, just as much as yours. She had NO right to have an affair.

 

You are totally justified in being angry. You would be justified in smashing the OMs face in, make him loose his job and anything else that is dear to him.

 

I get that you still love her, even though she has sh*t on you. I get that you are feeling insecure and can see you life possily being torn to shreds, loosing the woman you love (still) , loosing your house, kids etc. However it is important for you to realise that your life can (and probably will after a brief period of crap) be ok if you leave her. If you are going to stay please do NOT do this out of fear. If you stay with her you are going to have to work through so much crap that if you are just staying because you fear the alternative life then dont, It really wouldn't be worth it.

 

I think you are right on the cake eater thing, I have heard the phrase 'Affair Fog' mentioned a lot of times but I think it is possible to have a 'Post Affair Fog' as well where the cheater does not accept the consequences for their affair, She is confused why you wont trust her, why should she leave her job? how will that help ? how dare you insist on that !

 

I know you want to believe her and trust her but It sounds to me like you cannot. Until she shows deep remorse, offers to leave her job and do whatever else needs to be done to save your marriage, this is very unlikely to work.

 

Do not put up with a crap marriage by denying the truth, brushing it under the carpet and pretending that she really loves you and you have an OK life. That will just be a waste of a life, you will loose all self respect and she will never respect you either. Rather than do that and drag out the pain, face it now and try to get on with the rest of your life.

 

If there is no sign of remorse or an offer to leave her job, if there is no sign to you that this is coming soon, I would advise you to split. At least for a while, maybe then the full consequences will be apparent to her and she will show some remorse, maybe you could salvage somethng after that. Until she accepts her part in this I don't see any good way of staying together.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you well and feel for you.

[Heroic]

If you don't take charge of this she will leave you later.

 

If she leaves you now because you take charge you're better off.

 

Either way time to man up. Draw your lines. Show the boss, show his family, and show your wife your marriage is priority not her money.

 

If she runs it wouldn't have worked anyway.

[lkjh]

No offense but she won't respect you till you man up. You don't have to wait till Tuesday, do it now.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

If my H has his way, when I finally get another job and leave, the ex-OM will finally feel his wrath

 

Well if your H has all this wrath just waiting to unleash it to the OM...what about his wrath towards you? You are the one that directly betrayed him.

 

don't misunderstand, his anger at the OM is definitely justified...but he should be more furious with you. So anything he plans with regards to the other man, he ought to have a similar plan for you, if not moreso

 

 

So what am I trying to say? Yes, a marriage can recover whilst the WS still works with the person they had an affair with

 

No, it doesn't. maybe for you in your mind and thats the way the marriage may look to you on the surface. But I can guarantee you that all is not well deep down inside with your husband.

 

If he has to drive you to work, pick you up, meet you at work for lunch just to make sure you are on the straight and narrow like a prison warden, sorry...thats not recovery. What kind of life is it for your husband that he has been reduced to having to do this?

 

I guarantee you, that is NOT recovery. Your husband is reeling inside even if he tries to bottle it up and not let it show.

 

And this will continue for him as long as you are in ANY kind of contact with the OM.

So good luck with your job hunt.

[wuggle]

Well if your H has all this wrath just waiting to unleash it to the OM...what about his wrath towards you? You are the one that directly betrayed him. don't misunderstand, his anger at the OM is definitely justified...but he should be more furious with you. So anything he plans with regards to the other man, he ought to have a similar plan for you, if not moreso

 

I think he is particularly angry with the OM as he is a smug little ba**ard who has not yet had to suffer any consequences of his actions, I think he has mostly forgiven his wife because she as at least has shown huge amounts of remorse and is desperately seeking to get a job elsewhere. I think he has no plans for revenge against her, but may have (and would be totally justified in having) plans to make the OM see at least some of the consequences of sleeping with another man's wife.

 

No, it doesn't. maybe for you in your mind and thats the way the marriage may look to you on the surface. But I can guarantee you that all is not well deep down inside with your husband.

 

I think you are completely wrong dexter. I think her husband is a very advanced individual with excellent anger management capabilities, who is able to look at a situation for what it is and strip away any irrelevant emotion. I think he is able to see that the WS is trying her best and is willing to work with her to fix the underlying issues that may have led to the affair in the first place in the hope of making the marriage what it should be.

