My journal of trying to imrove my life (watch how things always go wrong for me)

[Ross PK]

It's as though life is in control of me instead of me being in control of it, it's like everything always works against me all the time, and this topic will be proof of that.

 

Anyway, the way my life is right now, is that I hate where I'm living, and I don't want to live with my mum for the rest of my life, so I want to try and change things.

 

So this will be a journal, of me trying to do that, and everything always going wrong for me.

 

So, the first thing is, is that I'm going to make an appointment with the doctor for next month, and see if I can start seeing a therapist again, for support and to try and help me achieve what I want to achieve, and to help me cope with life along the way.

 

I did get a car, because I thought it would help me to get out more (which it has done), and it would enable me to get a job in an area which is really far away that I could eventually move to, but I'm always making really dumb mistakes and nearly ending up in a crash, it's turned out that I'm not actually enjoying driving at all, it's making me feel depressed. I don't even know what I'm doing when it comes to anything more complex than a single road and a set of traffic lights. So that means it's unlikely that I'll ever be able to travel far to a job in an area that I want to move too. It also means that it's probably a good idea if I just give up driving, I know for a fact if I carry on I'm going to have a crash and it'll be my fault (it'll be a really dumb mistake that I made), just you watch, I'll be posting about it in this topic.

 

I'll keep the car until I see my therapist and see what he thinks.

[josie54]

Hi Ross,

 

Just a note of caution--we often see what we look for. You see everything that goes wrong. But do you see what goes right?

 

Do you notice when you order a dish at a restaurant and it's good, or do you only notice when someone gets your order wrong? Do you notice when it's a sunny day and beautiful? Or do you only notice when it rains?

 

Do you notice when someone holds the door open for you as you walk into a building? Or do you only notice when an elevator door closes before you reach it?

 

Do you notice when your favorite television show comes on, when you're driving and the lights turn green or the bus came just when you needed it, when your electricity is on, your computer works? Do you notice the fact that there are stores that sell just what you need when you need it? Do you notice the flowers outside your door? Do you notice that there are libraries and museums and parks there for your use? Or do you only notice when the electricity goes out, the lights are red, and the library is closed?

 

For your journal experiment to be truly a reflection of your life, I suggest you keep two journals--the one that you describe here (where you want to prove how things go wrong), and one where you must list at least five things every day that went right, whether it's that it was a nice day or that your cereal tasted good or that you read an interesting article in the paper.

 

You might find that more is going right for you than you might think. I don't know how old you are, but if you're just starting to drive or are coming back to it after a long time, you have to realize that your experience is not unique. EVERYONE is nervous about driving until they drive enough to develop a sense of the car, the road, and other drivers. It takes cautious PRACTICE. It took me at least a yeara to feel comfortable driving in my small home town. And then I moved to a larger city, and then it took me at least a year before I felt safe driving more than just the roads around my school.

 

I hope that you will work (with or without a therapist) on conquering your negative thinking, because I do think that it's true that we will fulfill our own expectations, more often than not. If we think things are going to go wrong, they inevitably will. In fact, I expect if you keep talking about crashing your car, we'll be reading about such an incident in your journal very soon.

 

Worse yet, perhaps we'll be reading about how you gave up driving because you were too fearful to continue practicing enough to reach your comfort level. And then you'll be wondering why life never works out so that you can go anywhere--even though life led you to a car and you decided not to take it up on the offer.

 

If you just assume that you'll take driving slowly, and eventually become more comfortable with it until you can drive farther distances and feel safer, I expect to hear that you eventually come to like the freedom and possibility that comes with being able to go where you want to go, when you want to go there.

 

Good luck with your journal!

[Ross PK]

I do notice when things go right, but they're always small things (which I still do really appreciate), like your favorite TV show coming on.

 

It's the really big things in life, the things that really matter, that never seem to go right.

[Ross PK]

If we think things are going to go wrong, they inevitably will. In fact, I expect if you keep talking about crashing your car, we'll be reading about such an incident in your journal very soon.

 

I never used to think like this, yet these things still happened, which made me come to the realisation that I have now.

[josie54]

What things have happened?

 

Keep in mind that these things happen to everyone....I have crashed my car before (but I kept driving). I have been let go from a job before (but I found another job I like MUCH more). I studied a subject in school that I didn't like all that much (but I'm now going back to school to study something I like better). I got myself WAY into debt when I was younger (but I cut back and paid it off over three years--even after a car repair put me back $1,100 into debt). I once broke my nose trying to fix something in my home myself (to save money) and ended up spending $1,000 on surgery to fix it. But I healed, my bank account grew once again.

 

My mother died of skin cancer. Another good friend died way too young from breast cancer. These are bad things....they happen to everyone, all the time. It's called LIFE.

