Major Jealousy!

[Harley]

Ok. So I have been with my man for 3 years now. We are recently and happily married. For the most part. He is happy. I'm so so. When I met him everything was cool. He had some jealousy but nothing major. Now (within the past year and a half) It has been taken to extremes. I have tried to talk to him about it and trying to figure out why it is so bad now. He replied "Well it's because I didnt care then like I do now." Ok well if thats the case, what is it going to be like 5 more years down the road? Mind you I know that we are young. I'll be 21 in May and he will be 26 in December.

 

But I have never given him any reason to doubt my love for him or loyalty. I have even gone so far to delete all my male contacts from my phone. (Most of my friends are male. I dont get along with females. They say its because Im too intimidating) Well yesterday I signed up for a social dancing class with one of my few female friends to get out of the house and get some exercise. I told him before I signed up that I was going to and he expressed no bad feelings about it. When I got out of class I had a text from him asking "How was class? Did all the douche bags enjoy dancing and cuddling with you?" I told him that I danced with a guy but my friend and I were the youngest there by atleast 15 years. It wasnt my choice to dance with him either.

 

The teacher paired us up. Later at my house, the same friend and I were doing some of those Carmen Electra workouts for fun, to get more toned, and to make ourselves feel better and to be healthy. He texted asking what I was doing and I said working out. He asked why. I told him. Them he asked "Well you dont have to workout. There is no need. Why you trying to get all prettied up?" I called him telling him that there is nothing wrong with wanting to emotionaly be happy with myself (I have had disorders in the past with weight but over them now. I just gained some weight over winter).

 

We hung up and the next morning he sent me a text saying "I'm sorry bout last night. I just dont like the idea of you dancing and cuddling with some guy all night" Mind you the class was only a hour. I seriously dont know what to do. All of his prior relationships have failed because of his jealousy and I dont want this to end up like that. I love him to death but not the jealous part. A mutual friend of ours told me to give it 3 months. If it doesnt change, leave him. Thats not what I want it to come to. Anyone have any advice? He is now ignoring all my calls and texts.

[Kaii]

The thing about this forum is that it is hard to make good judgement calls when you only have a one sided problem.

 

I would ask you why you have no female friends. You said it's because you are too intimidating, but I think it's because you find male companionship more emotionally satisfying. I find that whenever one partner has an unbalanced amount of friends from one sex or the other, it's because they are getting something out of the relationships that they cannot get out of a same sex relationship.

 

I think you enjoy the male attention on some level and why wouldn't your husband feel intimidated by that?

 

I understand what your SO means by "it's because I didn't care then like I do now". He is saying that before you were just "dating" and now you are his wife. Different set of rules, IMO. I don't think men and women in a committed relationship should have friends of the opposite sex that they email/chat/text. It undermines the marriage and leads to emotional affairs when one partner is constantly seeking emotional support from the opposite sex.

 

You said you guys were married, but do you live together? You said he texted you "while I was at my house.....and the next morning he sent me a text saying he was sorry".

 

You also said that a mutual friend of yours told you to give it three months and if he didn't change then to give him the heave ho. I thought you guys were just newly married??? Didn't you just promise "for better or for worse", etc, etc???

 

I was also married at 21, and I am now 35 and divorced. Getting married so young is never a good idea because you change so much as a person between 20 and 30. What you wanted at 21 is not what you want at 31.

 

I think you need to seek couples counselling ASAP. Go talk to a therapist, your religious official, older married couples, etc.

[Bejita463]

I don't believe you have done anything wrong. He's demonstrating jealousy when there is no adequate reason to do so. Being jealous over the dance class was stretching an already taut line of rational behavior.

 

Your man may share Kaii's morals on interpersonal relationships that cross the gender line, but he has no right to tell you who you can and can not be friends with regardless. If he does have a problem with that, he should have clearly made that known 3 years ago.

[Lucky_One]

Have you asked him to take the dance class with you? And you can also join a gym and go to work out together, strengthening your bond as well as your bodies.

[lkjh]

It seems like he has some issues but at the same time I am always suspicious about girls who are "friends" with a bunch of guys. Usually guys don't want friendship at all.

 

Bejita463 may be right but I do feel that SO's have a say in who their spouse's can be friends with. If I was married I would not want my wife hanging out with a bunch of guys and I doubt she would want me hanging out with a bunch of girls. Its common sense really, that is how affairs start.

 

Talk to him about his jealousy and see of you guys can work something out,

[manugeorge]

It seems like he has some issues but at the same time I am always suspicious about girls who are "friends" with a bunch of guys. Usually guys don't want friendship at all.

 

Bejita463 may be right but I do feel that SO's have a say in who their spouse's can be friends with. If I was married I would not want my wife hanging out with a bunch of guys and I doubt she would want me hanging out with a bunch of girls. Its common sense really, that is how affairs start.

 

Talk to him about his jealousy and see of you guys can work something out,

 

While I don't agree that he can dictate who you can be friends with, I kind of agree with people who say having a bunch of male friends and no female friends raises red flags.

 

That whole argument that "you get along with guys more than girls" is just baloney, I'm sorry to say. A lot of women say that and you can spot the BS from miles away. You study their personality long enough and you almost always discover that they are attention craving girls who can't stand sharing the spotlight with other women. The imbalance is highly suspicious and it is something you should evaluate on your own. Do women really find you intimidating or are you intimidating? Are you competitive with other women? Do you want all the attention to yourself?

 

On the other hand, your boyfriend's jealousy is also irrational, that is, if he is ONLY reacting to this one episode of your dance outing. Are you sure that is the only trigger or is there more you are not telling us?

[Harley]

I appriciate all your input. I believe the reason why I get along with Males over Females is due to the fact that I act like Im one of the guys. Not to mention that I have "matured" more than all my female friends. I guess its because I had a old fashioned up-bringing. Im ready to settle down and have a family. I want to be that stay at home mother that cooks, cleans and does the laundry. No we do not live together. I am currently a full time student and my grandmother offered for me to live rent, food and all expence free. It was the better of the options. She even said that he could move in to for 200$ a month. She would pay for food but his work is about 60 miles away and he is looking for a new car since his last one broke down. I asked him to join the class and he said no. We are married but under the eyes of our personal gods and family. No paper no signatures to verify it. We wanted it that way.