 

If he has to drive you to work, pick you up, meet you at work for lunch just to make sure you are on the straight and narrow like a prison warden, sorry...thats not recovery. What kind of life is it for your husband that he has been reduced to having to do this?

I guarantee you, that is NOT recovery. Your husband is reeling inside even if he tries to bottle it up and not let it show..

 

Again I think you are mostly wrong Dexter, Anne does not say that her husband 'has' to drive her to work every day to keep track of her. I think she is implying that she is sort of encouraging this as much for her benefit as the husbands, so that she can feel more confident that she is being as open and honest as possible. As stated earlier I'm sure the husband does not feel that he has been 'reduced' to this, but rather he encourages it because it makes both partners feel a bit closer. I partially agree that the husband is 'reeling' inside, but only occasionally. Most of the time he is very happy, and positive that the marriage is getting better. I'm sure he does occasionally 'reel' when he sees the OM and realises that for the sake of all concerned he must 'bide his time' before he is allowed to wipe the smug little grin off his face.

 

And this will continue for him as long as you are in ANY kind of contact with the OM.

So good luck with your job hunt.

 

Agreed.

 

And back to the OP, this situation is different from the OP in that the WS has at least acknowledge the misdooing and is remorseful and at least 'prepared' to quit her job, even if this meant poverty for the couple. Until the wife of the OP does this I do not sadly feel he can move on.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think you are completely wrong dexter. I think her husband is a very advanced individual with excellent anger management capabilities, who is able to look at a situation for what it is and strip away any irrelevant emotion.

 

Not saying he doesn't exhibit those qualities. But if I'm so way off base....why does her husband feel the need to drop her off, pick her up to make sure she isn't canoodling with the OM? thats not recovery....not yet.

And just because he is cool calm and collected, doesn't mean he is reeling on the inside.

 

 

I think he is able to see that the WS is trying her best and is willing to work with her to fix the underlying issues that may have led to the affair in the first place in the hope of making the marriage what it should be.

 

 

That being the case, he can stop watching over her.

 

 

Again I think you are mostly wrong Dexter, Anne does not say that her husband 'has' to drive her to work every day to keep track of her. I think she is implying that she is sort of encouraging this as much for her benefit as the husbands

 

I didn't read that anywhere. And in any case, if the marriage is recovered...there is no need for the surveillance.(for lack of a better word)

 

 

I partially agree that the husband is 'reeling' inside, but only occasionally.

 

And that was my point...even if only occasionally....that is NOT recovery. recovery is where you are no longer in pain or "reeling" over what happened.

 

Will it recover, sure it can. But she said that her marriage recovered and marriages can recover with the WS still being in contact with the OM...I am saying that it isn't so as long as she is still working with the OM.

 

 

Most of the time he is very happy, and positive that the marriage is getting better.

 

getting better it may be...but not in recovery.

 

The cheating is a knife in his chest. Recovery would be the knife is gone and the wound has healed, only leaving a scar.

 

With her still working with the OM, the knife is still in there not allowing the wound to close.....hence, no recovery.......yet.

 

Even so, the scar remains after recovery has happened and will serve as a reminder to him...and should to her moreso.

[wuggle]

Not saying he doesn't exhibit those qualities. But if I'm so way off base....why does her husband feel the need to drop her off, pick her up to make sure she isn't canoodling with the OM? thats not recovery....not yet..

 

I don't think he does feel the need. Strangely he trusts her quite a lot, and the request to drop her off and pick her up from work seems to have stemmed from her rather than him. I think she feels that by requesting this she is displaying a higher level of openness which she feels will help them both get through this period untill she manages to find another job.

 

And just because he is cool calm and collected, doesn't mean he is reeling on the inside...

 

No, I don't think he is. I think he uses 'tools' that he has learnt to help him manage his thoughts and emotions.

 

One tool, particularly helpful in the times of highest stress, is the temporary 'boxing' of an emotion. By this I mean, when you hear something that really punches you in the gut, rather than respond there and then, out of pure emotion, and say things, often nasty things that you don't really mean, you 'box' (or in your langauge bottle-up) the thought and emotion. This generally would be a very bad thing, unless you make a deliberate effort of will to open the box and look at these issues that you have had to store and deal with them when you have cool, quite, times. Most damage is IMO done in these high times of stress when people 'react' out of pure hatred and fear and lash out at the offender.

