Q about Narcissicists, How they handle getting Caught or feeling Trapped

[bubblegum]

Well....I didn't go over the top with it. I just told him I didn't like or respect him, didn't rate his opinion, wasn't interested in hearing any more - so he should just get out of my office and start worrying about his own position in the firm. Which he did, in fact, lose several months later.

 

I suppose I quite enjoyed watching his jaw drop, then seeing him flounce out - slamming my door in the process. On the other hand, I'm not sure why he would have been surprised by my response. Maybe he was hopeful that I'd burst into tears so that he could slither around the place trying to play The Man....despite being a stumpy little f*cker who was about 3 inches away from midgethood.

 

I'm sure he wanted you to cry, or at least sit there quivering in his presence. LOL stumpy little f*cker......

[Chinook]

Good for you Chinook! What do you think he's busy doing between being called out by you and then finally contacting you?

No idea. This last time, I reached the point of 'it's over' for me irrespective of what's happening for him. Yesterday and today I haven't really thought about him. I've thought about him a bit... but not obsessively so like I would normally. I dunno I guess I was simply all tried out this time. So when he comes back... he's going to have a bit of a wake up call.

[bubblegum]

No idea. This last time, I reached the point of 'it's over' for me irrespective of what's happening for him. Yesterday and today I haven't really thought about him. I've thought about him a bit... but not obsessively so like I would normally. I dunno I guess I was simply all tried out this time. So when he comes back... he's going to have a bit of a wake up call.

 

The good thing about these types of people, is that they're predictable, so you're definately going to have the opportunity to shock him into reality one last time. (Of course he'll lose touch with it soon enough and re-create history in a way that his ego can handle, but that 1.5 seconds that he has to see/feel the consequences of his actions will be refreshing!)

[hopesndreams]

They become the victim, beg and cry for forgiveness, or say they are not worthy of it. Drama - starring .....ta da...them.

__________________

2sure

 

Exactly right.

 

Also, they will never leave their primary source until they get another to replace it. They are the most selfish, needy, attention seeking people on the planet and they absolutely hate being alone. Inside, they are scared little children.

[bubblegum]

They become the victim, beg and cry for forgiveness, or say they are not worthy of it. Drama - starring .....ta da...them.

__________________

2sure

 

Exactly right.

 

Also, they will never leave their primary source until they get another to replace it. They are the most selfish, needy, attention seeking people on the planet and they absolutely hate being alone. Inside, they are scared little children.

 

Hmm, well I guess this guy I'm dealing with must have a replacement source, since it's been 10 days or so since I've heard from him. Just *snap* gone.

 

I want to confront him, but as TBF and others have said, if I don't have all my ducks in a row he'll work me emotionally, sucking me dry. What should I do?

[kizik]

F*ck narcissists. My exGF is one and I hope she gets her tiny little awful heart smashed by a cheating, alcoholic loser BF.

 

And you guys are right on about this: they hate being alone, it's scarier than death to them, and they only leave one supply source for another.

[bubblegum]

F*ck narcissists. My exGF is one and I hope she gets her tiny little awful heart smashed by a cheating, alcoholic loser BF.

 

And you guys are right on about this: they hate being alone, it's scarier than death to them, and they only leave one supply source for another.

 

Well, I don't want to feed his ego. By contacting him regarding his disappearance I guess I'd be doing that, feeding him, right? Even if it was just to hear what he had to say (IF he answered the call) and then dropped him altogether, right?

 

But it's like I don't want to let him off the hook so easy, which it seems I'm doing by not saying a word about his sudden absence.

 

It's odd, I'm well aware of how predictable such people are, and how he is, but my mind is playing tricks on me and I'm becoming a little more emotional over his disappearance.

 

Help me get on track with this, please!

[kizik]

Uh... I didn't say anything about feeding his ego, OR contacting him. Maybe you accidentally quoted me.

 

Anyway, the one and only way to deal with a crappy person is to not deal with them at all. And that means, yeah, not acknowledging their sh*tty behavior and abominable choices. You let em walk away, every time. You don't try to make them understand how crappy they are. You take the high road, and let your anger fuel you toward a better truth.

