My Wife won't quit her job!

[Gunny376]

The problem is Dexter that you just cannot believe that a marriage can ever recover from an affair and that it can be happy again. Inspite of fellow LSers telling you different. We are all human, we all make mistakes - some way bigger than others. But a key thing is how we then deal with them.

 

These past few months have been a huge test for both my H and I but we are getting through it together and we are both happy. Sure there are still some bad times (again for both of us) but it gets better day by day. We spend more quality time together, we talk more - especially if we think we might be off track in any way, show our love for each other more. We are making this marriage what it should be and it feels good.

 

Thing is?

 

Your excetional person ~ woman!

 

Give yourself some credit!

 

Few! Rare! Exceptional!

[wuggle]

Dexter - that's not really very helpful is it ?

 

Gunny - excellent post

 

Lucky - please re-read Gunny's post, until your wife accepts responsibility for her actions you can't really move forward.

[seibert253]

180, 180, 180, can't say it enough.

[LuckyClover]

Well...I did it! I told her I want a divorce. I told her that I will no longer be in a marriage that will never work. That when she told me that if she had to choose between her job and me, and she said she would pick her job, that she made her choice right then. Because for her to stay my wife she would have to quit her job and since she said she won't, then see ya later. I FEEL LIKE ****! But guess what, I WILL GET OVER IT. Right now I need to do what I want, and that is to take care of me and my kids. She doesn't deserve my love and therefore is no longer going to get it. I will never talk her down to the kids, but I will tell them that daddy is a good man, a man that tried really hard to keep their mommy and daddy together, even when she cheated on me, I forgave her and was willing to make it work....BUT MOM wasn't. She's not a bad person for it....she's just stupid. Now comes the hard part....every divorce turns ugly! Any suggestions let me know...I really can't afford an attorney. I have the e-mails that my wife and the OM sent back and forth....will these help me get custodial rights of my kids or does it not matter....what can I do to ensure I am the one who makes the decisions for the kids? I hope she gets fired; however, then I just pay more support....this sucks! oh well, I got a good job, and wow, for some reason since word of my divorce got out, I am getting a lot of attention from a lot of single women. I don't think I can handle another relationship for a while. Actually I'm kinda excited about planning fun things to do with my kids without her...she has always been someone who basically was a fun hater. She's just not a happy person inside....I kinda feel bad for the OM....once this affair fog wears off I wonder if they'll even stick it out.....She didn't with me, why would it be different later....her mom even cheated on her 1st and 2nd husband....her grandma did the same thing....damn family jeans, I should have known. I'll keep you guys updated on the battle of the divorce....any help helps...thanks.

[wuggle]

Sorry to hear that lucky, I guess I was kind of hoping that when you gave her that ultimatum she would have chosen you.

 

If you do get divorced you will get over it, there are loads of posters on here who have been through similar. Some remain bitter , some have worked through their anger and come out of the other side.

 

three pieces of advice I can give:-

 

first NEVER use you kids as a pawn in arguments against your wife, they will eventually see through that and resent you for it. Be as honest with them as possible, and try not to cast your judgements about her to them, just be as good a person as you can and let them decide if she is stupid or not.

 

Second, try to remember that you did (and maybe still do) love your wife. If you do get divorced try not to be angry with her and make it more painful for you both. If she wants the house fine, if she wants the car , ok, if she wants the beer - tell her to sod off. You get the idea, be magnanimous but don't let youself be a doormat. At the end of the day you have to look after yourself AND your kids. Please don't see it as a 'battle' unless it has to be.

 

Thirdly, try to be true to yourself. You sound like a decent sort of bloke, try not to let the anger change that. Again, remember that you did love her and she is just stupid.

 

Oh and just so you know I think you are probably right, my guess is that when she can have the OM it won't work out and she will feel stupid. You might want to think now about what you would do if in three months time she says she is sorry and can you give it another go, not saying she will so don't work on that basis, but it does often happen.

 

Take care and good luck

[mark982]

well now that you've told her, you're going to have to protect yourself money wise. close the joint accts(checking,savings,credit)i sure as heck wouldn't be moving out either.don't give her a dime unless court ordered.be smart, shouldn't cost you much to just talk to a lawyer to get pointers.

[2sunny]

actions are more telling than words. she's telling you that you don't matter, that the family isn't her priority.

 

the OM is her priority - so is her job.

 

you can find comfort in the fact that you will owe her less support money when you divorce since she's hell bent on keeping her job.

 

i'm sorry. get things in order to protect yourself and your assets. expect her to hide money or to put her valuables somewhere else.

