DJMarky Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Do you need to forgive/become indifferent about your ex to get over them? I sometimes dwell on what she did to me during our relationship, not just the cheating, but the manipulation during and after it, the lying to everyone about us, just everything and it gets me so angry. I think about how I was telling everyone how much I loved this girl and how happy I was. I look like the biggest fool to everyone. This is the first relationship I was like, wow I really love this girl and didn't care who knew about it. Usually I would have the attitude that I didn't care if I was with the girl either way, and would prefer to go surfing or skating with my mates than hang out with her, but not this time. It just infuriates me. I am so angry at her for what she did to me, and at myself for putting up for it, ignoring the warning signs and opening myself up. I went into facebook then to delete every message she had sent me, and just seeing the tiny picture of her profile (I can't view her profile as I deleted her from my friends list) made my heart race to about 1000 bpm. WTF is wrong with me .. I haven't seen this girl for 3 months, denied her any opportunity to get back with me, refused to see her, haven't had any form of contact for a month, everything. It is what I wanted, so why the hell am I still so hung up about it? Is it because I am harbouring these feelings? Should I just let it all go and accept it for what it was, accept that we had good times but ultimately it would have never worked and let it be. I think this anger that keeps showing it's head is what is holding me back. I want to be indifferent. I want to go, 'that is the person she is, there is nothing I could've done about it, let her do what she wants, it's all history - enjoy life'. Then there are times I actually miss her! WHY!? I am getting much better, but I do have times where these emotions come up and I feel like I am unable to control them. They aren't to the point anyone around me will notice, but my stomach from time to time does somersaults. Any suggestions on the best way to become indifferent and let the past be the past? I know there is no point dwelling on it, yet I can't help it. Oh well writing this helped me. I guess stick to NC and let time do the healing? Link to post Share on other sites
sucker4ya07 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Oh believe me I know exactly what feelings you are describing. And believe me, they will go away. But there really isn't any sure fire way of dealing with them...the truth is it just takes time. And most of the time, it takes a lot more time than we would like it to. I went through intense emotional ups and downs 4 years ago when I broke up with my then bf of 3.5 years. It took me a good 9 months or so to just get the emotional roller coaster under control...and a good year and a half until I could honestly say I knew it was for the best. But it took me 2.5-3 years to finally get to a place emotionally where I had worked through all of the hurt, anger, insecurities he had left me with...and could honestly, completely invest myself in another person. I feel for you, because my ex treated me horribly after our break up, and there were other girls involved. and it was just messy. And you want to hold on to that anger, you tell yourself...WTF, this person clearly isn't who I thought they were, everything we had was a lie...etc etc. I hated my ex for ruining what we had. I felt that how he handled the end was completely disrespectful of the relationship we had built together. I resented him for taking away my faith in love and my ability to trust...etc etc. And I really felt for a long time that our relationship had been a big lie. Now I look back on it and know that...no, the end isn't a reflection of your entire relationship. Just because we ended badly, and he made bad choices, doesn't mean he never cared. But you really just have to get to that point of indifference before you can see everything for what it really is/was. And sometimes to get there, you have to give into the anger first. Good luck with all of it...I hope it gets easier for you soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Sonic_chaos Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 The first time i used this forum, it was my previous girlfriend that had dumped me, And all i felt was anger. She was also the first girlfriend i could honest say was my first love. But all i felt at the end was shear hate. I hated her with a passion for how she had treated me. After going no contact and just getting on with my life. i never spoke of her again. In fact i had a job remembering her name. BUT around 4 weeks later after the break up i went on holiday with my parents. That helped alot.. Just being around them, felt like i could forget her. After i came back, i made a promise to myself that i would forget her and move on, and went on one of these dating sites. Thats where i met my ex and i had never looked back from then till my recent break up. All the feelings your feeling i felt. But i felt it was easier to hate someone because i wasnt ment to be treated like that. So it helped me forget her faster. Granted it was only a 4 month relationship and there was no sexual activity that took place, so there wasnt really a strong emotional bond like my previous ex. I think this is what im finding the toughest at the moment. I cant hate her for how she felt. no matter how hard i try. because apart from handle it badly she didnt do anything strictly wrong.. I did try talkin to her on msn a few weeks after i came back off holiday and she did try the soft touch approach with me, but i snubbed it out and then blocked her from then on. That i dont want to do with my last ex as i am so heartbroken with losing her because of my damn stupid other things that took priorty over her.. things would be completely different if i get that second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 After awhile you get sick of being angry and depressed and you still think of you ex but it's just like a blur to me. I honesty feel nothing towards my ex fiancé and If she were to contact me and wanted to be friends I'd be ok with it that's how I've come. Yes she a cheating skank, and ripped my heart out but I'm passed hating loving worrying what she's doing when you get to that point it's like nothig can phase you. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted April 21, 2009 Share Posted April 21, 2009 Do you need to forgive/become indifferent about your ex to get over them? I don't think so. To become indifferent is to pretty much careless. I became indifferent when I got over XMM and I did not forgive him. jJust stopped caring and moved on. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Marina09 Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 I have the same exact question that you have. I have pretty good days when I feel happy and enjoy life, but then I have these days or moments where I just wish all of this never happen, and we were still together, having fun together, kissing him, going out, loving each other. Oh God I miss him so much!!! I know I have to be strong and move on and look forward but I hate the fact that he ruined our relationship, I mean it wasn't perfect but it was good. I'm sure it was not meant to be, but I just think it wasn't the right way to handle it and it was definitely not the best time, I was so much in love with him, I still am!!! There are days that I forget about him for some time, but he always comes back, and all that he said, and everything we had and accomplished together. This break up thing is so hard, and knowing that he has a new girlfriend makes it 100 times worst. The only thing I know is that we have a lot to live, and all this is gonna go away and we're gonna have a good life again, I just live day by day knowing this is temporary and the pain will stop and I'll be completely happy. I think we just have to hold this pain like we would a headache and sooner or later it would go away. We have to be strong!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DJMarky Posted April 22, 2009 Author Share Posted April 22, 2009 Thanks guys. This site is a saviour. There is only so much my friends can take. They think I am over her, and will roll their eyes if I mention her. Least I know I have the ability to really care. I guess I will ride it out. I was thinking that it would never end because of all this anger, I just want to yell at her. The fact she was offended I didn't want to contact her, what the **** bitch, how do you think I can possibly be friends with you after everything you did? Oh well, hopefully it will subside with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebird In My Heart Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 It happened to me somewhere after I realized the the tears became beautiful thing, a right thing... That you have the ability to care is a beautiful, right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
sjml251 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Sorry about the emo-rollercoaster stuff; it totally sucks! I'm going through the same kind of stuff right now and it is such a drag. I hate that my mind jumps to my ex so many random times in a day, I just want to be over it!!!! I go from mad to sad, mad to sad - just back and forth.....all I really want is to not think about him at all. And that same conflicting feeling is there - I basically cannot stand this person and the way they have treated me yet I miss them so much it hurts - its just infuriating. Most days I feel pretty good but I still think about him EVERY DAY (so annoying) and it usually takes me back to this frustrating melancholy place. All I can say is that I hope sucker4ya07 is right and this will really go away eventually, because sometimes it feels like I'm going to be lugging this 1,000 lb emotional weight around forever - I'll never be able to date others in this condition and the thought of actually having a full-fledged relationship with someone else seems so impossibly far away - rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! You are not alone, my friend, you are not alone....... Link to post Share on other sites
gutted1 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Your situation sounds pretty much exactly the same as mine. I carry the burden of memories and feelings for my ex gf around with me everyday and i can honestly say that its ruining my quality of life, ive been feeling like this for 8 months now and i hate it. . Then i had the problem of someone i know unwittingly takes my ex out on a date and then he finds out she is my ex because she sat there talking about me !! and some of the total crap she came out with distressed me so much i ended up back in the doctors again!! Then again she couldnt exactly tell him the truth about our relationship because being a cheating whore that infected me with clymidia isnt exactly a great advert is it!! I feel so trapped and haunted by her i honestly dont know how much more i can take, i hate thinking about her, it hurts. i just cant seem to escape from it though. In the past when i have been dumped i go NC and every time the only way i get rid of the tension and break free is when the girl breaks NC and contacts me its like a massive weight lifts, its like the situation ends. the sad thing with my current hell of a situation is that the ex in question is awful and i dont think i'l ever hear from her again so i 'm just trying to ride it out Dude your situation is the same as so many people, seek salvation in your friends and family. Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 when i saw my ex for first time in a over a year, we chatted, she didnt really want to talk to me incase i had a go at her, and guess what. i had a go at her, let her feel like **** for what and how she treated me after we split. million bricks being lifted off my shoulder. still miss her though, just got rid of all the anger, i knew id never let it go if i never had my say, thats just me. Link to post Share on other sites
gutted1 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 when i saw my ex for first time in a over a year, we chatted, she didnt really want to talk to me incase i had a go at her, and guess what. i had a go at her, let her feel like **** for what and how she treated me after we split. million bricks being lifted off my shoulder. still miss her though, just got rid of all the anger, i knew id never let it go if i never had my say, thats just me. Maybe thats what i need to do ??? Did she show remorse ? Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Maybe thats what i need to do ??? Did she show remorse ? she didnt apologize. she ran off crying when i said "i thought it was ****ing dry how you went off with him after knowing him for 3 weeks and i stuck with you for 3 years" so yeh, the truth hurts. i think it made her realize what she had put me through ever since then i havnt had one dream about being angry at her or shouting etc. but you will still miss them. Link to post Share on other sites
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