I've got "pre-wedding" jitters

[striving]

Hi there,

 

I'm engaged to be married in 7 weeks time. This is the third time that my fiancee and I have set a wedding date. The first two times I pulled out of getting married because I had the pre-wedding jitters quite badly. My fiancee has a sense of peace about marrying me and says she just 'knows' that I'm the right one for her. To me, she is a very beautiful woman. She is intellignet and caring, and has similar values and beliefs to myself which we cherish. She comes from quite a different background and culture to me, and sometimes I find this quite hard to cope with.

 

I love her, but in my heart I don't have a sense of peace about getting married. I've been asking many married couples about how they felt before getting married. Most of them, but not all, say that they had a 'sense of knowing' that the relationship would be alright and that they were making the right decision in marrying the person they did. When I say most of the married couples I've spoken to say they had a sense of peace, they certainly all didn't. A couple of them didn't have strong feelings about this either way but they seemed to be very compatable with their partner and it seemed quite logical and sensible to marry. Now after being married they are very happy with their choice.

 

The first part of the delimma is that, that I don't have a "sense of peace" or "sense of knowing" that my fiancee is the right person to marry. I have concerns about the relationship which centre around our family, cultural and communication differences which we have been working on strongly in counselling. We have been together now for about 18months and it has been a pretty 'rocky' relationship. Three times we have broken up in that time, usually for only a couple of days at a time. Once for 4 weeks. One of my beliefs now, is that feelings are fickle. They can change and sway like trees in the wind. I know this because I had a depressive episode about three years ago. In that I learnt not to trust my feelings too much, because they really can be quite deceiving.

 

So the question comes, should I marry this woman on the basis that it seems like quite the logical thing to do? She has all the qualities that I believe would make a great wife. She really loves me and is committed to me 100%. Or, should I break the relationship off, and wait till God brings another woman along where I have that sense of peace and sense of knowing about getting married.?

 

Also, another spanner that gets thrown into the works is that I have an anxiety disorder. From time to time I have trouble with panic attacks, and also depression, both of which my fiancee is well aware of. On the previous two times that we have set a date for a wedding, I have had panic attacks shortly after the dates were set and broke off the relationship. It is very hard for me to understand what the cause of this panic was. Was it because this is the wrong woman to marry? Or was it simply general anxiety and jitters before getting married? These are question I've thought about long and hard and talked to counsellors about but not come up with any solid decisions on. I do know however, that with 7weeks coming up to our wedding day now, my anxiety is climbing severely and I am really confused about what to do. I love this woman and really love being with her, but getting married scares the crap out of me. If I don't get married I'm scared that I will miss out on my one chance of marrying a fantastic woman and end up with someone who really doesn't love me or is committed to me. Also, without my fiancee I know life will turn back to being very cold and lonely, a place I really don't want to go back to again.

 

Please help. Words of advice and prayer are really needed.!

 

Thanks heaps

[striving]

Hi again,

 

Forgot to mention that I need some replies on this ASAP. And heaps of them please.!

 

Currently my fiancee and I are having a week apart for us to really make sure that we are making the right decision about getting married without the distractions of communication, and physical touch with each other. We are individually seeking the right decision. We are half way through our week and get back together in 3 1/2 days to decide once and for all. That is the time I have available to make this decision. Whether to marry, or not to marry.

 

Please help.

 

Striving

[befuddled1]

It's a good thing that you're really taking this seriously, and thinking things through. So many people just jump into marriage and never pay any mind to any 'second thoughts' they may be having, which might be part of the reason that so many marriages end in divorce.

 

I think we need to learn to trust our instincts. Perhaps your past anxiety attacks, after the date had been set, was really just your instinct and intuition telling you that things weren't right, and that a) this isn't the person you're meant to marry or b) if she is, it's not the right time.

 

If you've only been together 18 months and a lot of that time has been "rocky", as you admit, then why the rush to get married?

 

Is she pressuring you to get married?

 

Did she propose? Did you? Did she make you feel pressured to do so? How long into your relationship did SHE start talking about marriage?

Who was the first one to bring it up?

 

I get the impression that maybe she's been pressuring you??

 

You're very wise in knowing that marriage isn't something that you enter into lightly. You're also very wise for questioning your concerns and doubts. Give yourself credit for that.