 

Be sure you're not feeling unfairly persecuted by life! Lost jobs, wrong turns, accidents, and even death happen to everyone. Whether or not "things always go wrong" doesn't always depend on the circumstance itself, but what you do in response that makes it positive or negative.

 

What has made you feel that "everything goes wrong" for you?

[bluechocolate]

I'll keep the car until I see my therapist and see what he thinks.

 

Get yourself some driving lessons & ask the instructor to take you on more challenging roads.

 

That's what I would tell you, then again, I'm not a therapist.

[Ross PK]

What things have happened?

 

What has made you feel that "everything goes wrong" for you?

 

I don't even know where to begin to try and explain.

 

I know some people have crashed their car before, but it's obviously something that will always keep happening to me, and it'll be my fault and because of me doing something really really dumb, which will make people who see it think 'Wtf?'.

[Ross PK]

I'll keep the car until I see my therapist and see what he thinks.

 

Get yourself some driving lessons & ask the instructor to take you on more challenging roads.

 

That's what I would tell you, then again, I'm not a therapist.

 

I've thought about taking an advanced course, but I'm not convinced it's going to stop me from doing really dumb things mistakes on the road. So I'm thinking is it even worth it, because it will cost a lot of money, money that I can't even really afford.

[Ross PK]

Anyway, I'll tell you guys about the latest thing that's happened while I was driving.

 

It was yesterday, I was at a crossing, with two lanes. I wanted to go ahead, the left lane had an arrow pointing to the left, and the right lane has an arrow pointing ahead and to the right.

 

So for some reason I went into the left lane! Then, instead of thinking like any normal person 'okay I'll turn left and do this again, or go home a different way', I paniked, noticing how the traffic to the right of me was going ahead and how I must be in the wrong lane, and that if I go forawrds while someone to the right of me is moving forwards, there'll be a collsion, and I thought I'll have to wait until there is no one at the side of me.

 

It was as though I was oblivious to the fact that I could turn left and try it again or go home a different way, it was as though I was thinking I 'had' to still try and go ahead.

 

Anyway, so because of me paniking and focusing on the trafffic to the right of me, I must've forgot to look to traffic coming from the left, and when I went across I looked to the left and saw a car coming towards me, the had to slow down quickly. Now my mum was in the back and if that car came into the side of me it could've been dangerous for her, and plus I'd look like a complete embicile (as if I didn't already).

[Lostgurl]

The title says it all. If you are going to be successful in improving your life, you have to think positive.

 

If you know you are going to fail, you are only setting yourself up for it.

[Ross PK]

See, this sort of thing shouldn't happen. This sort of thing doesn't happen to normal people.

[josie54]

Again, Ross, what you describe is something that happens to everyone. We take wrong turns, we get confused in traffic, we merge into the wrong lanes. And because you choose to view all this stuff as somehow "not normal," you probably consciously or subconsciously do silly things just to prove to yourself that you are truly cursed.

 

Not to mention the fact that nothing bad really happened. Nothing bad at all. You kept the car going and you and your mom went home. End of story. The other drivers thought about you for all of the five seconds it took for you to leave their line of sight. I can only imagine what it would do to you psychologically if something bad actually happened to you--an injury, a fire, a bankruptcy, a death. You wouldn't be able to handle it. Or maybe, it would actually give you some perspective on what "bad" really means.

 

You've just decided to perceive everything as "wrong" and make it all about you, for some reason. Maybe you want to be different, maybe you want all of these little things to add up to something more than they are. Maybe you think if you worry enough about nonexistent traumas, no real trauma will ever come to you. After all, if you aren't driving, you'll be 100% certain never to have a car accident. I don't know.

 

You probably should stop driving if you don't think you can stop thinking only about how you're sure to have an accident. It's a rule of driving (and life)--you unconsciously turn the car (or yourself) exactly where you're looking.

 

This is probably something a therapist will have to help you with. I'm not sure anything any of us here can say will convince you that your perceptions of reality are not quite right.

[Ross PK]

your perceptions of reality are not quite right.

 

Hopefully that's all it is, and I'm not cursed.

 

If it is just me, if my perceptions are so warped, I wonder what causes it and if it can be cured?

[Ross PK]

Well, it seems whenever I start feeling confident about driving again I end up getting knocked down.

[headlesschicken]

yup, life is in control of you. you are not in control of it. that's the way it is. it seems that your problems stem from your refusal to accept that. learning to give up the illusion of control is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

[Ross PK]

yup, life is in control of you. you are not in control of it. that's the way it is. it seems that your problems stem from your refusal to accept that. learning to give up the illusion of control is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

 

Are you saying I should accept that life is in control of me?

[wuggle]

Whilst at a more esoteric level Headlesschicken might have a point, I think the thing that you need to learn Ross, is completely the opposite. On a day to day basis YOU are in control. If you want to be.

 

Life is tough, driving is tough, both are worth it. Stick with it, do your best on the roads and in life generally and care a little less what other people think. You have just as much right to be here and be on the roads as them.

