LDR & the net & commitment phobics

[Liv'nLearning]

Hi,

 

Well I met my guy online 2 years ago in a chat room. I normally don't get into these kind of things but he seemed nice and the conversations were pleasant.

 

After 3 months of IM's, we got to calling and he called me everyday, somtimes up to 5 time a day. We went through a major health crises on his part and I was able to help him with treatments so it took a year to finally meet. He is in the US....me in Canada.

 

We finally met last year and despite some fears..things really clicked and we had a great time. Upon our return, he completely shut down emotionally. Our relationship has had ups and downs...no fantasies or projections but honest communication (or so I thought) and I told him what I was looking for and he agreed. I told him I was walking away and he gave it another try.

 

We met again in the US and we again, had a great time, some arguments and it felt great! Like a couple with silences, fun, laughter, arguments.normalcy. It took him 3 months to come to see me and meet my family but he only came for 4 days yet he went to visit friends and family on three separate occassions. I felt he wanted me on the phone when he needed me but wasn't inviting me to go there or meet somewhere? I couldn't understand it when he said how lonely he feels and yet no invitation? We both declared our love for one another but his behaviour didn't shout that. Five months later he invited me to go on a vacation with his friends in the US for a week. When I offered to book a trip in the fall to see him....he shut down and said he didn't want to discuss it! I had already booked my trip!

 

It ended up with him withdrawing, the calls came at odd times, no nice words or romance, cold, short and the conversation only involved him and his day. Those dependable calls sometimes didn't come at all and I nearly went mad. I called him on it one week before the trip and he now said he wasn't sure if I should come - Ugh

 

He called the next day, and reinvited me but said no talk of the future will take place. When I queried this? he ended it and I haven't heard from him since.

 

I am taking a breath and nursing my heart. I have subsequently read many books for closure. It seems....COMMITMENT PHOBICS love long-distance relationships because they have you with the distance built-in. That exit door in place when it's time to get out when love enters the picture or the partner wants more of a commitment. Words of commitment are offered at the beginning of the relationship to lull the other person into a false sense of security. Words like "love, moving, we, us, being together, future" are all just words Action! the ability to actually do something about it is quite different.

 

Beware of your long-distance relationships and commitment phobics, you could be waiting a long time and have a broken heart in the process. When the phone doesn't ring, no emails..it's like an addiction and you are the junkie that has to go through incredible withdrawal!

 

I would love to hear from anyone who has had a similar experience because I feel so alone and in pain right now.

 

Thanks

[befuddled1]

I've never met/dated anyone I met through a chat room, but I have met guys who lived a distance away, through internet personal ads.

 

The first thing that struck me when I read your post was......could it be possible that this guy was seeing someone else (or lots of other women) during the time you 2 were together? That might explain the 'hot/cold' thing. For the first couple of years I had a computer, I did visit a couple of the same chat rooms........and I found it overwhelmingly common for people you'd meet in there, to be "pretending" to be involved with only one person they'd met through there, but in fact, have several people on the go at once. Call it an ego boost, an addiction, the thrill of the chase, a game, I don't know...... I saw many good people get hurt this way.

 

For some, hanging around in, and meeting someone via a chat room, is like being a little kid in a candy store........there's such a great selection, you never know when you might find something better.

 

Also, something else common.......(and I know it's the same with women).......married men, or men involved with someone (in real life) who seek out single women in chat rooms.......just for a little fun on the side, a distraction, a diversion. They often act the way your guy did........distant, making plans then changing them, brief visits, etc. Some would of course "disappear" when their love interest starting talking about serious things....like relocating, spending more time together, visits, etc.....because they feared they were going to get caught by their spouse.

 

Are you positive this guy didn't have a wife or girlfriend? Did you ever go to his home? Did you have his home number or just his cell #? Were you able to call him at any time? Was he vague about things like where he worked and what his last name was? Did he travel on business at all?