 

Another useful tool is to actually look at a situation and try to seperate the emotion attached to that situation and look at it logically and calmly. The husband in this situation has looked at the situation, he realises that his wife is deeply remorseful, is willing (if needed) to give up this job but has tried to look at the situation a little more maturely. He has decided that if the wife leaves the job, this will be a token gesture which will take her away from the OM, however it will also halve their income, and force them to lose their home and the lifestyle they have. This wouldn't be so bad and he would ordinarily agree that this is the best thing to do, he does agree that NC is the best way, but he has reasoned , why ?, until the underlying problems with the marriage have been sorted out, and he does trust his wife when she says that there is no possibility of the affair starting up again, why would he insist of this token gesture which may do more damage than good to the relationship. The important thing is the willingness of the wife to give up this job if asked. I think he feels secure that if he told his wife that the only way forward was for her to do this, she would. That and the obvious remorse is enough.

 

That being the case, he can stop watching over her.

 

As stated earlier he doesn't feel that this is in any way watching over her, he does it because they both feel it fosters openness, if she wanted this to stop he wouldn't have a problem with that.

 

 

I didn't read that anywhere. And in any case, if the marriage is recovered...there is no need for the surveillance.(for lack of a better word)

 

I think Anne said that the marriage is recovering not recovered. I think that recovery is a very gradual slow process, I'm not even sure there is such a thing as totally recovered (from anything that happens to us in life).

 

I'm sure they will continue to recover, despite the hinderances.

 

Dexter apologies for the argumentative responses, I'm hoping that they may help the OP a little, at least in understanding a similar situation, but one in which the wife has acknowleged the wrong and is prepared to make amends. Hopefully the wife in this case will do likewise and they can move on to the recovery stage.

[anne1707]

The fact that I still work with the ex-OM though is still very much in the way of the healing process.

 

 

Will it recover, sure it can. But she said that her marriage recovered and marriages can recover with the WS still being in contact with the OM...I am saying that it isn't so as long as she is still working with the OM.

 

Dexter

 

If you read my post again you will see that I said working with the ex-OM is getting in the way of recovery hence my marriage has not recovered. It is, however, recovering. It will never fully recover whilst I work with the ex-OM and I know that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter

 

If you read my post again you will see that I said working with the ex-OM is getting in the way of recovery hence my marriage has not recovered. It is, however, recovering. It will never fully recover whilst I work with the ex-OM and I know that.

 

I think your husband should be able to go to a strip club every Saturday night until you no longer work with the OM

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think your husband should be able to go to a strip club every Saturday night until you no longer work with the OM

 

LMAO

 

...that's a little bit too much.

[LuckyClover]

A co-worker of mine asked me a very important question tonight. He asked "If my situation with my wife never got better, as far as, her showing remoarse, or ever leaving her job, could I still love her just the way she is?" or in other words could I really be happy with what I got and not what I want. To me that was a very deep question... One I don't think I'm ready to answer. Anne I commend you for showing a desire to work it out with your husband. The difference in my case is that I don't think my wife thinks she has done anything wrong....She wants to believe, and therefore does, that everything happens for a reason and that we should never live a life of regret or ever regret something that helps us grow in some way. This OM has filled her with so much fairy-tale reterick that I feel I will always be second best....He said things like " I feel we are two souls walking the same path", he calls her "his sunny". He has taken some of the most sacred things and used them, to put her in that Affair fog. I do believe that they haven't talked at all at work, e-mail, phone, etc...;however, I still don't believe that it won't happen again. We went to the Laker/Jazz playoff game last night, it was a three hour drive. On the way I told her that a lot of this was my fault. That I did what most people do, I took our marriage for granted...I felt secure enough in our marriage that I hardly went looking for ways to show her that I loved her. I know that now! I told her it was my fault, but, what happen was her choice and that I won't be held accountable for her actions. I don't deserve this, but I can own up to my own mistakes. The one's that really matter in this whole mess, are our children. How(if this doesn't work out) can I tell them that mommy and daddy aren't going to live in the same house anymore, that we love each other, but were not in-love with each other. That sounds stupid to me....they won't understand. And what would that teach my 5 year old daughter? That if things don't work out, just walk away. That a broken heart isn't worth mending. There is a hole in my heart, that is very real. I have to stay strong. The easy way would be to just do it. To leave, split everything and move on. I'm 31. That's still fairly young, and hell I've learned so much about myself in these last 6 weeks that I know I can find someone else that would love me for everything I am and everything I will ever be. The hard way would be to stay, sacrafice my own selfish desires to be instantly happy, and try to learn to be happy with what I got and not what I think I deserve.

