Girlfriends diary

[DunnoWhat]

I checked it out and found something I didn't like. In the diary were just peoples birthdays mainly. So all her friends etc were on it but then I saw the name Paul with his birthday marked out. Paul happens to be my GF's ex. They met for sex last year (he's married) and she fell in love with him. He rejected her and told her he loves his wife etc. Then he wanted to visit her and she got very confused. He ended it anyway.

 

This happened before we met (in October). We've been a couple since then. A few weeks ago she told me she loves me and wanted to say it for some time. Now this happens.

 

I mentioned Paul again recently to see if there was another Paul. I asked about him etc and then asked if she knew when his birthday was. She assured me that she only knew his star sign. She told me the star sign. I looked it up and found it matched the date in the diary. So a big fat lie there.

 

I'm frustrated now because I don't trust her and can't bring up the subject. The diary is 09 so while we were a couple she wrote Pauls birthday in it. She said she never even thinks about him. It wasn't an issue until I saw it.

 

So my question is why did she do it? She loves me (or she wouldn't have brought up the subject). Was she just writing in all birthdays she knew? Did she do it to wish him a happy birthday? I need answers. I'm seriously thinking of leaving her now even though we supposedly love each other.

 

Women. Do you ever do harmless things like this?

[samspade]

If you were insecure enough to snoop through her diary to find something that pisses you off, she was probably going to cheat on you sooner or later. So you might as well dump her and learn a lesson from all of this, which is that a man's insecurity greatly influences a woman's propensity to cheat on him.

 

For one thing, why are you dating a woman who met a married man for sex and then fell in love with him? Major red flag.

 

It doesn't matter why she did it, especially not now. And her telling you she loves you doesn't mean anything. What are her actions telling you? They're telling me she still carries a torch for another guy.

 

In any case, you don't trust her, so it's pretty much doomed.

[DunnoWhat]

If you were insecure enough to snoop through her diary to find something that pisses you off, she was probably going to cheat on you sooner or later. So you might as well dump her and learn a lesson from all of this, which is that a man's insecurity greatly influences a woman's propensity to cheat on him.

 

For one thing, why are you dating a woman who met a married man for sex and then fell in love with him? Major red flag.

 

What are her actions telling you? They're telling me she still carries a torch for another guy.

 

Her actions: She talks about a future togethar with me. She want my babies and talks to me for hours online every night. She wanted to tell me she loves me. She doesn't go out much and doesn't drink. Shes not a party person either. She prefers the quiet life. She comes from a loving family too.

 

I'm generally secure and I've reassured her that I trust her. I know what you mean about insecure guys.

 

There are some things I'm looking out for. I've told her that I'll walk away at any time if theres even a hint of cheating. So she knows I mean business.

[samspade]

OK....even though I think you have the right idea, there are still some things wrong with this picture.

 

First, her words are not her actions. Her actions regarding this man are that she had an affair with him, fell in love, and has recently penciled his name in her diary. She can tell you she loves you til the cows come home - words aren't actions.

 

It's great that she isn't a party girl and comes from a strong loving family, but counting the positives does not mean you should discount the negatives. The negatives - the red flags - are why you are here. Saying "on the other hand..." doesn't really cancel anything out that she's done.

 

If you were secure about her and this relationship, you would not be snooping through her diary. The notion that she'd cheat wouldn't even cross your mind. You also wouldn't be delivering threats to her about walking away. This is not how it works, my friend. She should be able to infer - without threats - that you are a strong and secure enough man to walk away if she screws up. If you were as secure as you believe you are, you wouldn't have to say anything, and she would be far less likely to misbehave. I'm not saying she wouldn't misbehave anyway, but knowing you can't control someone's actions is part of being secure. You find out about bad behavior, she's gone.

 

Now, you've compounded the situation by showing your insecurity, and she is probably not going to look at you the same way again. The very fact that she knows you are paranoid (and probably suspects you are snooping) may give her an excuse to cheat on you. All she needs is an opportunity and a reason. The opportunities are always there. Her reason (illogical though it may seem to you) could be her resentment of your lack of trust.

