Merging Families

[texman]

This is hard to express in words...but I'm trying.

GF and I are going to get married. We each have 2 boys. Boys get along great with each other. We live in separate towns, about 15 miles apart. She has a small house, 3 bedrooms. I have a larger home, 5 bedrooms, enough room for everyone. Last Sunday, we were talking about what we want for our families, and I think we both came to the conclusion that moving to the larger home, and selling the smaller one makes the most sense. She had a lot of angst about her kids switching schools. Her older son, will be going to middle school, so, for him, it will be switching schools anyway. I was on the understanding that she would talk to her boys, get their views and feelings, then the two of us would make a decision for our family. Then we would sit all the kids down and tell them what we've decided, and help them deal/transition.

 

In a surprise move, after we talked, she convened a 'family meeting', my boys were there too, and started talking about this issue. I wish I'd interrupted her but I didn't. She described the situation to the best of her ability, and laid out the two homes as 'options'. Everyone, except her 9 yo son was in support of moving to the bigger home. The 9 yo was dictating 'terms' that he wouldn't move no matter what. I kept my mouth shut. The meeting eventually ended, but the next night, the same behavior out of the 9 yo was there, about how 'he would move if'... etc. I jokingly said 'Will you take $500.00 to move.' He said he would, so that gives you an idea of where kid's minds are.

 

So, after all this, I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't so much have a problem with the moving issue as I do with the dynamic my GF has with her son(s). I will have a hard time, in fact, it will be impossible, for me to be in a relationship where the kids rule the roost.

 

My thought is, the adults make the decisions, perhaps weigh the views of the kids when warranted, then inform the kids...with a united unwavering front. Both our kids have been thru divorces, things have been uncertain enough. I feel like kids feel much safer and secure when the adults in their lives are in control.

 

I will use this example to bolster my case...Suppose you have, or still have children under the age of 12 (or any age). You, or your husband, gets a job offer for the job of a lifetime, a LIFE CHANGING job. A job that you and your husband decide is the best thing for your family. Do you gather up the kids and let them vote on it, or do you and your husband make a decision, and let the kids know?

 

Another example is the divorce itself. Did the kids have a vote on the divorce, as to whether it would occur? Of course not. Just about every piece of literature out there tells you to continually tell your kids they have nothing to do with why the divorce happened. So, extending that logic...let's suppose we let the kids 'vote' on the move, and things are a disaster? Will that not make the kids feel like they are at fault?

 

I know this is a lot to digest, over a number of issues..but I sincerely appreciate any feedback/thoughts from people who have gone through something similar.

[2sure]

My thought is, the adults make the decisions, perhaps weigh the views of the kids when warranted, then inform the kids...with a united unwavering front. Both our kids have been thru divorces, things have been uncertain enough. I feel like kids feel much safer and secure when the adults in their lives are in control.

 

Of course you are 100% correct. It seems obvious and is common sense - but many people, possibly your GF included - seem to feel that the child's opinion is very important in making family decisions. Its isnt. Whats best for the child is known by the parents - the people making the decision. If the 9 year old is making adult decisions, there is a problem. He isnt equipped , he knows this, it will ultimately make him feel that he needs to be in charge. Thats sad.

 

Having said this - I can tell you that your GF may not even realize they dynamics she has created. My daughter and I lived alone until she was 9 when I remarried. My H was astounded that I literally "negotiated" with her over everything. It eventually affected her academically and socially. We have gotten past it. But honest - I didnt see it when it was just her and I.

 

This is not insurmountable. Like other things you have to set in stone when blending a new family ....you and GF are going to have to have some rules regarding the children AND decisions. Just a few, write them down. These things dont just fall into place.

[Ronni_W]

I wish I'd interrupted her but I didn't. ... I will have a hard time, in fact, it will be impossible, for me to be in a relationship where the kids rule the roost.

That was NOT a kid who acted passive-aggressive and didn't speak up when he sensed/felt/knew he should have!

 

Put another way, kids only can "rule the roost" when their adults don't act like the team's co-leaders. That is YOUR role, to find your courage and your voice, and step up and into your role.

 

It's not about "interrupting" your co-leader, either. It is about you expressing your own ideas, opinions, suggestions, thoughts, etc., in a way that is open, honest, assertive, kind, loving and respectful to every person present.