 

she's made it perfectly clear what she intends to ultimately do, so your actions need to be acknowledging that she's making no effort for the marriage - but she's making effort for the OM and the job.

 

let her have her way - see how fast she turns around when she knows you are ready to accept that it's over and you are moving on.

 

ps... there are good women out there who would never do this to there husband... to the men they love. i promise.

 

i still stand by my original words that were typed days ago. she was perfectly clear about what she did/didn't want.

 

i'm sorry for your family. acceptance will be key for all of you.

[mental_traveller]

If your wife won't quit her job, then take charge and quit your wife.

[Dexter Morgan]

The problem is Dexter that you just cannot believe that a marriage can ever recover from an affair and that it can be happy again.

 

Oh I think a marriage can be happy again, but never what it was and the BS will never forget. Thats the problem....alot of baggage that has to be carried.

 

But I KNOW it won't recover, and definitely won't be happy, as long as a cheater is still seeing the other person, especially on a daily basis.

 

 

Inspite of fellow LSers telling you different.

 

My sympathies always lie with a BS. I wonder though just how many of them that stayed with their WS are truly happy....or just want to believe they are happy because they stayed for other reasons...desperation...money...kids...fear of divorce, etc.

[Dexter Morgan]

LMAO

 

...that's a little bit too much.

 

Nah, he has to put up with her seeing OM every day.....she can put up with him getting boobs in his face every weekend.

[sotired]

Good luck! You need to move forward....You were never going to "win" with her seeing the OM everyday.

 

But why would you want his leftovers anyway?

 

Not all women in serious relationships will fall for PUA type men. Any woman with half a brain wouldn't fall for that crap....

[Dexter Morgan]

Well...I did it! I told her I want a divorce. I told her that I will no longer be in a marriage that will never work. That when she told me that if she had to choose between her job and me, and she said she would pick her job, that she made her choice right then. Because for her to stay my wife she would have to quit her job and since she said she won't, then see ya later. I FEEL LIKE ****! But guess what, I WILL GET OVER IT.

 

YES! you will....especially when you find out what a good woman is all about.

 

Divorce is hard...I know. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and when its all over, you can breath..you will be free...and you won't have to worry about whether or not she will stray again.

 

You also won't have to worry about thinking about what she did. Sure, you still might think about it when its all said and done, but you can laugh at it instead of being hurt. She will be insignificant to you, therefore, so will the thoughts.

 

 

Right now I need to do what I want, and that is to take care of me and my kids. She doesn't deserve my love and therefore is no longer going to get it. I will never talk her down to the kids, but I will tell them that daddy is a good man, a man that tried really hard to keep their mommy and daddy together, even when she cheated on me, I forgave her and was willing to make it work....BUT MOM wasn't.

 

I don't know how old your kids are, but I wouldn't tell them anything of the sort UNLESS they are old enough and ask you.

 

My kids are too young, and even when they get older, I'm not going to say anything. But if they ask later on, I'm not going to lie to them...I will tell them that their mother couldn't stay faithful, and I'll leave it at that.

 

 

She's not a bad person for it

 

whatever you say my man;)

 

 

Now comes the hard part....every divorce turns ugly! Any suggestions let me know...I really can't afford an attorney.

 

take out a loan. don't try to get into some huge fight. In the end, it doesn't matter if you caught her in your bed with the OM and have it video taped....infidelity doesn't matter one iota with regards to custody and division of the marital assets.

 

Just find a divorce lawyer, and figure if there isn't some huge battle, it will cost you about $5,000.

 

And here is the problem. She cheated on you, isn't willing to do what it took to make it right, but if she wants custody, she WILL get it unless you can prove she is a drug addict, physically abuses the kids, or has a mental disorder. She has to be proven unfit, and unfortunately, cheating doesn't prove that...although it should be taken into consideration. but alas, it doesn't.

 

 

I have the e-mails that my wife and the OM sent back and forth....will these help me get custodial rights of my kids or does it not matter

 

again, it won't matter....but it damn well should. You can use this to file under that grounds of adultery. What does that do? nothing...just gives you a reason to file....nothing more.

 

but still show your attorney the emails anyway, just so that way he/she knows everything.

 

 

what can I do to ensure I am the one who makes the decisions for the kids?

 

Only way is to get full custody with no joint custody at all. But that isn't going to happen....you have a penis..you won't get custody unless your stbXW is proven an unfit mother.

 

 

I hope she gets fired; however, then I just pay more support....this sucks!