[bubblegum]

Uh... I didn't say anything about feeding his ego, OR contacting him. Maybe you accidentally quoted me.

 

Anyway, the one and only way to deal with a crappy person is to not deal with them at all. And that means, yeah, not acknowledging their sh*tty behavior and abominable choices. You let em walk away, every time. You don't try to make them understand how crappy they are. You take the high road, and let your anger fuel you toward a better truth.

 

Sorry Kizik, I made a jump without articulating it in my post. You confirmed what others said, and I leaped from the conclusion that he must have another supply source to the question of whether or not I should confront him about his disappearance. I don't have evidence of another source, other than his disappearance, and as I said, I don't want to feed his ego by contacting him and asking for an explanation but I don't want to let him get away with being a douche so easily, either.

 

That's my current dilemma, and I've done nothing, realizing that time is on my side. But it's beginning to burn slowly, and I want to say something to him... but what? What WONT feed his ego?

[hopesndreams]

What WONT feed his ego?

 

Ignoring him. You're doing the right thing with NC. It will pay off in the long run. If he truly is a narcissist, you do not want to be with him, you lose yourself.

 

You have unanswered questions but keep in mind that these type of people lie, consistently, about anything and everything just as long as it suits them. You won't get the answers you are looking for because these types don't know the truth, can't handle the truth and avoid the truth at all costs.

[bubblegum]

What WONT feed his ego?

 

Ignoring him. You're doing the right thing with NC. It will pay off in the long run. If he truly is a narcissist, you do not want to be with him, you lose yourself.

 

You have unanswered questions but keep in mind that these type of people lie, consistently, about anything and everything just as long as it suits them. You won't get the answers you are looking for because these types don't know the truth, can't handle the truth and avoid the truth at all costs.

 

Ok, you're right, I'm sure. I just hate the thought of him running off with no consequence, it burns my butt, you know?

[hopesndreams]

He will contact you, he is wondering what you are thinking and feeling, don't be the first to reach out, don't let him get the upper hand and enjoy your bewilderment. The best thing is NC, build up your strength because you will need to be strong when you hear from him....and you will hear from him, guaranteed.

[underpants]

It's analogous to this: I wake up missing an arm and see him standing over me with my arm clenched in one of his hands and a bloody saw in his other. First he semi-tearfully apologizes, then when he sees I seem to be accepting it, he shifts blame, saying he was just trying to cut off a loose thread on my t-shirt, and that he's totally inexperienced with blades and that the person who sold him the saw misled him, and that it wasn't supposed to be able to slice through flesh and bone. Things are ok for a day or 2, except that he has to look at an armless bloody me and watch me change my bandages. And then he thinks he catches a glimpse of me in his closet, where I see dozens of different blades and evidence he was using them plenty. So he slips out the backdoor before I can confront him. And runs. No calls, texts, emails, absolutely nada since.

 

But I wasn't really in his closet (although I see how he could think I was) and don't really have any facts, except that he cut off my arm.

 

If someone you know, let alone attempted to care for, gives you reason to conjure up this analogy. Then honey. Be thankful that he is gone. Keep him gone.

 

 

 

I just hate the thought of him running off with no consequence, it burns my butt, you know?

 

His consequence is that he has to live with being who he is. He can deflect, project, blame shift all he wants to. In between the ego feeds, he probably moments of reflection. Not that it changes his core or patterns.

 

Hopefully, your consequence is to make sure you don't have to live with him being who he is, and find out what drew you to a relationship like that in the first place so as to avoid it in the future.

 

Focus on yourself. Not some arm cut and run guy.

 

Narcissists are really weak bullies. The low rungs on life's experiences.