[claudia]

i know exactly how u feel,cause i'm going through the same exact thing expect for the countries me being in the caribbean and he in europe . We both knew each other for two years before meeting and it was wonderful he came to see me and my family and i went to see his family and friends. u kinda sense something was wrong ,so did i when i got back home i spent three weeks with him and there was plans for next year vacation for us to meet again and finally for me to move over there . we did the cam thing ,the IM things u name it we did it , he kept telling me that one day we would be together and the marriage thing and the love thing but its hard to hear those words without any action to it

 

did u email him asking why and what was his response ? My ex said it was because he saw his parent fight and split up that maybe scared him for life and he can't be in a relationship but i dunno what his story only he knew why he broke things up .

 

well this is just to let u know that u are not alone and i wonder how u cope with and if u can share with me cause i'm still heart broken and the only thing i practice is the no contact law .

[Liv'nLearning]

Thanks for the input.

 

No, he was defintely not seeing other women but as friends who I was told about and informed when he took them for dinner etc.

 

I stayed in his home and he is an absolute bachelor! He also has a monogomous history with past loves so no, I don't think that the case as much as a total fear of commitment and progression in the relationship. It seems long distant relationships are perfect for commitment phobics because they can have a perfectly wonderful person waiting for them without any pressure. It's only when you meet and the natural progression of commitment (for real) makes them squirm and run.

[befuddled1]

So he's "told you" that he's had a monogamous past, but that's only what he's "told you" (sorry, I am just playing the devil's advocate)......I mean, how many cheaters would tell someone new that they're seeing, "yeah, I've got quite the history of cheating in the past" ???

 

But even if he is a huge commitment-phobic, it still seems amazingly strange to me that he couldn't have at least given you some kind of (simple) explanation via email. I mean, even a coward can do that. He could have simply dropped you a quick email, even...nothing elaborate or deep..and just said something to the affect of, "I have done some thinking and I am really sorry but I don't think I'm at a place to pursue a relationship. I'm sorry I had to drag you into this, you're a great person and I'm sorry if I've wasted your time, you deserve someone who's great."

 

Have you been back to the particular chat room you met him in? If so, does he still go there? (or maybe there with a different handle)

 

Just seems really weird to me, like there's more to it.

[Liv'nLearning]

Thanks for the input Befuddled.

 

I am pretty sure there was noone else...he called all hours of the day and night!

 

But more importantly, thank you for saying the words I would have liked to have heard! No, I

never heard any of them and that was low! Ironically, I just wrote an email to that fact which I am sure I will never receive a reply to. He went offline for quite sometime and boom, there he was....4 nights in a row and no contact. He dissapeared after that. This guy is in his 40's but wouldn't you swear this was high school???

 

Thank you for reminding me there are some decent men left with a heart!

[JustDunno]

Hi, 4 years ago I met a woman online. Neither of us were trying to meet anyone as she was married with a husband who was over seas and I recently separated at the time. Plus it was online, I mean gawddd. We became very good friends and for 2 years shared a relationship which was perfect without the one fact that she was in KY and I was in Canada. We talked on the phone for hours eveyday, went online together, it was really weird. As time went though I got very tired having someone I cared dearly for yet I couldnt touch or see her which was very hard.

 

I decided to find just a friend here to do things with only. I did but I fell in love with the who was just suppose to be a friend in person. To this day I care about the woman in KY and pray she is doing well but it is sooo different and better having someone you can talk face to face with or touch or kiss or anything with because she is right here. It really is much much better to have the physical factor.

[Fancy]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through right now. Big {{{HUGS}}} to you! It seems as though you're being pretty realistic and rational about this. I'm glad the books you've read have helped you. I was in a similar situation at one time and I know exactly what you're going through. I was almost obsessed with running to the computer to see if there was an email or offline Yahoo message from him. It was horrible. He played the on-again/off-again routine with me too. He would tell me all kinds of things about how he loved me, wanted us to be together, knew I was "the one," etc., and then it would be literally weeks or even months before I'd hear another word.

 

Like you said in your post, actions are what's important. I could sit here and tell you any story I could come up with in my imagination and make all kinds of promises, but that's nothing more than words. Without action to back them up with, words are idle and empty.