 

You won't pay more support if she ever gets fired. You pay a flat percentage for child support and you will not have to pay alimony. Depending on a judge, I think alimony may be the ONLY thing that might be affected by adultery....although it would be a personal issue with a judge..wouldn't be a matter of law.

 

 

oh well, I got a good job, and wow, for some reason since word of my divorce got out, I am getting a lot of attention from a lot of single women.

 

yup, so did I. You are reaping the benefits already!!

 

 

 

I don't think I can handle another relationship for a while.

 

Nor should you. Let this be a lesson to you. Be picky...VERY picky. And get to know everything about a potential mate in the future. List all the red flags to look for.

 

For example. I won't date anyone that frequents bars or goes out to nightclubs. I won't date a facebook/myspace addict.

These are just a couple of things that turn me off.

 

 

I kinda feel bad for the OM....once this affair fog wears off I wonder if they'll even stick it out

 

Nope, she is a cheater. She won't be happy with the same guy for too long.....neither will he probably. they are getting what they deserve, and not in a good way,......each other!

 

 

She didn't with me, why would it be different later....her mom even cheated on her 1st and 2nd husband....her grandma did the same thing....damn family jeans

 

that was another thing on my list.....you want to know what you are getting in a potential gf, maybe future wife?......get to know her mother.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you do get divorced you will get over it, there are loads of posters on here who have been through similar. Some remain bitter , some have worked through their anger and come out of the other side.

 

Wuggle, you got something to say, then say it.

 

and there is nothing bitter about knowing better, learning from a bad relationship, and giving advice based on our own experiences.

 

My harshness comes off as anger and bitterness. Hey sure..call it whatever you like. I like to try to get people to wake up so they don't have to learn the hard way like I did.

 

 

first NEVER use you kids as a pawn in arguments against your wife, they will eventually see through that and resent you for it.

 

I agree with this. if the kids are old enough and want the truth, he can tell them, but then drop it and let it go. He shouldn't remind them each and every time, but he can tell them the truth in a dignified way and then promise to not dwell on it or bring it up again.

 

 

Be as honest with them as possible, and try not to cast your judgements about her to them

 

Telling them their mom was unfaithful is not casting a judgement...its a fact.

 

but he can tell them in a civil and properly worded way, the truth.

 

 

Second, try to remember that you did (and maybe still do) love your wife. If you do get divorced try not to be angry with her and make it more painful for you both. If she wants the house fine, if she wants the car ,

 

huh? no...its not fine. 1/2 that stuff is his too.

 

Lucky, if she wants the house, give it to her...but she will owe you 1/2 the equity in it. She wants the car?....ok...she owes you half the value of the car.

 

Could be that she gets alot and in return, for example, she would agree to not touch her portion of any retirement.

 

Remember, you get 1/2 the marital assets and everything you came into the marriage with, including any balances in any retirement accounts. The rest should be divided equally.

 

 

You get the idea, be magnanimous but don't let youself be a doormat. At the end of the day you have to look after yourself AND your kids. Please don't see it as a 'battle' unless it has to be.

 

It will be. The xW and I agreed to what we would split. Just to get it over with quickly, i even gave her a few things, one because I didn't want them, and 2 so that I could get on with my life.

 

But her attorney advised her to go for everything, because its a negotiation, and work down from there. In the end, she ended up with less than what she could have. Since her and her attorney wouldn't budge, my attorney told them, "that isn't 1/2 and definitely not equitable, so we'll let the judge divide it all".

 

That scared them and they made some concessions, but not enough. so in the end, her trying to get more than she was entitled to screwed her over.

 

ok, back to the topic

 

 

Oh and just so you know I think you are probably right, my guess is that when she can have the OM it won't work out and she will feel stupid.

 

good

 

 

You might want to think now about what you would do if in three months time she says she is sorry and can you give it another go

 

then hopefully he won't be a fool, will stick to his guns, and keep the divorce rolling.

 

 

LUCKY! REMEMBER! She is entitled to no more than 1/2 the "marital" assets....don't let her and an attorney try to get anything more than that.

And if they won't budge....ask your attorney about letting the judge decide.

[Dexter Morgan]

well now that you've told her, you're going to have to protect yourself money wise. close the joint accts(checking,savings,credit)i sure as heck wouldn't be moving out either.don't give her a dime unless court ordered.be smart, shouldn't cost you much to just talk to a lawyer to get pointers.

 

 

well, he can't close joint accounts without her approval. And her attorney, if he/she is smart, will want disclosure of all accounts even months before a divorce is filed.