 

I see from your profile info, that you're 29......how old is she?

 

What is YOUR past relationship history like? Have you been in any/many long term relationships? Are there any common issues throughout your past relationships?

 

What about with her? What's her past relationship history like?

 

You mention that the fact that she comes from a different background and culture being a concern for you.......how so? Can you elaborate?

 

So whose idea was it to have this week apart to make the decision as to whether to marry? It sounds like you feel very pressured.....like you now have only 3.5 days to make the biggest decision of your life? WHO/WHAT is making you feel so pressured?? Is it HER?

 

Would you be getting married in a church? Can you go and talk to the pastor/minister/priest who'd be marrying you, to discuss your concerns? I'm sure someone from a church would be happy to sit and talk with you......

 

I DO personally feel (I'm divorced) that if a couple is meant to be married, if they're right for each other, that they WILL feel a sense of peace about making the decision to marry. I think it only makes SENSE that there SHOULD be a sense of peace..........don't you?

 

I think if you have any doubts or second thoughts or concerns, you shouldn't dismiss them......you should take note of them....and not ALLOW yourself to be pressured into making one of the most significant decisions of your life. Are you feeling that if you tell her you're just not ready to do this now, you will lose her?

 

Again, is she making you feel pressured?

 

I have a hard time understanding why the date was changed several times in the past, when you're feeling this way........unless she's been pressuring you all along to get married. Again, WHO is the one who proposed?

 

Lastly, pray about it. Ask God to give you some wisdom and insight on whether marrying this woman is the right thing to do (or, right thing to do NOW). Ask God to give you a sense of peace about WHAT you should do. However, God may NOT answer your question in 3.5 days, he doesn't always work according to our timeline. Why can't you just take the time you need, to make this decision? It's the biggest decision you're going to make......don't feel pressured to make it.

[shyguy]

I'm getting married next week, and I understand what you are going through. I've been suffering from pre-wedding jitters for a similar amount of time, and I also suffer from depression.

 

I realised that it's the wedding that I'm scared of, not the marriage. The wedding is one day in my life, and I spent (and do spend) time worrying about that one day. I have a very understanding fiancee who has helped me through the worry, and she's willing to accept that she's made a couple of decisions regarding the day that are a major part of my worry. But she also knows that if I wasn't worrying about those things, I'd be hung up on something else. So she's being as supportive as she can.

 

I also have a very good friendship with my ex-gf, who (after living together for 5 years) has a pretty good idea of what makes me tick, and can offer constructive advice on how to tackle things. I count myself very lucky to have this friendship. (we parted because we both realised that the relationship was destructive as it was. It was the right decision, because I've now gained a real friend, as has she).

 

Anyway I've discovered that the vast majority of my jitters have come from misunderstanding, paranoia and general nerves. I'm looking forward to being married. I personally would have been just as happy eloping, or having a 2 witness ceremony somewhere, as I don't like all the fuss, and general over-the-top stuff that goes on. We have brought it down a bit to something a bit more sedate, but it's a lot bigger than I am comfortable with.

 

So I'm finding that what I have to do is focus on the fact that it's the marriage that I'm looking forward to, and that the wedding is something that I have to endure to get there (a bit like having to climb mount everest, just to get to the top.)

 

The question is, are you afraid of the wedding, or the marriage?

 

If it's the former, then let your intended know that, so that she doesn't think othewise.

If it's the latter then you need to work out what you are afraid of, see if it's something that you can rectify through counselling, or if you really feel that you don't want to marry this girl, then it's better to call a halt now before the consequences are much greater. I'm sure (though not certain) that most girls would prefer to be jilted than to be divorced 2 years into a marriage, if that were the choice.

 

However, the key to this is COMMUNICATION. Talk to your fiancee at great length about your fears. She may be as nervous as you. If you can't communicate now, then it will make the marriage so much more difficult than it needs to be, and may ultimately end in divorce. If you communicate, it might not prevent it in all cases, but you'll be able to help each other through the difficulties that lie ahead, and give your marriage a better chance of working.