 

Understand that there is no reason for you to be a detective, searching for evidence and asking questions (she'll never give you 100% truth, anyway). The evidence is right in front of you. A woman with high interest level in her man would not even think to do something that would make him suspicious, even if it wasn't cheating. If your GF is acting dodgy and making you suspicious (and you're being logical and not paranoid), then she's not really deserving of you, is she?

[Dexter Morgan]

I checked it out and found something I didn't like. In the diary were just peoples birthdays mainly. So all her friends etc were on it but then I saw the name Paul with his birthday marked out. Paul happens to be my GF's ex. They met for sex last year (he's married) and she fell in love with him. He rejected her and told her he loves his wife etc. Then he wanted to visit her and she got very confused. He ended it anyway.

 

This happened before we met (in October).

 

that may be the case...but this is the type of character in someone that you won't be able to depend on.

[Art_Critic]

Now this happens.

 

 

What happened is you broke the trust in the relationship and now you don't like the harmless thing you found.

 

Do you know your ex's B-day's ?, bet you do. So she wrote it in her diary.. Her diary is for her private thoughts and not for your eyes.

 

I say put on your big boy pants and look at it for what it is.. nothing and just keep going with everything as is.

 

You still can trust her as you didn't find anything bad.. but the key is she can't trust you and she has no idea of that yet

[bluechocolate]

What happened is you broke the trust in the relationship and now you don't like the harmless thing you found.

 

I say put on your big boy pants and look at it for what it is.. nothing and just keep going with everything as is.

 

Pretty much what I would say.

[Phateless]

I checked it out and found something I didn't like. In the diary were just peoples birthdays mainly. So all her friends etc were on it but then I saw the name Paul with his birthday marked out. Paul happens to be my GF's ex. They met for sex last year (he's married) and she fell in love with him. He rejected her and told her he loves his wife etc. Then he wanted to visit her and she got very confused. He ended it anyway.

 

This happened before we met (in October). We've been a couple since then. A few weeks ago she told me she loves me and wanted to say it for some time. Now this happens.

 

I mentioned Paul again recently to see if there was another Paul. I asked about him etc and then asked if she knew when his birthday was. She assured me that she only knew his star sign. She told me the star sign. I looked it up and found it matched the date in the diary. So a big fat lie there.

 

I'm frustrated now because I don't trust her and can't bring up the subject. The diary is 09 so while we were a couple she wrote Pauls birthday in it. She said she never even thinks about him. It wasn't an issue until I saw it.

 

So my question is why did she do it? She loves me (or she wouldn't have brought up the subject). Was she just writing in all birthdays she knew? Did she do it to wish him a happy birthday? I need answers. I'm seriously thinking of leaving her now even though we supposedly love each other.

 

Women. Do you ever do harmless things like this?

 

Dude, this is ALL YOU. Sack up, put down her diary, and trust the girl. Do you mean to tell me you've never ONCE thought about your ex? You are being WAY insecure and controlling.

 

Thought police?

 

You need to be single for a while and work on yourself. This is not healthy.

[samsungxoxo]

Wow why would anyone go through someone's diary?? If he went to check her diary then that's an action of someone that doesn't trust their partner thus meaning there is something not quite well in the relationship.

 

I would get mad if someone read something personal I write.

[anne1707]

My views:

 

She could have got that diary last year and put his birthday in then - ie very, very early days for you so no reflection on how she feels now.

 

As for birth sign - it may be that she can remember this and not the specific date without her diary. So what. Or she just wanted to play it down because it is no longer important to her.

 

The biggest problem is that you went through her diary - that was wrong of you.

[DunnoWhat]

I've read all the comments and see good points being raised. This morning I told her that I trust her 100%. She said she was glad and its important to her that I trust her. The feelings I'm feeling are not healthy and thats why I've decided on a fresh begining.