 

This guy sounds like he's got major committment issues and if he's in his 40s now, they're not likely to change any time soon. It seems he wants to keep you around in some capacity, but at a vast distance. You deserve more than that and I hope you'll be able to get your strength and mind together and end this with him once and for all. A situation like this could literally go on for years and years. Do you want to feel this way forever? I don't think you do.

 

Having a support system is very important. I know when I was so tempted to make contact, it helped me tremendously when I was able to email a friend instead and have her talk me back to my senses. Do you have someone like that for you? If you need a support partner, I'd be glad to be there for you. You can PM me and I'll give you my email address. The rejection and uncertainty is a very difficult thing to get through and it takes time. Please try to be strong and look toward your longterm future rather than just what you're feeling right now.

[musictech]

Hi Everyone, I thought I was going crazy and now I am feeling a little better knowing I really am not alone in my situation. That's why I just signed up. Reading the first post made me realize it's not me... Bear with me. maybe you all will have some advice...

(afterthought edit: i apologize for being long and maybe should have started a new post but this one touched too close to home)

((( big hugs go out to those of you with greater distances to overcome)))

 

I met a really nice guy on match.com. He is new to online life and recently got an older pc. He claims he don't want to get addicted to being online. OK. I figure this is one that won't be online flirting and creating multiple identities and carrying on with other women online. I liked what he had to say in his profile before his picture was admitted, and infact once he got his picture in digital format (had his parents take the picture for him) and sent one to me in email when he figured out how to soon after i had 'winked' at him. He is just as cute as i hoped. His email left a series of suggestions for me to reply to if i didn't like what i saw. he claims to be shy and even in his profile said he is content being single but could be open to meet the right lady. I'm pretty good at reading between the lines and sniffing out cheaters and liars, but every now and then i'm surprised. i don't think he's a liar. His email said he liked alot about my profile and well to make a long story short. we liked what we saw. we traded a few emails and phone calls and planned to meet. He had one last vacation from work planned. We met at a restaurant (and yes, i let my girlfriend from work know his name and address and even emailed his pic to her). There seemed to be great chemistry. he wasn't clingy but neither was he aloof. He lives 2 1/2 hour drive from where i live. so it's far enough to be long distance. it was a great date and when he left told me he was busy with gigs the next 4 weeks, and works really long days. (he is a musician - hold your gasps ladies - i come from a family of musicians and relate with real musicians better than most people) I am always looking for the gaps in a story, and so far my instincts tell me he is really honest. His honesty isn't what is in question here but his ability to commit..

 

He makes it a point to call me a couple times a week and did say that this was a very busy time in his job and his father is going through some medical issues. the job has him working 11 hour days and some hours on saturday. leaving him only the rest of that day and sunday to do his gigs, and chores and relaxation as well as his own hobbies and practicing his guitar. He's also said he was bad at making plans in advance. I have offered to make the long drive to visit him and yet something is always in the way of making plans. so i haven't been invited up to visit yet. he has said he is interested in me and yet... i'm not getting all the signals. he doesn't type well and don't stay online long. so I'm not getting the IM's or emails, he prefers to talk on the phone (he uses aol and so i can see when he comes online on my aol buddy list and he don't stay online long)...

 

I've also not gotten very many responses over match.com and so i discontinued it and told him so.

He also said he was just curious about meeting people and yet discontinued his subscription but still get's the 10 matches via email every few days. how do i know? cus i ask... and i can check his profile via the initial contact email without logging in to see if he's really been inactive - i am curious and suspicious of online trickery and sneakiness (yes that is online experience speaking) and i ask kindly or with a story and not putting him on the defense when i do ask sensitive questions.