 

Stick with your goal. Keep practicing driving and try to realise that your mistakes and your life is no dumber than anyone else's.

 

Give yourself a break.

[josie54]

I think what Headless is trying to say is that constantly worrying and obsessing about all the possible bad things that can happen does nothing to prevent bad things from happening. Bad things can happen that are outside of your control--thinking you can control the world, and then discovering that you cannot, only causes anxiety and makes you miserable. These obsessions also can end up causing the very things to happen that you fear the most.

 

You need to focus on what you can control--your thoughts, the way you react to what happens to you, and the way you improve what you can (learning to drive better, for example), the way you pursue the things you want to do (moving away from home, etc.). In that respect, you create your own luck. If you think you're unlucky, you are. If you think you're lucky, you are. It all depends on what you focus on.

 

You asked if there is a cure for this....you might look for a therapist that offers cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. You need to change the way you think. If you keep having these unrealistic expectations of yourself and the world--if you keep characterizing everything that happens to you as bad--you'll never see your life in a realistic (and healthy) way.

[Ross PK]

So now I've started to take half of my medication everyday, I started yesterday.

 

It's because even though it helped with my anxiety a bit, I think maybe it was making me feel more depressed, and I could never feel satisfied or content and properly enjoy anything, I'd always be craving something to eat, plus it's made me put on a lot of weight.

 

So I'm hoping cutting down to half may improve things. Already I can notice a difference, and it's that I feel way more uncomfortable about driving, in fact I'm not sure if I'll ever drive again while feeling like this. But it could just be the effects of cutting down which may be temporary, so I should give it a few weeks.

 

But, I may end up taking the full amount again tonight as it's important for me to be somewhere tomorrow and I'll need to use the car.

[Ross PK]

If only my doctor would let me carry on trying different medications, I'm sure there'd be one out there that would work.

[Ross PK]

Btw, between me posting about bad things happening when I'm driving it's not like I've been driving far distences inbetween and everything has gone right, I've only driven on the odd occasion just down the road and back.

 

So yep, once again, I go out to town, I knew something bad was going to happen and it did do. At the rounabout it's so hard for me to judge when I can merge into the traffic, so I had to wait there for about 3 minutes until it was totally clear for me to go. There cars behind me kept beeping me and I felt like a complete ass, not too mention completely pressureised to go, I ended up trying to dart out because of feeling so pressurised and stupid and then suddenly realised I wasn't going to make it and had to stop suddenly, which stalled the car. Que more beeps at me.

 

****ing arseholes.

[Taramere]

so I had to wait there for about 3 minutes until it was totally clear for me to go. There cars behind me kept beeping me and I felt like a complete ass, not too mention completely pressureised to go, I ended up trying to dart out because of feeling so pressurised and stupid and then suddenly realised I wasn't going to make it and had to stop suddenly, which stalled the car. Que more beeps at me.

 

****ing arseholes.

 

It's a bit like when you're learning to ski. You struggle with the nursery slopes, then head off to the black runs. After tumbling down those a couple of times, you go back to the nursery slopes and they suddenly seem very simple.

 

I still believe you should take an advanced lesson or two, even if it's expensive. Ask your instructor to take you somewhere like this:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMOpwS8oUaw&feature=related

 

The roundabouts of Manchester will be a breeze after that.

[lino]

If i was you, I wouldnt bother with meds to aid your driving.

I think driving around with someone experienced would benefit you more

[Ross PK]

I don't know anyone who's experienced.

[Eve]

Regarding the driving, I would get an automatic vehicle if I were you and invest in a Sat Nav. Cant stall an automatic.. this may improve your confidence Honey. Sat Navs are fab in terms of being able to guide on longer journeys. I have no concept of direction so rely on my Sat Nav a lot.. many tell you what lane to be in and everything. Good invention. Also get a bit of voluntary work nearby so that you have somewhere significant to drive to on a regular basis. Start of with a couple of hours per week then gradually build up.

 

I say, dont mess with the meds. Taking half here and there is not good.. dosage must remain constant unless agreed with a Doctor. Have you been keeping a journal of positive experiences as suggested? I thought that a marvelous idea... cant remember who suggested it here. Have you been granted further sessions with a counsellor?

 

Maybe even try a form of alternative therapy. Local college are always looking for victims to practise on. There are some great therapies out there. I think you need to find a new way to soothe yourself.

 

As for other drivers.. consider them all the enemy. Good drivers will stand out but generally it is important that you get your 'cockpit' environment just right for you. Do not allow other drivers to pressurise you. **** them. Get a good 80s CD also. Thats what is probably missing. Good music whilst driving is really what driving is all about.

 

Give yourself time to settle into driving.

 

I drove in my first storm the other day.. my car is SO clean after the onslaught of rain, so I guess it was for the best!

 

Take care,

Eve xx