 

I realise that if I don't trust her or have negative feelings it'll only push her away. I wasn't like this in the begining and I realise now that I seem to have slipped into some sort of comfort zone. I'm going to fix this problem and view this whole episode as a big wake up call which isn't a bad thing.

 

PS, the Paul guy is living in a different country now.

[DunnoWhat]

I looked at her diary because I was bored, locked in a room and it was there.

 

 

First, her words are not her actions. Her actions regarding this man are that she had an affair with him, fell in love, and has recently penciled his name in her diary. She can tell you she loves you til the cows come home - words aren't actions.

 

It's great that she isn't a party girl and comes from a strong loving family, but counting the positives does not mean you should discount the negatives. The negatives - the red flags - are why you are here. Saying "on the other hand..." doesn't really cancel anything out that she's done.

 

If you were secure about her and this relationship, you would not be snooping through her diary. The notion that she'd cheat wouldn't even cross your mind. You also wouldn't be delivering threats to her about walking away. This is not how it works, my friend. She should be able to infer - without threats - that you are a strong and secure enough man to walk away if she screws up. If you were as secure as you believe you are, you wouldn't have to say anything, and she would be far less likely to misbehave. I'm not saying she wouldn't misbehave anyway, but knowing you can't control someone's actions is part of being secure. You find out about bad behavior, she's gone.

 

I agree with that. I've always told her that I judge people by actions and not words. I can only presume that when she got the diary she wrote in all the birthdays she remembered.

 

I'm going to leave it at that and move on now. One thing she does see with me is whenever we have a problem or disagreement it always gets dealt with and I soon return to my normal positive self.

[samspade]

I agree with the others that you shouldn't have snooped, but I think you should consider dumping her. You've done some damage, and if she was behaving in a way that made you legitimately suspicious, perhaps she's not such a great girlfriend. As Dexter said, her prior behavior is probably what keeping you from trusting her. Her hooking up with a married guy sounds sketchy - did these two meet up on Craigslist or something?

 

I think you should at least consider whether your girlfriend is right for you. I sure as hell don't write down ex's birthdays. Why did you check her diary in the first place?

[DunnoWhat]

I agree with the others that you shouldn't have snooped, but I think you should consider dumping her. You've done some damage, and if she was behaving in a way that made you legitimately suspicious, perhaps she's not such a great girlfriend. As Dexter said, her prior behavior is probably what keeping you from trusting her. Her hooking up with a married guy sounds sketchy - did these two meet up on Craigslist or something?

 

I think you should at least consider whether your girlfriend is right for you. I sure as hell don't write down ex's birthdays. Why did you check her diary in the first place?

 

I have no reason not to trust her only with that. I did think about it and it would be crazy to dump her when I don't even know why she done it.

 

I looked at the diary because I had a few hours of boredom to deal with and it was there. Actually there was only doctors appointments and birthday dates etc on it.

 

What it has done is show me that I need to get some hobbies and stop thinking about her. A woman should only be a bonus for you and not the centre of your life.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you were insecure enough to snoop through her diary to find something that pisses you off, she was probably going to cheat on you sooner or later. So you might as well dump her and learn a lesson from all of this, which is that a man's insecurity greatly influences a woman's propensity to cheat on him.

 

alot of times, the insecurity comes from the SO giving them a reason to doubt them. and he had reason and verified it.

 

 

For one thing, why are you dating a woman who met a married man for sex and then fell in love with him? Major red flag.

 

I completely agree there!

 

 

It doesn't matter why she did it, especially not now. And her telling you she loves you doesn't mean anything. What are her actions telling you? They're telling me she still carries a torch for another guy.

 

In any case, you don't trust her, so it's pretty much doomed.

 

Its not doomed because he doesn't trust her....its doomed because she isn't trustworthy.

[whichwayisup]

She may always have some feelings for that guy...Doesn't mean she wants him or is sneaking off to be with him, or talk to him.

 

Let her actions show you the truth.