[Knowingmeknowingyou]

Hi all, Ive been looking on here since Jan since my LDR broke up. I posted then too, long story, but I know now in hindsight I was with someone who was highly Passive aggressive with Narcc tendencies. He, when the mask finally fell, took on the 'pity me' persona and I bought it, but have since realised I was being emotionally manipulated all the way. Bubblegum, dissapearing prior to a confrontation is very indicitive of a PA. Mine did that when I confronted him about his lies, cutting me off dead a week before xmas. The silent treatment is one of the many 'tools' they use. I have since read the book 'Living with the PA man' and my ex has every one of the traits...lying,making excuses,feeling victimised,shifting blame,obstructionism,vagueness,sulking...so much became clear. It is covert aggression and disowned anger, the PA will do anything to avoid looking like the bad guy and so will lie and use underhand tactics to try and dupe you and make themselves come up smelling of roses. They use emotional manipulation to get their own way, mine took advantage of my basic 'niceness' and knew that by nature I would trust what he said, even to the point of doubting my own perceptions and gut, in other words I have been 'gaslighted'. Just be careful if/when he resurfaces...trust your instincts, read up on these personality types perhaps so that you know what you are dealing with. I am suffering so much hurt from this guy, as I now question a lot of the relationship and wonder if he was ever ' real' etc, but have cut him off now for my own sanity.

[janjan]

You have unanswered questions but keep in mind that these type of people lie, consistently, about anything and everything just as long as it suits them. You won't get the answers you are looking for because these types don't know the truth, can't handle the truth and avoid the truth at all costs.

 

+1 to this... seeking answers, explanations, or seeking to make up with them is a waste of time and will only drain you emotionally once more. Instead of each admitting mistakes, admitting the crap that was done and making up, they will just give another runaround that will make you even more crazy. Best to just not hear that bull**** and spend your time behind people who are worth it. You won't convince them of the error of their ways, you can just show you're not game anymore for their crap, and cut them off.

[Trialbyfire]

A lot of Cluster-B disorders have similar traits. Regardless of the disorder or if it's even a disorder due to a lack of magnitude, it's up to you how you choose to address them, as referenced by Chinook.

 

If someone treats you poorly, it's up to you to enable the behaviour by putting up with it and/or constantly taking them back or to cut them out of your life.

 

On the otherhand, if someone is actively working on their issues and have asked for help, that's something different. Simply acknowledging issues but continuing to act in the same manner, isn't even close to being good enough.

[bubblegum]

He will contact you, he is wondering what you are thinking and feeling, don't be the first to reach out, don't let him get the upper hand and enjoy your bewilderment. The best thing is NC, build up your strength because you will need to be strong when you hear from him....and you will hear from him, guaranteed.

 

If I were him (me being a normal person) it would be harder and harder for me to contact the person I ran out on as the more time passes, because I'd feel foolish. But he is not quite normal, and I guess the passage of time gives him more opportunity to rewrite history, and believe his own version of it, contacting me if he needs an ego feed.

 

I'm so surprised he's done this - for a couple days maybe, but this is the strangest thing in the world to me - bewilderment is exactly how I feel (plus anger, plus sadness...).

[bubblegum]

If someone you know, let alone attempted to care for, gives you reason to conjure up this analogy. Then honey. Be thankful that he is gone. Keep him gone.

 

I know, seems so obvious, right?!??!!

[bubblegum]

Knowingme, ugli, Tbf:

 

I see that he's quite passive-aggressive, and that his disappearance is a mind-f*ck to shift the focus away from whatever it is he fears, to me, to make me wonder why he's silent, make me ask myself what I've done, question myself, etc etc. But I haven't done anything, this time I see that as clear as freaking day, this is ALL HIM.

 

At least I'm strong on that front. My thoughts become weak when I feel empathy for what I imagine he's thinking and feeling during his low lonely moments. When I'm rational I realize that means nothing in terms of how he treats me. But it's those weak moments when I find myself thinking of how or when to contact him -- but then reading what you've all said here reminds me, it'll all just be more mind-f-ing if he pops up again...

 

Wow, I have been screwed over before, but this is truly amazing. Never has anyone just stopped communicating with me, basically in the middle of a conversation no less, and just disappeared! What a horrible thing to do to me! What kind of man does that?

[bubblegum]

Oh and like hopesndreams mentioned, I guess he must be wondering why I haven't contacted him at all, and I imagine that must add to his fear of what he thinks I must know about him. So, if contacting me were to cross his mind, it'll be a battle between his curiousity and his fear of confrontation, I suppose?

