Q about Narcissicists, How they handle getting Caught or feeling Trapped

[Trialbyfire]

Understood. I'm just passing on tips about how to handle yourself, with someone who disappears on you. It worked for me.

 

Keep in mind that any guesses on your part about how they think, will be off the mark since what you knew about them, was when they weren't solely thinking about self-preservation.

 

I think that's why people are shocked by how their exes react, after break up, how they're like different people. In essence, it's true, their emotional states are mirrors of yours, in that they're experiencing emotional upheaval. With this in mind, I don't think it's possible to checkmate someone who's like this. There won't be any rational explanation.

[bubblegum]

Bubblegum, I can understand how you are in a state of bewilderment at this behaviour. Remember you are working from a completly different set of values and standards to this guy. I have learned that manipulators home in on people just like you and I, those who are 'caretakers', who hate to see others suffer and who also feel responsible for others wellbeing...so we are all too willing to accept excuses and are left questioning what we did 'wrong'.

 

My ex, after a couple of months apart when I contacted him to see how he was,told me by text that all his worst fears had come true and his life was 'effectively over', when I begged him to at least let me support him and have a phone conversation,he said it it would make him physically ill to talk about it, and lashed out at me, saying 'but you think its all about you and your sensibilities'. So I was being at once made to feel guilty and thrown off guard, he deflected everything away from why he was not willing to speak to me directly. And the truth? He is with someone else.

 

So he had me begging to let me support him in his hour of need,( the sympathy card) but made out that he couldnt accept my support. So much of this has gone on, a game of cat and mouse, but I have seen through it all, I am nevertheless completly heartbroken and dont know, like yourself Bubblegum, how anyone can treat another person like this..and even though my rational mind knows I have been played like a fiddle, it doesnt take away the utter pain I feel.

 

But, all I know its up to us ( once we see the games being played) to call a halt and disengage, any more dealings with these types will leave us hurt beyond words.

 

You've articulated everything so well Knowingme, thank you so much for sharing your insight. I understand what you're saying. I need to figure out how to set my pride aside (like I think TBF may have been implying) and not worry about it feeling like he gets off the hook easily if I don't confront him - and confronting him or reaching out in any way, like you described with your ex, can be an emotional setup. Too risky.

 

He has some important stuff of mine that I want back. But I guess I can give it more time and use the time to gain strength and distance?

[Touche]

Sorry but come on...cluster, shmuster...NPD, my ass. No such nonsense.

 

You either get a good man or you don't. Get your stuff from him and move on. What's so complicated about that?

[mental_traveller]

"Q about Narcissicists, How they handle getting Caught or feeling Trapped?"

 

That depends how hard you punch them.

[Knowingmeknowingyou]

Bubblegum, I would agree that yes you leave things for now and gain that emotional distance, hard as that is as I know it is so hard to fight that urge for answers in the face of silence, its almost like a torture. I dont know the background obviously of why your guy disappeared, but from my own recent situation I wish now I had not contacted him AT ALL...zero. I have only ended up more crushed and even though we split up 4 months ago, the mind games have only stopped since I sent what I decided was my final text almost 2 weeks ago.

 

In that I mentioned that I understood he was in a new relationship and would have left him be if he hadnt clouded things by all the things he had said in his texts, but I wished him well. To me, I needed to do this, possibly to try and claw back some sense of control, and also to take the higher ground and finish the mind games.

 

But, I think now of how much further down the road to being over him I might have been if I had just been able to resist contacting him, its been over 4 months but i set myself back considerably. You live and learn I guess.

[Montclair0011]

In my experience they never, ever take responsibility for anything major. If they are cornered and they can't blame another they just blow up about something else (red herring) or say the whole thing was not important.

 

My estranged husband is a genius at deflecting blame even when caught red-handed. Once he made a mistake measuring for window shades that ended up costing us $300. I had made sure he did all the measuring because I knew if I was involved all problems would be blamed on me. When the mistake was revealed I thought I was safe, but also knew he would find someway to make it my fault, although I had no idea how.

 

Sure enough: he thought for a while and then declared, "It's your fault for buying this defective G-D tape measure at that cheap discount store.

 

Foiled again.

[bubblegum]

Sorry but come on...cluster, shmuster...NPD, my ass. No such nonsense.

 

You either get a good man or you don't. Get your stuff from him and move on. What's so complicated about that?

 

True. It's just a desire in me to make sense of something insensible. Helps me bring closure for myself.

[bubblegum]

Bubblegum, I would agree that yes you leave things for now and gain that emotional distance, hard as that is as I know it is so hard to fight that urge for answers in the face of silence, its almost like a torture. I dont know the background obviously of why your guy disappeared, but from my own recent situation I wish now I had not contacted him AT ALL...zero. I have only ended up more crushed and even though we split up 4 months ago, the mind games have only stopped since I sent what I decided was my final text almost 2 weeks ago.

 

In that I mentioned that I understood he was in a new relationship and would have left him be if he hadnt clouded things by all the things he had said in his texts, but I wished him well. To me, I needed to do this, possibly to try and claw back some sense of control, and also to take the higher ground and finish the mind games.

 

But, I think now of how much further down the road to being over him I might have been if I had just been able to resist contacting him, its been over 4 months but i set myself back considerably. You live and learn I guess.