 

What he will want to do is get to an attorney first, and ask the attorney what he can legally do money wise to protect himself.

 

My xW withdrew a bunch of money from an account, and i had listed the account and how much was in it. She had to pay me back 1/2 the money she drew out.

 

But once I filed, our finances from THAT point were separate.

So disclose all the accounts and the balances to your attorney, have statements with account numbers and everything ready to give him/her. That way if she tries to pull a fast one, your attorney can get it back.

[anne1707]

Oh I think a marriage can be happy again, but never what it was and the BS will never forget. Thats the problem....alot of baggage that has to be carried.

 

But I KNOW it won't recover, and definitely won't be happy, as long as a cheater is still seeing the other person, especially on a daily basis.

 

 

 

 

My sympathies always lie with a BS. I wonder though just how many of them that stayed with their WS are truly happy....or just want to believe they are happy because they stayed for other reasons...desperation...money...kids...fear of divorce, etc.

 

 

Dexter

 

I still work with the ex-OM and as I have said in my posts, I know that this will always be a problem for my H and I, which is why I am actively looking for another job. I totally agree that a full recovery cannot be made whilst there is still some form of contact with the ex-OM.

 

However I also know that my H has enough pride and self-respect to only stay with me because he loves me and wants us to be together. It certainly is not about desperation or money or kids. I guess I shall now just wait for you to post back that I am deluding myself on that one too and that you know my H better than I do.

[Owl]

Anne, you know I support your efforts...but I'd like to point out something to you that also pertains to this OP.

 

You may be "recovering" while you're still working everyday with OM...but you will never be RECOVERED while you're still working with him. And the odds of your marriage truly being recovered diminish everyday that you remain in that position.

 

Because the pain that your H will go through watching you go to work everyday with OM, the distrust and unease that he feels as a result will continue to COMPOUND and BUILD.

 

He can't possibly heal completely if this continues.

 

Can you seee this?

[wuggle]

Wuggle, you got something to say, then say it..

 

Certainly Dexter, you are a prime example of the type of person I was talking about, you are bitter and angry and advise everyone else to be the same strangly I do think that you will eventually lose that bitterness and look back on your previous advise and wish you could alter it (as I have seen at least one other poster start to do). (ironically I wasn't thinking about you when I was talking about bitter people, I really was just being general, but if the cap fits then wear it , and it certainly seems to fit in this case)

 

Lucky, when I was saying be magnanimous I stand by that. I was assuming when I advised you to give her the house and the car, that she would be having custody of the children (which says something that the thought of you getting custody never occured to me - have to concur with the Bay Harbour Butcher on that one ). If she is going to keep the kids then if you are not generous who really are you going to be screwing by turning it into an out and out cat fight and insisting on 50% each.

 

But I did add that you should draw the line somewhere and not be a doormat.

[anne1707]

The fact that I still work with the ex-OM though is still very much in the way of the healing process.

 

 

If you read my post again you will see that I said working with the ex-OM is getting in the way of recovery hence my marriage has not recovered. It is, however, recovering. It will never fully recover whilst I work with the ex-OM and I know that.

 

I totally agree that a full recovery cannot be made whilst there is still some form of contact with the ex-OM.

 

Anne, you know I support your efforts...but I'd like to point out something to you that also pertains to this OP.

 

You may be "recovering" while you're still working everyday with OM...but you will never be RECOVERED while you're still working with him. And the odds of your marriage truly being recovered diminish everyday that you remain in that position.

 

Because the pain that your H will go through watching you go to work everyday with OM, the distrust and unease that he feels as a result will continue to COMPOUND and BUILD.

 

He can't possibly heal completely if this continues.

 

Can you seee this?

 

 

I think you can see from my posts that I do get this. I know that working with the ex-OM stops full recovery. I am not fooling myself on this at all.

[Owl]

Fair enough, Anne. I should have read your responses more thoroughly and I would have seen that you do indeed get this. I thought it a point worth mentioning to both you and the OP in this thread. No offense intended, friend.

[wuggle]

Because the pain that your H will go through watching you go to work everyday with OM, the distrust and unease that he feels as a result will continue to COMPOUND and BUILD.

 

Owl, I respect you more than any other poster on this site, you are one of the reasons I am here, and whilst I generally agree with you, I have to let you know that this is NOT the case, you are wrong.

 

Generally the unease and distrust is diminishing dispite the fact that Anne still works with the piece of scum, NOT compounding and building. I think this is mostly because of the efforts that Anne is making to be more honest and open.

