still trying to fix the porn issue I created - any ideas?

[Brulee]

okay, so now what? After the fights, I told him to look at whatever he wants. I knew that he was never going to really give it up, and that telling him how it hurts me is not going to stop him either. So guess what he does now, he deletes his history. All along was not going to admit to viewing it...said I had no proof and he would not admit to anything.

I created this mess - how can I resolve it? If he needs to view porn, I would rather he not hide it from me because this sets up a lying pattern. How do I fix what I did wrong? I wish I had never told him I knew.

 

I hate being deceived - please do not attack me for my mistakes. Please offer advice on how I can correct the problem. Is there anyway to make it now so he does not do it behind my back?

 

I wish I could just start over - I would have just made sure he saw me looking at male porn and if he got bothered by it, then he might have better understood my objections. But I was impulsive and blew up at him instead.

 

I know he looks, because when he was home, he deleted his history that day - I am not stupid...

 

Now what? Can I ever fix this problem? I hate the results.

[soserious1]

What is there to "fix" exactly? You don't like the porn but you've told him to go ahead and view whatever he'd like to do as a compromise to salvage the relationship. Why do you need to have access to what he's been looking at? Why torture yourself ?

[manugeorge]

Wait, I don't understand your problem,

 

You say you know he's not going to stop right? you know he deletes his history to hide it from you, so you know full well that he looks at it. HE KNOWS YOU KNOW that he looks at it.

 

So what exactly do you want from him? By deleting his history, isn't he admitting to you that he looks at it, or at least that he looks at something he doesn't want you to see? So what else is left?

 

What do you have to gain by looking at his history? You sound like you already know what you are going to find there so what difference does it make if he deletes it or not?

 

Please help me understand.

 

If you've admitted to him that you will accept whatever he views, then mean what you say and leave him alone. You can't say you will accept his porn usage and then hope he won't use it. That's a silly game you are playing.

 

Be strong enough in your beliefs and convictions to walk away from ANY relationship that doesn't fufil your needs.

[headlesschicken]

look,you CAN start over---right now, make a promise to yourself that it's over. that you no longer need to get mad at him for something you told him he can do. you can choose to stop getting mad at something that you're mad at yourself for getting mad over. see the madness?

 

the madness you've created is yours alone. don't check his history. don't check his computer. let him do what he wants. get over it or get out. those are the choices.

 

and eta: his erasing the internet history does not count as deceiving you.

[Brulee]

I guess what is bothering me about it, is he actually thinks I will not know about it. I would have preferred he not delete his history.

Is he not setting up a constant deceive me situation? If I make a point to look at men in porn, will he eventually not feel the need to hide it from me when he looks?

[Brulee]

please explain to me why his erasing his history does not count as being deceptive?

[Enema]

He hides it because he's knows you've got issues with him looking. (Regardless of what you say)

 

Stop trying to keep tabs on every second of his computer usage, he's not your child.

 

He deserves privacy. If I was him I'd put a password on the entire computer so you can't even get on it.

[a4a]

It is not deceptive because you told him it was fine. It should not matter if the history is erased or sitting wide open on the screen.

 

Solution.

 

If you need to know when he is looking at porn (not sure why you need or want this info)

 

Ask him to tell you.

 

But if he tells you then you best not get mad about it.

 

This really won't work either because you are simply trying to control what he views no matter what.

 

Being PA about it won't help.

[manugeorge]

I guess what is bothering me about it, is he actually thinks I will not know about it. I would have preferred he not delete his history.

Is he not setting up a constant deceive me situation? If I make a point to look at men in porn, will he eventually not feel the need to hide it from me when he looks?

 

I think what we are all trying to understand is why does deleting or not deleting his history matter to you? You already know what you are going to find so what does it matter?

 

Why are you even checking his history after you've told him you don't care what he does or looks at?

 

Why don't you just try being honest with yourself and quit the madness already. YOU ARE NOT OK WITH PORN. Admit that and take actions accordingly upto and including leaving him. Stop driving yourself crazy.

[Brulee]

I want him to be honest about things -

 

I would rather he looked and I had to learn to just accept it, rather than he think that he is deceiving me, because then I am afraid that he will hide a lot of things from me.

 

I guess from your responses, I am wrong about this.

 

I want to try to accept it, and somehow want him to see that I am doing this.

