AdrianaLima Posted April 22, 2009 Share Posted April 22, 2009 My boyfriend,well now should I say ex-boyfriend,recently asked me for my hand in marriage. We've been dating for five years now. We've been having our ups and down like every relationship go through. We recently took a break in early January because their was too much fussing and I had things within myself that I know I needed to change for the better. We began to get things back on track again somewhat. So last month, he asked me to marry him. And I said yes. A few days later, I evaluated everything and felt as though I still didn't fixed my internal problems as I wanted to, and I didn't want to bring these same old issues into our marriage. Although when he asked me to marry him, he poured out his feelings to me and told me how he was willing to accept the good and the bad, etc. But I just wanted some re-assurance for myself that I was decent or good enough for him, because he's an amazing guy. So after I thought about everything, I told him no. Which really hurt him. Like to the extreme!!! He said, "It's made up in my mind who I want to spend the rest of my life with, obviously we aren't on the same page". I was just telling him that I want us to be happy. I also said to him ''Sorry for wanting to better myself for you". So after a few days after I told him no, we talked on the phone for a few hours. I then told him if he think I'm fine the way I am, then lets do it and become one. But he told me he don't know if its real or not, which I told him that it was. He decided that he just want to be friends with me for a while cause he don't want to get hurt anymore. I know he still has feelings for me, and that we'll eventually get married, but I'm having a extremely hard time trying to cope. I beat myself up emotionally, day in and day out constantly over this. I just wanted to us to be happy you know.Any advice will be really appreciated. Thanks to all. To add, I didn't necessarily say no to him, I said I want to but just not right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Adriana, Your sig caught my eye. Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have.It's much sexier than any body part. Aimee Mullins From your post, there isn't a lot of confidence going on within you, right now. I understand what you were saying to your ex, but it still would have gone across as hurtful and rejecting. Rather than wasting this time in your life beating-up on yourself, why not USE the time to start making those self-improvement changes that you've been wanting to make? Sounds like maybe you've been thinking/talking about it for some time, and just haven't really gotten to the "let's do it" stage yet(?) Hire a therapist, get cracking, and you'll feel perfectly worthy and confident if/when he is ready to take another chance on you. Hugs, and good luck with your personal development Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 To be honest... I dont think he's gonna propose to you a second time. That's was very heartbreaking a man who pours his heart out to you, and you tell him maybe, not right now? He's gonna be like damn I finally let her in my heart and all I got was a maybe, maybe she's the wrong girl for me. See what I'm saying, it's going to start building doubt in his mind. I know if I was in his shoes I'd never propose to the same girl again. I mean depending on the circumstances. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
shoesies05 Posted April 23, 2009 Share Posted April 23, 2009 Rather than wasting this time in your life beating-up on yourself, why not USE the time to start making those self-improvement changes that you've been wanting to make? Sounds like maybe you've been thinking/talking about it for some time, and just haven't really gotten to the "let's do it" stage yet(?) Hire a therapist, get cracking, and you'll feel perfectly worthy and confident if/when he is ready to take another chance on you. Hugs, and good luck with your personal development I agree with this... get going on it. And if things dont work out with you two- at least you'll be ready for the next guy ( if you want that) Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted April 26, 2009 Share Posted April 26, 2009 I'd wager 10-1 if you get married it won't work out. You seem to have way too many problems, getting married is the last thing you should do. Get married when the problems are minimal and almost everything seems great - not when you are fighting and vacillating like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Magpies Posted April 27, 2009 Share Posted April 27, 2009 I understand that he feels rejected but if he really loves you, he'll get over it and wait. Is his love so shallow that he can all the sudden demote you as a friend? I think he does love you but is coping in his own way after the rejection. Give him time. But don't beat yourself up for it - if he can't get over an honest rejection, then he's not the one for you. Good luck and be honest with each other. Tell him how this makes you feel and ask if he can - after all that you've been through - can just be a "friend"? Link to post Share on other sites
Mahatma Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 It is like the line "I like you, but I just do not want to date anyone right now." It means no. I doubt there will be another proposal, however I am not sure another proposal would be what you really want anyways. It is like saying "I love you" too early in a relationship and getting that "whoa" response. It is putting yourself out there, and getting shot down.. except it's exponentially worse. Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodlife Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 There's no reason why you cannot work on making these positive changes while engaged, and having the man who loves you supporting you and being by your side. I think you just created even more problems for yourself and your relationship by doing what you did. It's bad enough to say no, but to accept the proposal and then turn around and say no? Really hurtful. Try to get this guy back before he is gone for good. Grow together Link to post Share on other sites
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