[Trialbyfire]

Don't meander down the path of trying to figure out what they're thinking or feeling. Stick to the facts. For you, the facts are:

1. He disappeared without a trace.
   
2. He's not contacting you.
   

Focus on these two issues, as well as focus on dispersing your pain and pride. Disconnect from him. Try to envision a cord that binds the two of you together. Now imagine taking a pair scissors and cutting the bond.

[You'reasian]

Haha I do have a vivid and coloful imagination!

 

I don't know if he's been diagnosed as such. He's been in therapy, before I knew him, and said he was diagnosed with depression, but he felt therapy and meds weren't helpful. This was after his ex-wife of only about a year divorced him, and he had no idea it was coming (so he says). I've been trained in psychology (very higher-level edu) and have done tons of reading about PDs lately, and he really fits NPD. At minimum I can say with certainty that he strongly displays narcissistic tendencies; this isn't a case of me demonizing someone I feel has hurt me.

 

Was he prescribed drugs by the same person who diagnosed him?

 

I think you've posted this before in several other threads. You're certainly motivated. Why the desire to make this man feel trapped?

[Knowingmeknowingyou]

Bubblegum, I can understand how you are in a state of bewilderment at this behaviour. Remember you are working from a completly different set of values and standards to this guy. I have learned that manipulators home in on people just like you and I, those who are 'caretakers', who hate to see others suffer and who also feel responsible for others wellbeing...so we are all too willing to accept excuses and are left questioning what we did 'wrong'.

 

My ex, after a couple of months apart when I contacted him to see how he was,told me by text that all his worst fears had come true and his life was 'effectively over', when I begged him to at least let me support him and have a phone conversation,he said it it would make him physically ill to talk about it, and lashed out at me, saying 'but you think its all about you and your sensibilities'. So I was being at once made to feel guilty and thrown off guard, he deflected everything away from why he was not willing to speak to me directly. And the truth? He is with someone else.

 

So he had me begging to let me support him in his hour of need,( the sympathy card) but made out that he couldnt accept my support. So much of this has gone on, a game of cat and mouse, but I have seen through it all, I am nevertheless completly heartbroken and dont know, like yourself Bubblegum, how anyone can treat another person like this..and even though my rational mind knows I have been played like a fiddle, it doesnt take away the utter pain I feel.

 

But, all I know its up to us ( once we see the games being played) to call a halt and disengage, any more dealings with these types will leave us hurt beyond words.

[bubblegum]

Don't meander down the path of trying to figure out what they're thinking or feeling. Stick to the facts. For you, the facts are:

1. He disappeared without a trace.
   
2. He's not contacting you.
   

Focus on these two issues, as well as focus on dispersing your pain and pride. Disconnect from him. Try to envision a cord that binds the two of you together. Now imagine taking a pair scissors and cutting the bond.

 

Yeah, I realize trying to figure out what the other person is thinking or feeling is just another way to try to find reason for their actions, so that I can understand, so perhaps there's still hope. That's not my intention, my intention in asking what he thinks about the fact that the second he disappeared without a trace, I did absolutely nothing to contact him, is so that if/when he pops back up I'll be perhaps a little more in tune with his true motivation for contact, so that I avoid emotional potholes he might drag me into.

[bubblegum]

Was he prescribed drugs by the same person who diagnosed him?

 

I think you've posted this before in several other threads. You're certainly motivated. Why the desire to make this man feel trapped?

 

He wasn't seeing a psychiatrist at the time, so no, but his therapist urged him to get the antidepressants, and I believe he got him from his GP.

 

I think you are misunderstanding, I have no desire whatsoever to make this man feel trapped. My question is about whether or not his complete, silent disappearance is typical for someone with narcissistic tendencies when they feel "caught" or "trapped" (trapped by info or facts, with no easy way to explain or lie their way out of, not like trapped in an unwanted relationship or anything like that).

 

I know the difference between demonizing someone as a reaction to acute pain, anger, etc that I feel they've caused me, and being able to observe someone's behavior over a long period of time and rationally group sets of characteristics together.