 

I do believe that he too needs to know that I will sometimes look too - I absolutely hate double standards. Out of sheer respect I have not looked, but what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

[LakesideDream]

I want him to be honest about things -

 

I would rather he looked and I had to learn to just accept it, rather than he think that he is deceiving me, because then I am afraid that he will hide a lot of things from me.

 

I guess from your responses, I am wrong about this.

 

I want to try to accept it, and somehow want him to see that I am doing this.

 

I do believe that he too needs to know that I will sometimes look too - I absolutely hate double standards. Out of sheer respect I have not looked, but what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

 

Brulee, you say your gave him permission to look at what he wants, then you continue to attempt to monitor his computer usage. Are you his "Mommie" do you have the need to control him and his computer usage? Do you even have the right to control his usage? Who exactly appointed you your SO's thought policeman?

 

Personally I could care less about the porn "issue" it's hackneyed and way overblown. I personally would not do anything that put a good loving relationship in jeapordy... but I'm almost 59 years old and have had the time to learn a lot of life's lessons. Obviously you and your SO have not. You are making big deals out of small situations/actions.

 

It's not reasonable to tell your husband "he can look at whatever he wants" then turn around and cast blame on him for doing it. That's a nutty position to take.

 

I fully understand that as a presumably young woman you fully expect and believe that your husband can read your mind and thoughts and that he ignores your unspoken needs and wants out of spite, or laziness. Just thinking about things isn't enough. You must verbalize and communicate the things that are important to you. That view is typical of lots of women in relationships. Maybe Fabio in the romance novel can do just that... but believe me the rest of the men out there cannot.

 

Oh... You are correct about one thing. If you continue to treat him like a child, setting his limits, attempting to control personal his activities he will hide things from you! That's the way the world works.

 

If you don't like what your husband does (which is a part of what he is) then make arraingments for him to not be your husband. Don't expect him to accept you turning into his Mother / Jailer.

[Brulee]

Does anybody here understand that I would have been more relieved to see some porn sites on his history, than to see he deleted his history?

By deleting it, he is thinking that he is hiding it from me and I had told him please do not hide it - that if you really need this to be happy, I just need to try to learn to accept it. I told him that I would rather deal with the truth, even if it is ugly, than to deal with a false reality.

So therefore, is not hiding it, deceptive?

[Brulee]

also, I do not wish to be his" mommy" by controlling him - but think about it - we all try to control our significants someways - not wanting our significant to cheat is in itself a form of control also...

[LakesideDream]

also, I do not wish to be his" mommy" by controlling him - but think about it - we all try to control our significants someways - not wanting our significant to cheat is in itself a form of control also...

 

A very immature statement and very wrong to boot. If ever lucky enough to put my past 40 years of adult life experiance to use again in a serious relationship I am not going to be thinking about "not wanting my SO to cheat".

 

My effort will be directed toward making my "SO" and happy and content, as loved and adored, as she can be. Those are things I can control. What she does is not something I can control.

 

People are who and what they are. People are the sum of their personalities and experiances. Trying to change them, or guide them in a direction of ones choice against their nature is doomed to abject failure. If you can't "take em as you find em"..... don't take em!

 

People "fall in love" then immediately begin trying to mold their love objects into things they are not. Doomed! If what he is, is not what you want, face that and take the appropriate steps. Don't try to train him (or her) to be your ideal.

[rsobrien]

What kind of porn is if you dont mind me asking? Is that what bothers you so much?

[Brulee]

when he came home the other night, he asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking at porn - he asked what porn and I told him it was nothing he would have any interest in. His reply was "great."

 

I was trying to establish two things:

 

1 - that both of us should feel free to look - that if he thinks it is okay for him, than he too has to accept that I would do likewise - actually I am wondering if I might start enjoying looking at other men this way. I have never allowed myself this freedom. And if it does not mean that I do not love him, why shouldnt we women enjoy looking at men?

 

 

2- that he does not need to hide it from me

[Enema]

when he came home the other night, he asked what I was doing. I told him I was looking at porn - he asked what porn and I told him it was nothing he would have any interest in. His reply was "great."

 

I was trying to establish two things:

 

1 - that both of us should feel free to look - that if he thinks it is okay for him, than he too has to accept that I would do likewise - actually I am wondering if I might start enjoying looking at other men this way. I have never allowed myself this freedom. And if it does not mean that I do not love him, why shouldnt we women enjoy looking at men?