 

A couple of my friends and work mates say i shouldn't put my cookies all in one basket, but it's not that i've got alot of baskets. and i don't juggle multiple guys very well. after spending 14 yrs with one man, i find it hard to really play the field. i find someone i like and let them know it. this guy responded and i think is equally shy.

i'm not homely but i just don't get the 'winks'. I'm intelligent and independent as well as assertive. but i'm not angry or bitter. just miss the companionship (and i told him that too)

 

Only after tonight's phone call which left me wondering if he was afraid of commitment. That's why I'm here. The disappointment probably melted through the phone when he told me he had to work in the morning and then take care of business with his car and some repairs at his father's. he is close to his family and lives in the same town he grew up in. (not a big deal, cus i am living back at home with my mom but i did spend 23 yrs living on my own, joblessness and economy forced me home as well as aged parent) .(( that too could be a hurdle)) Next weekend he has a gig on saturday. leaving him sunday to do his chores and recharge his batteries for the next work week. he also don't get many holidays off either.

 

still with me? thanks i'm almost done.

 

He's has been uninvolved over a year. how do i know? because i did ask and that relationship was an hour drive apart. He said he would drive to her place every other weekend and they would talk on the phone at least once a week. Her life became hectic and they broke off. He said he didn't want to 'tie me up' or keep me from seeing people, but also has made the effort to call me when he says, unless he fell asleep on the couch. what i do find odd is he turns his ringer off to keep the phone from waking him up but returns calls promptly when he sees the caller i.d. and hears the message.

 

perhaps he really is busy but that could be an escape from the repeat relationship of what he had last year.

 

i find myself thinking of him almost constantly, despite having hobbies and interests tho my life isn't as busy as it was when i was employed full time. I get a knot in my stomach when i think he's just keeping me on hold but then again it is more of me... i think of just driving up to his house and surprising him, which would not be a good thing since i've not been invited. We've both agreed that it will take patience and he does apologize for his schedule not being fair to me.

 

Should i continue to be patient and just chill out? I've never been good at that. and I was fine before as a single person dealing with job hunting and my hobbies. am i pushing him away with being eager to meet again?

 

This all began in late august and here it is almost november. we met in person once in mid-september.

 

What do you all think? patience is a virtue and time is an investment - do you think i'm investing my emotions on someone that can't or won't reciprocate??

 

Thanks for reading all the way through.. told you it was a long one. but i got it off my chest for now.

[Fancy]

Originally posted by musictech

 

What do you all think? patience is a virtue and time is an investment - do you think i'm investing my emotions on someone that can't or won't reciprocate??

 

Yes, I do.

 

Whether this guy is being honest with your or not, I don't know. However, having a close, intimate relationship appears to be at the bottom of his priority list. He admitted in his profile he was content being single. Listen to him!!!! You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. He may be a perfectly good man, but if you're wanting a relationship, you need to look elsewhere.

[Liv'nLearning]

The red flags are a waving.....the train is coming down the tracks...ding ding ding

 

He let something slip that you should be aware of!! He doesn't like to plan anything! What does that tell you? He's only seen you once in 2 months. He wants to date others. Ding Ding Ding!!!

 

In my humble opinion? you should date a number of people and just get to know them. Even if things click and are wonderful? the proof is in the action. People can say a lot of things but making plans, dates, making the effort to physically see you and provide consistency and restraint is normal.

 

I hate to say to it but, if he really wants to be with you? he will. Keep your options open, live your life. Don't wait around for the phone to ring and don't project or hope because he may not be that man - only time and proof will tell. Remember, don't be the pursuer here!

 

[color=indigo][/color]

[musictech]

Thanks for the feed back. I obviously knew the answer and just had to hear/see it for myself. so what am i going to do? well, to start with I made my match profile visible again and of course the first search i did , he came up as the 2nd best. the first match hadn't been online in months. so go figure. back to the drawing board. I would date a number of people if i were asked out. but that's easier said than done. I don't hang out in bars and it seems i attract losers in the online personals. or the long distance, illiterates that can't seem to bother reading the profile. This guy seems perfect but I've already wasted most of my adult life with a commttment phobe. As i've heard before and common sense tells me. If he isnt' mutually attracted and chasing me down, he really isnt' interested in ME for me. Right ??? i have a lot of love to give but i have to get some in return.

 

 

It's a beautiful day and i'm going to take my camera out for a walk.

Thanks again for the wake up calls.

[anna45]

Hi Liv'n Learning!

