More than a little bemused

[kirikat]

At the end of last summer, while my heart was being broken a second time by the same man - I met someone new, and we began dating.

 

At this point, he knew I was in the middle of a break up, terribly in love, and not ready for a big "R" relationship. Because of where he is in his life (a struggling artist who really cannot permanently stay in this small city) - he said he really couldn't be in a relationship either. He helped walk be through the ending of my relationship - providing me with a pretty soft landing, and we became friends and lovers and even professionally involved.

 

It has progressed to the point now that he is with me every day. He doesnt even plan a day or evening away without telling me where he will be and what he is doing (a refreshing change from the last so called boyfriend!). We work on each others professional projects, I edit his screenplays and help him write - he works on my plays and provides technical direction and massive professional support. He helps with dishes, with laundry, he does the homework with my child. He is beyond a doubt utterly committed, unconditionally loving, in nearly constant physical contact with me;

 

Here is the rub: he is still firm that he is not by 'boyfriend', that it is something 'different', that we are just 'good friends'. (Having been married before, that something different is what I would term a husband. Not that I would say such a thing.) If asked he would say he doesn't love me - and if I were to say 'I love you' he would brush it off.

 

Its like he is doing the job, but refusing the job title. He's very happy here, its clear that I really am the center of his world; he is my constant and consistantly loving companion - and this is one of the best 'its not a relationships' I have ever been involved in He is emotionally present, affectionate, sweet, caring, looks out for me, takes care of my son (without being asked) - without ever trying to change me, control me, or possess me in any way.

 

I will, in closing, admit, that we don't have the sexual connection I had with my last boyfriend - I don't feel panicked or anxious, and the way his neck smells doesn't make my knees weak. But even without that intense fierce sick-to-my-stomach feeling, I would indeed call this love; and perhaps a more mature and happier love. THIS is something we have discussed, the lack of that kind of passionate chemistry - this is not to say there is no chemistry - but that biologically pheromone driven insanity is absent. But after three years of a relationship that had nothing EXCEPT that going for it, I dont know that I define that as love any longer. I guess maybe this is his issue; I don't "smell" right.

 

 

I would LIKE to be able to use the L word, and I am starting to get just a little frustrated by not being able to use my full range of expression, and by having to control MY feeling (like not using the word boyfriend - even in my own head.)

 

So, any opinions here on what the deal is?