 

Whilst we both agree (and Anne has said several times) that we are still recovering , not recoved, and probably will not totally recover until she finally manages to get another job, I am trusting her more as time goes by and do feel that the relationship is getting better.

 

And to respond to other posters hinting at the fact that I stay with my wife just to cover other insecurities, I can state that this is not the case. We have no children, I earn roughly the same as my wife so have no problems with finances, always used to be quite happy living on my own, am quite well balanced and can make new friends, have hobbies etc. I also spent a lot of time contemplating splitting and wasn't worried about it at all. I stay with my wife solely because I still love her. We all make mistakes, but I will not go through my life being bitter and spiteful.

[anne1707]

None taken Owl

[Owl]

Owl, I respect you more than any other poster on this site, you are one of the reasons I am here, and whilst I generally agree with you, I have to let you know that this is NOT the case, you are wrong.

 

Generally the unease and distrust is diminishing dispite the fact that Anne still works with the piece of scum, NOT compounding and building. I think this is mostly because of the efforts that Anne is making to be more honest and open.

 

Whilst we both agree (and Anne has said several times) that we are still recovering , not recoved, and probably will not totally recover until she finally manages to get another job, I am trusting her more as time goes by and do feel that the relationship is getting better.

 

And to respond to other posters hinting at the fact that I stay with my wife just to cover other insecurities, I can state that this is not the case. We have no children, I earn roughly the same as my wife so have no problems with finances, always used to be quite happy living on my own, am quite well balanced and can make new friends, have hobbies etc. I also spent a lot of time contemplating splitting and wasn't worried about it at all. I stay with my wife solely because I still love her. We all make mistakes, but I will not go through my life being bitter and spiteful.

 

Right back at you, Wuggle. I've often enjoyed your posts as well.

 

And I can see and agree with your posts.

 

But...(don't you hate it when people do that? )

 

I think that you're right, the relationship improves as honesty and communication are restored...that's very likely. But once that plateau's out into as good as it's going to get, the gains that it made towards rebuilding trust and recovery will slowly be eroded away by the continuing contact and distrust that this creates.

 

I get your point...don't take me wrong. I can agree that things are better now than they were for YEARS...and that they've improved since d-day even given the continued work contact. But I really do believe that all that gain can be lost if this situation were to continue.

 

My opinion at least...and I'll also grant you...I've not been in that particular situation myself. I was fortunate enough to get true NC established relatively shortly after my wife's EA. Given that your in that situation...I'll buy that the reality could be closer to your description than mine.

[wuggle]

Why do they call you Owl again ?

 

I did think it important to the OP that he saw that a relationship stood a chance of recovering even whilst the wife was still working with the OM but only if there was remorse and a willingness to quit if needed, sadly in the case of the OP the wife hasn't reached that point. hopefully for Lucky a seperation or divorce won't leave him too scarred or permanently bitter and his life will be good.

 

And hopefully Anne will get another job soon

[Owl]

Why do they call you Owl again ?

 

Believe it or not, my choice of moniker had nothing to do with "wisdom". There's a long story behind this name...but trust me, I didn't pick it or earn it for being wise...it has a lot more to do with being stupid than smart!

[LuckyClover]

Ugh!!!!! So okay check this out the OM has the audacity to call my house at 10pm at night. I pick up and I say "are you kidding me" "are you for real" "you have got to have some kinda nerve to call this number." He said nothing , but my wife said "hang up the phone" "hang it up" So I hung it up! And finished eating my icecream. Then....the fun starts :-)

 

she's off the phone. Q. Hun what the hell was that? A. I told him to call me. Q. "are you fu<I<in kidding me?", in my house with our kids playing in the middle of whaterver converstation you two scarlet letters are having?

 

So anyway to make a long story short. We just layed down the law right there. I get the house...she gets all CC debt....I keep the time share....She keeps my share of the equity in her vehicale.....Wife has until end of may to find a place and move there. I get my guns and camping gear, 61' T.V. , PS3, computer. She gets the **** load of clothes I've bought, not to mention the shoes(were going to need a second truck). It's rediculas, then she's got her cricuit cutter, and her eliptical. everything else what ever.

 

We split kids 50/50.

But with the kids I've got leverage...all I want is 50/50 but I want to be the parent to be able to make that final decision or hire a counceler, or mediator. I will be the parent dropping kids off at school and picking them up, etc.... I'm keeping our house they will probably want to live with me the majority of the time. This is HOME to them...their beds will be here and their dressers. this deal sounds pretty good huh