Yes i can totally relate to your story, in fact on the date you wrote in here i returned from abroad for a second visit to someone i had met online and have had a nearly 1,5 yr almost daily correspondence with. I am gay, so we are both women, but i think that makes no difference. My friend, as i am always "having" to define this relationship, lost several people in her life to death, and lost her 10 yr partner 5 yrs ago, later her mother, recently her dog......so ofcourse i understood perhaps she would not be ready for a relationship, however she always replied she was, i am beginning to think she never will be. We too, had a great time when i was there for 2 weeks, solved arguments well, the last time we had been lovers rather too quickly so when this time she said she wanted "for now" not to be lovers, it seemed in a way to make sense, and i was prepared to take it slowly. The same talk of commitment in future, very similar to yours, except we have met less often. Same thing, on my return, after the first day a cooling off and cutting off, no response to my early picking up on this and questions, and then when i was very direct: "i have had time to think, this will never be romance......" yet at the same time mixed messages and the moment i take distance, an increase in emotional intensity and almost childlike behaviour. I had decided on my return this was going to go slow, so made no sounds of moving towards her country and decided to go ahead with my own plans in life. She professed to find this wonderful and great, but seems hardly interested in my life and forgets when i say i have a course and will not be there etc. I also think, that she prefers intimacy online only, and i am sure the next "victim" will soon be lured into coming over. She has lied to me in the past about being involved with someone saying she did it "to keep me at bay", yet when i go "at bay" she'd tell my best friend she'd been lying, just so i would hear it and hopefully return. Sometimes she almost seems to be talking in code, and i never know what is true and what is not, about her feelings. So, the only thing to do seems to be to decide without her, how i am going to relate to her, mutual agreements are impossible, even about little things like what we would plan for the day i could not trust that they would happen as planned. I try to look at my own patterns, and see where i have difficulty letting someone learn their own lessons.....well was good to read your message, it's easier to look at it from the outside! Take care! Anna

[moimeme]

Oh help! Just when we thing we've heard about every possible sort of dysfunctional relationship comes yet another variation!!!!

 

Do you suppose the people who fall into the perpetual/unfulfilled online relationships are similar to the ones who fall in love with prisoners?

 

I can see starting to get to know someone at a distance but I can't imagine trying to sustain that sort of relationship over years! I figure if you haven't made serious attempts to meet in person by at least the first six months or so you should call it friendship only and leave it at that.

[Liv'nLearning]

Dear Moi,

 

I am of two minds regarding the commitment phob and long-distance.

 

One the hand, I do believe that people can fantasize and visualize who this other person may look like? feel like? They can also project very unrealistic ideas and hopes because the distance makes things exciting and somewhat unattainable.

 

Conversely, at least in my case, I researched online relationships and the pitfalls before I got involved so I knew the score from day l. What I didn't know though, was that commitment phobic people present a veneer of what a relationship should be, (at the beginning only) and they believe it when they say it.

 

What is not commonly known, is that there is a pattern from beginning to end. When action is demanded (words become cheap after a time) and is not forthcoming, then one can see the complete ambivilence and ambiguity of the relationship. Normal people see it as a phase their partner is going through and either sit back or offer help. What they don't know is that the cast is dye for flight.

 

Long distance relationships for regular folk is hard enough. There is a fair amount of money in travelling, phone bills etc. involved on top of all the trust and monogamy issues as well. Commitment phobic people pursue, flail then flee leaving a trail of hurt, confusion and pain in their wake without a second glance. Unfortunately, some new unsuspecting person will see what appears to be a normal person seeking a real relationship.....and cycle repeats itself.

 

I saw my ex's new online profile...."Looking for a committed relationship..willing to relocate anywhere". I nearly fell off my chair but can now see despite all our previous conversations over two years regarding his conflicted behaviour towards me and my requests for some kind commitment for the future..he is still in denial of his atrocious behaviour.

 

[moimeme]

See, this is valuable information. I didn't know about those sorts, either. Mine were the opposite - wanted commitment NOW LOL. That's one of the other extremes - they're ready to get engaged even before any 3D meeting.