 

I'm taking your experience wholeheartedly, and won't contact him and am glad I haven't. I'd like to PM you, but I don't think you have that option yet? Sounds to me like you handled him quite well, learned quite quickly actually!

[bubblegum]

In my experience they never, ever take responsibility for anything major. If they are cornered and they can't blame another they just blow up about something else (red herring) or say the whole thing was not important.

 

My estranged husband is a genius at deflecting blame even when caught red-handed. Once he made a mistake measuring for window shades that ended up costing us $300. I had made sure he did all the measuring because I knew if I was involved all problems would be blamed on me. When the mistake was revealed I thought I was safe, but also knew he would find someway to make it my fault, although I had no idea how.

 

Sure enough: he thought for a while and then declared, "It's your fault for buying this defective G-D tape measure at that cheap discount store.

 

Foiled again.

 

 

Ha ha that's pretty funny, although I'm sure it wasn't to you, in the least. But it's a wonderful example, thank you.

 

I realize it doesn't matter what the heck is behind this jerky guy disappearing, be it fear, a passive-aggressive attempt at trying to turn the tables and act like he's angry at me for something, or whatever... the fact is he vanished and that's just stupid. Indecent. Immature. Shameful.

 

I'm done. I just want to exit with grace and dignity. As I feel I've done thus far, by doing nothing in reaction to his horrid behavior. I do want my some of my things back, but I'll relax about it and deal with it. One step at a time.

[Knowingmeknowingyou]

Bubblegum, you're right, I dont seem to have PM yet, think I have to be 'established'? dont really know what that means !

 

Just wanted to add tho that you are already ahead as in keeping NC, nothing more can happen to harm you emotionally if you continue to do nothing...

 

I read over your previous posts to get an idea of you situation, and I can see how you've come to the conclusion that your guy has PA/Narcc traits. I found a really good website ( apart from this one of course!) that may help you 'see' the dynamics in your r/ship...its called 'Baggage Reclaim'...It covers mainly Mr Emotionally Unavailable types and the women who get involved with them...The Fallback Girls. Certainly opened my eyes.

[janjan]

Bubblegum, I can understand how you are in a state of bewilderment at this behaviour. Remember you are working from a completly different set of values and standards to this guy. I have learned that manipulators home in on people just like you and I, those who are 'caretakers', who hate to see others suffer and who also feel responsible for others wellbeing...so we are all too willing to accept excuses and are left questioning what we did 'wrong'.

 

Thank you for this, it's good to see a reminder that I'm not alone. I still feel bad about it sometimes, how my former interest was an utter ******* and I fell for her blaming everything on me.

 

You think you're giving a person the benifit of the doubt, but you're just being drained more and more by an emotional black hole.

[sugar_kat_99]

I am so glad to have found this forum.

 

It's just a couple days after my narcissist boyfriend of 2.5 years hung up on me for a stupid reason. But this time when I called him back, I didn't beg for "forgiveness" -- I told him it was over. Of course he told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill...that the reason he hung up on me and didn't talk to me for 24 hours was because I wasn't listening. Translation: MY FAULT.

 

See, it's always MY FAULT. That's how NPs transfer their own insecurities. They couldn't possibly do wrong...unless of course YOU made them do it. In the beginning of our relationship, he would have called back and apologized right away. That was back when he would call five times a day to tell me how sweet, cute, pretty, beautiful, and fun I was. Back when he said I love you, I heart you, I crush you. Of course those things aren't said anymore...that would mean he would have to give me something that I might actually enjoy. Witholding is a big part of the narcissist's method of control.

 

I'm still reeling here. I love this man deeply. The pain is intense right now. But I know I am doing the right thing. I can't live this way. I'm tired of lying awake at night wondering what I did wrong. Thinking of ways I can make myself better so that he'll love me more. This is the first time I've felt I can walk away from this. For good. And address my own issues of co-dependency.

 

It takes two to tango. Yes, he has serious psychological issues. But I must have some too, to have allowed myself to be treated this way.

 

For the rest of you who may be dealing with a narcissist or megalomaniac, PLEASE don't kid yourselves. It WILL NOT get better, unless they get help. It's NOT you, even though they make you think it is (and enjoy doing so). It may not be their fault they are damaged in this way, but that doesn't mean you have to stick by them at your own expense.

[JayJ]

In one Seinfeld episode George was explaining to Jerry how to be a good liar. He said " a lie is only a lie if you believe it's a lie"

 

A clever narcissist will have the ability to make himself truly believe that he has done nothing wrong and will be very skilled at turning the situation around to make the accuser feel that THEY are the ones in the wrong.

 

This is not pretending, like Georges lying it is an unconscious shift in perception that makes the narcissicist truly believe he has done no wrong even if he has been caught redhanded. And nothing you can say will sway his beliefs.

 

This is a basic psychological survival mechanism that is very powerful and shields the person from true self awareness which is what they spend a lifetime trying to avoid.

[sugar_kat_99]

That's a great point, and probably one of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with a narcissist partner. You just want to shake them and say "Why can't you see that you played a part in this?" But the sad thing is they really can't see it....it's beyond just denial.

 

Meanwhile ~ I have heard from mine and I am trying to ease out of this, rather than pull the plug all at once. It's weird to have to use an exit strategy, but I worry about his reaction and I'm trying to make this not seem like a "blow" to him.