TurtlePower Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Please forgive me for the length of this thread, but I feel I need some insight. Last month, my sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, cute as can be. Throughout the pregnancy our father had showed some trepidation as to who would take care of the baby once she had to go back to work. Our mother couldn't do it because she works, same reason as me. My sister's in-laws aren't to be trusted with watching a baby because they have a complete polar opposite outlook on raising and discipline in regards to children. So, ultimately, the babysitter responsibility has been given to our retired father. During my sister's maternity leave, he has gotten comfortable with the baby, albeit while she is still home. He has been by himself with the baby for brief hour or so intervals. But, now 6 days from now, he will be completely by himself with the baby 40 hrs a week. Today, he expressed either anxiety or resentment stating to us that he feels that he is being "taken advantage of", and he feels he "shouldn't have to learn these things" and now his whole week is now mapped out whether he has a choice or not. These things being preparing a bottle, etc. I do understand he is probably overwhelmed because this is his first grandchild and he does not want to mess up and face it the last baby he watched, was me...26 years ago. Also, he had both knees replaced over the course of the past two years and he is a diabetic, so he won't be as fleet afoot as most. My question to everyone, is this normal behavior and how can us as a family comfort and assure to him that everything will be alright?? I suggested to my sister that maybe he is uncomfortable due to lack of experience and that she should breakdown her day to day routine for him as a template. On the day to day routine, it should include feeding times, times to hold him, nap times, what to do when he is fussy, etc. everything and anything regardless of how trivial. Or even do a dry run, make believe she is at work (even though she will be home), make him do all the things without her assistance so he can get his feet wet again. All of this just to get him comfortable so he knows somewhat to expect. In my opinion this should have been done weeks ago, but I digress. Thanks to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Why would finding a much younger babysitter be a problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 So you're giving your elderly father a full-time unpaid job that he doesn't want. I don't understand why he's resentful. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Why doesn't your sister use childcare, rather than use an older man who clearly doesn't want to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 I absolutely adore my grandchild.. but would I want to babysit her 40 hour a week.. not a chance... I want to be the 'grand-maman gâteau'.. I think the role of a grandparent is to 'spoil' the child.. and to become that very special loving person in the child's life... not someone who will be responsible for her/his upbringing... and discipline.. This is NOT fair to him.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurtlePower Posted April 21, 2009 Author Share Posted April 21, 2009 Why would finding a much younger babysitter be a problem? My sister and her husband are on a fixed income and probably can't afford one, plus the issue of a stranger watching their first child is something they would rather not do. They trust my father and he is not elderly, he is only 60. I think he will be fine, he just has to get used to doing it. I do feel bad for him though. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 the babysitter responsibility has been given to our retired father. So this was imposed to him... Today, he expressed either anxiety or resentment stating to us that he feels that he is being "taken advantage of", and he feels he "shouldn't have to learn these things" and now his whole week is now mapped out whether he has a choice or not. Geezzz this is totally ridiculous.. What exactly in his statement above don't you understand.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 My sister and her husband are on a fixed income and probably can't afford one, plus the issue of a stranger watching their first child is something they would rather not do. They trust my father and he is not elderly, he is only 60. I think he will be fine, he just has to get used to doing it. I do feel bad for him though. The way I explained it to my son was that if he chose to have a child, then he would need to be responsible for it - including child care. If he is a big enough boy to have a kid, then he needs to be a big enough boy to pay for childcare or to provide it himself. Your dad has raised his kids. He doesn't sound as though he wants to raise his grandchild. I don't blame him. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 do you have any other relatives who can help him or give him breaks? This is very important if you want the household to run smoothly. we moved my dad in with us last August, my husband convinced him to do so, as he was retired, was home anyway and it'd be the two of them hanging out. What DH didn't take into consideration was that my dad had to be watched around the clock, all his needs met – sometimes that mean cleaning him up after he soiled himself or calming him down when he got scared and figuring out what to feed him when his roller coaster stomach wouldn't allow for regular meals – on top of watching Daddy die. And it took a huge toll on my husband because it wasn't what he had expected it to be, he was VERY resentful, to a point we were having problems in our marriage and he wanted to get a divorce. your sister might have limited resources, but forcing her baby on your father is not the best option because your dad has his own needs and health to consider. If she could line up others to help split up the care-giving ... AND be there for your dad should he need assurance that he's doing all right ... everyone ends up a winner. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Your sister is being very selfish to expect her retired father (with bad knees) to watch her baby while she works. She needs to either pay someone that wants the job of providing childcare for her baby while she works or one of the baby's parents needs to stay home and take care of it, if they can't afford to pay for childcare. Your parents have already raised their children. Taking care of a baby is very demanding. It's unreasonable to expect the Grandfather to provide full-time childcare while your sister works. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 Absolutely agree with everyone else. Your sister was big enough to make the baby, she's big enough to stay home and look after it, or pay for appropriate child care. It doesn't sound like your father was even asked if wanted the role... Just told he had it? Of course he's resentful. Of course he doesn't want to do it. He's 60, he's retired and it sounds like his health isn't 100%. Why on earth would he want 40 hours of one of the hardest jobs on earth? He's done his child raising. Time your sister did hers... Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I think quank's suggestions deserve another hearing: your sister might have limited resources, but forcing her baby on your father is not the best option because your dad has his own needs and health to consider. If she could line up others to help split up the care-giving ... Throughout the pregnancy our father had showed some trepidation as to who would take care of the baby once she had to go back to work. So, ultimately, the babysitter responsibility has been given to our retired father. Now ... what is wrong with those two statements ? Sounds to me like everyone just assumed that your father would pick up the role & it seems like his consent wasn't sought before your sister decided to have a baby. Bad move. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I'm not a grandfather yet nor retired, but I assure you Turtle that if I was I would be annoyed as hell if one or more of my kids just assumed that I would take on the duties of full-time child care, and I would flat out refuse to do it. Do you assume that just because he's retired that there aren't hobbies and interests he'd rather be doing? I would have no problem watching grandkids on an occasional basis, but to try to thrust this responsibility on your dad is reprehensible and unacceptable. I hope he has the balls to tell your sister not only "no" but "HELL no". Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 He IS being taken advantage of. Things happen and family helps out. But this isnt what he wants to be doing right now - he has said it - and who could blame him????? If he wanted to work or could work - he wouldn't be retured. This is crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 2 big issues : # 1 : He is a Diabetic. They do have diabetic coma and sugar fluctuations which could cause fainting . Who is going to call 911 ?... The baby ? Very bad idea. # 2 :Let Grampa live his retirement shuffeling off to bingo , walks by the lake , fishing , resting , . To put a BRAND NEW baby in the care of someone who is too tired and well elderly its just UNFAIR . Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 if i was grandpa i'd be pizzed.there are programs to assist people who can't afford to pay for day care.worked all his life wants to enjoy his retirement, and got stuck with a full time job he didn't ask for.man, some people got some SERIOUS nerve. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 It really is a shame the OP hasn't come back. Would like to hear more about how this one panned out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurtlePower Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Hi everyone, thanks for all of your insight. I agree with the sentiments that my sister should have put more thought into who will be watching her son, but I'll give you an update. My father is on his second week of babysitting. Overall, he is doing fine. A solid B. I have been home from work for a few days to see how he is making out. Granted there has been some anxious moments for him in the beginning, but nothing too major. The baby is well behaved my dad says as the baby sleeps a good chunk of the day in his arms. The only time there are crying fits is when he's hungry or needs to be changed. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Yeah ok, the baby is fine - I don't think anyone questioned his ability to take care of children. what I wonder about is: how is your father? It seriously sounds like he wasn't given much of a choice in the matter. you do understand why he might feel like he is being taken advantage of, right? It doesn't matter that he's a good caretaker, what matters is that he has a right to decide how he wants to spend his (unpaid) time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TurtlePower Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 He seems to be fine. He told me yesterday that he still has time for his hobbies and he enjoys the one on one time with the baby. I do understand how he originally felt, but those feelings are all gone. I think having a baby around has energised him, he is more upbeat about everything. Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Why aren't you taking over all babysitting duties of your nephew when you're not working? It would give your father a break if all available family members would do that. It isn't right what your sister and her husband did to your father. This should only be a temporary arrangement. Your father deserves the right to enjoy his retirement years doing all of the things that he wants to do, while he is still healthy enough and physically capable of doing them. At his age, the stress of taking care of an infant 40 hours a week could send him to an early grave. Link to post Share on other sites
JeezLouise Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 What's he going to do when this baby is crawling and walking, and he has bad knees? Babies are on the ground a LOT and that is a lot of getting up and getting down and chasing for an older man with bad knees. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 Overall, he is doing fine. A solid B And I give you an A+ for spectacularly missing the point. Well done !! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 And I give you an A+ for spectacularly missing the point. Well done !! This poor man. His life is being ran by a bunch of women. Link to post Share on other sites
Cuppie_Cake Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Poor guy. That have worked most of his life, and when he finally gets to retirement he is being FORCED to watch his grandchild. Yes I say force, because he CAN NOT say no without hearing the backlash of his family. If your sister is having financial hard times why the heck did she allow herself to have a child that SHE was not prepared to take care of?? That was extremely selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
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