 

...plenty of women do, without an ulterior motive.

 

He will see through this as the passive-aggressive mind game it really is though.

 

What a mess.

[Mr. Lucky]

please explain to me why his erasing his history does not count as being deceptive?

That statement alone indicates the flaw in your approach. It's "his" history, just as it's his computer, his browsing and his internet time. Treat him like an adult and if he doesn't make decisions aligned with your values, find someone who does...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey Shortie]

I am sorry but he isn't acting like an adult himself. She can treat him like an adult but also has responsiblity for his actions. Why do we always put all the blame and responsiblity on women on this issue and make excuses and justifications for the guy?

 

Now she can be left wondering what else he is hiding from her.

[manugeorge]

See he deletes his history because he sees through the game you're playing. You pretend to accept it but you really don't mean that.

 

Stop it, just stop it. For 6 months, don't even bring up the porn issue AT ALL. Don't check up on him, don't blink an eyelid, don't even mention the word porn for 6 months. I guarantee you, the history will eventually turn up UNdeleted because that is when he would really believe that you have truly accepted it.

 

Your words are not effective here because you are not backing them up with actions. Which is why, just like a child, he reacts the way he does. If my mother tells me, "stay out past your curfew, I won't punish you, I swear, stay out as late as you want". Then I come home each day to find her waiting up for me in the living room. Do you think I'm going to stay out one minute later than my curfew? Hell no, because if she really won't punish me, then she wouldn't be waiting up for me.

 

This is all YOUR doing, he is just reacting accordingly, reacting like anyone in his shoes would. He knows it upsets you to see his history so why will he knowingly display it? Why will he, in his right mind, throw it in your face like that?

 

If you really want to stop caring about his porn usage, then SHOW him, don't just say one thing and then do another.

 

Please note that no one is saying you should accept his porn usage, personally, I wouldn't compromise my values like that, not for any man. YOU are the one saying you want to accept it so you have to take responsibility for that acceptance. The burden is on you now.

[clintsgirl]

I understand what you are going threw, my bf is also a porn watcher. Your right, "he's going to watch it anyways". I know you are trying to be cool with it, me as well. But it is hard, just knowing what he is doing. As for deleting history, mine does the same, i made the mistake of checking one day and it wasn't deleted, trust me you dont want to see what they are watching. Just make sure it doesnt interupt your bedroom life, that he has forgotten about your needs, and all he needs is the porn. I wish you all the luck, love can conquer all

[Jersey Shortie]

Love doesn't conquer all, apparently porn does.

Mores seriously, at the end of the day that's what most men really care about. Not the woman in their life by his side. His porn out weighs everything. I think that's the way men like it. If I saw more men defend their own women to the exten they do the porn, I'd be surprised. It's very telling where men's loyatlies lie.

[Mr. Lucky]

Why do we always put all the blame and responsiblity on women on this issue and make excuses and justifications for the guy?

Somehow Jersey, I had a feeling you'd weigh in .

 

How is telling her that, if she has issues with his conduct and values, she should find someone who's POV more closely aligns with hers putting "all the blame and responsibility on women" ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[demrea]

Love doesn't conquer all, apparently porn does.

Mores seriously, at the end of the day that's what most men really care about. Not the woman in their life by his side. His porn out weighs everything. I think that's the way men like it. If I saw more men defend their own women to the exten they do the porn, I'd be surprised. It's very telling where men's loyatlies lie.

 

in the context of "this" post, its not whether she should accept porn or not. the issue is now that she has said she accepts the porn, how should she respond to the actions of deleting the history.

 

i see head games here, as many astute posters have pointed out. i am sure you would never tell your BF or husband you are ok with porn, but thats not what happened here.

[bean1]

OP, I have the opposite view of viewing porn that you do, but I don't think the morality of that is much of an issue anymore. You have your beliefs and your husband has his.

 

Unfortunately, this issue has led to passive-agressive techniques

1. You told him it's okay to view it, when clearly, you don't believe that.

2. He deletes it to avoid confrontation but still views it because he feels it is ok (even though he KNOWS that you don't believe that).

 

Although most men take a woman's word at face value, I'm sure that this husband is fully aware that it is not ok, even when she says it is.

 

Your marriage is now a battleground and I would suggest marriage counselling, or else you are pretty much looking at divorce. You owe it to each other to at least make that attempt. If that fails, I don't see how you can go on like this.