 

Or, just let her know that you got bored and read her diary. Be upfront and honest about it, tell her sorry that you read it, but now you have some doubts.

[Phateless]

I think this guy did it to himself 100%. He shouldn't have snooped, especially if she's given him no reason to be suspicious. He needs to get some hobbies like he said and not be sooooo insecure.

[lkjh]

For everyone claiming that snooping is so bad can you honestly say you have never snooped into your SO past. Everyone snoops, if you say otherwise you are lying.

[samspade]

A woman should only be a bonus for you and not the centre of your life.

 

You're right of course. And I think Dexter Morgan is right - she must have given you a reason. Seriously, it was just boredom that motivated you? Examine her behavior and think about whether she is showing authentic and unadulterated interest in you. If you truly believe she is not playing any games, then move forward.

[Phateless]

For everyone claiming that snooping is so bad can you honestly say you have never snooped into your SO past. Everyone snoops, if you say otherwise you are lying.

 

I've had the opportunity and chose not to. I knew my ex's email address password, she always left her phone lying around, etc. I never looked because I didn't want to. I figured that there is always something you can misinterpret. I chose to have trust and not stress myself out.

 

Everyone does not snoop. People who are insecure, paranoid, childish, and controlling snoop. Not everyone.

[blind_otter]

For everyone claiming that snooping is so bad can you honestly say you have never snooped into your SO past. Everyone snoops, if you say otherwise you are lying.

 

I admit that yes, I have snooped in the past - but it was a stupid idea and I felt like an insecure idiot the entire time I was doing it.

 

So, while I have snooped in the past, I can still honestly say that snooping IS, in fact, BAD.

[samsungxoxo]

For everyone claiming that snooping is so bad can you honestly say you have never snooped into your SO past. Everyone snoops, if you say otherwise you are lying.

 

Yes I can honestly say I have never snooped into my boyfriend's things. I dunno, I'm never curious. I just go by what he says and trust him. If he breaks that trust then his problem, it would be over right away.

 

And no I'm not lying. I have never checked his stuff.

[Javelin]

I'm going to chime in.

 

You shouldn't have snooped, period. So her diary read, '09?' Yet, she could have definitely bought it in 2008. I can prove it, because my girlfriend was looking for a planner last year and found a few marked, '2009.' That said, writing in a diary could be completely innocent. Especially if you stated that she was seeing this guy last year.

 

However, she's not off the hook yet!

 

She was consciously involved with guy, knowing out-right, that he is married. Like everyone said, this is the main issue that you should be worried about and Honestly; I would never involve myself with anyone capable of having an affair. It's far too risky to even consider it, but don't get me wrong though, you have a 50/50 chance with this girl. You can either give it a shot or run for the hills.

 

So we laid the cards on the table for you; it's now up to you to play them correctly.

[DunnoWhat]

I'm going to chime in.

 

You shouldn't have snooped, period. So her diary read, '09?' Yet, she could have definitely bought it in 2008. I can prove it, because my girlfriend was looking for a planner last year and found a few marked, '2009.' That said, writing in a diary could be completely innocent. Especially if you stated that she was seeing this guy last year.

 

However, she's not off the hook yet!

 

She was consciously involved with guy, knowing out-right, that he is married. Like everyone said, this is the main issue that you should be worried about and Honestly; I would never involve myself with anyone capable of having an affair. It's far too risky to even consider it, but don't get me wrong though, you have a 50/50 chance with this girl. You can either give it a shot or run for the hills.

 

So we laid the cards on the table for you; it's now up to you to play them correctly.

 

Cheers. When did your GF see the 09 diaries?

 

Some background info - Before we got togethar we were talking for a while and she was very confused at the time because she said she loved him but said she was angry with herself for letting the situation happen. She said all her friends warned her against it too. She was 20 at the time and by herself in a different country when she met him.

[Island Girl]

Cheers. When did your GF see the 09 diaries?

 

I was in sales for a major Diary company for years.

 

09 Diaries came out late fall of 08 just like calendars.