Giving Thoughts

[samprez]

This is a wonderful blog. For anyone who has experienced these situations; no matter the side you've been on, to be able to come here and express our thoughts, fears and insecurities is amazing. I have benefited from this tremendously and while I've been trying to stop visiting, I find it compelling and I want to assist those who are dealing the pain I had several months ago.

 

Having said that, and having attended both MC and IC I can tell you that some of the absolute advice offered here; while sincere, is often done in a vacuum based on what is shared and experienced by both the poster and the giver. I have actually found myself conflicted between what I've read here and what has been suggested in both of my counceling sessions. Can you imagine the details swimming in my head when I was hearing from two different therapists and all of you?

 

Each of us has to deal with our own situations based on the information we have. We know our spouses, we know our OP's and we know our desires to be healed. There were many, many times when what some here suggested was the exact opposite of what was accomplished in therapy. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this. Do you contact the OW? Do you go full NC? Do you confess to MW's H? (That one is for Reggie).

 

The reason I'm posting this is to suggest to everyone that you always consider your options and your knowledge base before you accept advice absolutely, and that those of giving at any given time think about the real life circumstances that people face.

 

Some people won't divorce because of factors that go way beyond love or relationship. Money, schools, social stigma etc...so we will never see 100% resolution for anyone.

 

I'm quasi-venting and hoping I'm making some sense.

 

Compassion and understanding are key.

[65tr6]

There were many, many times when what some here suggested was the exact opposite of what was accomplished in therapy. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this. Do you contact the OW? Do you go full NC? Do you confess to MW's H? (That one is for Reggie). .

 

There is no question folks would love to project what they experienced onto the posters. For example, if someone kicked their spouse out after the betrayal they want everyone else to do that. If they divorced someone, they want the poster to do the exact same thing. That does not mean there is no knowledge here. There is plenty. It is upto you what you want to pick and what you want to ignore.

 

The best thing you can do is to stay positive and not act in haste because some of the events are very very traumatic and it takes time to process it or make any sense out of it (there you go i am projecting !).

 

As far as therapists giving you or someone the opposite advice..I would not trust anyone...not even your own therapists. You can listen but weigh your options carefully. Listen to your gut and make a decision. If you think you (not the you you) are "confused", there are a couple of great websites out there...including this one.....find help...post, post, research, research and gain knowledge. Use that knowlege to make youself more powerful.

 

You are exactly right. We know our spouses more than anyone else. We lived with them for so long. Why do we need to depend on the blogs or even the therapists to make the decision for us ? It is one thing to educate ourselves but to totally depend on others to drive decision making...?

 

But also understand that you have to be smart and realistic at the same time. Divorce or not divorce is your personal decision. I am sure there is life on either side.

 

It is interesting you ask specific question such as "do you contact the OW" ?......Again, not trying to project but......ask yourself is it the right thing to do for yourself and for your wife or for your marriage. Would you and your wife both agree on you contacting the OW ? If the answer is yes you dont need a therapist to tell you it is ok or even a blog to help you with that question..You got your answer right there. There are proven priciples out there that make complete sense because they are logical, work in most cases. What is wrong in adopting them ?

[Have to Wonder]

The reason I'm posting this is to suggest to everyone that you always consider your options and your knowledge base before you accept advice absolutely, and that those of giving at any given time think about the real life circumstances that people face.

 

Compassion and understanding are key.

 

Samprez,

 

Thank you...I've been posting only a very short time & have received a massive amount of information. I agree that while nobody knows every circumstance of every situation, it is a helpful forum...as long as noone takes for absolute gospel every word uttered. We each have to sift through our own situations, feelings, and circumstances to be able to apply them appropriately to our situations.

 

I thank you, too, for your last line - must say that, while I haven't always felt either compassion or understanding from posters, they definitely have been vocal and honest about where they're coming from.

[Reggie]

Samp, I still think the guy has the right to know. Just like calling a penalty on yourself. It sucks to be cheated on and to find out years down the road.

[jwi71]

This is a wonderful blog. For anyone who has experienced these situations; no matter the side you've been on, to be able to come here and express our thoughts, fears and insecurities is amazing. I have benefited from this tremendously and while I've been trying to stop visiting, I find it compelling and I want to assist those who are dealing the pain I had several months ago.

 

Having said that, and having attended both MC and IC I can tell you that some of the absolute advice offered here; while sincere, is often done in a vacuum based on what is shared and experienced by both the poster and the giver. I have actually found myself conflicted between what I've read here and what has been suggested in both of my counceling sessions. Can you imagine the details swimming in my head when I was hearing from two different therapists and all of you?

 

Each of us has to deal with our own situations based on the information we have. We know our spouses, we know our OP's and we know our desires to be healed. There were many, many times when what some here suggested was the exact opposite of what was accomplished in therapy. I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel this. Do you contact the OW? Do you go full NC? Do you confess to MW's H? (That one is for Reggie).

 

The reason I'm posting this is to suggest to everyone that you always consider your options and your knowledge base before you accept advice absolutely, and that those of giving at any given time think about the real life circumstances that people face.