[LuckyClover]

She still needs to quit her damn job though!

[Gunny376]

First off bear with me if I come off a little harsh sounding, and not the sensitive / PC type ~ (and believe it or not I really am trying to be such)

 

The first thing that you've got to do is to snap out of this victim mentality. And I see where your doing that ~ or at least trying damn hard to do so. And, I say that realizing that that's not something that you've choose for yourself. Its hard not to find yourself in that position given your situation. Hell I've been there in a big and bad way myself.

 

What I'm trying to get you to understand is that the OM hasn't got anything that you don't have, you've just not been using it over the course of your marriage.

 

You, (like I and so many other husbands) became complacent in our marriage relationships. On the TV show "Mad About You" the wife told Paul: "You use to wine and dine me, buy me sweet nothings, take me to best restaurants, give me flowers and cards but now that we're married you don't do that anymore? Why?

 

His answer was: "That's why I married you so I wouldn't have to do that anymore!"

 

I wouldn't beat myself up over the situation? Over the course of getting married, getting a job, building a career, acquiring material things you want and need, having children, credit cards debt, worsening economy, lay-offs, etc ~ well.................when your up to your neck in alligators, snakes and Indians we all tend to forget that our initial objective was to drain the damn swamp.

 

As a former poster ILMW said ~ "I lost my center!" The "center of who and what you are and about as an individual and as a man.

 

The DW married you and feel in love because of the way you were when you were courting ~ before the bills, the job(s), career, the bills, the economy ~ she married you because of the way you made her feel ~ you stopped doing that ~ and so now she's seeking that internal and external validation elsewhere.

 

With the OM, she's in a "Calgon Take Me Away" fantasy world where she doesn't have to worry about bills, credit card limits, Hughie's, cooking supper for an army. She's off in la~la land.

 

If you want to save your marriage? You have to become the OM to the OM. You have to become the man that he and no other man has to offer. You have to become a challenge to her, mentally, emotionally.

 

Not the whinny, "Your cheating on me" helpless, 'poor me' ~ what am I going to do?" person that cheating will make you if you let it. (And your showing some progress in that direction)

 

Do not let her engage you emotionally, I don't give a damn if she has sex with the other man before your very eyes, your cool, calm and indifferent and could care less. Nothing she says nor does raises so much as an eyebrow let alone any emotion.

 

She asks for a hug or kiss ~ you tell her NO! You do so on your terms and time, not hers! She says she wants to go to a certain place? You tell her no! This is what we planned to do and this is what we're going to do!

 

She plops down on your lap? You push her off of you, and then later on your terms, your time, your schedule ~ you pull her close to you.

 

She begs for sex, you deny her. Your a man of self control and self discipline.

 

 

Buying her flowers, gifts etc won't work! Begging, imploring, pleading ~ none of that will work.

 

Letting her go with the OM? Putting in her mind that you can and will do just find without her, and that there's plenty of women out there who want what you've got to offer?

 

Will work!

 

PUA (Pick Up Artist ~ the ones that are really good at it) will tell you that that the fact they're married or have BF doesn't matter. Its all about how you make women feel about themselves when they're with them.

[anne1707]

I think your husband should be able to go to a strip club every Saturday night until you no longer work with the OM

 

The problem is Dexter that you just cannot believe that a marriage can ever recover from an affair and that it can be happy again. Inspite of fellow LSers telling you different. We are all human, we all make mistakes - some way bigger than others. But a key thing is how we then deal with them.

 

These past few months have been a huge test for both my H and I but we are getting through it together and we are both happy. Sure there are still some bad times (again for both of us) but it gets better day by day. We spend more quality time together, we talk more - especially if we think we might be off track in any way, show our love for each other more. We are making this marriage what it should be and it feels good.