 

Whether to marry or not, is not something that anyone can tell you. That will need to come from within

 

Hope that helps

[ArdeaCandidissima]

I saw two themes in your post that are important:

 

I have concerns about the relationship which centre around our family, cultural and communication differences

 

and

 

I have an anxiety disorder. From time to time I have trouble with panic attacks, and also depression

 

It's quite possible that your anxiety and depression are the sole cause of the severe jitters you are facing, but it is also possible that they are just adding to a fundamental sense of unfitness in this marriage. It is normal to feel nervous about the wedding ceremony, which is a big fancy party where the spotlight is on you and all the weird relatives are lurking to see how they can stir the pot, but I don't really think that many thoughtful people go through with a ceremony when the thought of MARRIAGE is making them melt down internally.

 

You mention feelings being untrustworthy. I see your point, but we must step carefully here. I agree that every passing mood or twinge should not be allowed to alter the course of your life. However, to live a satisfying life, you must really learn to understand and acknowledge what you want, and that will be strongly based on feelings - the durable kind, such as for example your feelings of love.

 

You mention only two alternatives: 1) get married now, knowing that your whole head is screaming "NO", or 2) break off a great relationship with a woman you truly love. I suggest a third alternative: remain attached, but delay the wedding and put ALL your energies into working on your anxiety and depression. You will probably need to find a new counselor and take (or change) your anti-depressants. I would give it 6-12 months. Your fiancee loves you and will wait this time, I am sure. Make SURE that you are making quick progress with an excellent counselor, or keep changing until you get someone who can help.

 

One final thing: have you tried to piece apart your anxiety to see what it's really made of? This can be a helpful strategy to really understand if it is fundamental or chemistry-induced. For example, you mention cultural differences. Cultural differences are not an inherent problem - I know many successful marriages with extreme cultural and language differences. Try putting that vague fear into statements like, "I am worried she will not want to celebrate important holidays the same way I do", "I am worried that her relatives will embarass me when we go out together", or whatever the case may be. Then work on these with yourself, your fiancee and your counselor.

 

For you to even keep functioning through depression and anxiety is terrific. I believe you will make the right choices here. You do have my prayers, and keep us posted.

[striving]

Hello ArdeaCandidissima,

 

Thank you for your posting. Yes I agree that it is quite possible that my anxiety and depression are the sole cause of the severe jitters. Because of the depression it seems awefully hard to differentiate between actual unertainty of getting married, and of anxiety related to it. One thing for certain is, I'm not at all afraid of the actual ceremony and the day, but more of what the maraiage commitment entails.

 

Your comments on "but I don't really think that many thoughtful people go through with a ceremony when the thought of MARRIAGE is making them melt down internally." makes a lot of sense to me. That's how I feel the day will turn out. I feel that I will simply melt down, not because of the actually, but because of the commitment, and a lifetime of hardwork that I believe the marriage is going to entail.

 

You mentioned a 3rd alternative to the delimma; "remain attached, but delay the wedding and put ALL your energies into working on your anxiety and depression". This is a good idea, and one worth strongly thinking about. However, this is what we have done twice in the relationship before. The first time we didn't really talk about this in great detail, but I did begin work in counselling. The second time we headed for marriage and I began to fall apart, this is exactly what we did. We both decided to put things on hold and enter counselling together until I resolved my fears and would again aim for marriage. When my fear alleviated, we again set a date for marriage. However, about two weeks after setting the date, the fear set back in again. It started when I was on a trip away for a week and had time to think about the situation. I got scared after about only three days of being away. I still cannot determine what my real thoughts behind the fears are. The main ones that come up are: "I fear that she will kill me emotionally in the long run if we marry". "I fear that my depression will re-occur and be real trouble in the relationship and family." "I fear that my fiancee does not have the skills and understanding of depression to help me through the tough times when things go sour." "I also fear that I will not be able to be there for her when she need me most."

 

With regards to cultural differences, "I fear that I will not get on with her family well". and "I am worried that she will not understand my culture well and try and fit into that". My fiancee is originally from Germany and I struggle with the overly logical thinking that at times I feel really overpowers me emotionally. I often feel presured by her, even though that may not be her intentions at all.

 

Thank you for your encouragement in your post.

 

striving

[niko1999]

Ok,let me ask you this, since yo seem to fal apart whenver the time gets near. DId your parents get divorced? Were there a lot of divorces in your family in general? Did a lot of your freinds parents growing up get divorced? Becuase it sounds like this is a root to the problem, if there were a lot of divorces. Did you see a lot of abandomnemt during growing up? This is kind of what it sounds like actually. Geez, look at me go, and I dont even have my psych degree yet. This may Anyway, its normal to be anxiuos both about the wedding itself, and married life. Especially fi you guys havent lived together prior to marraige. But what it sounds like , is your afraid that youre going to hit a bad spot in your life, and when you do, there is not going to be anyone there for you, especially the one person who should be there for you for the rest of your life, your wife.