 

Some people won't divorce because of factors that go way beyond love or relationship. Money, schools, social stigma etc...so we will never see 100% resolution for anyone.

 

I'm quasi-venting and hoping I'm making some sense.

 

Compassion and understanding are key.

 

You do.

 

Question for you...

 

Do you believe that LS has HELPED you in this journey?

 

Speaking for myself...I would say yes.

[samprez]

JW, I would say that the forum has helped me in a couple of ways. It's frankly been a bit comforting that I'm not the only person who is in this boat. When you're going through this situation, you tend to feel alone. Secondly, I found that coming here was a great distraction for me as we instituted NC. I was able to deal with the time I would have spent IM'ing her and text etc, here. So yes, I'd say there was help.

 

I'm not complaining at all about the site, but now as I've been able to see the personalities and individual history's of our posters evolve, I can see the advice is not alway on target and that at the beginning, it was all swimming in my head. I told my IC about the site and he was impressed with the it and felt it was part of the therapy I was going through. But the absoluteness (made up word) of the ideas are sometimes overwhelming. My man Reggie as he posted here thinks that the WS should confess to the OBS. I think that isn't logical under the circumstances because I think like in my case, MW owns 100% of her half of this. If her H contacts me, we will talk. I'm not opening another can of worms with him.

 

Having said that, there are some excellent posters here who have touched me. Others have left me wondering. At some point (thought I was there a few weeks ago) I have will stop visiting here because being here to some degree keeps this alive. Make sense?

 

It's a great board and a great "exit blog" to help all of us, WS and BS through our struggles. But like anything else, buyer be ware .

[samprez]

Samp, I still think the guy has the right to know. Just like calling a penalty on yourself. It sucks to be cheated on and to find out years down the road.

 

Reggie, my wife emailed him and that empowered her (w) and I didn't want to take that power from her. If he calls back or wants my time to discuss, he's got it. I'm not bothering him further now, he knows. It's between him and his W. Keep in mind I didn't cheat on him, she did. I have my own home to fix.

[bentnotbroken]

I think this(and others)sites are there for the "general" sense of help. Help in venting, ranting, comfort, to get the anger out, the tears, whatever a poster may need. I am surprised that so many take what is said here as the gospel so to speak. It is what it is. Opinions, justifications, and criticisms. I won't say there aren't any professionals here, but I would wager that most professional counselors aren't giving away free time. . People should take what is useful to them and leave the rest here.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm not much of a thread-starter, and although I've shared some of the more positive aspects of my life I still tend to be reserved regarding the negative aspects. But I've still found this site to be quite valuable. It's helped me to clarify my thinking and views on a number of personal issues, and I've been able to give more helpful advice "in real life" to friends and family because of the insightful things I've seen here.

[stampdaddy]

They way I have approached this, whether it is this site, IC's, friends whatever, is to throw all of the "help" into a giant sifter, and see what you come up with. There are ALOT of great people on this site, especially the ones posting to this specific thread. And of course, there are mainly good folks that have unfortunately been kicked so hard that they struggle with having "opne eyes or hearts" and come across so one sided. And of course, there are just a couple of real jack asses, but hey, that is the way the real world is...

I have found it VERY helpful, mainly as a place to vent or help others, no matter which side of the triangle they are on...

[Athena]

LS site has helped desensitize me to the uniqueness of being betrayed. While I don't see it around me in real life, I see it all over these boards, and this helps put it in perspective.

 

Also, to the posters that leave the boards, don't forget to come back once you feel adequately recovered and healed, to pass on the lessons and support to the newbies who will come to these boards, hurt, once they discover they, too, were walking the path of infidelity in their marriages.

[GorillaTheater]

Also, to the posters that leave the boards, don't forget to come back once you feel adequately recovered and healed, to pass on the lessons and support to the newbies who will come to these boards, hurt, once they discover they, too, were walking the path of infidelity in their marriages.

 

I agree. Not exactly the same thing, but: even though I haven't dealt with infidelity or divorce, I sometimes find myself caught up in some of those threads and absolutely love to read about how they came through the experience and landed on their feet (PWSX3, for instance). There's some, like Suzanne's thread for instance, where I'd love to find out how it turned out, but it sounded like she was getting to a healthy place and didn't need this site anymore. I guess I'm just interested in peoples' stories, particularly when they rise above their horrific circumstances.

[stampdaddy]

I agree. Not exactly the same thing, but: even though I haven't dealt with infidelity or divorce, I sometimes find myself caught up in some of those threads and absolutely love to read about how they came through the experience and landed on their feet (PWSX3, for instance). There's some, like Suzanne's thread for instance, where I'd love to find out how it turned out, but it sounded like she was getting to a healthy place and didn't need this site anymore. I guess I'm just interested in peoples' stories, particularly when they rise above their horrific circumstances.

 

yeah, and then there is that dude, Stampdaddy... What an ass-clown he is....

[GorillaTheater]

yeah, and then there is that dude, Stampdaddy... What an ass-clown he is....

 

Well hell man, ragging on little 15-year-old 16th century poet-wanna be's and poor old crippled men with dogs, it goes without saying that your recovery's complete.