 

Just becuase a fear or depression has seem to alleviated, it does not necessarily mean that it is gone. It takes time to get over these things, you dont just wake up one day and literally be better, though you may FEEL better, and think everyting is ok again, and then when something happens, youre right back to where you started, right at step one with the anxiety and all. And another thing, we dont know for sure taht someone is always going to be there for us. We just like to think that they will, and as far as being afraid that your (future) wife will not be, you wont know, until you try. And if she is as strong as a person as she seems to be, becuase she seems to ahve been able to handle putting off this wedding a couple of times already, and she is STILL standing by you, chances are, she is going to continue to stand by you, even more so when you are married.

 

So go into it with that in mind, thus far she has stuck by your side faithfully, and it seems she will continue to stick by your side faithfully. And while I agree with everyone else that you need to get help and cousiling for your anxiety, I will tlel you this. Just becuase you start to feel better, and everything is starting to go well, does not mean you can stop taking meds or seeing yoru counseler. Do not do that until they have literally released you from thier care, becuase then thye will know when YOU are ready. You feel the effects of a anti depressent drug, but the phychologist has the unbiased opinion, and can tell you when you are getting better. sometimes, in this life, we need someone to take us by the hand, and help us out. So if I were you, I would go back, continue with getting help, continue on with the marraige as stated, and continue again with the help. Best of luck to you and I know everything will work out ok. Just remember what I said

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Hi striving -

 

You've got some excellent material to work on here. I see this as very positive because you are able to partially articulate your fears. Please let me respond:

 

"I fear that she will kill me emotionally in the long run if we marry".

 

Can you dig down one level deeper? What does "kill emotionally" mean? There is something about the wording of this that gives me the idea it may be irrational and hence, liable to dissipate when your mood improves.

 

"I fear that my depression will re-occur and be real trouble in the relationship and family."

 

A very rational fear, since depression can recur and untreated or poorly treated depression is amazingly destructive of family relationships. What steps can you take, or are you taking, to prevent recurrence? You have a program of healthful living that sounds very good - are you fully satisified with it? Can you put any more features into it to strengthen it further, say, perhaps, a standing quarterly checkup with a mental health professional?

 

"I fear that my fiancee does not have the skills and understanding of depression to help me through the tough times when things go sour."

 

Another reasonable thought. What does your rational evaluation say? Has she read the books and does she understand them? What can you do to help her increase her skills? Is she willing? Does she share your understanding of this problem?

 

"I also fear that I will not be able to be there for her when she needs me most."

 

Need a little more digging on this one. Does she have special needs, and how well do you meet her needs? Does SHE worry about you meeting her needs? How have you done so far, with her and others who have relied on you? What can you do to improve the chances that you will be there when she needs you?

 

"I fear that I will not get on with her family well".

 

Perhaps. How have relations been so far? Do they live close? How important to you is it to get on well? What can you do to improve relations?

 

"I am worried that she will not understand my culture well and try and fit into that"

 

It seems that over 18 months, you would know the answer to this one pretty well. I would imagine that she will continue to fit into your culture as she has been doing. Is there something that is coming up to change that?

 

"[Her] overly logical thinking at times really overpowers me emotionally."

 

Have you talked to her about this? Is this a conversational style, or is she bent on hammering her own point home to the detriment of your feelings? (Sounds like me, actually.) Are your feelings or preferences getting lost or swamped? Do you just worry that they MAY be swamped?

 

Are you working RIGHT NOW with a counselor to get these issues out on the table so you can deal with them? No stress, but you don't have a lot of time.

 

(BTW - I have some experience with super-fast, time-directed counselling. When I was 7 months pregnant, I feared a recurrence of postpartum depression that was so severe when I had my first child, so I got an appt quick with a psychologist and told her that I had a goal and a timetable. It worked great. We focussed only on the specific issues relevant to PPD, I got some medication, and after my second was born, I did beautifully.)

 

Good luck, and keep us posted.